Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio.

I'm your host, Ronic Lobarger.

Archie's latest scheme is to turn the tavern into an exclusive actors club.

Charles Lawton is to be the first member.

Leave us listen to this one hundred and twenty sixth episode of Duffie's Tavern, entitled Guest Charles Lawton.

It originally aired on April eighteen, nineteen forty four.

Where great for.

A special rebroadcast for the American Armed Forces Lies.

You're invited to drop in where the elite meat to eat Duffy's Tavern.

Good second, yall, Hello, Duffy's Tavern.

When the elite meet d don't you to manager speaking Duffy ain't here?

Hello Duffy tonight Charles Laughton.

The English Sophie Tucker uh Wharton, Duffy l A F F T O N.

Yeah, Laughton, that's how the English spell it.

Yeah, you know, like the London Times is pronounced at Thames.

Yeah, Charles Lawton.

Well, he's been a mutiny on the bounty.

The hunchback of notary name ruggles, the red cap.

You know, the guy Duffy, He's the one.

When your wife says she can't stand a side of you.

You take her to see him?

Yeah.

The crowd here, well, the usual bunch of crumbs.

Yeah.

Well, look, I got an idea how to improve the place.

If you listen, well, you know who the biggest spenders are.

Don't get actors.

Well it's obvious why actors have never got no doe.

They don't want nobody to know it, so they spend it like mad.

Yeah.

Well, my idea to turn has jointed into an exclusive private club where only actors can be members.

Yeah, like the Lambs Club.

We'll call it the Ham's Club.

I'll talk to Lorton about it when he gets here.

Okay, I'll call you back, Duffy.

So long, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to Duffy's Tavern.

Come in and meet Vinnegan, Eddie the waiter, Missus Duffy job Nuty and his orchestra, our special guest tonight, mister Charles Lovin and Archie himself, Ed Gardner.

It's a spats a club right off.

Now, let's see the first thing is we do is we uh we drow one of them peak holes in the door.

Why does this.

Hole in the wall need a hole in the door, Eddie, this is a very classy club.

Every classy club's got one, so uh that sort of the management can look out and see that nobody gets in.

But uh, bona fried members.

If you put a peak hole in that door, nobody's gonna come in.

Why not, Well you can look out deck and look in.

There's ours.

Now, how you gonna get in the act of the join this club, Well by signing up lorton.

You see, Eddie, wee we've built the better mouse trap here.

So in order to catch the right mice, we have to bake the trap with a proper piece of cheese, namely Charles Lawton.

If mister Lawton john's this club, you'll think he's back playing in the beach comber.

You gotta charge dudes for join this clumber club, Well, certainly, Eddie, it'll be worth that that.

We'll have a game room.

A game room, yeah, that back from where we keep the fake's feet.

Yeah, that's that's pretty gaming all right, badly.

And we'll have a library.

What's the library.

We'll touched off that World Almanac over there.

Well, firstly, that almanac is from nineteen fourteen, and secondly, one album I don't make a library.

Leave me take your objections in order.

Firstly about the almanac being nineteen fourteen, the declaration of independence of the great work, can't it?

Yep?

When was it Rode seventeen seventy six?

Touche now.

But the secondly objection that one almanac don't make the library.

To that, I replied a word as almanac, not almanac.

There we go, touche again.

Think you are slightly too shade in the.

Archie.

Oh yes, miss Duffy, I.

Want to ask you something very important.

What is it if a fellow says, dearest beloved, I love you more than the sun, the moon, the stars, more than life itself.

Be mine, beautiful, miss Duffy, be mine?

Is that committing himself?

Uh?

Yes and no?

What do you mean?

Yes and no, Yes and no.

Fello in his right mind would say it.

Well, it happens.

It was said to me by my boyfriend breckon Bridge Hartsonfelder, the battleship painter.

Oh, the battleship painters.

That phony porthole, Picasso back again.

Phony listen, Archie the shipyard Breckenbridge works for.

Just got the navy.

Em and when the navy gives out jays he'll get one too.

He is not a jerk.

Huh, How did you know?

I meant Jake?

You know him as well as I.

H be mine, Beautiful Miss Duffy, demne.

Do not scar.

That was a part of a very beautiful letter.

I'll read it to you.

Don't bother.

Don't bother, all right, I won't.

All right, that's good.

Well if you insist here it is listen somewhere in the Brooklyn Navy Yard, Dear Miss Duffy.

As I sit here on my scaffold looking at this flat gray paint, I think of you, you as you will be when you are old and gray.

Isn't he romantic artchie?

Yeah?

Yeah, the only guy in the whale has got romance in his paints.

You may continue, Miss Duffy, darling, you.

Almost lost your baby begins today.

A terrible thing happened.

The foreman made a mistake in figuring the tide, and for twenty minutes I was painting underwater.

