[SPEAKER_01]: This is Cynthia Gannoff and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, friends, welcome to mesmerize.

[SPEAKER_01]: We are in our series right now, no before you go.

[SPEAKER_01]: And last week, we talked to college kids and that was super fun.

[SPEAKER_01]: My daughter and her friend Molly, if you missed that one, go back.

[SPEAKER_01]: Wow, you guys, the feedback was amazing.

[SPEAKER_01]: So many of you reached out and said how much enjoyed that and how much you learned from it and that you want them back.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so, yeah, we'll do that again in the fall sometime.

[SPEAKER_01]: Talk to those college girls, maybe out dating.

[SPEAKER_01]: This week, though, we're talking high school.

[SPEAKER_01]: And if you haven't figured out I've just pretty much roped my kids into this and their friends and so this week my son Brett will be with us and then his friends Ella and Riley.

[SPEAKER_01]: All three just graduated from high school, all three are going to college.

[SPEAKER_01]: And all three weirdly enough, I didn't realize till we started talking are going to ANM in the fall.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I realize that I want you to know this, I realized this is just a limited demographic of what high school kids may have seen experience might be feeling.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yet nonetheless, I wanted to grab people, individuals, kids that I knew would be open and willing to discuss what they've walked through the last several years.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I think there's lots to learn in here.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think what they're saying is valuable.

[SPEAKER_01]: But if you really, really listen, like you do as a parent, [SPEAKER_00]: What they're not saying and kind of the story behind the story, I think is so valuable.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know for me, I took away a lot just on how much our kids learn through the hardship, through the loneliness, through the not feeling good enough.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many valuable lessons in that that are so hard as parents.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I feel like that was one of the messages I took away from the conversation today.

[SPEAKER_00]: Also, just making sure our kids feel like we're validating their feelings.

[SPEAKER_00]: thought that was a good point they made.

[SPEAKER_00]: And just listen for how they talk out their faith and how their faith shows up in interesting places and high schools.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I know you're going to enjoy this.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm really proud of these three for being willing to jump on a podcast and talk about their high school years and praying for them and all of these kiddos we know right now that are preparing to go to college.

[SPEAKER_00]: Big changes coming.

[SPEAKER_00]: And y'all can be praying for me because I am not well with Brett leaving.

[SPEAKER_00]: I said on my the podcast side track that I keep saying that I have narcolepsy of crying like I'm fine one moment next minute I'm totally crying Brett plays the piano and the other day he was playing a song on the piano and I just sat there like tears ready to my face and I'm like it's gonna be so quiet [SPEAKER_00]: So, yes, for all of you getting ready to send kids to college.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm with you, it's gonna be an interesting few weeks as we get them loaded up and packed up.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm so grateful for today's show.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, one other thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: Next week, we're doing junior high.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we've already taped it.

[SPEAKER_01]: My friend Stephanie Martin was coming on.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm just telling you something, even if you don't have junior higher middle school kids, you need to listen in next week.

[SPEAKER_01]: Ooh, she has some incredible wisdom.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was blown away, and she's a good friend, and I get to talk to her all the time, but I was really, really [SPEAKER_01]: I was blown away by what she had to say and just some parenting thoughts.

[SPEAKER_01]: So make sure you tune in next week.

[SPEAKER_01]: All right, here we go today with Brett and Ella and Ryan.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hey guys, welcome to the podcast.

[SPEAKER_01]: How are you?

[SPEAKER_01]: Good.

[SPEAKER_01]: Good.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, well, listen, you guys are troopers to agree to this and I'm not sure how much you agreed and how much, um, maybe you were just assigned to this project with me, but I'm really glad you're here because we're going through a series of, but no before you go and we already did college and now we're hitting high school and so the three of you just graduated from high school and so [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to let you tell a little bit about yourselves, but we'll start with Brett.

[SPEAKER_01]: Brett, who are you?

[SPEAKER_01]: Obviously, I'm not going to tell everybody's last names.

[SPEAKER_01]: We'll give some anonymity maybe, but Brett is mine.

[SPEAKER_01]: So there you go.

[SPEAKER_01]: We'll start with him.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Brett.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to take his name.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm just finished high school at Trinity Christian.

[SPEAKER_01]: Awesome.

[SPEAKER_01]: Awesome.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then Riley.

[SPEAKER_03]: Hi, I'm Riley.

[SPEAKER_03]: I am going to be a freshman at Texas A&M in the fall as well.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I just finished high school at training Christian with Brett and Ella.

[SPEAKER_03]: But before that, I was in public high school, my freshman and sophomore year.

[SPEAKER_03]: So.

[SPEAKER_03]: Awesome.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, I am Ella.

[SPEAKER_04]: Okay, I'm Ella and surprise.

[SPEAKER_04]: I'm also going to Texas A&M.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm super excited to start that in the fall.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I went to the same high school as [SPEAKER_04]: Riley and Brett and yeah, yeah, okay, so [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't mean to get all Aggies.

[SPEAKER_01]: That was actually didn't realize I did that.

[SPEAKER_01]: So there you go.

[SPEAKER_01]: They're all going to ANM.

[SPEAKER_01]: And they did go to high school together.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I love Riley that she went to public school for a while.

[SPEAKER_01]: And the others have been in private school.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I wanted people that knew each other and felt comfortable talking.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm going to let y'all represent as much of the high school population as you can.

