Hey all you boils, ghouls and non dineries out there in cyberspace.

Listener beware because it's time to play You Can't Scare Me, the podcast where we listen to Ariel Stein's Seminole work Goosebumps in chronological order and try not to kill ourselves.

I'm joined as always by my Co host Bob You.

Won't let us leave.

And Brandon?

I miss my wife.

Hey everybody, welcome to You Can't Scare Me.

Today I'm joined, as always, by my friends Mario.

Hey, Bob, it's me, Mario the cool ghoul who's everybody's pal.

Who's still in game show mode, apparently.

I just wanted to say, I just wanted to say everybody's pal like that.

Everybody's pal.

Everybody's pal.

Yeah, there we go.

I will say there is mention of a ghoul who may or may not be cool in this book, but we can't forget about the wonderful Brandon.

You can scare me if you want.

I can take it.

It's not gonna.

Be It's not gonna be your new catch phrase.

I guess so you.

Can scare me, You can scare me if.

You want?

I like it, Yeah.

Try it on next time too.

Dear RL Stein Dear RL Stein, try and please scare.

Me saying yes I am if you want, you know, please scare me.

Are you a scare bottom?

A scare bottom.

Are you the one who's be should I take?

That I hate that.

You can leave it in.

I just, I'm just putting out there that I hate it.

I am a scare top.

Yes, and Mario not.

No, I detest.

No, Brandon, I am yes Anding and my yes and is that I hate it.

And now, and now in this improv sketch, everyone gets to adjust to that.

Everyone gets to adjust, yes.

No, you don't, Oprah.

Well guess what y'all, we actually have, dare I say, a Goosebumps book that is not bad, or at the very least not nearly as bad as the the book that we did last time.

It's one day at Horrorland book #16 we were 16 deep in this shit.

Oh my God.

Before we get to talking about this book, I will say I'm just going to start right off with it.

Probably the most fun Goosebumps episode the TV episode I've seen.

Also I didn't realize that they called season 3 of the Goosebumps show Ultimate Goosebumps.

Ultimate goosebumps, yeah.

I'm reading on.

Way worse intro for.

That, Oh my God.

Unbelievably worse.

Ultimate goosebumps intro.

That was the one that I was I I had you listen to.

It's the one that's like earlier on in the in the in you can't scare me.

It was like the one that had a bunch of weird stock sound effects and like.

Yeah.

Like a bat.

Jump scare.

Jump.

Scare Noises jump.

Scare are like fucking hit, yeah.

Goosebumps.

It's terrible.

It's terrible.

I don't understand why the kids are allowed to experience good things.

You can make good stuff for kids.

You could, I mean, here's what I would say.

I think they tried really hard on this episode of Goosebumps.

I, I I don't know that they succeeded in this.

Little goosebumps.

They were trying.

We're getting a little ahead of ourselves, but Oh my God on that TV episode is the most like budget episode of Goosebumps I've ever seen.

They.

Clearly blew all of their budget on the costumes.

Yeah, no money leftover.

It was incredible.

They were trying so hard though.

It's, it's, it's not good.

No, but they did try.

You can't fault them for trying.

You can't.

Well, you can't.

Well, Mario, in the game show of life, there's this thing called time.

Yeah.

And as it progresses, it creates.

The ultimate game.

Time that happened before the current time.

If you think about it, history is a prize that we get for living what?

A shitty prize.

What an awful.

It's an awful.

I'm not saying you want.

It I don't want this.

I'd like money instead, would that be cool?

Much like a sports utility vehicle, history is always there, just out of reach.

Such a fucking.

That's such a reference to the episode that we haven't even gotten.

To yet.

Oh my God.

All right, this I'm going to preamble this episode by saying if you drink every time we say sports utility vehicle, you'll die.

But because the book straight up says Toyota, it just says Toyota.

They clearly didn't get the rights to get, didn't get the ability to say like whatever brand of car they wanted to say in the TV episode.

They were probably like, we can't even risk sending a memo to the legal department to ask if we can say Toyota for this episode because we blew it all on Monster masks.

You can't sue me.

You can't.

You can't sue me.

Oh, that's a that's good.

But yeah, hey, anyway, fuck it.

Let's talk about history.

But only as it pertains to movies, television and video games.

The only history that matters.

Can you please do your section?

Yeah, in the game show voice.

I can introduce it and then see how far we can get.

All right, it's hold on.

Let me think about it.

Let's talk about history, but only as it pertains to movies, TV and video games.

The only history that matters in the year of our Lord, February 1994, these were your movies in theaters I.

Really like game show Mario, he is a strong contender with Manga Mario for my favorite Mario.

Mario, can you do it in the voice of the Hotel Mario Lou Albano style?

Can I do?

In the voice of Lou Albano, Yeah.

What a request.

Those.

Pesky plumbers?

Yeah, those in your movies with a year for February 1994 looked something like this.

I mean the call on response is very strong.

OK, your movies right Your if you if you went to a theater in February 94 this these were some, not all of your movie viewing options.

It wasn't great, but there were a few that matter.

Number one Ace Ventura pet detective.

Hey, there's a classic right there.

Yeah, classic film, to quote to quote Andy Samberg, classic film, one of my childhood favorites.

And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end.

Yes, I mean, it's like AI mean, I mean, I guess Jim Carrey's career was already launched at that point by in living color.

But you know, it's it's a classic.

Everybody likes it.

You know it has its problems but what doesn't?

From 94 The Black Cauldron got re released in theaters for some reason.

Has anyone seen the Black Cauldron?

Yes.

I have.

I have not.

It looks very good.

As a movie, It.

Yeah.

As a mess, yeah, it's not.

It's very pretty.

It's not the best, but it's it's very good to look at.

Also, if you didn't know, if you haven't seen the defunct Land video on the Black Cauldron ride, it was a ride underneath Cinderella's Castle that took you into the dungeon wherein all of Disney's villains were imprisoned apparently.

So in this world, Disney villains are in dungeons underneath Cinderella Castle.

Yeah, that's dark.

I like that, Yeah.

But the but the Horned King from the Black Cauldron is in there and he summons an army of devils to take the souls of mankind and slay all that is good and banish man to hell.

And it's like a full, it's like a full animatronic Horned King.

Very cool.

No longer.

Exist.

Yeah, as I understand the reason why the Black Cauldron was allowed to be so dark and cool was that Secret of Nim had come out, I think, and and Pete and it was a huge hit.

And Disney was like, oh, I guess we can actually try to do like dark fantasy stuff, which I'm sure a lot of their artists were very into.

But Papa Disney wasn't so much he wanted, he didn't want it to be so scary.

He's.

Like can you put a cute pig in there please?

You can't scale me.

Make the pig cuter.

I'm OK with the pig being cute.

Also, it was cute.

It was cuter.

Make me cuter, brother.

Make me cuter, can I be?

Damn I oog you so cute.

Brother, am I kawaii?

Am I kawaii?

So I wanted to quickly.

I'm the kawaii one brother.

Defunct Land does not need shout outs because they're just incredible and I highly appreciate but also the Garfield ride.

Yeah.

The Lovers tunnel Garfield.

Yeah, please, please watch that.

That is that is a it is a ride.

Also, thank you defunct land.

I followed you a long time ago and you actually saw my my tweet about this.

But you're the person who got me, who who awakened a memory in me of going on extraterrestrial when I was a child and I.

I did too.

I.

Tagged him on on Twitter.

By the way, we're not on Twitter anymore.

Twitter is dead.

Twitter is dead.

We're on blue Sky now.

Come over to Blue Sky.

Go over those and.

Fall over.

There, that's a RIP, but I actually don't want it to.

Rest in peace.

Rest in.

Rest in penis A.

Rizz a rest in shit, how about that?

Yeah, rest in shit you fucking clown show.

How appropriate that we're talking about defunct clan on the One Day at Horrorland episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's yeah, it's definitely a vibe.

Yeah, yeah.

So yeah, extra terrestrial.

I also went on that, but I had my hood up the whole time.

No, ruined it.

I did.

I really experienced myself.

I didn't even, it wasn't intentional.

It truly was not.

I was just being like a shitty kid and like, it was not intentional at all.

But I walked out like that wasn't scary at all.

Like, yeah, because I didn't fucking feel it.

Dumb ass.

Yeah.

If I remember correctly, quote Mario as a child oopa doopa Doo.

I'm a shitty little kid.

Oopa doopa.

That's me.

You got it.

You.

Figured me out when you and when you realize that you completely ruined the experience of Extra Terrestrial you, you quote Mario.

God damn.

It that's yeah.

Probably deep Mario lore for for real, yeah damn it for real YCSM heads.

But yeah, anyone who doesn't know what we're fucking referencing Extra Terrestrial.

Was this really cool?

I would.

It wasn't an experience.

It was like a sit.

Down I was an experience.

You got in these seats and the the entire idea of it was that you were basically like transporting cargo, which was this, it was this like Alien.

It was this fucked up, crazy, crazy Alien that was like super like like Xenomorph esque, if I remember correctly.

And then at a certain point you're all sitting down and it's like they're testing teleportation stuff.

And at a certain point the power goes out and everything goes dark.

So you see this giant monster in front of you and then lights go out, lights come back on.

And then the thing that it was inside of, it's been broken.

You hear like glass shatter and it's the monster is no longer there.

And then the lights go back out and it's like, where the fuck is it?

And then the reason why Mario accidentally ruined the experience for him is because it's got little air like like, like, what do you call those?

Just like, just like little blowers, little air vents, like.

Vents.

Vents.

Vents, yeah.

Blue air on your neck and it played audio like in stereo from the, if I remember correctly from the seat, I think.

And so it had it was like positional.

So you heard the monster go around you and then it was sniffing you and as it sniffed it was like blowing air on you.

And if I remember correctly, it it roared at a certain point and they had like little yeah or or yeah it had like maybe it was when the the two broke.

It had like water, like shoot out.

There is misting.

There is some misting going on.

Yeah, I think it drooled on.

Yeah.

Drool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So yeah, it was, it was, it was a great ride for a how old were you 'cause I couldn't have been that much.

Older.

Gosh, I was in maybe 5th or 6th grade at that time.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was around the.

Because shortly thereafter it got replaced by a Lilo and Stitch ride.

Yep.

Which is even scarier.

Which is even scarier.

Yeah, Lilo and Stitch Ride's fucked up.

And then it was taken like completely because of course no one wanted to go on that.

But back back to film a movie that I think I bet all three of us have seen and love this film.

Blank check.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep.

Tone tone Loke is in blank check.

I remember that because that's one of those classic like 90s movies, and I think they did this a lot in the 80s as well.

It was like a child fantasy movie.

Where it's where a.

Grown woman, this is a child.

Yep, Yeah, famously ends with a grown woman.

Like suggesting the possibility of a future romance with a boy that's maybe 12 years.

Old.

I think it happened to big as well if.

I remember it probably did.

Yeah, that would make sense.

Also famously ends with the kid filling out the check to Fort for $420.69 to Steve Poop.

It's yeah, it's a classic film.

I'm sure I've seen it probably upwards of 40 times.

For some reason that made me want to watch 3 Ninjas.

I get that, I do get that.

I don't know why, but you get me so.

I get you.

And it's, I mean, it's, it's a, it's a short hop, skip and a jump from blank check to three.

Ninjas, that's true.

That's.

True.

My Girl 2 What came out this year?

Yeah, the sequel to My Girl Not starring Macaulay Culkin.

Yeah.

What?

How?

What?

What?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what that's.

I think it's a bad movie.

All I know about My Girl 2 is that it is referenced in the movie Spy Hard where a child who is not Macaulay Culkin, but his in the universe name is Mcclunky or Mcculkey is is summarily beaten and like by some terrorists or whatever and they and they're like.

This is for my.

Girl 2 and he's like I wasn't even.

Then that one.

More but most importantly of all, I think probably, and this one is probably, maybe just for Brandon, but On Deadly Ground with Steven Seagal came out in this very month.

That's the movie where Steven Seagal plays.

I believe he is supposed to be Native American.

My God.

And he is a bomb or he's a fire expert.

He is a he is a fire expert or a bomb expert or something.

And Michael Caine wearing the worst toupee I've ever seen.

That changes at some point.

That changes color is his boss who is trying to like some kind of oil thing in Alaska.

Steven Segal has to go on a vision quest with the Eskimos.

It is incredible.

Oh, there's also a part where Steven Segal gets into a bar fight with somebody and he's like, the path to peace is measured by your will to work together with your balls.

And he literally, he talks with this guy's balls like for, no joke, like 10 minutes.

He keeps talking to Steve's balls and then like a Native American and he's like, thank you so much, Steven Seagal.

Your work is so beautiful and you're so smart and you're here to our people.

Yeah, sucks.

