[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, and welcome to another solo episode of the Mark Rose podcast, which now I guess I can say just welcome to the Mark Rose podcast Because the majority of them are going to be solo.

[SPEAKER_00]: I do have some super guests coming up that I've been wanting to get on the podcast for a long time.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I got to do it when I get to do it, but other than that, we're going to be diving deep into different [SPEAKER_00]: behaviors, understandings of the human condition.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think now more than ever human connection is such an emphasis of we become more digital.

[SPEAKER_00]: But this week, especially on the part I want to dive into the subject of forgiveness and letting go.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's such an elusive subject and we want the prescription to be able to figure it out.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to dive deep into that and some of my understanding of it and how to create that in your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I was speaking to someone recently where I was saying to them, yeah, like, what about the very process of letting go?

[SPEAKER_00]: How do you even do that?

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what would be the steps that you have taken?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because this guy has been through the ultimate trauma.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we're talking assaults abuse, et cetera, and he's so loving and kind and open-hearted and he's living his dream.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he's just such a beautiful human.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he said to me, you know Mark, the very act of trying to let something go.

[SPEAKER_00]: holds on to the thing you're trying to get rid of.

[SPEAKER_00]: So the very act of trying to let it go reinforces its existence and I was like, [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my God, that's so true.

[SPEAKER_00]: So the more we try to let it go, the more we try to double down on something or like reading another book or a say answer, whatever it might be, Iowasca mushrooms, you know, who knows what we're doing.

[SPEAKER_00]: The more we reinforce its existence.

[SPEAKER_00]: the more resistant it seems to be to being let go of.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I always ask people, if you're trying to let something go, just ask yourself, what is it holding you back from doing?

[SPEAKER_00]: So what the existence of the thing you've been through, [SPEAKER_00]: how is that holding you back in your life?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because very often we don't let ourselves love again.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't let ourselves open our hearts again.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think one of the craziest things is we do that as a way of sort of getting back at the people in our lives.

[SPEAKER_00]: So like if we had a crappy childhood, we then, you know, want to prove to our parents, look how much you messed me up.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to [SPEAKER_00]: cause all these issues.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to stay in my like teenager rebellious phase and it's an adult.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to stay in my trauma.

[SPEAKER_00]: But you know, two people can have gone through the exact same experience and one can come out completely transformed and make it be the moment that everything changed in their lives and be the place that they resourced from and another person it could be the reason that they're an addict.

[SPEAKER_00]: and I'm not moralizing either position.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just saying that both are available to us.

[SPEAKER_00]: But if we've never witnessed, like let's say in our family's system, we never witnessed someone take that pain, that struggle and actually use it to transform their life, then how would we know how?

[SPEAKER_00]: So that's why we have to learn from people.

[SPEAKER_00]: We have to watch videos.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, for me, a lot of that was learning from someone like Tony Robbins, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: because you think about like the very act of wanting to take and experience that you've had in your life and make it be this moment that actually transformed you and became your purpose and your passions, then we're not like stuck in the wound of it.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're not like marinating in it and then telling everyone all about it and Carolyn May says a great thing that she calls this is called woundology that we just lead our lives with our wounds.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we're like go right into talking about all the hardest parts of our lives on the first date.

[SPEAKER_00]: But you know, I really think about the difference between oversharing and vulnerability is that oversharing is someone as an earn the right to our story yet and we're still telling them it and it's because we have the self perception that they might not love us if they find this thing out about us so we kind of have this energy like why I'm just going to be who I am I'm just going to share what I feel.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going to say what I want.

[SPEAKER_00]: But that's not coming from an energy of integration.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's actually coming from a wall.

[SPEAKER_00]: You can feel the energetic of it.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, this is just who I am.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we all know those people when we know when we've been those people.

[SPEAKER_00]: But vulnerability really comes from, you can share a thing that you've been through, but you share the wisdom that you've garnered from it, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: So we can both talk about the experience of being cheated on, but one will talk about hating their ex and how they were such a piece of crap.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the other person will say, like, yeah, I was through some painful things.

[SPEAKER_00]: There was some infidelities.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really explored my role in how I contributed to that in the relationship, even though that portrayals theirs.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I really needed to look for where the betrayal was mine before that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And here's what I learned.

[SPEAKER_00]: And here's what that made me value in relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Such a different energy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because remember, whenever you're talking to someone on a date, you always have to remember that if they're talking crap about their X, you could be their X one day.

[SPEAKER_00]: So to me, that's always an orange slash red flag.

[SPEAKER_00]: But let's get back to the subject of letting go.

[SPEAKER_00]: because in order to show up in those moments on dates, you have to have found some sort of closure.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's this great quote that I love.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know who it's from, but it goes sometimes closure arrives years later.

[SPEAKER_00]: Long after you stop searching for it, you're just sitting there laughing this laugh that is unapologetically yours.