He is, Tell your mother, I'll be over tomorrow with some fresh flounder.

Painting on the water for twenty minutes.

That guy is the biggest dope I've ever met.

With one exception, Oh, to him fan again.

Oh good even, miss duffing dem you look.

Pretty, Thank you Finn again.

Every day you look better.

Yesterday you look better than the day before.

Than today you look like the morning after.

Thank you, nice style, Miss Duffing the hyat I hated you.

You're recognizing the new club.

He'sa gonna have dames in it.

Dames, Finnigans.

This is a club, not a fraternity.

What's your father being in the club without dames.

That's why I quit the boy scout.

I'm sorry Finn again, but this club will not have no names.

It will be strictly non sectarians.

Hey Joe, Hey Vanoing, Wait a minute, yeare ar?

What is that stuff that you are playing?

That's dinner music?

It does sound like they're playing with knives and forks there, Look, Joe, we're changing this place to a very explosive club from now on.

We would like a higher type of music.

Well, aren't you You got the right man?

Just back and play any kind of music, anything from Berlin to Broms.

All right, how about some symphony?

What's that.

You're trying to make yourself get out of a sounds place?

Okay, Joe, play the highest class thing you know.

Okay, ready, boys one two, This.

Is a kind of music that makes that laid wrestle.

Hello, Hello, Duffy, you've been thinking it over.

You want to join a club.

Huh but Duffy, you ain't no actor.

Duffy yelling take it off in a burlesque child.

That don't make you an actor.

I'll tell you what, Duffy, instead of a member, will make you the board of governor.

Yeah, you can pass on of no members.

Okay, Duffy, ma' horrible looking Duffy trying to join his club the hard art.

No crocks about Duffy's looks.

Herrod comes spinnagainst that ain't Duffy.

That's a kindred kisser, Charles Lord.

Good evening, mister Lawton, leave me w welcome to this distinctive establishment.

There and freedom are thank you.

May I say you just a minute?

Leave me further, say mister Lorton, that seldom have we behooved such an august presentiment to these confines.

And further, besides, please, I ain't true yet a man is in love with the sound of his own voice.

Let me say, oh, and feel assured, mister Lawton, that your visitor is a bereavement from which we will not soon recover.

If there is anything you desire, just.

Bake orcre Well, there's one thing I would like, what an edge wise?

Huh?

An edge wise?

Yes, so that I can get a word in.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'll cad.

I forgot that.

I guess I was born with a silver tongue in my mouth.

Because your silver tongue is giving me a ten ear.

I to you should be more careful with the English language.

Don't forget it.

Maybe somebody's mother tongue.

If you're referring to me using them big words.

I was always it kind of a beast kid with a syllable you.

Yeah, I started using big words practically the minute I learned how to talk.

Then the minute youre learned to talk.

Yeah, well, you see, I learned to talk pretty late.

How old were you eighteen?

By that time?

I was in high school.

I wish i'd met you at seventeen.

Yeah, well you should have did it.

I was quite charming you sure you were?

Yeah?

So this is the famous Duffiest tavern.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

You've never been here before, have you never?

And I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Well, now that you are here, how do you like to joint?

I think this tavern is unique unique.

That might be an insult.

If it isn't, i'll rephrase it.

Oh look, we don't say that this place is no Stork club, but we don't also say that eight people there's no triumph talent need it?

So leave us not being celty.

She introduce me.

Oh, miss Duffy, this is that John's Lawton.

How do you do likewise?

I'm sure you know, mister Lawton, there is a type of girl that only goes for handsome leading men.

But there is another type that appreciates flying, acting and meeting you.

Now.

I almost wish I was one of them.

Well, miss Duffy, we can't all bit pinup boys, after all, there are just so many pins.

How got you the punny of girl back to you anyway?

Hah shucks, No, I mean it.

You know, some girls fall in love with the first sight they meet.

Miss Duffie.

For your sake, I hope so men do likewise.

I'm sure, thank you very much.

Look, Mustuffy, please, somebody would like to see you outside?

Who me?

Good day, Mustuffie.

What a dame?

Now, Charles, I got a proposition upon me, mister Lton.

Yes, my name is christ and Finnegan.

Why shouldn't it be.

Thank you mister Lutton.

Listen to this, mister Christian, I am Captain Blycer.

Now you'll say it, do mister Christian, I am Captain Bliger.

I thought so.

My imitation is pifect.

Now I know what man's ADATs would be if it weren't a song.

Louck.

Charles will come to the point.

We're turning Duffy's Tavern into an exclusive club.

You know, very ulterior.

Uh, we would like you to be the first member.

But first and only well not you only remember after you find out how wonderful a club, as we naturally expect you to suck in some of your friends.

You're actually going to make a club out of this Duffy's Cavern.

Yes, a terrific club, game room, library.

Just picture yourself, Charles, relaxing in the library, sinking six inches deep into one of a comfortable chairs.