Steven Seagal, there's a lot of bad people out there.

He might be the worst of them.

He might be the worst person.

I strongly recommend watching On Deadly Ground.

Yeah, see, it's a terrible film, but it's very funny.

Starring the worst person.

Yeah, he sucks ass.

Midnight Cowboy came out this year.

I've never seen it, but Justin Hoffman's in it.

I don't know if that's anything.

And then and Reality Bites, which is Ben Stiller's first directorial role, was this year, which is weird to think that Ben Stiller was directing major motion pictures in 1994, but it happened.

How?

Old was he?

God, he had to be in his 20s his.

30s.

Do a little math on that I guess.

So 30s I.

Guess yeah, I guess so, yeah.

Pretty weird to think about though.

Let's talk about TV.

It was a oh man, shit was still bad in TV.

Starz launched its Multiplex channel lineup or no sorry on Encore launched its Multiplex channels, which includes in Starz and so now Starz exists.

Thank God.

And you know, you can now stream it probably if you want.

Also that had like the action channel and like the romance channel.

And I watched a lot of the Action Channel and it's where I watch a lot of anime as a.

Kid, so if you got a time machine out there and you want to go back there, just remember stars exists at this period, in this period.

February 94.

Before that, you don't want to go back.

Stars anywhere past that, Everyone everywhere Before that?

Nope.

Wasteland.

Barren wasteland.

If you pass that, stars will exist.

That's true.

I didn't know this, but apparently this month in history Martin Lawrence was banned from SNL.

Why?

Because apparently in his, he made a bunch of very sexually explicit jokes about female genitalia and feminine hygiene.

And according to Jim Downey, the guy who wrote a bunch of stuff for Norm McDonald, who had to come out like and film a prerecorded segment for all subsequent airings of this episode, apparently the show is almost cancelled because of this.

SNL was almost cancelled.

Yeah, apparently.

Wow.

Or or everyone was almost fired because of it.

Huh.

Yeah, also Sony bought Columbia and Tristar beginning the end of time.

Yeah, that was it.

That was it.

That was, that was the start of it.

And just FYI, if you haven't seen it, Jim Downey on Conan O'Brien Oh my God, is so funny.

He's so fucking funny.

That intro is like I I haven't laughed.

The the the Epson bit is the fucking funniest thing.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Oh my God, dude.

He is so.

Funny.

He's so fucking funny, Oh my God.

What started on TV this month?

Well, you'll be so glad to hear that Aladdin, the TV series did.

I remember that.

I also remember I watched a lot of them TV show as well.

Yes.

Yeah, and also the the Hercules show, which of course has not yet aired.

I watched a lot of Aladdin and Hercules, Hercules, and I was a big fan of Abysmal.

I liked Abysmal and Aladdin.

I thought he was cool because he had a skeleton hand and I thought that was very cool.

He has a fun name.

Yeah, it is fun to say, abysmal is fun to say, but his skeleton hand was dope in my opinion.

Skeleton hands are dope in general I have found.

Yeah, we all love skeletal hands.

Young, young me was like, are you telling me that this guy has a fucking skeleton?

A spooky yells in hand.

Yeah, yeah, Trying to imagine young Mario instead of being mad and saying God damn it, being excited and being like.

Fuck yeah.

Where on earth is Carmen San Diego premiered?

I don't remember this.

I don't remember this show at all.

Where in space is Carmen San Diego?

Where in the universe is called?

I remember.

Where in time when she time traveled but I don't remember the on earth that one.

That one I don't get because I don't know the difference is between where on earth and where in the world.

Yeah, is there any functional difference like?

The last ones where in prison is Carmen San Diego after they finally caught her.

And then Mt VS Trash premiered, hosted by disgraced shithead Chris Hardwick.

We were blighted by the existence of Chris Hardwick for so long.

Has he finally gone away?

I have like.

I think he's gone.

I think he's ever.

Since talking dead it, it was like he I just kept seeing him everywhere and then something Yeah, I remember he got.

Out out there being a fucking shit piece.

Of shit, yeah.

Yeah, piece of shit.

I think he's gone.

I think we're finally free of his horrible God.

His unfunny fucking bullshit.

Jesus Christ.

Shows that ended this is kind of tragic because we've talked about both of these Saved by the Bell, the college years, which you may remember we discussed in The Girl Who Cried Monster.

I believe that's a premiere.

Alas, RIP and piece and bonkers, which it feels like we just talked about it was looks.

Like we've always been talking about bonkers.

I'm I'm always thinking about bonkers.

A last Bonkers was cancelled, however it of course would come back on Toon Disney, which is where I actually watched it.

Video games.

Boy I think shit was bad in this month too.

Art of Fighting 2 came out in the arcades.

That one's not not bad.

That one's.

I mean, I think it's considered a lesser Art of Fighting, but I.

Haven't played that one.

I think that's the one where the villain is like a fucking monster mash, like a giant man on steroids.

I think so.

It's a weird.

10 Is it like a belt scroller like?

Yeah, that may be Art of Fighting three if it exists.

I don't remember Art of Fighting I'm not an expert on, so someone can correct me I guess.

Oh, it's.

In it's following the Fatal Fury series.

Art of Fighting is actually a prequel to oh I don't know, sorry.

The monster mash is an Art of Fighting three.

I'm guessing Art of Fighting 2.

The villain is still Mr.

Big.

Reading them quickly about it now.

Yeah.

SNK.

Okay, okay, Art of fighting Art of fighting 2 has the secret boss of young Geese Howard.

OK, OK, never mind.

I do know which one it is.

Sick.

No, it's pretty dope.

It's pretty dope.

Yeah.

So artifying is a is a prequel to Fatal fury.

They don't directly follow one another or anything like that, but the the geese Howard appearance makes it clear they're related.

Cool Spot got released in Europe and on the Mega Drive, I think we talked about Cool Spot, but if we didn't, it's Cool Spot.

It's.

Cool spot.

Even if we didn't talk about it, I have lived it.

If we didn't talk about it, I don't.

I don't know why cool spot was so ubiquitous.

I don't.

I don't.

But it like it was in every blockbuster.

Everybody saw it.

It was in every issue of Game Fan magazine.

You can't get away from it.

She never got my Tensei release in the Sega CD.

Romances of the Three Kingdoms 4 came out there.

Are you on four of those?

Mega Man soccer for the Famicom.

What's up?

I rented that on this nest.

Madden 94.

Oh, thank Christ.

Final Fantasy 1 and 2 bundle released.

Madden 94 was the last one wasn't.

It Madden 94, they never it was true.

You know what, it's interesting.

And they killed Madden off at the end of that one.

Yeah.

I'm going to throw a question out there.

Yeah.

What is the first Final Fantasy game that I should play like?

Which one of all of the Final Fantasy games?

Where should I start?

Like are you saying you specifically want a very old one 'cause I feel like the old one that everyone really likes is 6.

But I don't know that.

I mean, I'm not an expert.

Brandon is more than I do on the.

I mean 6 is good, but I I wouldn't consider it to be a.

Well, I guess it is very old now.

I mean of of the of the pre 3D.

One, you know what I mean, 4 is cool.

A4.

Yeah, there's the three remake on the DS, but I would say like, I actually, I tried really hard to play that one, but I had to put it down.

The the like randomized battles are too constant and like it's so grindy.

Oh, really?

I mean, if you're going from a historical perspective, you could play any of them, even the first one.

OK.

So I'm hearing four and six those are.

Probably I do six.

Yeah, 6 is good.

Yeah, 'cause I I saw there was, there were a bunch of those on Steam.

Yeah, there are.

I've yeah.

So the the remasteries or whatever.

I've been known to grind every now and then, you know, I on the side, I, I'm known to grind, you know.

Listen.

My flashlight.

Why is your flashlight?

Flashlight I just left my phone up.

My flashlight is what the fuck here is the last one and this one.

This one pissed me off because the video game wiki that I had did first of all doesn't have specific dates for a bunch of these games, which is a little bit of a fuck you.

But also it does not sort by month.

It just sorts by alpha alphabet and that drive me crazy.

But Sonic 3 came out.

This month, My God, dude.

And they didn't have it.

They didn't mention it didn't.

Mention it that's.

How do you not mention the most important one on this fucking list?

You want to know something fucked up?

What's that?

I've never fully played Sonic 3.

What about Sonic 3 and Knuckles?

Yes, I have played Sonic 3 and Knuckle.

I have played Sonic and Knuckles.

I've played Sonic 1, Sonic 2.

I for some reason my parents refused to get me Sonic 3 and because of that I never have gone back and played.

Even though I've got the Sonic, the new the Sonic collection that came out, I have never taken the time to just like, play it all the way through.

You know people in the know call Sonic and Knuckles 3 suckles for short.

It's.

True I I I I'm so sorry to out myself as not a real Sonic.

That's OK, I haven't played Sonic 3 either.

Speaking of outing yourself, did you know I just looked it up?

There's an app for people that want to find what old Final Fantasy game they should play.

What?

It's called Grinder.

Oh yeah, OK.

I I hate myself.

For thinking that you were serious for like a.

Split.

So that's a great, that's a good joke.

You could broaden it to any old RPG, but yeah, yeah.

I did want to say if if you're over, if you're done, Mario.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'm done.

Yes, that was it.

All history is done.

No more.

We, the You Can't Scare Me crew, met in real life recently.

We did.

We all IRL.

We we had a great time IRL y'all.

We all went to an arcade and we had a lot of fun.

Brandon kicked my ass at Marvel Versus Capcom 2.

That's normal.

That's that's to be expected.

I've been training on the stick for some time and I also played arcade games.

Yeah, we we played pinball, and probably my favorite was playing with Mario House of the Dead.

What was it 3?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kind of fucking love House of the Dead.

House of the Dead rules.

House of.

The Dead.

Oh my God, that reminds me of when, yeah, one of the reasons we got a Dreamcast back in the day was for House of the Dead 2.

My dad got a light gun with it, and I've had so much fucking fun.

It was such a good game.

I played through it like multiple times and then one day I came downstairs and my little brother out of frustration.

He did this with Soul Calibur as well.

He snapped the disc in.

Half.

Wow.

Wow.

Because he was jealous of us paying attention to the game and he want he wanted us to.

He wanted me to play with him so.

I told you that.

I'm sure I've told that my dog peeing on my Dreamcast story in this podcast before.

And I feel like if you did, I would have remembered that.

Well I had to buy 3 dreamcasts because my dog loved to pee on them.

I can't explain.

I don't know, she never peed in the house ever ever.

But what the like literally night one of having the Dreamcast in my bedroom, she opened my bedroom door came in and peed directly on it and and I was like well this is ruined.

So we had we had to take it back and be like it doesn't work for Sony.

I don't know.

We were like, it doesn't work.

Going to get a new a new Dreamcast, right?

So new dream.

She hated Big the cat.

But here is what's wild too.

The Dreamcast contained my copy of MVC 2, so every time I would spin up NBC2 it would smell like pee.

And of course I'd leave it running all night because of the training mode thing.

So like very powerful pee stuff going.

This game strong piss game.

But yeah, so I got a second one.

I literally got a second one.

Put it in my room next night.

What the fuck?

Next night she comes back in.

A Pee Mario?

You're not telling telling us a story.

You're telling us a mystery.

It is truly a mystery.

What is what?

Yeah.

What?

I don't know what it was.

I don't know what it was.

I thought my story about my younger brother like not my other brother, My youngest brother getting the GameCube and then putting an entire hot dog that was.

Completely.

Covered in ketchup into the GameCube.

For some reason I thought that was a fun story.

You wanted to play the hot.

Dog I want to.

Play hot dog.

I want to play hot dog I.

Want to play hot dog?

I don't.

I'm done with cool spot.

I want to play hot dog.

I thought that was a cool story, but no, you've got dog piss mystery.

It's a.

Really weird, I cannot explain it.

I it's, I think after that was when I began like closing my door to my bedroom.

Good idea.

Like I think it wasn't because I was a rebellious.

He was like, because I was protecting my Dreamcast from my dog.

Oh.

My God, what the fuck?

All right.

Well, I guess thank you for giving us a lifelong curiosity to to ponder.

Hey, Brandon.

Yeah, it says here a covert discussion.

That's right, Bob.

This is judging a book by its cover.

The part of the podcast where we do what they say we should not do.

You can't scare me and you can't tell me what to do.

It's true.

We can put over the The Price Is Right music or whatever.

So if you look in the packet I sent you, there's a number of images.

The first of these is the original Tim Jack Jacobus cover with its teal text and goo on a light purple background.

I love this.

I love this pairing.

The central image depicts a sign reading Welcome to Horrorland, where nightmares come to life.

Hanging off the back of the sign is a giant green Hornet monster with right red eyes, his claws digging into the face of the sign.