[SPEAKER_00]: As it trails off, the corners of your mouth hug your face and it just hits you.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm happy.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's just like that.

[SPEAKER_00]: With no fanfare or epiphany, suddenly you are grateful for Gabbai as the carried you to this moment, to this space you are now holding.

[SPEAKER_00]: What a powerful place it is to get to that, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Where we can just feel it sort of float away from us.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I don't believe that you can just like get rid of the suffering that comes from something because I think that's meant to move through you.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think the grief and the anger is meant to actually change you to create boundaries.

[SPEAKER_00]: present.

[SPEAKER_00]: You have to actually pay attention and in this real recognition that the really deepest parts of your soul of your being, you really get to meet in those stages of grief and those processes of loss.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's such a beautiful density to them and you can't question that, you know, it's in that sadness and I was think it's so fascinating that the chemical composition of tears of sadness or different than tears of joy.

[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a process that's [SPEAKER_00]: through that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we have to trust that.

[SPEAKER_00]: We have to trust that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now I think there's a lot of things we can do to prevent ourselves from moving on, to prevent ourselves from closing.

[SPEAKER_00]: One is that resentment kind of, I'm going to get you back.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to prove to you how much you asked me up.

[SPEAKER_00]: And because you're I'm going to show you how much you screwed me up, then I'm just going to never love again.

[SPEAKER_00]: Never going to have fun again.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to become unhealthy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to show you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of actually using that same energy, which can come from like FU, I'm going to change my life.

[SPEAKER_00]: You could either use it to become the worst version of yourself or the best version of yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a choice.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think there's very much things that we can do that prevent us from moving on.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we have to ask ourselves the question, what is the benefit that we're getting by holding on?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because there is a benefit.

[SPEAKER_00]: There has to be a benefit or you'd let it go.

[SPEAKER_00]: And usually that benefit is something like it's going to prevent me from getting hurt again.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Like unconsciously, what a brilliant thing for this subconscious.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this is what children, when we get really hurt as children, this is what we end up doing as adults.

[SPEAKER_00]: We repeat the relational patterns because we don't want to get hurt really significantly against.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we come up with defense strategies, like criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, right, contempt, the forehorstment of the apocalypse from the governments.

[SPEAKER_00]: Those are all strategies that we have to [SPEAKER_00]: ourselves from getting hurt, but yet they just keep us in the prison of pain of a pattern that we haven't yet figured out how to move beyond because we're not ready to let it go and we're not ready to let it go because we haven't developed the skill set we would need to trust ourselves to walk past the wound, the suffering of that moment that you experienced.

[SPEAKER_00]: you would ask it, what would I need to learn to be able to walk by this suffering?

[SPEAKER_00]: What would I need to learn?

[SPEAKER_00]: What skill set would I need to have?

[SPEAKER_00]: What would it need?

[SPEAKER_00]: Need to be that I need to find my voice that I need to be able to express myself for maybe I need to be a little softer.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I need to let more love in.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I need to learn how to trust my body again.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I need to learn how to communicate on a much better level.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I need to learn how to take responsibility for my life and recognizing that, hey listen, you listening to this, watching this, that every relationship that you are in in your life, you are saying yes to, on some level, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And you are the common denominator in all your relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: So that is great news because you can change it then.

[SPEAKER_00]: That means you can change it, and the other part of that is that they're just patterns.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're not who you are, but we very much define ourselves by these things.

[SPEAKER_00]: Letting something go when we need to is really an act of trust, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: It's an invitation to connect with how the universe works, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because the universe has no problem.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's the fall, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: The universe has no problem in the season of the fall of letting things go.

[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't say I'm going to try to hold these leaves a little longer.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it lets go.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then it goes into this state of recoil, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Animals like the squirrels, and the bears, and all these things go in hibernation.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we as humans use to slow down, but we chase summer now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this is the same thing that short-form content does to us is we're constantly chasing a nation and excitement.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when we're in short-term relationships and all of that kind of stuff were really just chasing a nation.

[SPEAKER_00]: We [SPEAKER_00]: We haven't figured out how to be in the stillness in the mundane.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is the same thing as standing in line at Starbucks and not reaching for a phone.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't realize that these things that seem like they were just passing moments that could be used to do something else.

[SPEAKER_00]: We were actually building a skill set.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that skill set was to stay in the moment longer than we ever had before, because that is the same moment that's required to be in love.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's the same moment that's required for long-term love, but it's also the same moment that requires for self-reflection to be able to actually consider as this relationship a match or not, to be discerning when we're in the dating process or if we've grown apart.