Quite impossible.

Those chairs can't have more than four inches of dust on them.

Wuck Wrton.

You could sit on a stone bench and still sink six inches deep.

Well, I've led a soft life.

That is quite obvious.

Well, anyway, this club will be wonderful.

You see in the game room we have all kinds of games, bridge with bacminton, chess, cribbage, jacks, uh POTSI uh down in the basement of the archery.

He went a minute, Hey, Eddy, did you arrange to put that bull's eye down in the basement bulls eye?

Yeah, for the archery.

Oh well, you don't need a bull's eye down that is live targets.

Don't kidding, Johnny.

This club is gonna be wonderful.

Just picture of warm what curious room, a roaring heart and the fireplace.

Uh quiet at tenants tootsy footing around, you know, pictures of great actors hanging on a wall, Edwin Boots, Sarah Bernhart, Richard Mansfield, Red Skelton.

What about my picture?

Your picture?

Yeah, yeah, we'll hang it.

I think I have the very place.

Oh no, you'll do.

All right.

Then you're not going a room with the page feet.

We'll put you in the main room.

You'll stand out more.

What do you say, will you join Charles if I can get you in?

Well good, that's well.

Hello, Hello, Duffy Glared Tidings Wharton has joined the club.

Huh, but Duffy's an actor.

Duffy, you can't do that.

I care with a guy like Lawton.

Okay, mister Lawton, what the board of governor says?

You got the audition?

Audition?

Yeah?

You see, this club is only for actors, and the board of Governor has certain doubts.

Hasn't he seen any of my pictures?

That's what give him the doubts?

Oh, tell him go soak his head.

He can't right now, He's better go his feet.

So what about the audition?

By audition?

But that awful?

Man.

I'm a bigger hand than I think I am, and I couldn't be.

Don't worry you are.

So why do you say Duffy's listening?

Then?

Huh?

Well, all right, I start off with a recitation, a recitation.

Huh yes, the works of the Immortal Bard and the moor bluh.

Okay, to be or not to be?

That is the question?

Hello, okay, Duffy not to be?

Now?

Chuck, Well, don't you know no songs or jokes?

Yes?

I know some jokes.

Well, go ahead and spring him.

Duffy likes jokes.

Well, here's a very funny joker.

It because I guess well, he says, I've just received a letter from my sister.

She must be very ill.

And then she says, really, how do you know, whereupon he replies, well, she started the letter by saying I'm in Chicago sick.

I say, Archie, I must have messed that up.

I think I should have said I'm in Chicago ill.

That joke just read Chicago dead.

You better tell another one.

Child's not quite so funny this time.

Oh, doing Duffy knows the one about the traveling salesman.

He's only good.

I heo, okay, Duffy, Well, Child, so much for jokes.

What else is there that you can do?

Well?

I can't sing a bit?

Well, okay, have had it right?

She may have seen all better dies when she was in her prime.

She may have seen all better died one honor time better hall, she foun she may yu please?

And why that some?

What is?

Why?

Hello?

What?

Well?

How would you like to be standing here right next to it?

Look, Charles, ask child?

The Board of Governor has decided your case in the affirmative.

You're out, white amore.

The Board of Governor has asked me to dissolve the club.

So you have earned a rare distinction.

What do you meet?

This is the first time in the history that any club has resigned from a member.

Good night Charley, good night out you.

Well, it's about time to leave Duffy's Tavern for this evening.

But let's all meet here again next week, when our guest will be Bob Crosby and missus Bob Hope.

Duffy's.

When you late me t not you to mind your speaking Duffy oll uf Duffy.

Yeah, that's right.

Next week, the Laura is hoping to Bob Crosby, Yeah, uh, Bob Hope's wife and bring Crosby's brother Wall celebrating uh Dependants Day.

Yeah, before we leave Duffies, leave us put a couple of nickels in Duffies jukebox.

The flat is spinning, the needle comes down.

It's music.

Old back in my kid, and I'm leaving to day hose.

I'm taking a trill hound upon your way.

I'm going to settle down and never more wrong, and make the standrinando abound in my whole.

Uh huh, I'll forget my estan.

I've been making new friends where the west.

Big is uh and the sun set in.

Cause I've decided where you're school in sherf Fell, and it's the Sandrick and of Valley.

For me, I think that I.

Am safe in stat shave gonna be waste me when my lonely journey is done, And kindly, oh Reverend, time out and us the problem of who will make.

The two of us one?

So I'm hitting my traveling in the cow country.

You can forward my man as our rest is.

I'm gonna settle down and never mall long and make my home.

In the same birdland.

No home nouns an a.

N Something.

At the show says.

This is the Armed.

Forces Radio Service.

Listen your questions and comments to host at Classiccomedy OTR dot com until next time.

In the words of Hamilton Wright, maybe blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.