Lori: Hello and welcome to Fine is a 4-Letter Word. My guest today is Jill Valdez. Welcome to the show, Jill.

Jill: Thank you, Lori. I'm so excited to be here. I love talking with you.

Lori: Yeah, we're going to have a fantastic conversation. can already tell we were laughing before I even hit record. So this will be fun. Let's jump right into it with an intriguing question of what were the values and beliefs that you were raised with that contributed to you becoming who you are now?

Jill: Ooh, that's a loaded question.

Lori: We start off right away.

Jill: Let's just jump right into that. So I was raised in a very conservative Christian home. And I'm not one of those people that looks back on that and sees it as restrictive. There were certainly things like, you know, wasn't allowed to see PG movies, wasn't allowed to listen to secular music. And so like, I've even, was telling my kids this the other day. I remember, so I'm totally gonna date myself.

I had one of those clock radios and because I wanted to be cool and hip and not like the total dork, because even though I went to a Christian school, all my friends knew what was going on in the real world. Like they all read, you there? God, it's me, Margaret, know, all these things like Amityville were. And so I would take my clock radio and I turn it on really quiet and I'd lay my head on it to go to sleep at night.

And I remember when Michael Jackson came out with Billie Jean. And I remember laying there, and I was like, why is this girl singing about being in love and having a baby with another girl? I was so confused. I went to school the next day. And, you know, I wasn't afraid of looking like stupid and looking like I didn't know what I was talking about. But I went to the teacher and I'm like, I don't understand this song.

And then a couple of my friends heard and they were laughing at me. They're like, that wasn't a girl, that's Michael Jackson. I'm like, that's Michael Jackson. And now, like, you know, now I listen on the radio and it's like, that's so clearly Michael Jackson.

Lori: Right, but if you don't know, you don't know. And that's the case like in everything when you don't know. How are you supposed to know if nobody ever told you?

Jill: Yeah, absolutely. So it's really funny. But those values definitely shaped who I am today. As I've gotten older, I went through a period of time where I had to discover what faith and what my relationship and what I was going to hold on to and what I carried into my adult life and what I passed on to my kids. And so it definitely looks different from what I grew up with.

But there's still very much that solid foundation of who I am and what drives me and my values. So integrity is very important to me. Treating others like I would want to be treated is very important to me. The concept of you reap what you sow. So I can definitely trace it back to where it came from and I can see how I live it out in today.

Lori: Hmm. You said something interesting. Did you intentionally reevaluate how you wanted to live those values as an adult and what you wanted to pass on to your children?

Jill: I don't know that it was intentional. So my mom died when I was 15. And at that point, my dad then, and he was grieving. I mean, obviously as an adult now I can look back on it and go, that's what was going on with him, but I didn't understand it. So essentially I lost my mom and my dad at the same time and I needed my dad. I'd just lost my mom. She'd been sick all my life. So in a lot of ways it was a reprieve and it was a blessing.

But I didn't expect to also lose my dad because he threw himself into work and that's how he drowned his sorrow and his grief. So because of that, I kind of went on a little wild rebel streak for a few years. And coming out of that and recognizing, well, that wasn't the life that I wanted, then I think it became... the internal conversation was, okay, so then if I don't want that and I'm this person now, what does all of this look like?

Lori: Yeah, it's interesting because the way you phrased it, was like, it sounds like maybe it wasn't intentional 100%, but you were conscious of what you were doing because you said that wasn't the life I wanted. I kind of came back to it. It's interesting to me only because so many people don't do that kind of evaluation. Like they grow up with the values that are instilled in them and they never question and they just move through life, just this is what I learned and this is how I am.

Jill: Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely know people like that. And there's nothing wrong with that per se. But I think you also lose some authenticity of who you are if you're just constantly mimicking what you knew. Like, that's why when you look back on the generations, that's why there's so many differences.

how my parents were raised compared to how I was raised compared to my kids and compared to how they're raising kids. It is that different generational thing of looking back and going, okay, this is what I liked, this is what I didn't like, and so this is what I'm bringing into what my life is now.

So it's super important for people to look at who they are and not just say, this is how it's always been done. Like that's that very fixed mindset that's so, it's so stifling. It's so, it hurts my heart when I see people with such a fixed mindset that they can't think about the possibilities of what else could be.

And it doesn't mean that you have to go radically the other way, but it is looking at it and saying, okay, if this is truth, if this is what I grew up with, if this is whatever the situation is, and yet I believe that there's a way to do it different or adapt it for what's going to be in my best interest and in the best interest of the situation. That mindset is only going to make things better.