[SPEAKER_01]: So we'll start with this.

[SPEAKER_01]: Everybody ready.

[SPEAKER_01]: Here's my first question for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're talking generally in high school and now you've all graduated, you're all going to college.

[SPEAKER_01]: What surprised you the most about high school as in comparison to what middle school look like or junior high?

[SPEAKER_02]: I would say not everything is that deep.

[SPEAKER_02]: I think in middle school.

[SPEAKER_02]: And this is coming from someone, I guess all of us went to a tiny school, like a hundred people, but it's not all that deep.

[SPEAKER_02]: We always used to focus on these tiny little things that think everyone is watching us step by step so closely and everything we do is going to get judged.

[SPEAKER_02]: But it's just, it's kind of relieving and no, you can relax.

[SPEAKER_02]: You can make mistakes.

[SPEAKER_02]: People are going to make mistakes and everyone around you is human.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so instead of just living and regret about everything, [SPEAKER_02]: you can just be free to not overthink and just afraid them to be exactly who you want to be and pursue what you want to.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah and that as you're saying that right up thinking about and I'm going to clarify one thing there's a hundred people in the graduating class so but the school's bigger than a hundred but yeah it's not very big to your point.

[SPEAKER_01]: I do feel like tell me if I'm on this girl's like it feels like in junior high every misstep is huge and [SPEAKER_01]: and some sort of social debacle if you do something wrong.

[SPEAKER_01]: Whereas in high school, am I accurate to say that people kind of settle into their grapes and settle into who they are and what they want to be a part of and people are maybe a little more forgiving and accepting of that?

[SPEAKER_01]: Is that right?

[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, I would say so.

[SPEAKER_04]: I would also say that some things like don't change and that's totally okay.

[SPEAKER_04]: I would say there's still drama, people still don't react.

[SPEAKER_04]: Great all the time, like Brett said, people make mistakes, but I would say as you get older and are growing into high school, [SPEAKER_04]: you kind of become more equipped to handle the situation so it does become less big of a deal.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Talk to me about, what was the hardest thing?

[SPEAKER_01]: Can you remember back to freshman year?

[SPEAKER_01]: What was the hardest thing starting high school?

[SPEAKER_03]: I think for me the hardest thing is I was starting in a public high school and it really your friendships do kind of change and that was something I wasn't expecting coming from middle school like having this kind of tight knit group of girls but going in the high school like it's not always consecutive like your friends are all gonna stay together and so that was probably really really hard for me because [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, look, I kind of lost a little security of a friend circle that I had.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, let's talk up friends for a minute, too.

[SPEAKER_01]: And Brett will get to you, but I wanted to ask you as well about this L.A.

[SPEAKER_01]: Do you feel like you settled in to like a tight-knit friendship group that first year or two of high school?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what does that look like for you?

[SPEAKER_04]: I would say I did.

[SPEAKER_04]: I kind of had a little bit of that going in, but I feel like for me, it kind of changed later on in high school.

[SPEAKER_04]: And so I think everyone's journey with that is just different.

[SPEAKER_04]: And so while maybe freshman sophomore year, I would say I had a pretty secure friend group.

[SPEAKER_04]: I would say by senior year, I would say I had the least defined friend group that I could name, but honestly not being so worried about an exact friend group made me feel so much more content in the individual friendships.

[SPEAKER_04]: I was able to find the ability to branch out.

[SPEAKER_04]: So I would say everyone's is different, but that's just my version, I guess.

[SPEAKER_01]: Does it feel like from an outsider perspective?

[SPEAKER_01]: Does it feel like everybody's found their people and found their group?

[SPEAKER_01]: When you're looking around and you feel like you're the only person that hasn't, I mean, it was that kind of experience and then you realize, like, as you talk to people, I get deeper within that everyone kind of feels like they're on an island or how does that work?

[SPEAKER_04]: I would definitely say so.

[SPEAKER_04]: I would say there were people that I wasn't that close to at the beginning of high school and I thought, oh, they're fine.

[SPEAKER_04]: Like, they have their group.

[SPEAKER_04]: They look like they have fun with them and then later in high squad became good friends with them and they were like, no, that's actually not what was going on and so it's really, I feel like it's a good perspective to go in high school with.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: I tell the story often about Brett when I, I think it was probably early in high school and some of the kids that he had hung out within the past, great kids, kids we still love.

[SPEAKER_01]: But and that maybe some of the ones under the parents well, whatever I kept saying, you know, why aren't you hanging out with them?

[SPEAKER_01]: Why aren't you?

[SPEAKER_01]: Or this group I heard is doing this.

[SPEAKER_01]: So this group's doing that and like I felt like I was just like on on you all the time Brett about it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like what about this?

[SPEAKER_01]: What about that?

[SPEAKER_01]: Do you remember what you said to me at one point?

[SPEAKER_02]: I think my words were, I don't think you would want me hanging out with those people.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, and that's not casting judgment on any individual, but as a group, Brett pointed out to me is like, listen, the things you want us to be about and do, I'm not sure that me being with that group is promoting that.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that was one of the hardest, not hardest.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think one of the moments in parenting was like, [SPEAKER_01]: I've spent all this time praying for him to get it right and for the Lord to guide him and for him to be wise and friendships.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm over here pushing him towards groups and friendships that at that point we're not healthy for him.

[SPEAKER_01]: So talk to us about friendships from a guy's perspective.