To the left is a spooky tree bare of leaves, and the ground beneath the sign is cracked concrete, with shrubs growing up from beneath.

In the distant background, you can see the outline of a Ferris wheel, circus tents, and the lattice of a wooden coaster framed against the receding sunset, all beneath a darkening blue sky.

The flavor text reads Enter if you dare.

We all like it.

It's nice.

I can.

Very it's appropriate, as it evokes cotton candy to make it.

Does it does so I just I only realized after reading the book that this cover is is the the big monster head that comes down the car in the beginning of the film.

The film.

It's it's not I, I, I realize now that it is not meant to be an actual horror.

It is a constructed decoration of one.

It is an imitation of one.

Also, I have this on both a blanket that I bought myself and AT shirt that I was given.

I this this cover is wonderful.

Yeah, it's.

Very incredible.

Also, Jacobus has a really cool way of drawing trees.

Yeah, like the the sort of like barren winter tree that kind of looks like just an update upside down lightning bolt that just has a bunch of like a little little lines that are going off in all different places.

It's nice like.

A Folger like an upside down Folger.

You, Brandon, put in the original sketch.

No.

There's a sketch for what the what the cover was going originally to look like.

I'll put it in the chat for the sake of.

This is just like oh.

OK.

There was another sketch that ended up as the Vietnamese cover, so I thought that that was also for the Vietnamese cover.

I don't.

It was for Jacobus.

That's the Jacobus.

That's the Jacobus one.

Yeah, yeah, it looks like he did a couple.

You want to describe it.

It's, I mean, it's, it's the, it's the gates of Horrorland, but the gates are a giant horror mouth and they're very, very in like the, the, the actual bars of the gate would be the teeth of the horror land of the, of the horror and then it leading into the amusement park background from the original cover.

I don't think it's as good as the original cover or the actual cover.

I, I, I, I think the cover is better.

I agree.

I think that I I like the idea of it and the composition, but I think like Goosebumps wants characters and so you've got to see the monster.

I think, I think the, I do like the ominousness of the gate and the lightning and the, there's lightning in the background and all of that.

I think it's very ominous and spooky.

But I think that the final cover has better matches the tone of the story actually.

Like it's a little cheeky 'cause he's doing, the monster is doing a little Ziggy maneuver.

You know what I mean?

It's it's a little cute.

Yeah, I like the way that the the theme park is like in the distance, framed against the dying sunset.

I think it makes it look like kind of cool and ominous.

Yeah, I agree.

It's a it's, I think that's a really cool color palette.

He's using that.

That gradient is very good.

Also in the sketch are there are those graves?

Or are there?

Porta.

Potties.

Maybe.

Oh that would be an amazing aesthetic.

If they if all their porta potties in Horrorland were shaped like tombstones, that'd be great.

Missed opportunity there.

RL truly next.

Oh fuck the fuck the UK, the UK.

I'm going to do the entire thing in the posh.

This cover is giving extreme.

Cover.

Here's cover.

The typical Yukai cover goo background is back again, this time green with purple spots.

In the middle is a rather doofy looking stone gargoyle head.

This asshole this.

This is the Waterman or water gooman with a wide gap tooth and protruding tongue.

Wide gap toothed grin.

I should say the overall effect is very goofy.

I don't know how else to describe it.

A goofy gargoyle?

A fun time gargoyle.

Yeah, not a scary gargoyle.

Very strange.

This looks like they literally took a photo of a gargoyle.

Is this what's like?

I can I do believe it is drawn, but it looks like a.

Photo of a gargoyle.

Of a friendly Disney esque gargoyle.

UK what are you doing?

Yeah, what is this?

What's going on in the UCK?

Yeah.

16 deep in this and you're still doing this?

Fucking goofy.

I mean goo, the purple and green goo I think is one of the better goo colorings.

I will, I'll give him that.

I mean, it's better than like white and.

Yeah, the font is bad though the black and red font is terrible it.

Looks very bad, yeah.

What we can only say of the UK covers is that they don't know.

The French cover chair de pool in La Parque de Laure features in the foreground or in the foreground at the bottom of the page, the outline of a theme park over which a Godzilla sized green ape monster loom.

It's fucking, it's fucking a muzzy.

It's fucking.

It's muzzy.

It's Muzzy.

He teaches French.

He teaches French.

It's Muzzy.

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Yeah, that ones for all you 90s kids out there.

Yeah, yeah, you would be misled by this cover.

I kind of like it.

I kind of, I don't like, I don't like the bottom part, but I do kind of like the horror.

You know, the, the fun thing about the, the French covers is that I just like the, the, at least it's not the UK cover.

Like, I mean like the, the sort of rainbow aesthetic around and then just the dark black in the middle of it.

It's really, it really kind of punches through.

It's, it's, it's kind of a nice aesthetic the the contents of it, however.

Yeah, I mean, I think the monster's face looks pretty good actually, but I like it looks.

Like a fucking what?

Were those creatures from Animorphs?

It's a hork bajar.

Yeah, it's a hork bajar.

Yeah, it's like a vaguely, I don't.

Want to look at it anymore?

Like a combination of a man, a horse and a ape.

It's the body's kind of got the Twilight Zone teddy bear thing going on.

I'm sorry I skipped.

That yeah.

OK, OK.

Moving on to the duck cover.

This cover bucks this cover.

This.

Cover fucking goes, man.

Yeah, my God.

For For Kippevel, simply titled Horrorland, it depicts 2 withered, rubbery looking children, one boy and one girl, laughing in and looking towards the viewer.

They're as scary as the horror is.

They're they're way scarier behind the sign reading Welcome to Horrorland fills up most of the frame, hanging off the back of which is a spiky scorpion lizard monster, green, I should say, with a spike spike dot ball for a tail end and many claws.

It has red reptilian slit eyes and it's a little bit like what Muzzy would turn into if you kept watching that series.

It's sort of Chupacabra esque, yeah.

Yeah, it looks nice.

So the hateful expression of the kids works against the spookiness of the cover.

They are terrifying.

This is this is traumatizing.

If I were a child and I saw this, I wouldn't sleep for a fucking week.

Are they supposed to be screaming?

I.

Think they're?

Laughing.

They're laughing.

They're having a good time.

They don't know.

They don't know that this giant thing is about to come up in there and fucking eat back their heads.

Also a great job whoever drew this.

Great job not reading the fucking book.

Yeah, what is?

What is this thing?

Well, not only that, but there there are as the person who has the 1st 8 chapters.

Yeah.

I have read at least three times the descriptions of these.

Characters.

And they have straight black hair and they are described as being pale and tall.

Also, they're not the same.

Age, and they're not described as being made of rubber.

This is true.

This is.

True.

This is true.

The next cover, The excellent Korean cover.

Korea just does it.

You guys do it good.

I love this guy.

As usual, it is heavily stylized and mostly cool colors, except for the OK.

The whole frame is canted about 15° counterclockwise.

There's a classy green gremlin front and center, occupying about 1/3 of the frame with a wide grin.

He has striped black and white horns and big yellow eyes.

His front claw is beckoning like a monarchy neko.

Behind him, the outline of the theme park is visible with the Ferris wheel towers and the guillotine.

The Ferris wheel has a big evil eye motif at its center.

At the ground level behind the Gremlin is a crowd of various illustrated monsters, including one that looks a bit like Brac.

Yeah, I see him, yes.

Yeah, this cover rules.

It evokes like Psychonauts style to me in a little.

Bit a little bit.

A little bit, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially the characters in the background like the the the kind of like heavily stylized.

Look, yeah, this is cool, yeah.

Yeah, it is.

So is the monster, does it have its hand open toward the viewer or is it like, because that looks like a thumb.

I was going to ask because is it Korea that the, I know it's Japan, but is it Korea too that does the beckoning like the like the cat, like sort of like like paw, like sort of like batting?

Something I.

Don't know how to.

Describe that I I don't actually know.

I know like for like in the West, we beckon with our with our hand like upturned and like the the monarchy neko with its beckons by like waving its fingers down basically or its paw down.

And from this, it looks like he's doing that too.

I I don't know if that's a like an all of Asia thing or just a Japanese thing, but I'm guessing from this, either that or he's going like, oh girl.

I can confirm Google.

Google tells me they do use the same hand gesture.

OK, so.

So he's beckoning.

He's like, come on in, buddy.

I love that.

I love that.

This cover rule.

Fully into it.

Yeah, fully into it.

Yeah, it's so messy.

I love that messy, that messiness.

I love that.

I love that messy, that messy.

This this cover gives good messy.

It's just a bunch of messy bitches up and up to the car.

The Vietnamese cover is next, and this is the last cover.

The vast majority of them use the Tim Jacobus cover, so the Vietnamese cover depicts an overturned bike lit by car headlights with a single empty shoe in the foreground.

Behind the bike looms the outline of the theme park, roller coaster, and Ferris wheel framed against the setting sun.

I think the colors are nice, the composition's fine, but it's not really giving me, Yeah, You know, horror or no, no, yeah.

It's ominous, but.

Yeah, it's ominous, but it's more like mystery book, you know, that's the kind of vibe that's that's good.

It does not evoke a monster.

Part No, no, no monsters.

If it's got monsters in it, you gotta have monsters.

Is that a Converse shoe?

It looks like it, yeah.

I was gonna say, like these covers, you need to get one thing right.

It's the Converse shoes.

The classic.

Goosebumps.

Cover has a big at front and center.

OK, this this depicts the monster at the ice cream stand.

And he's got a very he looks like new Ghostbusters, if you know what I mean.

Kind of a bulbous, anonymous green thing.

He's sort of ripped.

He's present his, his, he's green all over except for purple.

Hands up from his elbows to his fingers, he's holding up for you, the viewer.

A a popsicle that looks like a bat that's black.

He's under an umbrella.

I like that.

Yeah, it's dripping like activated charcoal or.

Something yeah.

And then behind him you can see the outline of the theme park rides and roller coaster in purple.

It's not the worst cover.

There's definitely worst classic Goosebumps covers although.

Yeah.

It's pretty accurate to the descriptions of the monsters in the book.

It is.

It is.

Except he's ripped and also he looks like he's a ghost.

Is he floating?

Yeah, no.

No, that's his tail.

It's like Slimer energy.

I don't know why.

There's also on the on the ice cream stand, there appears to be a hot dog with arms and legs.

Yeah, it's like a cockroach hot dog.

Yeah, Beetle hot dog.

Look at the skull in the background, the bottom left.

That's pretty good.

That's fucking.

Cool the Doctor Wiley's castle.

I do like that.

I do like that this is OK.

Yeah, the color, the color actually is not.

I like the purple with the yellow and then the green really kind of pops on top of it.

Yeah.

I think this may actually be the best of the classic Goosebumps covers.

Yeah, it's no Jacobus, but it it'll do.

Yeah, the offensive font remains there's.

Yep.

It's red though.

5 fonts on this.

It's so evil.

Why would they do this?

Because they hate children.

They hate.

Eyes.

They want your eyes to burn out of your skull.

That's true.

Moving on to OK, so there were not many covers, but there was a lot of stuff for one day at Horrorland.

I love stuff.

So first we've got we've got a board game.

There was a Horrorland board game.

This will depict the the monster guy from one day at Horrorland that will appear as the mascot.

He is a green goblin be horned with a very prominent brow and exposed fangs.

He is wearing a a what?

What did you call this?

What's the appropriate term for this garment?

A muscle shirt.

Yeah, it's a muscle shirt.

Yeah, muscle.

Shirt.

Is it a wife beater?

Wife beaters?

No.

He's got his sleeves rolled up.

He's.

Got his sleeves rolled up.

Because he's, because he's so fucking.

Ripped.

Yeah, he he looks like he he would be a fighting game character in the 90s.

Yeah, he does these.

Guys are ripped.

What the hell?

Yeah, and this is supposed to be Tim Jacobus, I think, because, like, he wore clothes like this.

He's got torn jeans.

That's Tim Jacobus if he was a.

Monster.

Yeah, yeah, I could see that.

Also a shout out to the Doom slide in the background.

Yeah, so, so I don't know if you if you saw a picture of this actual board game, Brandon, but I saw a video of someone assembling it and yeah, so it's like kind of a mousetrappy kind of thing where.

I think the next picture is part of.

It do what?

The next picture is part of it.

No, no, it's not.

The next picture is not really the microverse thing.

That's a different thing.

Entirely.

Oh yeah, yeah, it does look like that.

Here it is.

Whoa.

Like it's not actually mousetrap in the sense that you don't actually get, there's not like an apparatus, but you do get to build all the rides.

That doom slide fucking sucks.

That's not even that much doom.

You do.

You do have a pretty steep fucking fall at one part in that slide.