It makes you hold on to that core conviction. Like it becomes yours. You get that ownership of it. And so it's no longer, well, this is what my parents taught me. And so this is why I believe it, which is what we do when we're kids. It's this is mine. And hopefully being able to take that ownership. I've been experiencing this. We have three kids. They're all adults at this point.

And so being able to have those conversations like, so how did you take this experience and how you were raised and bring that into who you are today and what does that look like? And even the conversation of, well, why do you do that? Because that wasn't how you were raised and seeing how they went on that journey of getting to that point.

Lori: Yes, that's so fascinating that, right. And I love the whole idea of you become more committed to values that you've evaluated.

Jill: Yeah, absolutely. It kind of ties into Simon Sinek's Know Your Why. If you don't know why you do what you do, if you don't know why you believe what you believe, then you can get swayed by whoever is talking. I remember, so I remember when Martha Stewart was arrested and when she went to jail. you know, there's all these people protesting and my husband said to me, don't they have something like, isn't there a different cause that they can get behind?

And that's what we see, like people who can be so easily swayed, it's because they don't know who they are, they don't know their why, they don't have ownership of what they believe and what their convictions are.

And so in that they just glob on and I've seen this in a lot of adults. They glob on to what their friends believe, what their friends are saying or what the media is saying or, know, it's a joke a bit, but it's like, what's the flavor of the day today?

Lori: Yeah, yeah, and we see that a lot with the increase in social media and how the algorithms just reinforce what you're interacting with. So now your beliefs, I'm using air quotes, beliefs, are reinforced by what you're seeing on social, they're actually, yeah, true or not. doesn't, yeah. So yeah, that's really fascinating.

You mentioned Simon Sinek's book, what is it I know? Know Your Why, right? I was just thinking, what's your why? Know Your Why. Everybody, yes. But you also mentioned Growth Mindset. Have you read that book? It's Carol Dweck and the book is called, I believe it's called Mindset. And that's where that whole idea of a growth mindset or a fixed mindset came from, was her book. Yeah.

Jill: Okay, wow, I will have to add it to my list.

Lori: Yeah, it's been around for a while, but it talks about that's where that whole idea of growth mindset, which is something that you believe that you could change. Like, I'm not good at math is kind of a fixed mindset. I'm not good at math or I haven't been good at math in the past, so I'm going to work to become better is a growth mindset or I can become better growth mindset. Yeah. Okay. Well, cool.

I'm just looking at our notes from when we had our pre-show conversation and obviously the show is called Fine is a 4-Letter Word. So talk a little bit about the time when you got into a situation where fine was not fine.

Jill: There's been a few of those. There's been a few of those. You know, I think back to when my mom died and I remember, like I clearly remember the day even though it's been many, many, years.

And I remember because she had been in the hospital so much, because she had had kind of these situations before, everybody's like, it's going to be fine. She's going to be fine. And then going home from my friend's house and because my dad came to pick us up and said, you know, she passed. And although like there was there was that reprieve, there was still a lot that really wasn't fine.

You know, like I was super happy that she wasn't struggling anymore, that she didn't have these health issues anymore. The last two years of her life were so challenging health-wise. We spent way more time in hospitals than out. And so that wasn't always fine. And in America, we don't grieve well.

Some of my background has been in hospice work and I was a hospice chaplain for a while and we don't we don't grieve well. It's, it's, you know, okay, let's move on, you know. I was like, that's not how grief works. And it's not the, you know, yes, there's the stages of grief. It's actually not the stages of grief. It's just the feelings of grief. And, you know, you go in and out of those phases as opposed to stages. But yeah.

And so like when my sister died. My sister died, she was 40 years old. She'd had a kind of a tumultuous, excuse me. She'd had just kind of some tumultuous time as an adult. She struggled with her mental health and she chose to medicate with alcohol instead of professional help. And so she passed away. And I remember at the time I was pastoring,

I went to church and this one guy was like, where's your smile? You always have a smile on your face. And I'm like, my sister died. And he goes, yeah, I know, but where's your smile? And I'm just like, dude, like my sister died. You know, yes. Yeah.

Lori: Yeah, where's your empathy and compassion? And what's the word I'm looking for emotional intelligence?

Jill: Yes, yeah. So those times, I think back, so my husband's nephew lived with us. He was very low functioning Down syndrome. I often refer to him as our son because of our attachment to him. Our kids definitely say that was my brother.