[SPEAKER_02]: I think there's something mutual that needs to happen.

[SPEAKER_02]: Guys are very hard about communicating and so [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't do it well, I still don't do it well, but a lot of times instead of just saying what the problem is like, I'm not sure that I want to be friends with this type of person or I'm not sure if I want to be hanging out with these people and doing this kind of stuff, whatever it is.

[SPEAKER_02]: Usually, I don't know if all guys are this way, but most people would probably not say why they just wouldn't do it.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so it would seem like they're being anti-social, but something that I learned [SPEAKER_02]: Honestly towards the end of high school that I wish I would have known for as far as friends is it's that quote that you are some of the five people you hang out the most and so I think what the hard part is in high school is you're kind of surrounded by limited number of people in high school so oriented around groups and so you kind of just Naturally get pulled in this one group and you think well I want to have the most friends and all this stuff someone hang out this one group and what's hard for guys is [SPEAKER_02]: That's the easy way to go and just kind of roll with the flow.

[SPEAKER_02]: But it's really hard to find a group where everyone is the type of people you think you want to be and like whatever you want to be, whoever you want to be with, it doesn't matter.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's hard to find a group that's all the same thing.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so what can seem kind of like a failure to parents maybe is that [SPEAKER_02]: They think their kids aren't hanging out with the big groups, there's many people.

[SPEAKER_02]: But I think if you want to hang out with who you want to be like, it's not going to be one big group.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to be these small connections like Ella saying to random people.

[SPEAKER_02]: And those small connections are going to be the community that you probably want to surround yourself with.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's a wise word.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that quote you said, you are the sum total of the, what is it?

[SPEAKER_01]: It's one more time wrap.

[SPEAKER_01]: What was it?

[SPEAKER_02]: You're the average of the five people you hang out with, basically.

[SPEAKER_01]: that's basically who you are.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's a good lesson, I think, for adults too, like the people that you're closest to, you know, you're influenced by them.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so, just being wise in that, carry compactness, said something.

[SPEAKER_01]: I love carry compactness.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you're raising girls and you're not following carry compactness, you need to be following carry compactness.

[SPEAKER_01]: She's incredible.

[SPEAKER_01]: But she said something on a podcast that I did with her one time.

[SPEAKER_01]: And she said, speaks to girls and raising girls.

[SPEAKER_01]: And she said, you can be doing everything right as a girl and still not have good close friendships.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's a, that's a change from my day.

[SPEAKER_01]: Cause in my day, boy, we're re-ajudgmental crew, apparently.

[SPEAKER_01]: But we used to, I mean, I remember even, I've probably said since the last ten years, they're like, if you made a girl that doesn't have long-term friendships, that's a warning sign, that's a red flag.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember even in high school thing, well, she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, well, I love that Carrie Compax is just said, it's a new day in age.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, girl, I mean, Carrie Compax was say straight up, girls are meaner now and it's harder and to find your people.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, without obviously, we're not, we're not casting judgment on just where y'all went to high school, but just you have broad experience with girls your age.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, is it, is it right?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you feel like you're doing all things right or you know girls around you that are doing all the right things that are still struggling to find friendships.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, is there some grace for that?

[SPEAKER_01]: Is there something you would say to parents to encourage them as they're raising one of those girls?

[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, I would say that [SPEAKER_04]: it's easy to go to the two extremes of maybe the person I'm having a little bit of problems with or trying to be friends with and it's not really working out is the worst person ever and it's all their fault or you can go to the extreme of I'm not good enough I don't deserve friends all that but I think kind of when you lean into the Lord and you kind of find yourself somewhere in the middle of maybe hey maybe we're not communicating the best or maybe there's something we can both be doing right that we're not or [SPEAKER_04]: Maybe that friend is just in a season where they're distracted or something else is going on and so I would kind of just say to kind of try to find some middle ground and never go to the extremes.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I like that.

[SPEAKER_01]: I like that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's talk about academic pressure.

[SPEAKER_01]: I know that you guys are high achieving.

[SPEAKER_01]: I know all of you guys are going to college, and that's great.

[SPEAKER_01]: You had to college prep school, and that's great.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I also know that that's not the journey for all kids, and I think that is fantastic too.

[SPEAKER_01]: Wherever the Lord wants people to be, we want them to be.

[SPEAKER_01]: And some, that's college summits not, and I think that will be the case in my house.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know that all of my, all three of mine will end up in college.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's great.

[SPEAKER_01]: But we're just talking because the three of you are headed to college.

[SPEAKER_01]: Let's talk about that academic pressure.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it's different levels of hard for different people and different things that you face.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so how did you deal with that pressure?

[SPEAKER_01]: I would say especially junior year, right when ACT scores, SAT scores, you know, getting in the right schools.

[SPEAKER_01]: How'd you deal with that?

[SPEAKER_03]: I would say the biggest thing for me was really just turning to the Lord in that scenario and having to really wrestle and understand that my identity is not wrapped up in my ACT score or my grade or anything like that or if I get into a college that I want and you just kind of have to take a step back [SPEAKER_03]: and realize that like the Lord's extended you grace.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so your life is not just going to be completely over if you've tried like five times for an ACT score and it's just not there.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that parents don't maybe don't always see the like academic pressure that we really do face because it looks like maybe we're not trying or whatever it is but when you combine that with all the social activities plus the academic [SPEAKER_03]: standards, it can get to be a lot and it's like not even your fault necessarily that you're not performing to where you want and maybe that's just like they'll path the word has for you but yeah.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to chip in on this because I feel like I got a million things to say about it.