[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of us can just anesthetize the distance we have with other people just by consuming short-form content because the relation we get from it or the distraction we get from it is really unconsciously as strategy to not have to be with our reality, [SPEAKER_00]: we'd have to make hard choices and then we'd have to actually grow and change and this is part of being an effing adult, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I say that would convince you because I'm like, all the things you're upset about, you could change your life, all the things I complain about, I could change my life, I get that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes we forget, we forget because life becomes overwhelming, but there is a seed within you that remembers that goes, yeah, this guy's talking subtalkies, telling the truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I need to actually say, this is what I want to create because all the limits that you have about what's possible for your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to negate that the things you've been through in your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: The cultural things, all of it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, they're going to have an impact on you.

[SPEAKER_00]: But we either get to decide that that's the end or it's the beginning.

[SPEAKER_00]: We get to decide that that's the limit.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to place it upon ourselves because other people have placed this limit upon themselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: So this very act of letting go of trusting.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is demonstrating that you understand that nothing meant to be ever needs to be forced, convinced or coerced.

[SPEAKER_00]: When we get into that place in relationship, that's when they flow, because then we stop chasing people.

[SPEAKER_00]: And now we don't even have the energy of our wound trying to pursue them.

[SPEAKER_00]: I can need you to choose me.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've always needed someone to choose me.

[SPEAKER_00]: I needed my mom to choose me, and can you just complete this for me?

[SPEAKER_00]: And you can feel the frenetic energy of the wound.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's not groundedness, so when you finally get present to that new learn how to trust that you never have to chase what's meant for you, then wow, there's a little relaxation that happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not constriction because nothing meant to be in your life will ever require that you have to abandon yourself to get it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Here again, nothing meant to be in your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll ever require that you have to abandon yourself to get it or keep it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Great love actually asks you to be more of who you are, not less.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's such a simple truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: Great love, really healthy relationships demand that you be more of yourself, not less of yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Love is truth, full stop.

[SPEAKER_00]: Really, truly love is about telling the truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's about actually saying this is what is going on for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna lay it at the table and let the chips fall where they may because that's the same thing as the leaf falling from the tree.

[SPEAKER_00]: and landing where it may in contributing to the cycles of life in the seasons.

[SPEAKER_00]: You cannot control life in a way that's the greatest paradox.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because when you stop trying to control it, you actually are in control.

[SPEAKER_00]: When you actually stop trying to change or coerce or control the things you cannot change, [SPEAKER_00]: you now can put your life force towards expansion.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I want to close on a really beautiful quote, which is, I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry and accepted a apology I never received.

[SPEAKER_00]: I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry and in a apology I never received.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is the hardest work.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think you'll ever come closer to unconditional love than touching that experience because you don't forgive someone for them.

[SPEAKER_00]: You forgive them for you.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't wait for closure.

[SPEAKER_00]: You create closure.

[SPEAKER_00]: These are all things that are in your hands.

[SPEAKER_00]: As soon as you place them in the hands of others, you're losing.

[SPEAKER_00]: You decide your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Full stop.

[SPEAKER_00]: You decide your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: The quality of your relationships are determined based on you.

[SPEAKER_00]: The quality of the experience and your family, the culture of your community, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: These are all things we can impact.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why that very famous saying, be the change, be the change.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this comes back to one of my favorite quotes from Ron Doss that I hope I live with the integrity that the truth that live within me or the same as the truth that live outside of me and whenever that is not true, I send a message of both love.

[SPEAKER_00]: and fear.

[SPEAKER_00]: So what kind of message are you sending to yourself?

[SPEAKER_00]: What kind of message are you sending to others?

[SPEAKER_00]: I think the world needs not just to bridge to one another now more than ever.

[SPEAKER_00]: but it actually needs truth tellers, change makers.

[SPEAKER_00]: It needs you to actually be willing, you know, based on last video idea was about authenticity versus belonging.

[SPEAKER_00]: You need to be able to burn bridges in order to be in really healthy relationships that the reality of your experience leads to transformation, leads to repair, leads to everything.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so let you be a model of unconditional expression, but that coming from a loving place.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because of course, the structure of our words matter.

[SPEAKER_00]: How we do it matters.

[SPEAKER_00]: We can't just say, just go out there and, oh, this is just who I am.

[SPEAKER_00]: No, there has to be care to how you share.

[SPEAKER_00]: And one of my favorite poems from Buddy Wakefield is called Crowbirds and Mockingbirds.

[SPEAKER_00]: And in it, he shares that forgiveness is letting go of all hope for a better past.

[SPEAKER_00]: forgiveness is letting go of all hope for a better past and it's for anyone who deserves safe travel through my mind and when we provide that safe travel for someone through our minds our minds can rest and they can be free and we can be free.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'd love to hear in your comments any tips you have about letting go, about forgiveness, and what's worked for you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to send you love as you navigate, is that called life?

[SPEAKER_00]: Hit the like button, subscribe and share, much appreciation for your support, and I'll see you next week.