And so he came to live with us and it was amazing. We loved him. It was so transformative for everybody and for him. And in 2010, we moved and so he went back to live with his mom until we got settled. We got settled, he came back to live with us and we knew that this was gonna be long-term. And within a week, I knew that something wasn't right and so I took him to the doctor.

And she looked at him and she said, well, I'm going to run some tests and I'm going to do them stat. And I was like, okay. know, like I know what stat means. I'm like, okay. And it came back that he had acute leukemia. He died 11 days later, 11 days from diagnosis. That was not fine.

And yet for my kids, for my husband, for our family, there was a lot of having to kind of hold that together. And we had just gotten to a new church. They didn't understand our relationship with him. They didn't understand why this was so devastating to us. And so there was that having to put on a facade that we were all fine, even though we weren't.

We weren't fine. Like we literally lived on donuts for a month. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. There was a donut shop. It was amazing. And that's how we coped. So yeah.

Lori: Yeah, which is crazy because, and I know that as humans, when we're in stressful situations, we crave sugar and comfort foods and it does nothing for our immune system. It actually shreds it even worse, but I get it, right? Because that's all you can see. All I can manage is to just have some sugar and help boost my blood sugar.

Jill: Yeah.

Lori: This is the only way, yeah. I get it. I just for clarification, you mentioned your sister, did you have other siblings? And was this child that sister's son?

Jill: Great questions. I do have other siblings. Kirky was my sister-in-law's son. So Kirky was on my husband's side. Yes. And yes, I do have other siblings. My tree is very complicated. You talk about fine and being fine. I was placed for adoption at birth. My mom was 18. My birth mom was 18. And she placed me for adoption, which was an amazing gift. And so with my adoptive family, have an older brother that was their biological son, and then my sister who was also their biological daughter. And then when my mom passed, my dad remarried, there’s step siblings. We were all adults, so it's not like we're close. And then I found my birth mom.

And with my birth mom, that was an amazing experience. found her and so I have a half sister on my birth mom's side who is 20 years younger than me. She's actually six months younger than my oldest daughter. So we have a ton of fun with that. And then probably eight years later, found my birth father. We did not have a relationship. He didn't want one and that was fine.

But I also have a half sister on that side as well, who's eight years younger than me. yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Lori: Yeah, that's so interesting. Yeah, it is. did you, like, how did you find your birth mother and was she looking for you?

Jill: So her thing that she told me is that she would never look for me because she needed it to be my idea. She didn't know what I knew. She didn't know how I felt. And she didn't want to intrude on that to satisfy her own maternal stuff. But she never changed her maiden name. So when I went looking for her, the adoption was in California.

I had tried, I went to the adoption agency. They gave me some pretty good non-identifying information. So I did some searches that way. And then it was right about the time where in California they were starting to unseal closed adoptions. And so I requested a copy of my file from the state.

They sent it to me. And from there I had last names and that was like the big thing. I had first names, I had her birth date, I had my maternal grandmother's first name, and so I had some information.

I got my file. I had her last name and I had a friend who worked for the franchise tax board in California. And I'm like, Hey, just do me this favor and run her name. And he's like, Jill, without a social security number, I'm not going to find anything. I'm like, I know, I know, I know. Just do it anyway. And so he did. And he called me back like five minutes later. He's like, I think I found her. And I was like, okay.

Lori: Meant to be there because he said he couldn't do it, but he did.

Jill: And so he said, there's this company, there's this name, she's in this town of Ileton. And again, no internet, this is early 90s. I'm getting out the big California map, like where the fuck is Ileton?

Lori: Right, right. Those pieces of paper that you had to unfold for miles.

Jill: Yes, yes, yes. Found it. And so then I called 411. And I was like, you know, Eilton, Peggy Feeks. And the operator said, he says to me, I don't have a Peggy, but I have a Rose. And I said, oh, that's my grandma. Because fortunately, I had had that information. So I got her phone number.

This is such a funny story. So I got her phone number. I called her. It was the day before Thanksgiving. I called her up and the line was busy. And so then I called my dad who's, know, he's my adopted dad, but he's my dad. So I called my dad. tell him he's known that I was doing this. He was super excited for me to go on this journey. Very supportive. And so, so I called him and I'm like, you know, I found her.

So I call and the line is busy. I'm like, is flipping 1993 who has a busy phone? There's cold. Yes, apparently. So I hang up the phone. My phone rings. I'm like, oh my gosh, she star 69 me. I pick it up. I'm like, hello? And it's my dad. He's like, have you talked to her yet? And I'm like, no, the line was busy.

