What's up, everybody.

My name is Craig Para, and you are listening to Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions, a podcast designed to help you create healthy sexuality in a great life and men, it's also for your partners.

Now this podcast I am deliberately intentionally recording for your wives, and the title is what to Do if your husband is a sex Addict.

But men, this does not mean that you don't get to listen to this, because I want you to listen to this so you understand the impact of your behavior.

That's not something that comes at rock bottom.

It's not something that you awaken to in months.

As you grow and as you heal, one of the developmental milestones for you is going to be the realization, Holy shit, I heard the one person I pledged to love, to support, to make safe.

If you're speaking, if I'm speaking from personal experience, I shit on my marriage.

I desecrated those vows.

My old boss told me something I'll never forget is in regards to a politician that we had some dealings with when I was an assistant general counsel had a big insurance company.

He said, Craig, let me tell you something.

He said, be careful with this guy.

This is someone that I had to go meet for the company.

Don't trust him, he said, Never trust a man who lies to his wife.

This is the kind of guy who comes in the front door with his mistress, goes out the back door with his wife.

And if a man lies to his wife, he will lie to everyone.

So you are awakening and will continue to the awaken the pain that you've caused your partner.

So let's get into it.

Ladies, this podcast is for you.

Men.

I also want you to listen to it, but I want to begin.

Let's get started.

So you just found out your husband is a sex addict.

It's like a bomb when off in your life.

The shock hits your body first.

I've heard women describe it.

Their chest tightens, they feel like they can't breathe.

Their mind is racing with questions that they never wanted to ask.

And right away, do I leave?

Do I stay?

I said to myself, I would never stay if something like this happened.

Is here I am staying and I feel bad about that.

I have no one to talk to.

Is our marriage even real?

This is betrayal trauma?

It is real.

It looks a lot like PTSD, and if it feels like your whole world is caving in, it's because it has.

What you're feeling is not overreacting, it's not being dramatic.

You're not stuck in the past.

Research shows betrayaled trauma can trigger symptoms similar to PTSD, flashbacks, hypervigilance, sleep problems, obsessive thinkings.

Guys, this is what our women are going through, right and ladies, you're not broken.

You're having a human reaction to a devastating injury.

And I think about it like this is you go to bed thinking.

Two plus two is four.

We all know that to be true.

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

And my husband is being honest with me.

Your reality, the way you experience it, who you trust, has been shattered, and it is devastating.

It is absolutely devastating.

And for the first twenty four hours, right, the mission there is to protect and stabilize, breathe and slow down.

Big decisions can wait right now.

Your nervous system needs you more than your to do list.

Okay, first twenty four hours.

My tip number two, get safe emotional support.

You may be tempted to tell somebody, but that person might not be a safe place.

Right.

This is complicated.

This is tricky, and there is a great chance chance that you will be judged.

However, you do want to find someone that you can trust.

Right.

This could be a friend, a coach, or it could be.

A betrayal trauma therapist, it could be Michelle and our partner empowerment group.

You need a safe place to get support and to be honest.

The third tip that I get partners in the first twenty four hours.

Protect your space if needed, create physical or digital boundaries.

No surprise confrontations, no frantic late night searching.

Sometimes you need space, physical space or emotional space, and that's okay, okay, and document don't decide if you need details take notes right now.

Clarity matters more than confrontation because your world has been turned upside down.

Let me tell you what Sarah said when I found out this is one of our clients.

I felt like my marriage was a lie.

But working with Craig and Michelle, I learned two things fast.

One I'm not crazy and two I'm not alone.

And she goes on to say the steps he gave me and our call life support, YadA yadah, that's all nice.

And well, but this is common.

You are not crazy, You were not crazy.

You are wounded, you are traumatized.

And let me tell you something about our philosophy is betrayal trauma causes wounds that you must treat.

You must treat.

If you do not treat those wounds, there is no way that you are going to be successful long term.

It just doesn't work that way.

You have to think about it like a physical injury.

Think about it like you've been in a car accident.

Right, you told him not to text, he texted.

You got in a car accident anyway, But that mean that you don't go to PT or go to OT or get the diagnostic test just because he did it.