Yeah, maybe you're.

Dead.

Yeah, yeah.

It's, it's, you know it, they, they tried their best.

That's.

The that's the thing that's more elaborate than you'd have to make for board game.

At least they tried.

Yeah.

They did do more than you'd have to, that's true.

So after this is like one of those like, I guess like Polly Pocket, Yeah, kind of.

Mighty Max, Yeah.

Mighty Max Things where it was a big plastic box full of little intricate plastic bits that you would open up little sections and.

And then lose all of immediately.

Yeah, they would be.

They would have lots of little parts that would disappear forever that you would step on or dogs would eat.

Your dog would come into the room, you would look away and then suddenly half of them are gone.

Yeah, yeah, filling, filling our pets with microplastics.

And our children.

Are macro plastics, Yeah.

That's a macro plastic situation.

Macro plastic.

The next is a Goosebumps lunch box.

Not a lot.

Oh my God, that thermos that.

Thermos.

Is the best part.

Dude, that's a curly right there.

That's a fucking curly.

I think I had this lunch box.

Dude wait, did I too?

I remember these eyes very.

Specifically too, I don't think it was, I don't think it was Horrorland.

It might have been been a different book.

Maybe I don't remember this thermos, but this lunch box looks really familiar.

Dude I will, I legitimately would pay money for that thermos.

Those eyes are definitely.

They probably reused those on several other Goosebumps lunch boxes.

Probably.

I mean, you can, you can clearly see that it's like kind of a, a, like it's an art art element where they're taking the, the like sort of center part and then they're just slapping on whatever art in the middle of.

It yeah, it's it's just the cover with a bunch of orange eyes over it, but there is a curly thermos and that.

Is that is so fucking sick.

Also it looks like this glows in the dark.

If that green is, you know how that kind of glow in the dark?

Green looks.

Yeah.

In case you are having a school lunch in the dark.

Hey, it happens.

It's true sometimes.

So next we've got a Goosebumps electronic pinball game with the Gremlin for one day at Horrorland.

Looking back at you.

He's having a good time.

Yeah, it's big, it's purple, it's long.

This looks pretty elaborate.

I.

Guarantee it's not.

No, it definitely isn't, but.

Oh man, so many handheld games.

There is a Tiger Electronics style crappy LCD game that no one enjoyed.

I don't know how you play it.

I'm.

No one enjoyed these?

Yeah.

Basically, the thing that you know, they tried to tell you was the same as a Game Boy, but it was not a fucking Game Boy.

Yep, absolute trash.

I have no idea how you play this either.

There's like no buttons visible, probably on the back or on the sides.

Even worse, next we've got a.

Oh, you know what?

Sorry to bring it back, but the that actually looks like it was one of those this game was made for one of those like machines that you would plug it into.

Oh God.

So it was, I forget what they what that was, but it was basically like, this isn't the game itself.

It's like a cartridge quote UN quote.

Oh.

So literally like someone trying to make a Game Boy type situation with.

Cartridge dog shit.

But like.

Ass.

Like, complete, utter ass.

Oh.

My God.

Why would you even want that?

You didn't even like getting them.

There's a toy of the activated charcoal fucking ice cream.

Yeah, yeah.

So there's a little, little figurine.

It's it's the guy.

It's our guy.

And he's holding a a black ice cream cone.

That's pretty cool.

And he's got a little stand.

Why is there so much merch?

I'll.

Tell you why there's so much merch, Bob.

It's because, according to fans in, or at least in 2015, Scholastic held a poll for what the favorite of the original series like the People's Favorites was.

What One Day in Horrorland was voted the favorite of the original series of Goosebumps.

What?

Yep.

That makes sense.

Does.

It.

So that's that's that's why there's much much of it, I bet because it was probably astoundingly popular.

OK, I don't remember that at all, but.

I don't remember.

Yeah.

None of this is like gelling with me.

I I don't know.

I, I don't know.

I mean, I get it, Don't get me wrong.

Like it definitely like we'll get to it, but.

Like, when I was a kid, I remembered everyone talking about haunted Man.

Yeah, it was fun.

But apparently, apparently everybody was like, very up on horror land.

I don't know like.

I get why.

I mean, it's cuz like, yeah, Horrorland has got a bunch of stuff in it.

It's marketable.

It's true.

It's very.

Marketable.

It's definitely the one Goosebumps book we've read that really gets up and goes.

Yeah, that's true.

And also got a game there was like a push for.

It it had, again, I mean, I feel like we can't really talk about the game conceptually until after the story is heard, but it had the fucking actual video game.

The first video game made by DreamWorks, starring Jeff Goldblum.

Yeah, that's wild to me.

I just, I just grew up.

Yeah.

It was like what Mario said, like it was a haunted mask for, for, for me.

And like, I just, I've never I've this is my first time seeing all this stuff.

Yeah.

It's my first time reading One Day at Horrorland too.

I don't remember any of this shit.

Oh, and this might explain it, for on the next image Brandon has provided, it's a scary stamper with the One Day at Horrorland thing, but on the bottom left you can see watch Goosebumps on Fox Kids Network.

That's probably part of it.

There was an awful lot around this like that.

The TV episode had the Backstreet Boys presenting it and.

Yeah, true.

I mean, yeah, they they did do a lot for this TV episode.

Yeah, yeah, maybe, maybe.

But you skipped the pen.

Yeah, so that there's.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm several writing the.

Gruesome pen There's the gruesome pen, which is a green pen with the guy behind the sign on it next.

To wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yeah.

What ink?

Black ink.

Thank God.

OK.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

And you know it wrote, you know it wrote approximately 2 times, Yeah.

Well, I don't understand.

Yeah, exactly.

But also, I don't know why do you have to say it writes like.

That's the standard, that's the the.

Fucking it's because it's a green color.

It says green.

Color writes in green ink.

I want my kids to be able to sign their blank check.

Yep.

Nice call, bag.

There you go.

Hey, we're figuring out this podcasting thing.

We're getting there.

So we've got multiple other writing utensils.

We've got a gruesome pen, then a scary stamper that has the same motif.

I don't whatever.

That's my guess is that it's so that you can stamp the front of Welcome to Horror Land on other people's books.

Very useful.

It's something we all wanted as kids.

The next one is the Spooky Sharpener and the Ravenous Pencil sharpener.

There were two different sharpeners with different designs.

Pencil sharpeners.

Oh my God.

Why the second one's only $0.50?

Well, their price was $1.20.

Oh.

Well, yeah, wait a minute, hold on a minute, $0.50 our price, our price triple.

299 and then under it.

1:20 and then $0.50.

I guess they were having a hard time selling the ravenous pencil sharpener.

I don't know man, that's so weird.

Next is the goosebumps right on time alarm clock with the the guy.

He's ripped still, but now he's like looking, he's looking off to the side like he like what the fuck was that?

And his Oh my God heart that says #16 tattooed red heart on.

His own Oh.

That's cute.

That's cute.

Oh, and the design inside the clock is his lower torso.

Yeah, I just realize.

It's coming up.

Out he's he's busting out of the clock.

Or no, he's like, he's like reacting in fear from the alarm, I guess.

I guess maybe.

He's like, yeah, maybe Boo hiss, get away and then.

Or he's scared of what you do in your sleep.

This fucking expression is extremely that edited photo of Germa fucking like when he's got his mouth wide.

Hold on, I'll fucking show it.

He looks like he looks like Jeff the Killer a little bit.

Oh, yeah.

OK, OK, all right, listen.

He looks.

He's he.

I think he's meant to be like a guy who got turned into a monster because like, his feet.

Are broke is.

That how monsters are made in this I.

Don't know that's true.

Know what this is?

Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Actually, actually, wait a minute.

At the end of the video game, if you get the bad ending, your parents turn into monsters.

Ohh so maybe there is something to that.

It's Brandon, right?

Spirited.

War, yeah, OK.

Maybe, maybe Brandon on to something.

Yeah, maybe they figured out the lore in the middle of merchandising, Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause like if you look at this guy here, his like feet have grown through shoes.

Yeah, they have.

They have.

And his he was wearing jeans and they ripped so.

If you saw this floor at a bar, you know what I mean.

Like you'd be like, ah, no, I get it.

No.

And.

That's funny because I imagine he was a greaser before he got turned into a.

Monster a little bit.

He's got a little got a little kind of greaser vibes to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like he's giving.

He's giving James Dean, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sleeves.

Rolled traditionally like he's getting 50s greaser guy OK, but in 2024 it's a different.

Vibe.

You can see the full illustration of him on the next image.

On the next one which is the back.

Of the alarm clock box, this one.

This has the full illustration.

Also, it features a pleasant wake up sound.

Don't be alarmed, but that's the point of your product.

It's an alarm clock.

There's also a rabbit holding an invisible small object.

Yeah.

What is that?

I don't know what that is.

I'm guessing that's might be Zeon.

It might be the people who made it.

And no, no, no, no, no.

I think the horror is reacting to that rabbit.

Oh, it's pinching.

It's pinching.

It's pinching.

It's.

Pinching.

Yeah.

The horror is recoiling because the rabbit is making a pinching motion.

Why is the rabbit?

There, that's a lot.

What?

Is the rabbit.

What is the rabbit for?

Rabbits not only have consciousness in this universe, but also they pinch, and they know that monsters will die if they get pinched.

What the fuck is the story we're telling?

See, this is what I'm talking about.

It's telling a whole story.

Like, there's so much lore that we've found.

Wow, next quote UN quote Beep beep beep.

Beep.

OK, all right.

The next next is this is a pinch the horror.

What the fuck is this a grabbing claw?

Yeah.

It's a claw grabbing game.

It's a claw game.

It's like a.

And you got to pinch the horror.

Well, they really went to the pinching thing.

Yeah, Yeah.

That's also a thing I didn't remember from this universe, but I guess it was a thing, yeah.

There's a shirt next with two skeletons and a coffin.

Roller coaster ride.

Yeah, it's kind of sick.

It's kind of sick.

I I sort of wish that the Gremlin monster man was.

Wasn't so aggressively trying to be scary.

Yeah, he's like, he's really churna boggy in this one.

Yeah, I wish he was back to being.

I wish it was this cover, but with the old James Deanie.

Yeah, like, yeah, someone take this buff.

Buff rolled.

Sleeves give him, give him a fucking.

Yeah, just like a a cut off white shirt or like.

A rolled shirt?

Yeah, Yeah.

I'm being a menace.

I'm being.

Menace this.

Extremely reminds me of Which Ghostbusters monster was it?

Was it the first one?

Or oh, are you thinking the dogs and.

The dogs.

Like the statues?

That it's got a bit of that the.

Key the Was it the?

The gatekeeper.

Yeah, yeah, the demon dogs also a little bit of like Crayed from Metroid and.

I here is the thing, if you took off the Goosebumps logos, it could be a Descherizone shirt.

Yeah, in a major way.

Oh, it's a coffin.

I didn't.

Notice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the little, it's our.

Yeah, the little coaster is a coffin.

With door knockers on it, that's pretty.

Good.

The Spinny The Spinny ride is a bunch of skeletal hands holding some coffins.

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, I love that the skeletons are having fun.

Yes, that's that's.

I just like seeing skeletons having fun.

They rarely get to have fun, you know.

I love that I.

Love that for them.

And with the end of that is the end of the images.

The image cycle is complete and now.

More images forever.

close your eyes for the rest of time.

Are you driving?

Close your eyes right now.

Are you driving?

Close your eyes and imagine this buff horror.

And by the way, if you're listening to this podcast in a cyber truck right now, your entire windshield is bam right now.

Is the picture of German.

You can't see through it?

Yep, Nope, Yep.

It's gonna be like that for 30 seconds.

I was able to do that.

I was able to back door into your cyber truck.

All righty.

And with that let's go ahead and move on to chapter summary discussions.

And as I said before I have the 1st 8 chapters.

So without further ado chapter one, One day at Horrorland opens with a flash forward telling us everyone is going to die.

Quote.

As we entered the gates to Horrorland, we had no idea that in just a few hours we would be all lying in our coffins.

Oh, hold on, I gotta get my notes.

My.

Answer gone.

Well, I've got a note for this.

Cool cool.

This is already a better book than the last one.

This is Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

All right.

I'm going to be right back.

I'll be right back.

That that is an interesting question.

I wonder if this book is beloved so much because the previous book was just so dog shit garbage.

Or it's just one of those things where like, maybe it was really beloved in every other place but the middle of the country.

I don't know.

Because like, I remember this book.

I don't remember if I read it even as a kid, but like, I don't remember.

Anything about it?

Yeah.

OK, sorry.

I just, I really want Goosebumps Heads.

If you remember when Goosebumps was actually like happening, do you remember if Horrorland took off as a book or was it because of the TV show?