So I went on like this for probably 30 minutes. I would call her, the line was busy, call line busy. Every once in while the phone would ring again, it's my dad. I'm like, stop calling me, I'll call you. Yeah, so I called the operator. I'm like, hey, can you tell me if the phone is like off the hook or if there's actual conversation? And she's like, oh yeah, there's conversation. You want me to break in? I'm like, no.

Lori: That wouldn't have been awkward at all.

Jill: No, not at all.

So she was on the phone for two hours. I'm like, lady, you are. I did later, yes. So then I called, the phone rings. I immediately hang up. I'm like, oh, I'm not ready for that. So then I called back and she picks up the phone. She's like, hello? And I said, hi, is this Rose? And Lori, she immediately starts crying. She knew, she knew.

Lori: My gosh. like I'm like my full body is like…

Jill: And so, and so I asked her, know, do you have a daughter named Peggy? And she's like, yes. And I said, I think Peggy's my mom. And she said, she is.

Yeah, it was amazing. And then I met my birth mom, and now I know why my grandma knew, because her and I sound identical. If you look at pictures of us, we look identical. And her and I have a great relationship. I'm going down. She lives in Southern California. I'm going to go down and see her this weekend and go spend some time with her. I'm super close with my sister.

And so that's been a really amazing thing.

Lori: That is really incredible. Did you get to meet your grandma? Okay.

Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I got to meet my grandma and my great grandma. Like the women on that side of the family they live for is stinking long time.

Lori: All right, well, that's good for you to know so you can plan ahead. Yeah, it sounds like there's like you got some I don't know that closure is the right word. It's not even closure is like you're closing something up. But this is like an opening, like an expansion.

Jill: Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I always knew that she placed me for adoption because she was 18 years old and she knew that she couldn't raise me. And for that, I was incredibly grateful. I mean, who knows what I would be and who I would be today had she raised me. I have some suspicions and it's not this.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift that she gave herself, that she gave me, and that she gave my parents and my family.

Lori: Yeah, yeah, and wow, like it almost sounds like it's a story that couldn't have turned out better.

Jill: Yeah, yep. And I know that's not always the case. I have lots of friends who went to find birth parents and that was definitely not the situation. So I know that I was very fortunate.

Lori: Yeah. Yeah. You had mentioned that you, I don't know if you're still doing it. don't, I'm pastoring a church.

Jill: No. So my husband and I pastored together. We were at a church together and it was a very difficult church. It was not a good place. And I told him I can't do this anymore. I'm out.

Lori: How, I'm curious though, because I don't know that I've talked, I'm trying to think of all the past guests, if anybody has pastored a church, like how does that, how do you come to do that?

Jill: I knew it's a calling. It was definitely a calling. Like I knew that I was called to be a minister. I still am an ordained minister. I just don't pastor. It's not my full-time vocation. We talk about values that have continued to carry on. And I knew, like I knew that I was called to do that.

I can very much remember the moment where it was like, this is what you're supposed to do and this is why you're supposed to do it. And so I went in and got involved in working in the youth group and with the youth, you know, high school and junior high and kind of giving back to them some of the things that people had given in my life. Little did I know that, you know, we call that coaching now.

Jill: But that was kind of how that started. And I met my husband, we got married. He also knew that he was called to be a pastor. And so we journeyed together and eventually we started a church and we were there for almost nine years. And then we moved to San Diego and we were pastoring a church that had been in existence for a long time and helped them kind of break from some of the traditions that it kept them from growing and actually reaching the community. yeah.

But like I said, I don't do it full time anymore. I don't do it vocationally anymore, but I'm still, I'm active in my church and the mindset of pastoring, is really, it's leading people.

Lori: Interesting.

Jill: So the Bible says that the work of a pastor is to, and this is very churchy words, it's to equip the saints for the ministry. So it's like leadership, it's to bring out the best in others, it's to find out who they are and to set them up for success in their giftings and in their purpose. So I still do that. It just looks different now.

Lori: Right, right. And what an honor to be able to do that. As you were saying it, it to me is kind of the equivalent of what I'm doing with this show of having the honor to hold space in my studio for people to tell their stories. And you have that honor to hold space for people to figure out who they are.