No, No, you need help.

This is for you.

This is something that you do for you, and that is really, really, really important that you prioritize what's important.

So let's get into specifically seven things that you can do or not do.

We're gonna talk about some things you cannot do if you've just found out that your husband is a sex addict.

Number one, don't rush into any big decisions when your world get rocks by betrayal.

The first question that hits is should I stay or should I go.

Shame on anyone who is judging your decision.

I will always say that, but in challenging economic times, please you know why Michelle stayed.

In the beginning, she thought it was love.

She thought that she wanted to pull me up, help me, pull me up out of the morass, and help me be a better person.

I'm the better father, Yes, that was part of it.

She stayed initially for financial reasons.

She didn't think about going anywhere until she straightened out her financial house.

I was the provider.

She was to stay at home.

Mom hadn't been in the workforce for many, many years.

Shame on anybody who is judging you for your decision.

You want to be in a place where you feel supported.

That being said, don't rush into any big decisions.

That is basic advice when you're angry, when you're hurt, when you're devastated.

If you're watching this listening to this, no big decisions.

Michelle gave herself permission to breathe.

She gave herself permission to gather herself financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

You can leave any time, but right now you can also just not leave today.

And if you choose not to decide.

You still have made a choice, and that's a powerful choice.

The next thing that you must do is you must take care of yourself because right now your central nervous system is on fire.

And if you want to survive this trauma kind of good news bad news, you have to thrive.

Survival is not enough to take you out of this hole that you're in.

And your number one job if your husband is a sex addict, is to take care of yourself.

In our partner group, Michelle teaches something that we call the fundamental five.

It is the basics.

And when you are in chaos and when you are in trauma, it is so easy to overlook the basics.

But we're not going to do that.

You must eat well, you must rest your body's going through hell.

You must hydrate, you must exercise, and you must practice mindfulness.

Okay, focus on these basics.

Focus on these basics with a belief system that you are worthy, that you deserve love, that you are worthy of dignity in respect, and you are going to prove it by treating yourself with dignity and respect.

And this is your call to action, because that's the only way out.

You must drive.

You must drive.

Next step, get support, but be smart about it.

And I touched on this earlier.

You can't do this alone.

But you just can't turn to anyone.

Either, right.

Not all support is created equal.

You'll be judged, others will gaslight you.

What you need is trauma inform support from someone who's been there.

So we have a couple of programs.

That one we offer our Partner Empowerment Group, and we're also great friends with doctor Debbie Silber who runs the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute.

Her link to her program is down below.

Get help.

We've got a podcast, We've got groups.

You need people who understand betrayal trauma because they lived it.

So if you are isolating, I beg of you, please stop.

If you are not connecting, please start connecting, because healing happens in safe community.

Next, you have to feel your feelings without judging them, and this is ridiculously hard.

You don't need to fix your feelings right now.

You need to feel them, rage, grief, heartbreak, discuss longing.

Right they're all going to They all might exist at once.

You can love your husband and still want to kill them.

You can be devastated, crushed, and still not want to leave.

So please, this is an act of self compassion.

Stop judging your emotions, start observing them.

Pay attention and what we teach here in the mindful Habit, track your triggers, what's triggering you, What are the thoughts that you're having, Speak your truth and practice gratitude daily.

This is how you stay grounded, and this is how you keep from drowning in the pain.

Next, you must set boundaries that create emotional safety for you.

And unfortunately none of this is easy.

See, you can't rebuild trust without first creating emotional safety for you.

You you feeling safe in your body, you having the skills, the capacity to regulate and see boundaries.

They're not control, they're not punishment.

We have a program.

One of the exercises is I feel unsafe when you take the phone into the bathroom because it makes me feel like you're not prioritizing recovery, that you really don't I feel like you don't care.

Here's what I want you to do instead.

This is about helping you feel safe in your own home and your own body and your own relationship.

Boundaries protect your piece and if he's serious about recovery, he will honor them for them.

But if he doesn't, now you have more clarity.

And here's the thing about boundaries, here's a cautionary tale.