Like, did the TV show the show bring readers to Horrorland and then that kind of helped its reputation or I'll.

Say this to you.

I'll say this, Bob.

The video game did come before the TV show by a whole year.

Interesting.

Maybe it's, I don't know.

It's not like I'm like, Oh my God, people have different tastes than me.

How could this be?

Like, I'm not trying to do that.

I'm just like, I'm still remember this.

Yeah, I'm the same way.

I legitimately do not remember.

Anyway, meet Lizzie, a calm child of unknown age who is calm because she says she's calm because everyone says she's calm.

Which just makes me wonder what kind of shit she's had to deal with to make people come up to her unprompted and say you're awfully calm.

They call me calm Lizzie.

That's what they call me.

Lizzie takes time from her unironically amazing staycation lying in a coffin to paint us a mental picture of the beginning of their trip where her little brother Luke, Luke's unfortunate friend Clay, and her unnamed and hurtling toward divorce, mother and father are all piled in the family's Toyota trademark Toyota trying to find a store brand Kings Dominion called Zoo Gardens.

So.

I think it's I think this is a Busch Gardens reference.

I I was going to say that, but I felt that that was a little bit too on the nose.

Also, let's be real, Kings Dominion is much better than Busch Gardens.

I'm just fucking rebel yell.

Are you kidding me?

Anyway, that's for that's for Kings Dominion heads.

Too bad mom and dad are idiots and didn't pack the map and also didn't immediately turn around to go back and get the map and instead drove for presumably hundreds of miles without any clue where they're going into what is described as a barren desert with no signs anywhere.

Insight Lizzie complaints about being in the back seat between Luke and Clay who are described as wrestling with each other at one point.

At one point at one poont, Luke starts pinching Clay.

Please make mental note of this now.

Dad yells at the kids to quote UN quote chill out and stress fractures begin to appear in Lizzie's likability when she tells her father that no one says chill out anymore but seeing as she is a child she is allowed to be both wrong and stupid.

Lizzie then describes her father as a fat wrestler with a round face and thinning blonde hair, and the rest of the family as tall, pale, and having thin black hair also.

So Dad's a banker.

This information will not matter at all, so please take a moment to shunt it from your brain.

All good, OK?

More words happen until Dad pulls the car over to the side of the road to look for the map in the glove compartment.

Then suddenly a monster attacks from the sunroof.

Gasp.

Gasp.

Questions, Comments.

Concerns about Chapter 1?

I'm concerned about the wrestler Dad.

Yeah, I hope he does OK.

You might think it matters that he looks nothing like his family, but it does not.

No I thought this same thing but it seems to be.

If anything it just seems to be a slight nod that maybe the kids are from a a a different marriage maybe?

There's some stepchildren I would like to say right here and now that Luke, Luke is officially a fucking fariq.

That kids a fucking fariq.

I truly did think that.

It's true.

It's honestly, earnestly, truthfully Luke.

What the?

Fuck, he is referred to as a total ghoul.

Yes.

Yes.

Not a cool ghoul who is everybody's power, no.

No, a total ghoul.

All right, Chapter 2.

Despite being the calm one.

I'm sorry.

Despite being the calm one, Lizzie has lost her mind and confused A roadside animatronic billboard for a real, alive monster.

But we should cut her some slack, considering this gigantic, detailed moving sign in the middle of what has been repeatedly described as a barren desert went completely unnoticed by her parents, who parked directly beneath it.

No wonder they're lost.

It turns out the sign is for a park called Horrorland, which we can all agree sounds fucking incredible.

That's not dope.

It's a fucking, I mean, we're going there.

The kids all go ape shit, demanding horrorland with Luke kicking and pulling his dad's seat.

This is why he'll never be the calm one.

The parents acquiesce, and after a paragraph break, the car arrives at the front gate to Horrorland.

The crew unloads and makes their way to the front of the park.

Dad notices the parking lot is nearly empty, and Mom doesn't get a sign that reads the Horrorland Horrors.

Welcome you to Horrorland adults, am I right?

Anyways, that's when the car just fucking explodes.

It's true.

It's real.

If you were worried about this book not being like good to read or thought maybe there was a chance it was just going to be like the last one, Nah man, the car fucking explodes.

It really explodes.

Yeah, the car is gone.

The car is like I talk about it at the beginning of my next chapter, but it's it's legit.

The the, the, the TV show, by the way, the whole time we were Oh my God, blow the car up.

And then they we'll talk about it.

They did not have the budget.

No, they did not.

We were the whole time we were waiting like and now is the part of the car explodes, right And then they have a car explodes, right, right, right, right.

Right.

Right now.

Now it's.

You know, I got a hand.

It does feel a bit like RL Stein.

If I can, if you, my vision for how this book was written is like RL Stein finished the last chapter if you can't scare me and then kept writing like directly after that.

And like, maybe in his mind he had just reached the halfway point of one extremely long novel, right?

Like maybe he's not writing for plot.

Maybe RL Stein doesn't have plot in his mind when he's writing.

He's just putting, you know, letters in order on paper and making sentences.

And so like, you know, he was a sat down and wrote for like three hours, I assume.

And at our one hour, 30 minutes, right, he was like, OK, I'm halfway there.

And then he gets to the third hour, right?

And gets to the end and he looks back and was like, oh shit, I wrote two books accidentally.

And that.

And maybe that's why the first book is so fucking boring.

And I put all of my action in the second book, which literally begins with a giant animatronic monster.

Fucking truckasaurusy.

Into and then the 2nd chapter where a car just fucking explodes.

Alas, not with their main characters in it, but still nevertheless.

Yeah, we could have.

We could have done without Luke for the rest of this book.

What if it was just like and then all the characters died?

The end.

Oops.

Oops, The rest of the book is just blank pages.

Yeah, chapter 3, of course.

It turns out Lizzie just saw a reflection of the sun on the car's windshield and thought it exploded right.

Or someone set off a firework near the car.

No, dear listener, this is not a fake out.

Jovial Bob is on that Michael Bay shit.

The family stare at the burning wreckage of the vehicle they were just in minutes before and contemplate their mortality for a few seconds until that's boring.

Dad might be going through the first few stages of grief, but the kids have shot straight to acceptance because there's a horror land to be seen.

God damn it.

Everyone heads to the gate as Dad demands a phone from one of the Horrorlands resident horrors, a green monster with bulging yellow eyes who tells him the park doesn't have phones but assures the family in a low, grumbly voice that they'll be properly taken care of.

I want to note that during this conversation, and presumably when the car exploded, there have been loud blares of organ music that I can only imagine sound like this.

So.

Yes, an accurate representation of the car exploding was something like this.

And they're like, yeah, let's go to the theme park, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Theme park time.

OK, well, we came all this way.

I mean, what else do you guys want to do?

Did you want to?

I mean, I could go from.

I'm a bit feckish I think I.

Could there's one horror?

There's one horror in the background that's like waiting from the start talking.

So I was thinking about like getting a.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, how do I do to the?

One row.

That's how they do it.

That's they thinking in Horrorland I'm pretty sure.

Alright, I'm having too much fun with this anyway.

Anyway, the parents decide to let the presumably 12 year old children want.

That's a big leap on my part.

I'm I?

That's a big if at least at least one of them's not, I think.

The 12 year old children wander the park by themselves after they narrowly avoided an assassination attempt because they're terrible parents.

The kids wander into Werewolf Village where they see a sign that reads Welcome to Werewolf Village and get surprised when they see a werewolf.

Oh no.

Who could have called that?

They also see a green monster holding an actual human's head.

Yes, they do.

Yes, yes, yeah.

A good moment.

A good moment.

The show I think actually elevates that moment.

Now it does not have werewolf woods, but it's I think it elevates it.

It turns it into what is good for that moment in the story.

Yeah, as like this really is coming off as a joke, but those, those graphics are pretty fucking good like that that whatever they're doing with the animatronics there is it's pretty it's pretty impressive.

I.

Mean they're doing this they do the same thing here with the werewolf like they're like well the werewolf is a pretty cool animatronic or whatever it's just that the werewolf doesn't do anything so just.

Like all it does is edge, you know, it's it's described as being behind a shed, edging.

Yeah.

So.

He's like this is an author insert character.

Are all Stein both in both predicted the the advent of Halloween Horror Nights and also edging it was.

Him the whole time.

It was him all the whole time.

This is my true legacy, not Goosebumps, which I detest, but the edging werewolf, which is my spirit creature.

You know what happens when the werewolf finishes edging?

Organ music comes out Chapter 4.

I don't want to be that guy, but Lizzie has spent a considerable portion of this book freaking out, in some cases justifiably so.

But still, I must question her title of the calm one.

Lizzie screams at the sight of the wolf and jumps back, prompting the wolf to just leave.

OK, the kids continue exploring the park and find a sign that reads DOOM Slide.

Will you be the one to slide forever?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

The gang make their way to the slide and see another sign warning you may be the one to slide.

To your doom.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

The kids make their way to the top of the mountain shaped building and see a row of numbered slides.

One of the Horrorland horrors.

Watching over the slides tells the kids to not pick the doom slide because you'll slide down forever and ever.

Stop threatening me with a good time.

Questions, Comments, Concerns about chapter?

I'd like like to make one point, and I know why.

I know why you didn't put in your summary because I know that when I read it I also thought I don't know why this is here that the no pinching sign.

Yes.

Oh, I told him this chapter.

Yeah, in this chapter they pass a no pinching sign.

Yes, thank you for picking that up, but.

This will be important.

This will be important later.

It is actually I wanted to say a call and response a call back it is.

It is reference.

Setup payoff.

It is of critical importance.

Also, I I couldn't I couldn't read Doom slide without thinking it's a doom.

Slide.

Dude I made that fucking joke on my stream when we all read this live and no one got it.

Like man.

Fuck, I was like, I was like, we're old, can you have this horror?

We are old officially.

Chapter 5 quote I choose slide #3 because 3 is my lucky number, says Lizzie, which is exactly the kind of thing I'd expect the daughter of a banker to say.

The next 100 words describe the act of a child going down a.

Slide.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

So we have arrived.

Yeah, Luke and Lizzie pop out at the other end, but Clay is nowhere to be seen.

Did he, in fact go down the Doom slide and his he perchance doomed to slide forever?

Luke and Lizzie make their way back to the top of the building and ask one of the Horrorland horrors who responds to those questions with, I don't know, maybe?

Yeah, man, I don't know.

My note for this chapter was wow, sounds like a sweet slide.

Yeah, fucking sick.

That's.

Like a pretty whenever we talked about Doom slide throughout these entire chapters, I was playing the Mick Gordon fucking Doom soundtrack.

A lot of horror land, it seems, involves slides.

It seems to me that RL Stein maybe hadn't been to an amusement park in, yeah, at least a decade.

Which is funny because you could tell Jacobus had yes because the cover actually has like legit like rides and a Ferris wheel and like a coaster and stuff.

And and RL Stein can only envision slides.

Yeah, meanwhile.

Joey Obama's here.

The kids, The park.

You know, an amusement park where kids get together and play stick and ball.

Yeah, now, so I'll I'll say this now, this is a good point place to put this.

Our outside apparently did draw a whole map of horror land for his own like mental imaging of it.

So a a a map exists.

I think I would too, not just for world building, but I think it it it's good in this situation to like kind of get an idea of like the the space like OK, if they pop out of the doom slide here, they would go over here and then the maybe the vampire village would be over here and like.

There is a good deal of time spent talking about where things are in relation to one another, which may be a direct consequence of RL Stein spending an hour making a map and being like, well goddamn it, I'm going to talk about the.

Mario, Mario.

Here's the thing.

I would much prefer that over him laboriously, extensively talking about a child getting the board to get on the slide, sitting down on the board to get on the slide, getting up to the slide.

You weren't enthralled.

Starting to slide, going down the slide, continuing to go down the slide, Sliding to the left, sliding to the right, sliding straight.

Take it back now y'all.

Sliding to the left again and then eventually finishing the slide.

Now there are a couple chapters I'll give.

This is not the only chapter where all the Stein does this.

I know that's why I'm I'm setting it up baby.

So chapter 6 quote, he's sliding forever, says Luke dejectedly.

Sliding quote, sliding forever and ever on the Doom slide.

Lizzie hits.

Lizzie hits back with and I quote.

That's dumb.

Yeah, it is.

It's true, yeah.

No, I'm doing chapter 6 and two, and the two decide to find Clay by going down the same slide he went down, possibly to their doom.

Let's find out on the next episode of Goose Ball Z.

So time for another chapter.

We got on the slide again, RL Stein said.

I do.

I do it once and you can do it twice.

I have a bad feeling about this slide guys.

Chapter 7 The next 100 words describe the act of children going down a slide, except this time the slides going on for longer and also a part of the slide is on fire and the kids are hurtling straight toward it and are going to burn alive anyway.