Jill: Yeah, absolutely. We all have a purpose of contributing to making our world a better place. And that comes from treating others the way that you want to be treated, looking at them as a gift and seeing what's good in them and like, teasing that out and bringing that out and setting them up for them to be the best version of themselves. We all have that responsibility and ability to be able to do that.

Lori: Yes, and I feel like that ties into a question I posted on Facebook last week, which was, can you love somebody if you don't understand them?

Jill: Yeah, of course you can. It might be, it's different. It might feel stunted. That's the word that came to my mind, but it doesn't mean that you can't love them. You can love people that you don't agree with. you can, you can love people even though the things that they do, don't bring you joy or even bring you conflict.

My sister and I had a very tumultuous relationship because of her bipolar and yet I loved her. She was my sister, I loved her. If any second she would have called me up and legitimately wanted my help, I would have been there in a heartbeat. But loving her and understanding what she was struggling with meant that we had distance.

We didn't have the normal sister relationship, but I still loved her. Yeah, such a great question. What had been some of the comments on that?

Lori: Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Almost, I think every single person, and there were a lot of comments on it, said yes. I didn't go back and further tease that out with people. I just was curious what they would think because when we look at our society right now, a lot of people are having a lot of trouble, I feel like that they are having trouble loving other people because they don't agree or understand them.

Jill: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So what prompted like, what prompted you to post that question? Where did that come from? Yeah.

Lori: I don't know, just popped into my head and I was like, I wonder. I think it's just seeing all the conflict going on in our country and the divisiveness and the idea of can you still love somebody even if you don't understand them because I think a lot of the conflict and divisiveness is coming from the fact that we don't understand where the other side is coming from and how are they so stupid? Well, no.

That's people are thinking. How can they possibly think that way? And so can we still love our fellow humans even if we don't understand them? And so I guess that was kind of some of the thoughts that have been going through my head. And I started journaling on April 1st for this quarter. I committed to starting a journaling practice. And so it was just floating around in my head. And I'm like, I'm going to throw this out there because I like putting out things that make people think.

So Jill, before I ask you the final two questions, I guess this will be the final third question. What's next for you?

Jill: I am super, super excited and blessed to have a consulting company. I had a previous boss who said, get out of my nest, go do your thing, because this is what you need to do. And so working with small business owners, helping them get out of the weeds of the constant chaos of running a small business so that they can have a thriving and healthy organization.

And so that's what continues to be next is growing that. I've been picking up some really great traction over the last six months and having more opportunity to be working with small business owners so that they can be confident in their leadership and confident in their business so that they can have committed teams and that there is a plan in place for sustainable and continued growth.

Lori: Love it. All right. So what is the song? You know this question was coming. What is the song that you listen to when you need an extra boost of energy?

Jill: It depends on the mood. Yes. I mean, there are days where Bon Jovi, obviously again, because of my age, Slippery When Wet, anything off of that album.

Lori: Yes. that was such an awesome album. huh. Yes. And since you brought him up, did you see the docuseries. It was on Hulu called Thank You, Good Night. It was the Bon Jovi story.

Jill: No, but I'm going to now. What did I miss?

Lori: Yeah, it's four part, four part series on Hulu. It came out about this time last year. Yeah.

Jill: Okay, I will definitely have to check that out. Journey, Don't Stop Believin', you know. another soundtrack is Greatest Showman.

Lori: Yeah, that comes up a lot. I've had several guests mention that. And oddly enough, I have not seen the movie. I know, I know, I need to see it. I know, I know, I really, it's on my list. If I, and I'm not a big movie person, but the next movie I watch is gonna be that one.

Jill: Yes, is. So Greatest Showman is another one that when I just need to pick me up, I will put that soundtrack on. And then, you know, going back to my faith, I do have a soundtrack of Christian songs that that pretty much is going like when I get in the car and that kind of stuff. So, yeah.

Lori: Actually would have been surprised if you did not mention that. I didn't know that you were gonna say that, but I kind of, after our conversation, I was kind of expecting you to say that. Yeah, yeah, that's awesome. And so lastly, if people want to continue a conversation with you, how do they reach you? What's the best place to find you?

Jill: So find me on LinkedIn. I love connecting with people on LinkedIn. But also you can go to linkconsulting.info and you can learn more about the work that I'm doing. And then there's a contact me button. There's actually a button that says book a call. And so we can actually have some time to have some face time. And that's best how people can get ahold of me.

Lori: Okay, I will put a link to all of that in the show notes. Jill, thank you so much for joining me today on Fine is a 4-Letter Word.

Jill: Lori, it was great talking with you.