[SPEAKER_02]: But I think one of the hardest part is this generation and it's going to keep getting worse.

[SPEAKER_02]: But it's so competitive and everything and it seems like everyone around you.

[SPEAKER_02]: It seems like you have to be the best and anything less than that is not good enough.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so I think a lot of what my struggle was in high school was things didn't come very natural for me.

[SPEAKER_02]: I just studied, I mean, it got super unhealthy because I thought I had to compare with all these people around me and [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, we're surrounded by some really smart people and that if I wasn't doing just as good as them, I was failing.

[SPEAKER_02]: So I'd stay up as late as I could.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'd wake up as early as I could just to try and compensate for that.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think where it gets really unhealthy is there's discipline which is great, but it got to the point where it was shame about myself.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think this is where parents may understand this less because they've had competitive it is.

[SPEAKER_02]: But when we start to have as much shame about ourselves, that leads us to think there's a problem with us, which means there's a problem with the one who created us.

[SPEAKER_02]: And we know God created us all very uniquely.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think society teaches us to focus on the one or two things that aren't great about ourselves.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think what's really hard in high school is if we focus on that too much, we think that we were created wrong.

[SPEAKER_02]: And we have a very hard time focusing on what was created very strong about ourselves.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Tell us something.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it can be something that we did well or not well in our house, Brad, in terms of just the pressures of academics and getting into college and did something.

[SPEAKER_01]: Did you feel Oscar specific questions?

[SPEAKER_01]: Did you feel pressured by us to meet a certain standard?

[SPEAKER_01]: What could we have done better or what did we do well?

[SPEAKER_02]: I can answer this free live dog and in trouble.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, for sure.

[SPEAKER_01]: Happy and happy.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you call it?

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you got to lose?

[SPEAKER_02]: I would say I always felt pressure with my older sister Kate see once the University of Texas.

[SPEAKER_02]: She was super smart.

[SPEAKER_02]: All of my teachers knew her and she's like [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I hate saying this, but she's kind of a good good person.

[SPEAKER_02]: But she's super disciplined.

[SPEAKER_02]: She's smart.

[SPEAKER_02]: Everyone really liked her.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so even in high school, I felt all this pressure and all these teachers reply like, oh, it's a year and off, he's going to be great.

[SPEAKER_02]: And then they're like, oh, he's nothing like a sister.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think she's also really good at communicating.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I mean, even today, I don't communicate well to y'all.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think [SPEAKER_02]: y'all never fully understood in high school how hard it was for me and like even though I can understand what I was always stressing about was super unrealistic and unnecessary but y'all never understood the fact that they're not never but I think a lot of times where we got misunderstandings where I was feeling super stressed about something that I shouldn't have been and it was hard for y'all to understand why I would feel that way and so it turned me to just get quiet feel like I'm the one who's the failure [SPEAKER_02]: And so I think honestly, just feeling unheard in the household is probably something.

[SPEAKER_01]: No, I can appreciate that.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I figured out with you along the way and girls, I don't know if y'all had this in your house, too.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I just over and over and over and over, Mike, and I would say to Brett, like, we don't care about your grades.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we know the Lord has a spot for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we trust his plan and he will put you away once you [SPEAKER_01]: But the reality is he still had a test the next day, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: And so it could come off dismissive versus saying, wow, that must be really hard.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think there's that thin line and and I like that you're speaking into that.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to fast forward everybody a little bit on Brett just because I know him the best of this great, but Brett.

[SPEAKER_01]: Did follow Kate through and what you say about Kate your sister is true.

[SPEAKER_01]: What we now know though at the end of the year at the end of the senior year Brett one award after ward of character award after ward by the the teachers picked that the [SPEAKER_01]: the honorable baseball award, all the ones that you want your kid to get.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I say that not to be like, oh, look at us, we got no, but for Brett when school was really hard for Brett and it has been for years, two to really just have the character and honor.

[SPEAKER_01]: He wanted words to sister never got.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's just a reminder to him and to all of us as parents, like God creates all of them uniquely and differently.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it may look different ways.

[SPEAKER_01]: It seems successful on one level for one kid.

[SPEAKER_01]: But there's a different level of success, a different margin to consider with other kids and they're just all unique.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I just love how the Lord kind of spoke that through your life is when you felt like you're chasing after Kate, stuff and how the Lord just spoke into your life and ends I know like you've made your way.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm grateful for that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, girls, social media.

[SPEAKER_01]: Let's talk about that for a minute.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I feel like we've beat the dead horse on social media in general as parents were trying to understand it figured out.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I have you here so I want to know just the the reality of it.

[SPEAKER_01]: And from your perspective, is it just day in and day out hard feeling like you're not included?

[SPEAKER_01]: Is it there's some positives like how did it play for you on just the day to day level?

[SPEAKER_04]: Well, I have not a lot to say because I really didn't get until senior year.

[SPEAKER_04]: And so [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, looking back, of course, I did all the stalking once I got it.

[SPEAKER_04]: If I would have seen all this while I was strolling with friendships, I mean, high schools are hard without it, honestly.

[SPEAKER_04]: Friendships are hard without it, but I think if I had seen it, it probably would have made it a lot worse.