Chapter 8.

The kids fly through the flames, through the fire, in the flames, and nothing happens because they're fake.

Neato.

Then the slide ends and the kids learn that life is full of lies anyway.

They find Clay next to a sign that reads Welcome to Doom, population 0 humans.

Luke punches Clay in the stomach as a sign of affection.

The kids try to figure out what to do next and pass signs that read Horror Rapids and House of Mirrors.

Luke wants to go to the House of Mirrors and as they start heading As they start heading there, a Horrorland horror taps Lizzie's shoulder and whispers.

Get away while you can, please.

I'm serious.

Get away while you can.

I'm sure this is an event worthy of an end of chapter cliffhanger and won't be dismissed within the first few sentences of Chapter 9.

I don't know why that's here in the show.

That makes a lot more sense.

I mean, it's not good in the show either, but it I mean it makes more sense.

I don't know why one of these horrors suddenly is like, I actually don't like when we murder kids.

I actually don't like when we murder all of the kids.

Your parents are definitely getting spirited away turned into wait.

Hey, get out of here.

I'm not going to explain what I mean, but do get out of here.

Please get.

The fuck?

Out like these, these foreigners mucking up my beautiful park.

I mean, it makes it makes a lot of and when I went to Busch Gardens, that's one of the reasons I don't like it, is a bunch of the people there who were working there came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and told me to get the fuck.

Out.

I mean, hey, really, fuck off.

Get the fuck out of here.

Can you fuck?

Can you fuck off?

Just like leave.

Leave.

Just leave.

Just leave.

Just leave.

Wait, I can do it.

I can do it.

Just leave.

Yeah.

This is this, this podcast is is gradually turning into Matt Berry.

Yes, yeah, I'm here for it as well.

I, I, I, I like it as well.

It's a Chapter 9.

When we last left, a horror had warned Luke, Clay and Lizzie to get out while they still can.

Lizzie was so stunned that she didn't say anything but watched as off he fucked.

Clay asked what the horror had said and Lizzie repeated the warning.

Luke laughed and said These horror guys are great, they really try to scare you in this place.

The children reflected on whether the warning was for serious and for real, decided that it was a joke, and surmised that issuing cryptic warnings is part of the horrors job description.

Luke interrupted this reverie to suggest that the group check out the House of Mirrors before Mom and Dad appear and end the visit.

The children proceeded to a sign reading House of Mirrors.

Reflect before you enter.

No one may ever see you again.

Surely they will reflect after they enter as well.

The boys had hurried inside a head of Lizzie, who entered a dark tunnel.

She found herself in a narrow corridor of mirrored walls and a mirrored ceiling, surrounded by her own recurring reflection repeating into the distance.

Lizzie called on for the boys and her giggling in response.

She repeated her summons and her return was more giggling, this time on the other side of the mirrored wall, trying to enter what she thought to be a narrow opening.

Lizzie and said bonked her head on solid glass.

I hit my head.

She declared aloud and heard in response the laughter of Clay and Luke.

Their voice is now behind her.

Walking with her hands stretched ahead of her, Lizzie searched for an exit.

She entered another room, this time with a mirrored floor so that she now felt she was inside a mirrored box, struggling to walk against the illusion of standing on her own sneakers.

She called out for the boys and was horrified to receive no response.

Clearly it is because they're lost or something and not not a lame end of chapter gag chapter 10 until they did respond lol.

They were playing a little goosebumps chapter Ender joke.

They called out for Lizzie to find them and Lizzie proceeded through the mirror maze.

She entered a section with angled mirrors that distorted the recurring reflections and the lights grew dimmer.

Lizzie ran into another mirror and was very ready to leave this terrible place.

She turned a corner and found Luke calling to the boys that she wanted out.

Clay stepped into view and admitted he was also lost.

Lizzie moved towards Luke, but was stopped when she realized they were separated by a pane of clear glass.

Clay was also isolated in his own room.

Lizzie made a Circuit of the room and realized she had made a circle without finding an exit.

She made the circuit a second time and began to panic aloud.

Luke began pounding on the glass without effect.

Lizzie returned to the glass wall and tried to play it cool, feeling it was her duty as the older sibling to be cool.

She leaned on the glass separating her and Luke and it began to move.

Lizzie realized the walls were closing in and abandoned her post as the cool older sibling beginning to scream for help backing up, and the boys shouted in response that their rooms were also shrinking.

Oh no, they're all going to be crushed.

She shouted.

Chapter 11.

Lizzie backed up until there was no more back to up.

She briefly visualized a crushed car, like in the darkest part of the Brave Little Toaster.

Yes, the walls pressed into her tighter and tighter.

She was going to be crushed into a square like in the darkest part of the Brave Little Toaster.

Yes, this chapter is actually over already.

I was in the Indy 500.

Hey, I'm.

Just going to say real quick, sliding on a slide?

Not a great way to spend a chapter.

Wandering a hall of mirrors where nothing is happening?

Also not a great way to spend a chapter.

I mean I like this book, but RL?

Come on man.

Dude saving grace.

This book has some of the shortest chapters.

That's true.

Any fucking goosebump book like.

I would say at least stuff is happening.

Yeah, yeah.

The whole time I was just so thankful that stuff was happening, even though it's like, it's not like super engaging, but it's definitely better than I walked to this place and looked for someone and didn't find them, Which is the typical like the bulk of food substance of goosebumps.

There's actually like descriptions in here trying to put you in the place of being in the hall of mirrors.

And if you were an imaginative child, you might you might actually get something out of that.

So Chapter 12.

Instead of compressing them into meat cubes, the floor dropped out and the group was shitted out of the ride.

Luke and Clay got up and began celebrating.

They're on death.

An enthusiastic Luke suggested they find another ride, but Clay and Lizzie agreed it was way too scaly.

Luke argued that actually, it rules that the rides make you think that you're about to die.

Super effective strategy.

This briefly convinced Clay, but the sensible part of his mind caused him to wonder aloud that the mechanisms which create such Spooks could fail with disastrous consequences.

To this surmise, Luke had no retort.

Lizzie asked him what would have happened if the floor hadn't dropped away at the right moment.

After searching for an answer, Luke responded lamely that they make sure everything works OK.

His faith in the system having been restored, Luke insisted that Horrorland is just the place for him.

A horror approached from behind with a claw full of black balloons.

Luke asked the horror if anyone had ever died in the park, and he answered only once.

One person.

Yes, one person died here.

And the horror said that was not what we what what he meant.

Luke asked what this meant and the horror said a person can only die once here.

No one has ever died twice.

Yeah, but what about that?

Yeah, but what about the died once part?

Yeah.

I I thought this was cute.

Yeah, I.

Thought this was cute.

I laughed.

It was.

It was goofy.

Yeah, yeah, Chapter 13.

No one could ever die twice.

How does one die?

I I've died like 20 times.

You know, you die a million times before you ever get in trouble.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Right.

Also, have you considered cats?

Has no one considered cats here?

Come on, guys.

Come on guys, what are you doing?

Yeah, they get to die several times.

Lucky bastards.

Fuckers, that's lucky bastard.

Cats get everything.

This is bullshit it.

Is although if they generally live to about the age of 14 and they get to die seven times, that means they've got like, they just live 2 years at a time, huh?

Wait, your cats are just really stupid?

Is that where they can fucking die?

I.

Mean.

I mean.

I think it.

Maybe they maybe they need those extra lives.

Or something like that.

Or maybe it's maybe the stupidity arises from the lack of consequences because like by the 7th 1:00 like I guess I'll never die and the last one is the one that takes.

We're just talking.

This is just Puss in Boots the the last Puss in boots movie.

Like this is literally the plot of.

Yes, it is.

Yeah.

Great, great fucking movie.

I haven't seen it, do you need to watch it though?

Oh, it's so fucking good.

There's a moment.

Oh my God, I I keep watching it over on on.

It's also has shockingly like some of the best fight choreography I've ever seen, one of the best fucking antagonists in any movie.

I like it it that was it's Puss in Boots the.

Last Wish.

The Last Wish Puss in Boots The Last Wish.

Also it has one of the funniest antagonists who is just.

I mean there are a bunch of antagonists but one of them is just.

I think it's voiced by John Mulaney, I think.

Yeah, it is.

It is, yeah.

He's he's just playing a, a fucking awful, terrible human being and he does does not give a fuck.

And it's great.

It's fucking it's.

It's a big recommendation to watch the Puss and Boots movie.

I will.

I will try to watch it myself.

It's legitimately good.

It looked good.

Yeah, Chapter 13, Lizzie shouted.

Do you mean people have really died here?

The horror responded by fucking off.

The group discussed discussed whether he was joking before passing a family with two crying children.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can What did he do again?

He fucked off.

The Horror responded by fucking off.

The group discussed whether he was joking before passing a family with two crying children.

Luke and Clay, blissfully lacking in self-awareness, criticized the other boys for their display of emotion.

Lizzie insisted that it was time to find the parents and leave, to which Clay quickly agreed.

Luke disagreed, having decided he was fully Joker pilled, but the group began to walk towards the entrance anyway.

On the way, they passed an old wooden roller coaster with a sign reading out of order.

Do you dare to ride it anyway?

Lizzie declined Luke's invitation to ride it anyway.

If the trail curved under a sudden wood and no sign warned them to beware of tree snakes, were there really snakes up there?

If one does appear, it will signal the end of a chapter.

It might be the most common event in this series to do so.

Journeys end with lovers meeting Goosebumps, paws with snakes appearing.

Watch out for tree snakes.

Dude.

Sorry, I was, I was a little late on that one.

No, no, you had to, no.

No, actually that worked better.

OK.

The group began to hear hissing and started running.

They continued running even after they escaped the wood.

The trail was now lined with stone statues of grinning monsters, eyes narrowed menacingly, arms outstretched to grab somebody.

After becoming aware that the statues were issuing evil laughter, the three continued running to the entrance.

They came upon a sign with an arrow pointing in the direction they were headed, which read Front exit.

Don't bother, you will never escape.

Lizzie declared this was only a joke.

Without warning, Luke jumped on Clay's shoulders and asked him for a ride.

Clay told him to get off, but Luke hung on.

They began wrestling these buffoons.

Lizzie dragged her brother.

Up, goofballs.

Oh, boys.

Boys will be you.

Clowns.

Get back to the circus clown.

They passed a red barn with a rectangular flower bed filled with black flowers.

A sign nearby stated simply.

Bat barn, Lizzie.

Yeah, just no ornamentation, no commentary.

It's friggin bats.

I love Halloween.

Exactly.

Thank you, Bob.

You're welcome.

Lizzie shivered with near with the near universal fear of girls and a bat being in their hair.

They stepped into the barn and were overcome by a sour smell.

They then heard a rapid flutter of wings and something brushed the back of Lizzie neck.

Oh my God, it's going to happen.

Chapter 14.

Go away.

Lizzie screamed, swinging her hands wildly above her head.

Surrounded by the flapping of wings.

They began to run to the open barn door.

They were beset on all sides by hissing and flapping of wings.

Then the thing happened, and one of the bats became tangled in Lizzie's hair.

Oh God, the pinnacle of lady horror has occurred.

She shoved the bat from her hair and they trundled towards the door under a cloud of abuse by the shrieking airborne purveyors of rabies.

A note we here at Gubba Bumps thou canst not instill in US fright our firmly bat.

Positive.

Gubba bumps.

Gubba bumps.

Can you say that?

Again, we here at Gubba Bumps, thou canst not instill us in fright.

A firmly bat positive.

And I need to make the sister channel.

Goddamn.

I love bats and this would have been a dope place to visit them.

Now I would say that they probably should clean up the guano that's making it smell, but nonetheless.

And definitely make sure that you know none of the none of those bats.

Although wait, can you only make sure if a animal has rabies killing it?

Correct.

Well now I don't want them to check for rabies.

Just leave the bats alone.

How about that just?

Leave the bats alone, yeah?

Unless you've got a rabies shot and then you can, then you can not leave them alone to your heart's content.

I wrote here without being too worried about this.

I said I think without having verified this ahead of time, that we like bats.

Go watch a video of an Australian woman rescuing flying foxes.

Yeah, just.

Little dogs.

They're little dogs.

Very cute, very wholesome.

They're.

Extremely adorable.

Don't handle bats yourself without having been vaccinated for rabies, or if you if it becomes known that you have done so, they will be killed.

You got to be really careful.

Anyway, back-to-back to the Gubba Bump Chapter 15.

Lizzie finally reached the door and it opened at her touch.

Sunlight flooded the barn and revealed that there were no bats in the barn at all.

The Raptors were bereft of life.

Walking out into the sun, Lizzie declared her hatred of bats.