You are going to be very tempted to say again, Promise me you'll never lie to me again.

Promise me you'll never slip again, And if you do, I'm leaving.

We encourage partners that we work with to not make promises that they do not intend on keeping.

These are complicated issues.

Your husband's broken as started in childhood.

He has been keeping these secrets in some cases for decades, and chances are he's going to lie about it, and chances are he's going to stumble.

Don't You want to create an environment where you're getting good information, where you're not suppressing him and doing things that would contribute to him being dishonest.

You want data, you want information, you want the truth.

So you can ask yourself what conditions do I need to create to accomplish that goal.

It's very empowering, and one of these days Michelle and I are going to do a podcast on her use of how she reclaimed the word manipulate and what she means by that is knowing I was batshit crazy, right, and knowing I was hyper reactive and hyper defensive and had anger issues.

She said, I'm not going to reinforce his narrative.

I'm going to create conditions by my responses that produce the outcome I seek.

She said, I'm not going.

To be reinforced a justification that he's using for his behavior because I'm supposedly a bitch, because I'm upset and I'm raising my voice.

Make no mistake, she expressed her emotion.

She was smart about it.

She was smart about it.

It was really shocking and moving to me when she did that next step.

Imagine the possibility, even if you can't see it yet.

Right now, you may feel like your marriage is over, and there's a chance that it might be.

Some relationships do not recover.

Some couples their best path is away from each other.

Now Fortunately, unfortunately, whatever the the overwhelming majority of clients move back towards each other.

Okay, but what if this breakdown becomes the break through?

And Michelle and I have worked with hundreds of couples who've created stronger, more connected relationships because of this storm.

It forced them to get real, forced him to get help.

It forced the partner who's struggling not just with betrayal trauma, but the trauma that sits under need.

The betrayal trauma what we call stacked trauma.

It forced both people, husband and wife to treat those core wounds.

And here's the thing.

You may not have confidence in him, but I want you to have confidence in you.

You got this.

You are going to come out of this thriving.

You are not gonna let his mental illness, his arrogance, his lack of empathy, his shame, his demons, the baggage carries.

You are not gonna let that suck you down.

You are not gonna let that consume you and take over because you see this crisis.

And here's what I want you to know.

Betrayal trauma causes wounds that must be treated.

And in so many cases, all the resources go to the men.

All the resources go to the men, when in fact, you've got a partner at home literally day in and day out, suffering with PTSD like symptoms.

You do not have to suffer alone.

You can find someone who can help you accelerate, deepen, and help.

You sustain your journey.

So if any of this this hits home, don't sit in silence, you are not alone.

You don't have to stay stuck.

Michelle's Partner Empowerment program is specifically.

Built for you.

It's for women hit with betrayal trauma who is ready to take their power back.

We've seen so many women rebuild, We've seen women rise, and it all starts with one step, a choice to take care of you, A decision in your life that says I am worthy of self care, I am worthy of getting help because I love myself and I'm not gonna let him destroy me no freaking way.

And remember, whether your husband gets better or not.

You you will.

You must because you deserve it.

Thank you for watching.

My name is Craig Parra, and I am so so sorry.

If you are listening to this video and you are struggling with your husband's compulsive sexual behavior, it's devastating.

Your world has been turned upside down.

Visit the website Mindfulhabit heelp dot com.

You can check out the Partner Empowerment group in the link in the show notes, we have the link to doctor Debbie Silber's Post Betrayal Transformation Institute, who's a good friend of ours, who has a wonderful program.

If you don't connect with ours.

We want you to get help.

We've been doing this thirteen years, and there is hope again.

I don't know what's going on with him, but I know you can do it because I know if all the women we've worked with, they've all been through Helen back, they've all overcome so many challenges, are ready to get here, and there is no doubt in my mind that they will not only survive this one, they will thrive this one.

Let that be you.

Let that be you, because you deserve it.

Thanks for watching.

I'm Craig Parra.

I'm the founder of the Mindful Habit System with my incredible wife Michelle.

You're listening to sex afflictions and porn addictions and life is too short to suck.

I hope you find peace.

Thanks for watching.