[SPEAKER_01]: Was that a parental decision?

[SPEAKER_01]: Or was that an elder decision to not have social media at all?

[SPEAKER_01]: High school or a senior year?

[SPEAKER_04]: It was a parental decision until freshman year.

[SPEAKER_04]: It was like you can't have it until your freshman.

[SPEAKER_04]: And then after that I was like, well, I mean, not a lot of my friends had it at the time, but slowly they started to get it.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I just never really felt the need to until senior year when I was like, well, I'm about to leave all these people, like I should probably keep up with them.

[SPEAKER_04]: But I'm thinking about deleting it soon because I honestly just didn't want to fit in.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Would you do it differently?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, would you change anything on that?

[SPEAKER_01]: Would you wish you would have had it earlier to navigate it?

[SPEAKER_01]: Do you wish you would have never?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, where are you on it now?

[SPEAKER_04]: I...

[SPEAKER_04]: I would, I'm honestly okay with the fact that I didn't have it.

[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, maybe I don't know how to handle it as well, but, and I've heard on sidetracks, I'm going to make sure I didn't talk about it, but screensin' is amazing because it just gives me a time limit and it just helps me to kind of section out my time and not doom scroll all day on it.

[SPEAKER_04]: So, I won't change anything.

[SPEAKER_01]: She's, and for a year that may not listen to sidetracks, the other podcasts I have with Heather, Patty, and Heather is always on [SPEAKER_01]: screens in and it is basically time limits on your social media.

[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, what about you, Riley?

[SPEAKER_01]: Thoughts on social media.

[SPEAKER_03]: I saw kind of the opposite of Ella.

[SPEAKER_03]: I got my first social media like probably in middle school, which looking back like I don't blame my parents at all for giving me that because that's just the culture that I was surrounded with being in public school.

[SPEAKER_03]: But I hate to say it, but it definitely had more of a negative impact on my high school experience.

[SPEAKER_03]: I would say that [SPEAKER_03]: like above all it was really the comparison aspect I think when I was like a freshman sophomore it looked a little bit more like I would compare my external appearance or was I as pretty as her or maybe my clothes like the clothes I was wearing were they like trendy or whatever it was [SPEAKER_03]: I think the Lord kind of convicted my heart on that and so I think it's struggle less with that as I go older but getting older and especially coming to a private school the comparison of like seeing everyone hang out together and when you're new to a high school it can like hurt because those are [SPEAKER_03]: the people that you think might be your friends and you look you open up Instagram and it's like oh shoot they're all together and I wasn't invited and I think that along with like snapchat location can be really hard for some people.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I don't know if I'm the biggest fan of social media, but I do think there are some positives.

[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, Ellen, I like laugh a lot about the realsies, any other show.

[SPEAKER_03]: I would say that's kind of fun.

[SPEAKER_01]: No reals.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: What about us a guy?

[SPEAKER_01]: And I, well, one, were you allowed out social media?

[SPEAKER_01]: Did you choose to have social media?

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you have today?

[SPEAKER_01]: And do you guys struggle like girls do on it?

[SPEAKER_01]: That's kind of what I'm wondering.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I would say.

[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I wasn't allowed to have it till freshman year and I did get it freshman year and I think you guys struggle with it, but way differently than girls.

[SPEAKER_02]: I think social media focuses on the one percent of life.

[SPEAKER_02]: So politically, it's always the one percent or [SPEAKER_02]: Like, I think a lot of guys are similar.

[SPEAKER_02]: They follow influencers that work out a ton or people that pursue this passion or are in the focuses on the one percent like the best and what got hard for me is when I started really getting to work out, you would see all these people on social media that are insanely giant.

[SPEAKER_02]: you know you see all these super strong and fit people and you're like oh like I want to be like that I can't be that hard of all these people are post you about it but what they never post on social media is the journey and I think this is a good like biblical lesson is it never shows the journey and so sometimes you'll see these people in their transformed stage and I'm taking a working out as an example you'll see them at the closer towards the angle where they're super in shape for their super fit but you never saw the journey where [SPEAKER_02]: They went downhill or they weren't where they wanted to be.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so I think a lot of times it would lead you to think you're never going to be good enough or back to that you'll never be heard because you're not that one percent, but it never shows the rough times that people go through.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what's just kind of social media, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: You're seeing the, it's the highlight reel.

[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, Brett, you have Instagram.

[SPEAKER_01]: Have you, I, I should know this.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hello, great parenting over here.

[SPEAKER_01]: You, you don't have Snapchat, do you?

[SPEAKER_02]: No, I don't even know.

[SPEAKER_02]: I pretty sure I could right now, but I don't really have the desire for Snapchat.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think you can probably do whatever you want when you go to college.

[SPEAKER_01]: But, uh, do you have any other social media?

[SPEAKER_01]: You've only had Instagram in your life, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: I had Twitter X for a little bit, but I don't have that anymore, and I deleted Instagram.

[SPEAKER_02]: I deleted it and added back a lot.

[SPEAKER_04]: I'm really actually mad about it because I've been sending him a million reels, and I know he's not getting them, but we'll just have to do for now.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's talk about faith for a minute.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think all of you come from Sean family's of faith, and so I know it's important in your families.

[SPEAKER_01]: What, as you're going into college, obviously we're all praying every you guys, that you make strong faith decisions going into school.

[SPEAKER_01]: But we'll see where that lands and we'll do another podcast later.