Luke stated it was all special effects, and Lizzie denied this.

One.

Got tangled in my hair, she said.

Luke declared he was almost scared.

Lizzie retorted that he had been screaming his head off, and Luke, eager to reinforce his reputation as a piece of shit, announced that he was just screaming like that to scare others.

Sure, dude.

We all, we all knew or were this kid at some point.

Lizzie called Luke a liar and Luke responded by sticking his tongue out.

Lizzie reflected on her earnest desire to punch his lights out, but settled for punching he shoulder.

Luke howled in protest.

You're stupid Lizzie, you're really stupid, he muttered.

And you're afraid of pretend?

Bats dissed horribly.

They asked 2 horrors whether the path they were on led to the entrance, but the horrors seem not to notice them.

They saw four teenagers in bathing suits approaching a large brown pond, next to which was a sign reading Alligator Pond.

Feel free to swim here.

Luke laughed, asking aloud whether the teens were crazy.

They continued towards the entrance, passing the Doom Slide and entering the wide circular Plaza.

They spotted their parents near the stone fountain, but it was actually someone else's parents.

How dreadful, how embarrassing.

This is true horror.

How embarrassing.

True horror.

Yeah, like accidentally asking a stranger or calling them the name of a loved 1.

Dreadful.

The three ran around the Plaza, hearing the wolf house from the werewolf village.

The ice cream cart stood deserted near the entrance of the doomslide.

The group wondered where their parents were and decided to go back into the park to look.

Passing the doomslide, 2 green costumed horrors with bulging yellow eyes appeared.

Lizzie asked if the horrors had seen their parents and described them.

Oh yeah, said one of the horrors.

They left about 1/2 hour ago.

Lizzie expressed confusion and disbelief.

They asked us to give you a message.

The horror said goodbye, ha ha.

Fucking got him I.

Was waiting for the I was waiting for the organ hit.

Oh, I'm sorry, say it again.

The horror said goodbye.

Let.

Me know when you want me to stop.

Just a little bit more, OK, OK.

That's a real yes, and that's.

A real Now that's a real yes.

And yes, and.

Chapter 16.

You can know me.

Being spirited away on a death slide.

Crushed into a cube by a shrinking room.

Beset by snakes and bats.

Misidentifying a stranger with a term of endearment.

Abandonment by 1's parents.

There's so much kid horror in this Goosebumps book it really feels like it's trying to make up for prior books.

Just a an apology.

RL Stein apology tour.

Sorry, I'm sorry about you can't scare me I'm.

Sorry about that book.

I wrote that book.

What I.

Wrote and the podcast That's gonna happen in 30 Years.

Lizzie protested that the parents would not leave, and the horrors reaffirmed that the parents had left before fucking off themselves.

The children debated what to do.

I guess that's their job, Luke said.

Telling us lies to scare us to death.

That's why they call it Horrorland.

They should call it, says Clay Dumbland.

Fucking God the fuck.

Insert super hot fire.

Crowd screaming super hot fire.

Just burn it down.

Just burn the whole place down.

After debating about the truth of the leaving of the parents, the kids wandered through the park for what seemed like hours.

They traveled through dark, mysterious woods, strange monster villages, and a carnival area with dozens of scary looking rides.

On the other side of the vampire village was a building marked Plasma Pizza Vampire Village, a monster zoo.

They could hear horrifying grunts, howls, and moans issuing from the building.

They also passed a long yellow building with a sign that proclaimed Guillotine Museum.

Please hold on to your head.

Please reel Stein make these into a Goosebumps books.

Don't just leave all these ideas.

The goosebumps.

The guillotine.

The guillotine.

I guess you could say I sort of died.

Don't lose your head.

I kind of died.

Also, I really like the truth of the leaving of the parents.

The truth of the leaving of the parents.

Also, yeah, I got a Goosebumps book for you.

How about spooky divorce?

Spooky divorce.

Spooky divorce.

Mom's new boyfriend.

The Truth of the Leaving of the Parents, read by Wayne June.

Read by Wayne June Read by Wayne.

June read by Matt Berry.

Matt Berry, The truth, man.

You can a monster.

Living of the.

Parents.

Scandal.

You can, Daddy.

The truth of the the truth.

Of the leaving of the parents.

Truth of the leaving of the parents.

Every time I I someone says Matt Berry, I I just immediately go back to that skit of when he's like talking to women and the moment they say that they have a boyfriend he like.

Fuck you, fuck off.

It's the one where he's like helping that Lady move into an apartment with that like aquarium.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The second she goes my boyfriend, he goes fuck you fucking.

Toss it.

Shatters it everywhere and then he runs.

He like takes off.

I also think of when he is talking about the swing set that he has built, but he says that I have erected, I have erected.

You can't scare me.

Matt Berry, Appreciation Station.

Matt Berry Appreciation Club.

Yeah, yeah.

So at Guillotine Museum, Horrorland was surprisingly empty, including all the food stands and restaurants.

The group found themselves by the alligator pond.

Luke wondered aloud if the alligators had eaten their parents.

They spied 2 alligators floating as they do.

Standing by the edge of the water, they argued about the location of the parents.

As they argued, Lizzie felt strong hands push her into the alligator pond.

That's actually what the hands were doing and not a loathsome end of chapter lie, end of chapter 16.

I would like to note right here that I wrote the sentence at the end of this if this is a brother scare dot dot dot.

So that's where I left that thought.

Well, good news for you, Marcus.

I I take over now and I get to say this shock RL Stein engages in perhaps his one true fake out of this book and aware of the gravity of this moment also makes it his first ever dad scare.

Gentlemen, we are in a brave new world.

That's right, the one true fake.

Dude, I had a fucking chapter where the kids were hurtling toward the fucking part of the slide that was on fire.

They were describing the flames, the heat of the flames.

On the like, I understand what you're saying.

They did not die.

You are of course correct.

And that is, I mean, I mean, I mean a fake out wherein, for example, the kid from Monster Blood is like, Oh my God, a horrible figure is going to kill me.

It was my cat.

All right.

Like I'm talking about, I'm talking about a fake out.

I'm talking about it.

RL Stein just says fuck you.

How do you confuse?

Someone touching your shoulder or like grabbing your arm with.

Pushing you.

Pushing you into an alligator pond.

Yeah, I.

Don't understand?

It's only with the magic of writing it on purpose loaths.

Only the magic of writing it bad on purpose.

Do you think?

Goosebumps written bad on purpose.

I don't.

Think I've heard Ariel Stein like laugh, but I think that maybe the only time in his life he laughs is when he writes these, and I'm guessing it's probably actually scary to hear him laugh.

RL Stein's laugh is what you hear moments before you die.

Hello.

It's really, really low and guttural.

It's like.

Hello, I'm RL Stein.

Prepare to die.

Prepare.

To die, Prepare to.

Die by the way, the audio book is available for free to people on Spotify for one day at Horror Land.

I suggest you listen to even just the first like minute of it, because we get probably the most Immaculate.

RL Stein.

Hello, I'm Aurel Stein.

It's it's I.

Forgot I.

Forgot what he sounded like.

It's.

Great to hear.

He's always loved to hear.

Him, and it's so good to hear it.

It's so good to hear his voice.

You have no idea.

I have dreams about it.

Gentlemen, we are in a brave new world of dad scares.

That's right, Mom and Dad are back.

They somehow searched.

They've somehow searched the entire park 12 times without ever fighting the kids.

What?

Seems calling down on that mom Lizzie is so relieved because she has apparently spent the last dozen chapters envisioning them being brutally murdered.

But after all, it is horrorland.

If you're here, your family is probably dead.

When you're here, your family is probably dead.

It's.

Probably, yeah, If you're here.

If you're here, it's probably dead.

I was like, is that OK?

Here.

I'll do.

I'll do that.

Ready again?

Here we go.

It is horrorland.

If you're here, your family is probably dead.

I.

Like that I like.

That a lot Mom and dad reveal that indeed there are no phones here.

I'm sorry, actually, I wrote.

Mom and dad reveal that indeed there are no phone here but.

That the.

Doors have all been exceedingly nice, which let's pause and take a minute to appreciate this kind of customer service.

Mom and dad are told to just come to the ticket office when they want to leave.

Mom asked Luke the most loaded question ever.

Did you ride any rides?

Having no sense of self preservation, Luke says they did a lot of stuff which which wild to me that Luke does not die in this moment.

Like if I told my mom who is like, I've been looking for you for hours.

I've wanted this part 12 times.

And she is like, did you ride any rides?

And I said yeah, I wrote a bunch.

I had a great time.

I would get the fucking shit kicked out of me.

Like I mean this sincerely with all love and respect to my mother.

Violence would have occurred somehow also.

Anyway, Lizzie wants to just eat lunch and then leave, which is wild to imagine.

We are still thinking about eating lunch in this scenario.

But in a moment which but in a moment which stretches credulity, Mom and dad refused to leave without trying one ride.

Ignoring the freefall cordless bungee drop, they decided to take the coffin cruise.

As the river flows towards the front of the park, the gang are placed into actual satin line coffins and set adrift.

Which sounds dope as hell, but what do I know.

Even Lizzie finds this scenario relaxing but wonders why she has a feeling of impending doom.

It's because you are literally in a place called Horrorland, Lizzie.

That's that's.

Why floating downstream in a coffin?

What?

Yeah, that's three things.

That's three things.

Chapter 18, the classic Arlstein chapter, we added to me the quota.

The gang drifts pleasantly along, observing a bird and.

Lizzie calls Luke a monster, but nothing at all happens of any interest until the cop and lid slammed shut.

Chapter 19.

My God.

My.

God.

The beauty of having rides is that Ariel Stein can describe the part of the ride where nothing happened.

Yeah, exactly.

See a cool idea for this book would have been like every chapter is like a different ride at horror Land and like, yeah, I I just I I like that idea.

But also lazy river but with coffins is like what?

That was the the horrors were kind of running out of ideas on that.

They're like lazy river, lazy dead river, lazy dead river, lazy river, but scary.

How do it get scary?

The boats of coffins.

OK here's an idea.

What if we get inflatable tubes and we put people in them and they float down just like lazy river, but halfway through we shoot them with the high-powered scoped rifle?

How about we just fucking kill him?

No, we.

Fucking kill him.

And then they die.

We call it, we call it snipers River cruise.

We let them know they're snipers.

Watch out, you might get shot.

Watch out, you might die.

No, from a bullet.

Parenthetical.

No, legitimately, we're not kidding around here.

Not fucking.

Around you will.

Fucking get shot with a goddamn bullet.

It's Squeal team 6.

That's the best I could think of for a monster name for Seal Team.

Six appropriate because.

Seal Scream 6.

Yeah, what are you doing?

Come on, says a member of the Scream team.

Jesus Christ, come on.

Also, I do like the squeal reference because once we get to the TV episode, holy fuck, there's a lot of pig squealing.

Yeah, pig squeal sound effects all up in that shit.

Chapter 19.

Lizzie repeatedly tries to open the coffin lid in a song and dance that is at once familiar to any keen eared listener or keen eyed reader.

We have reached.

The classic character pushes against an unmoving door scene.

Lizzie shouts but her screams are muffled.

She can however hear Clay screaming and soiling himself in the coffin next to her.

Lizzie enters the bargaining phase and begins engaging in some magical thinking.

Also.

Alas, she is quickly taught that she has no power in a world as cruel and uncaring as this one.

As the door obstinately remains closed, Lizzie begins acting like coffin, like the coffin is too hot and maybe she is suffocating.

Impossible, because coffins are of course not airtight, nor are they watertight, for that matter.

When suddenly, when suddenly spiders.

Spiders everywhere.

I didn't think this at the time, but now I can think of when she's doing her.

It's so hot in here.

Rigmarole is so hot in here.

That's true.

Is the is that she's like a Tim Robinson character where she's.

It's too hot.

It's hot.

Yeah, it actually is hot.

It burns.

The steering wheel burned.

Yeah, it did burn, but you wouldn't know that.

But you wouldn't care.

You wouldn't.

Care about that?

Yeah, it actually is hot.

Move.

I don't want him.

I don't want him.

I'm good.

You yelled.

You yelled.

There's too much fun.

You just want to yell.

You just.

Want to yell?

You just want to yell.

You just want to shit on me.

I can't breathe.

You can't breathe from the mask.

Yeah, actually.

You you're missing the part where Lizzie said I don't want to be around anymore.

I.

Don't want to be around anymore.

Lizzie.

Lizzie gets out the cop and it's like, I don't even want to be around anymore.

What have they done to us?

What have they?

Done to us?

What have they done?

To us, my life is nothing that I wanted to, wanted to be and everything.

Yeah.

Just for about 3 minutes.

I thought there was monsters on the wall.

