The Human Intimacy Podcast #80:

The Hidden Cost of Secrets in Relationships

In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, unpack the complex world of secrecy in relationships—why we keep secrets, what it does to us internally, and how it affects intimacy with our partners.

They explore the hidden weight of secrecy and self-deception, showing how carrying secrets impacts not only relationships but also personal health, emotional well-being, and even the body. The conversation highlights:

• The psychology of secrecy — why people hide, lie, or deceive in the name of "protection."

• The toll on the body and mind — from anxiety and ulcers to exhaustion and emotional distance.

• The role of shame and fear — how vulnerability and the fear of rejection fuel secrecy.

• The ripple effects on intimacy — why hiding erodes trust and connection over time.

• Steps toward healing — the importance of accountability, support networks, and learning to share in safe, structured ways.

Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn also discuss research insights (Pennebaker, Levine, Carnes, Lemke, Brown) and real-world examples, weaving in practical tools for couples and individuals navigating the painful terrain of secrecy and betrayal.

Listeners will leave with a deeper understanding of why secrecy is so destructive—and hopeful strategies for stepping into authenticity, vulnerability, and healthier intimacy.

📚 Resources & References

• Dr. James Pennebaker – Research on expressive writing and the health costs of secrecy (Opening Up by Writing It Down).

• Dr. Peter Levine – In an Unspoken Voice (on the physiology of unprocessed emotions).

• Dr. Patrick Carnes – Foundational work on addiction and recovery; the impact of secrets and lack of structure in relapse.

• Dr. Anna Lembke – Dopamine Nation (on honesty, vulnerability, and the risks of overexposure).

• Dr. Brené Brown – Daring Greatly (on vulnerability, shame resilience, and “spotlighting”).

• Thich Nhat Hanh – Teachings on deep listening and authentic presence in relationships.