[SPEAKER_01]: But we trust the Lord has his hand on y'all.

[SPEAKER_01]: What about through high school though?

[SPEAKER_01]: Was our point where you, [SPEAKER_01]: kind of faith became your own where their faith struggles you had to work with just a work three which I'm sure there were give us just some thoughts on what that's look like and quiet times anything that kind of work for you didn't work for you something some things might be your parents did right or wrong I'm just kind of giving you a wide open question hit what you want on faith [SPEAKER_02]: So part of my testimony is kind of throughout high school.

[SPEAKER_02]: Obviously, I came from a great Christian background and grown up in church my whole life.

[SPEAKER_02]: But throughout high school, and my testimony ties the school really strongly, which is [SPEAKER_02]: I think is unique, but I think a lot of it for me was a struggle in high school because I focused so hard on trying to be as good as everyone else in school and sports and all this other stuff.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I learned a rough lesson junior year that we can't depend on ourselves.

[SPEAKER_02]: And this is not just high school.

[SPEAKER_02]: This is for all life is not going to slow down.

[SPEAKER_02]: There's no slowing down in life.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to be go, go, go, go until we die.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think everyone's tendency is to keep pushing through with themselves.

[SPEAKER_02]: And just if you work harder, if you wake up earlier, you go to bed later, you can just get it done.

[SPEAKER_02]: And at some point, all I was pursuing was baseball.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I finally tore my elbow and how to get surgery.

[SPEAKER_02]: And that's the second that my faith grew so much as because everything around me shut down for a few months.

[SPEAKER_02]: And all I had was time to spend with the Lord.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think, [SPEAKER_02]: by faith was shaped and like now I can define it as you can only get through everything life has to offer with God and so until you pursue him with everything you got it's not going to be enough to rely on yourself you don't have enough strength to get through what life has to offer yeah [SPEAKER_01]: And that's a really, I think a strong parenting word for, I mean, obviously, Mike and I would have done anything for him to not have to have a major UCL surgery and miss most of a baseball year.

[SPEAKER_01]: And all the things, especially when baseball is what you love, but then we want you to know the Lord better.

[SPEAKER_01]: And if that was the price for you to know the Lord better, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: And then that's the price we needed to be willing to pay, but in the moment it just felt like almost like the Lord abandoned and what was going on.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I love that perspective, girls.

[SPEAKER_01]: What about faith from your side of things?

[SPEAKER_01]: Would it look like in high school?

[SPEAKER_03]: For me, it was kind of going into high school, a part of my testimony is that the friendships that I did have, they weren't really pursuing a walk with the Lord and sat meant that they were making a lot of decisions and just choices that [SPEAKER_03]: weren't things that I aligned with but I would say that go as a freshman I didn't really have like a personal deep relationship with the Lord like I had confessed and like taken on Christ to my Savior but I wasn't really walking with the Lord and so like experiencing that loneliness and kind of losing those people close to me.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think ultimately that and then also I was seeking a lot of my identity and like my external appearance about myself and that's what I turned to and after I realized that like these friends have failed me, like my physical, my flesh has failed me, like the only way I have to go.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's like it turned to the Lord and so even though [SPEAKER_03]: I think I would never like wish people to experience what I walked through.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think that that's how I grew to know the Lord like as the father that he is and actually walk in relationship with him and spend time with him daily.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so I think that's such a blessing.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I feel like a lot of kids in high school kind of have somewhere stories where it takes some hard things to kind of get them to where they are in their relationship with the Lord today.

[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_04]: I would say that identity is definitely a big thing for me that I feel like I had to learn in high school because, yes, we went to a Christian school, but they're also, and this isn't anyone specific fault.

[SPEAKER_04]: It just kind of is the way that our culture is in general today, but all these external things to find you, like your friends, your grades, your sport, or how you're performing.

[SPEAKER_04]: And so, tending to be more of a perfectionist in some aspects, [SPEAKER_04]: feeling like I had to achieve to kind of fulfill my identity was just really unhealthy and ended up just not working.

[SPEAKER_04]: And so I think realizing that the contentment and the rest that I can find knowing that my identity is constant when it's in the Lord is so refreshing.

[SPEAKER_04]: And no, I wouldn't have loved to gone through some of this stuff I did and realizing that some of these worldly things are gonna family.

[SPEAKER_04]: I've that wouldn't have been anybody's choice, but I think [SPEAKER_04]: going into college, knowing my identity is gonna be a really big thing.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I think, I don't know, I'm really glad that I have that going into college.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: It may have been care-compacts as well.

[SPEAKER_01]: I might get care-compacts quoted today, but I think it was sort of the number one thing you want for your kid before they go to college is you want them to know who they are.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember thinking, yeah, I want you to know who you are and who's you are.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like those are the things that matter and all the rest of it.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's neither here nor there.

[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, okay, let's talk dating for just a second.

[SPEAKER_01]: Guys, let me drop the bomb.

[SPEAKER_01]: Brett Miller dating.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it been dating eighteen months.

[SPEAKER_01]: Heading, Brett gets on making fun of me.

[SPEAKER_01]: It was dating.

[SPEAKER_01]: Y'all been dating three years now.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you started dating your sophomore year, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: And before sophomore year.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know the date.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, sure, Brett.

[SPEAKER_01]: What the heck?

[SPEAKER_02]: I was asking if you know it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, do I know the day?

[SPEAKER_02]: It was literally like two weeks ago.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I'm a thousand June.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.

[SPEAKER_01]: I can't remember that.

[SPEAKER_01]: But here's a question for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you think?

[SPEAKER_01]: Either you guys are just in general.

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you think you've done well in dating?

[SPEAKER_01]: And what do you think is something you've had to work through?

[SPEAKER_01]: Or just people in general, what's gone well in dating?

[SPEAKER_01]: And what's hard with dating in high school?

[SPEAKER_02]: I'll say this here.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'll say this real quick and then you probably have way better advice but I think something we both did really well is we weren't out looking for it like I know Ella didn't plan on dating at all in high school and I wasn't sure if I'll date anything but we didn't go out and look for it and I think that's where people get off and we we have plenty of friends who have gone through dating [SPEAKER_02]: And when you go out and look for someone today is typically when you don't find someone who's good for you.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think what we did well was we weren't looking for day.

[SPEAKER_02]: It just seemed like the Lord kept pulling us closer and closer.

[SPEAKER_02]: throughout many points in our relationship even before one year like we kept finding that like we were being affirmed this was a healthier relationship for us and it wasn't like we're just searching for a status and just to say that we've been able to date someone or we go out on dates and we post about all this stuff but [SPEAKER_02]: When you're able to be drawn to someone else, then feel like you're growing closer to the Lord.

[SPEAKER_02]: Even if it doesn't end in marriage or if it doesn't matter, if you feel like you're being pulled closer to the Lord, and you can feel him leading the relationship, I think that's when it's the right time to start dating.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's really hard to navigate as a parent.

[SPEAKER_01]: Kate didn't date anyone in high school.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it was my first run at this.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so, yeah, you all have to be patient with us.

[SPEAKER_01]: Riley, I don't even know if you dated someone in high school.

[SPEAKER_01]: I should probably ask that before now.

[SPEAKER_01]: No.

[SPEAKER_01]: No.

[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because neither to Kate, now I didn't really date people at that much in high school.

[SPEAKER_01]: So question on that.

[SPEAKER_01]: On the other side of it, is it feel like everyone's dating someone and you or not the one or walk us through that, like just from the other perspective of it.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think it can at times, especially in a small private school, when people are in relationships, it's kind of like thrown in front of you.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so I think it can feel like everyone is, but in all honesty, like, [SPEAKER_03]: it like I've had times or it's hard but it's also like like Brett was saying if the Lord's not like guiding you in that direction like you striving after something that's not within his planner as well as ultimately like not gonna benefit you and so I think that's been a great reminder and at least in like my own life is that I don't need to be striving for that and I think a lot of girls find their worth [SPEAKER_03]: but kind of wrapped up in that too.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so that's where things get really complicated.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so I think it's like finding your identity and worth outside of a dating relationship and then two people who are secure in their worth and identity coming together in a relationship, I think, is where I've seen it work out the best.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's wrap up with these questions.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna ask you, there's a couple you can chime in on this one and I've got one more, but what do you wish your parents had understood better about what high school was like?

[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that you, you kind of hit on that, but anyone else want to say, there's parents listening to this that have a kid about to go to high school or maybe a kid that's in high school that isn't communicating well or they're struggling with, like help give us a word on that, like what do you wish their parents would have known?

[SPEAKER_04]: I would say honestly, and this is gonna sound obviously my parents are not perfect, but I do think that in seasons where I was struggling with friends, I was able, and I'm gonna only child so that also does make it easier.

[SPEAKER_04]: I was able to kind of love them, be my people, and something that was uncomfortable for me, but that I really, really appreciate now, is them kind of making me communicate with them, and obviously we're close.

[SPEAKER_04]: I think because I'm an only child we're closer than a lot of people are to their parents and just happens to be that way so it wasn't weird for them to kind of force me to share my feelings which was weird for my personality because I'm not a feelings person but it definitely helped and so I would say them just being available and listening and wanting to hear my feelings even though it was uncomfortable and I didn't like it most of the time it really made it a lot easier to get through some of those hard times.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to say something out your parents too.

[SPEAKER_01]: I know them well.

[SPEAKER_01]: I love them like my own and they'll hear this too.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I will say this, your parents are really good at staying grounded, especially in front of you, but just grounded and truth and just being a support, but not getting on the roller coaster ride.

[SPEAKER_01]: And now they might have said to other people or sometimes your mom would say to me like, oh, I can't believe this is going on.

[SPEAKER_01]: This is so hard.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I feel like they really were steady with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that seems like that was a really support for you that they didn't, they didn't make it bigger than it needed to be.

[SPEAKER_04]: No, for sure.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I think, especially with friends, I felt like they were really good.

[SPEAKER_04]: When situations got hard, they were really good about saying, hey, how is this making you feel?

[SPEAKER_04]: It's okay that you feel like you're hurting from this friendship or the situation.

[SPEAKER_04]: But they always came back to advice that I really love and I'm probably going to live by for their smile.

[SPEAKER_04]: Like, we don't cut people off, always kind.

[SPEAKER_04]: They don't have to be your best friend, but even if this isn't gonna be your best friend, you're still gonna love them and be kind to them.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that they were just really solid and giving good advice.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, always kind, land, that's good advice.

[SPEAKER_01]: What are you Riley?

[SPEAKER_01]: Things maybe you wish your parents knew, or something like I was said advice that they gave that just worked well.

[SPEAKER_03]: Um, I don't know if it's a fairly advice that they'd give me but I think just feeling like in my home when I come home like [SPEAKER_03]: understanding that the home is kind of like a safe place, and especially when I was new to school, like it's really overwhelming to have no one know who you are.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so to come home and be able to have my parents as let's say haven and them, like understanding if I was exhausted or if I was just tired from the day, like I wasn't mad at them, or I wasn't upset at them, like it was me not being able to process, like just the extensive day that I'd had, and they always just like, [SPEAKER_03]: They embrace me with grace, I would say, and this kind of understood that, like, it's okay, like, it's hard what you're going through, but, like, we're here for you, and they always, like, direct me back to the Lord, which I'm really grateful for, but I think I would say just making the home, like, a safe haven, and, like, being open about what was hard or what was, or what was great, like, sharing about your day, too, so.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Brett, do you want to answer that question?

[SPEAKER_01]: Are you over to hit the last one?

[SPEAKER_02]: I'll just get the last one.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I was I was really giving in that opening guys to really lay it out there.

[SPEAKER_01]: The great advice would give him out with the gears and he did not take it so offward.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, great.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so then if you could go back and tell your freshman year solve something, what would that be?

[SPEAKER_01]: If you could whisper a little something to your freshman year solve now knowing what you know, what would you want him to know?

[SPEAKER_02]: I would just say it pursued God very strong from the beginning.

[SPEAKER_02]: and get find your Christian community very, very soon.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I think freshman year is very overwhelming because there's, it's hard.

[SPEAKER_02]: Like, we're not gonna lie about it.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's very difficult for freshman year.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's a huge turnaround from what middle school is.

[SPEAKER_02]: But the things we tend to like think are gonna be very hard, we're obviously gonna spend more time doing that.

[SPEAKER_02]: So for a lot of people, it's gonna be sports because I know that's a whole thing.

[SPEAKER_02]: Like, you gotta be on the varsity team and all that.

[SPEAKER_02]: And it's gonna be grades.

[SPEAKER_02]: But if you just pursue Christ, very strong through the beginning and not have to slowly turn all that around, the rest that you need will come and like understand that our strength alone isn't enough.

[SPEAKER_02]: So if we, you know, don't search for joy and all these other things like grades, friendships, all this stuff, if we just pursue Christ from the beginning, the rest of what we are looking for will come in different ways.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's a good one.

[SPEAKER_04]: I would just say to try your very best to say your expectations aside because [SPEAKER_04]: The Lord has something for you and it may not be what you expect, like whether you expect it to be the best for you's year of your life or the worst, it's not going to be what you expect.

[SPEAKER_04]: And even from people around you, don't, from siblings or parents don't kind of take your expectations from them.

[SPEAKER_04]: My mom left high school with this amazing broad group of friends that she's still to the state he hangs out with.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I just kind of assume that, oh, that's what my high school experience is going to be like.

[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm leaving high school with [SPEAKER_04]: dating a guy a great guy for three years but only a few really close friends I would say but that's totally okay but I think sometimes you go on with these big expectations of how it's supposed to be but that's really just not true and so I would just say the open to what the Lord is gonna have for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's good Riley.

[SPEAKER_03]: I would say just knowing like your value and your worth is not in any of like the achievements or external things that high school tries to throw at you and really just rooting that in the Lord.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think like I was always thinking of [SPEAKER_03]: Psalm one of three but just says like the Lord says here for given he's redeem your life from the pit like He satisfies you with good and so I think just remembering that like you're redeemed for given satisfied and all of it comes from the Lord and you don't have to seek that in anything in high school Wow [SPEAKER_01]: That's wise words, you guys.

[SPEAKER_01]: Listen, I just like to say your miles, miles ahead of where Cynthia Janoff was coming out of high school.

[SPEAKER_01]: Glad nobody interviewed me because my goodness.

[SPEAKER_01]: So thank you for doing this and being honest.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for helping us kind of understand high school and you guys.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm excited for you all to get a college.

[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't realize we're all going to the same college.

[SPEAKER_01]: I guess it didn't hit me, but we will be praying blessings over that.

[SPEAKER_01]: And thanks for doing this.

[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, of course thanks for having me.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, how great are those three?

[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so proud of them for doing this.

[SPEAKER_01]: And you should have heard them.

[SPEAKER_01]: They're so funny after the podcast.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I cut that out.

[SPEAKER_01]: Take this out.

[SPEAKER_01]: It was terrible.

[SPEAKER_01]: I should have answered that way.

[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what?

[SPEAKER_01]: They did really great.

[SPEAKER_01]: And when you're put on the spot like that, it isn't easy.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm so proud of them.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mentioned this earlier.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'll mention again next week.

[SPEAKER_01]: We have Stephanie Martin coming on and talking out the junior high years.

[SPEAKER_01]: But it is applicable to all of us.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so please, please hear me when I say you want to hear next week's.

[SPEAKER_01]: show as well.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, will you take a minute and for these shows to your friends that have maybe college kids, cinemas, or high school kids, going to college, maybe this week's junior high, it'll be next week's, just help us continue to grow this show.

[SPEAKER_01]: That would be such a blessing to me and also leave a review.

[SPEAKER_01]: I would love it, please, please, please.

[SPEAKER_01]: All right, you guys, thanks for being a part of the mesmerized family.