For 30, because for 30 seconds I thought there was monsters on the earth.

That is that is like one of that is probably my favorite like piece of comedy like it is so.

My life is nothing that I wanted to be in everything I feared because for 30 seconds I thought there was monsters on this on the earth.

I love with the subtitle pop up on that.

Because he's just, you know what Horrorland is.

Literally.

The complete experience of Horrorland can be summed up as the pig in a Nixon mask.

The doggy door.

You were excited because you didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

I'm not an I'm not a fucking idiot.

I know that it was a pig in a Nixon mask, but for but I thought but for 30 seconds I thought that was real.

I.

Thought it was monsters on the world.

Monsters.

I'm not a fucking idiot.

I knew that was a fucking idiot.

No, that's a big in a Nixon mask.

But for 30 seconds I thought I was going to die.

But.

That's real.

That lives with us on Earth, that exists on.

That's real.

That's going to kill me.

That live with us on earth, but anyway.

Back to corn cob TV.

Chapter 20.

Chapter 20.

Yeah.

Corn cob.

Yeah.

Corn cob TV.

It does.

Eventually show up, yeah.

Chapter 20 Lizzie struggles to scratch her legs.

Spiders.

Spiders everywhere.

Chapter 20 Lizzie struggles to scratch her legs, which I think would not really solve her spider problem, but I digress.

Suddenly, the lid cops.

Solve her spider problem.

What's that?

Just just.

Stay still.

Just leaving him alone, don't bother.

Him alone, yeah, it's.

Totally fine.

They don't eat you.

You're not their food.

Also, the coffin is Guinness, not watertight, so it will sort itself out eventually.

Lizzie's starting the special anyway.

Suddenly the lid pops open and would you believe it, no spiders were there at all.

But apparently the the itchy leg symptoms were a feature of this ride, as Luke 2 says he thought there were ants in his coffin.

Mom and Dad decide that this mildly upsetting scenario is a step too far on the part of Horror Land and want to complain, but Lizzie just wants to leave.

Quote I don't even want to be around anymore.

This just makes me feel bad for people who have like haunted houses and stuff.

Just imagining the amount of time parents would be like this is too fucking too scary.

To complain.

It's like it's a fucking haunted house.

What the fuck did you expect?

It's called horror land.

Yeah, it wasn't called relaxing river ride like.

A fun time house.

Yeah, alas, all the ticket booths are closed.

Who would have guessed?

What's more, all the horrors have vanished.

Ignoring the No Exit No One Leaves Horror Land Alive sign as some kind of false advertising.

Despite all indications to the contrary, the gang attempts to go to the parking lot gate.

To everyone's shock, the gate too is locked.

And all I could think right here was because he recently watched the movie Heretic, when Hugh Grant's character is talking to the Mormon missionaries here visiting him.

And one of them says, like, can you go get your wife, please?

After like 40 minutes of this movie where obviously his wife is not real.

And he's like, I will go through this door if you, despite all indication to the contrary, still believe my wife is real, like.

Oh, should I watch that?

It's really it's, it's good.

It's a good.

It's good.

It's good, yeah.

It's it's fun.

It's fun.

It's that and what was the other one with the the cover where it's the lady with her spine that's like the substance.

Oh, I've heard, I've heard mixed things of the.

Substance.

Oh, mixed things, OK.

I've heard some people really like it, in fact it's very popular.

I've also heard Smile 2 is a secret banger.

I heard Smile 2 is actually really good secret.

Yeah.

Secret Bang.

Yeah, we need to see smile too.

Yeah, I think Red Letter Media did a video that was like their favorite horror movies of the year and like they had Subs, the substance on there, but they also had like, I don't think they had Heretic, but they.

Hadn't seen Heretic yet, I don't think.

OK, they had a bunch of other ones that I.

They had some on there that I did I did not agree with as I recall.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, I forgot their list.

I forget what their list was like.

I forget it just contains some shit that I was like.

I I don't, I don't know about.

That it's interesting.

The ones where like, I'm like, yeah, I completely agree.

And then some of it's like, I thought that movie was really loathsome.

It's hard to tell.

Taste is hard.

Yeah, substance oddity.

Oh I I saw the TV glow was fucking incredible.

That's a good one.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Speaking of.

Evil.

The first omen blink twice.

A quiet place, day one.

They liked the quiet Place.

I was like, I don't think they put Salems lot on there and I've heard that Salems lot by all accounts is fucking terrible, so I don't really wanna see.

It by almost all accounts, apparently.

They put trap and I do like trap.

I don't care about Quiet Place at all.

Well, they had trap on there, but they had it on there as like a ironic thing, they.

Oh, but I like trap.

I thought trap was great.

Yeah, they're like, it's really stupid and implausible.

And I was like, it's an M Night Chimelan movie.

Yeah, the beach that makes you old guy if you don't already know not to, like, be like, don't, don't treat these people like they're humans.

M Night Chimelan characters don't act like humans.

They don't talk.

Like, you know what?

Actually?

Actually, no, I did hear the furry stone was good.

I did hear that.

I haven't seen it, but I heard some people talking about Furry Stone when they thought it was shockingly.

Yeah, and Speak No Evil was one that I they they talked very briefly about it and some of the the trailers they showed, I was like, what the fuck is this movie?

So speak no evil.

I will say this, I don't really want to watch it because mostly I would rather if I'm going to watch it, I'd rather watch the original because it's a remake of a Danish film.

Yeah, but I've I've heard it's one of those like, I'm uncomfortable, I'm very uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable.

I'm.

Uncomfortable.

It's not really a horror movie.

It's AI.

Want to fucking leave this theater right now?

Yeah, it's a social horror movie.

Yeah, one of the reasons I I was interested in it maybe just to like look at like what happens because or not like look it up or spoil it, but just like kind of get an idea for like where it goes.

Because they were saying and other people have said that Speak no evil has one of them.

The like it it it at a certain point the movie just starts fucking going the most extreme route that it and things go really fucking insane at A at a certain spot.

And it's yeah, Blink twice is another movie that I they were talking about that I was really interested in.

It's more of like a horror mystery thing.

I I know of Blink twice.

I saw an essay.

I haven't watched it because I haven't watched Blink twice, but I had I saw an essay from a lady on YouTube that I have listened to other things she had said and I mean she seems to have a good taste and she said she did not like the ending of that movie at all.

Oh that sucks cuz that's the whole oh man.

The only way that I would watch that is if the fucking ending nailed it.

I mean, it might be good and it might be just her saying it, I don't know, but she did not like it.

Anyway.

Let's anyway go back.

To it though if y'all have y'all seen I saw the TV glow.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

All right.

Thank God.

Oh yeah, it's a good movie.

That's right.

Yeah, it's a really good movie.

I felt I, I thought the ending was kind of mean.

I, I understand why it's that way.

I get it.

But like, I was like, oh man, please show this person becoming the person they're supposed to be instead of just ending on this like like they just, they panic and they and, and there's no, I don't know.

I I want to be happy at the end of the movie.

Yeah, I am.

Not it's a feel bad movie.

Yeah, yeah, it's a tragedy.

Yeah.

And I think.

That it's the point of it, yeah.

And I think it's really.

It's the point.

It's the point.

I'm not.

Yeah, yeah.

I, I, I.

It's like a call to.

Action it, it.

And that's probably what it should be.

However, I don't know, you know, you want, Yeah, you want what's best for them.

At the end of Devotion, I wanted things to go a completely different way.

But you know, just the way that everything was built and the tragedy that was set up and the mistakes that everybody had made, it just.

It's intentional.

These things are intentionally done this way, and the writer, the writer has a vision and the director of the vision.

It's just it didn't make me feel good.

Selfishly and, and also well, it's 'cause it's like, like with the setup of like the Power Rangers Z, like Sailor Moon Power Rangers Z thing.

I wanted to, I, I wanted to see where it went after that.

But again, it's that's in the Red Letter Media camp of I wanted the movie to be different.

Yeah.

Exactly because it would have been cool to see that part, and that was clearly not the point.

And I get the point so.

OK, chapter one, they can't allow people inside an amusement park.

Dad exclaims, apparently suffering from acute onset memory loss or perhaps terminal incredulity.

Luke suggests it is another joke, despite there having been essentially no jokes whatsoever thus far, and Mom and Dad determine there must be another exit.

This is a strange place, but we're not in any danger.

Dad says again, apparently haven't forgotten the part where his car exploded.

Dad begins looking for a costume park worker when, right on cue, the entire park staff begins walking towards them menacingly.

Chapter 22 Bravely, our doomed family stares imminent death in the face, and no one, not even Clay, commits any acts of fecal embarrassment.

What luck then, that in fact the horrors are not there to kill them, but rather inflict a far worse torture?

Reality Television It turns out that the gang has been unknowingly filmed for the Monster Channel's most popular show, Horrorland.

Hidden Camera It is important to note that there are a lot of great shows in the Monster Channel.

Let's take a minute to imagine them Game of bones.

There you go.

Parks and desecration yellow Crone Is this anything?

Shred lasso baking with Julia Get it cuz Julia childish worth baking with Julia.

But if we're baking with Julia anyway.

What about baking, Julia?

No, no, no, I like baking my.

I like the the whiff.

Like because you're using Julia as an ingredient.

What about breaking Brad?

I've.

Got a couple.

Monster Cops Saturday Fright Live Saturday fright Dead shocks news like Into the Fox, Young Sheldon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They would definitely still watch Young Sheldon.

Did you have ATV show?

I had two.

OK, hear me of him all.

Right.

Seinfeld is dead.

Frasier is dead.

How about that?

The joke is that they're dead.

Yeah, no, the joke is certainly that they're dead.

No, that part.

Yeah, no, for sure.

What rhymes with MAD?

Mad, bad, bad, sad.

So, so bad, men.

Bad men.

Oh wow.

Grey Anatomy.

Grey.

Oh, like a like a grey alien.

Yeah, OK.

Or.

No, like grey, like like rotting meat.

OK, OK.

I've got one.

I got 1/2 and 1/2 men.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go.

The.

Last of pus.

The last of Pus that's oh, that's good.

Is there a Frasier that's, I mean, Frasier is dead, obviously, but like dead Frasier?

What is it, Monster Frazier?

Monster.

Frazier.

That monster monster, monster house and the monster decks.

Monster The office The Monster office What fun any who the Horror land Hidden camera MC reveals that the family has won a brand new car and all they have to do is walk through the real exit.

A yellow door.

The family enters the yellow door and oops, wouldn't you know it, they are on family double dare family double scare and must now complete the monster obstacle course, which the MC informs us is very real and very deadly.

Chapter 23 the family has 56 seconds, an oddly specific amount of time to run a gauntlet of many and varied monsters which all sound very cool and which will certainly not be appearing on the TV episode.

But hey, if you wanted an apology for the last book, here you go.

Admittedly the monsters sound very spooky including a big gorilla esque thing with two sharp rows of teeth, some giant birds, pig men, fur covered snakes, lizards and what I think is a critter.

The family stumbles and bumbles in and out of monsters grafts until finally Lizzie falls to the ground and bangs her head looking up only to see a giant elephant likes creature about to flatten her.

Chapter 24 If you want to imagine a future, imagine half a chapter of a foot slowly moving downwards towards your.

Face egregious.

Suddenly, a buzzer goes off.

Am I alive or am I only dreaming that I'm still alive?

Lizzie Wonder's powerful stuff.

The MC announces that it's the time is up and further that three people have survived.

Gasp.

Which two of our characters have been slain?

Chapter 25.

Lizzie ponders who could have kicked it?

Looking around, she finds that Luke and Clay are alive.

So Mom and Dad are Wait, no, never mind.

And perhaps one of the most painful anticlimaxes I've ever experienced.

The MC corrects herself herself and announces that all 5 have survived.

Viewers at home begin writing angry letters, presumably in blood and or slime, and cancelling their cable subscriptions on Moss.

Apparently a perfect score has never occurred on the Monster channel before.

Dad is admittedly bleeding from a deep gash in his arm, so that's something I guess, And the family is shunted into the next room, where a crowd of horrors cheer for them.

Lizzie reaches out and angrily attempts to remove the MCS mask.

Chapter 26.

I.

Wonder what's going to happen?

Wow, I simply cannot believe it.

My shock is overwhelming.

The Horrorland horrors are real horrors.

Oh my God, yes, monsters are real, and they have been real this whole time.

In fact, the MC informs us that nearly 2 million monsters are watching the Monster channel all over the world, possibly at this very moment.

Ponder this and the logistics of it at your leisure.

The MC informs Lizzie that Horrorland isn't a joke and the monsters take it very seriously.

Dad protests about, you know, torturing people, but the MC ends the show.

Evidently, the ending of Horrorland Hidden camera is throwing the contestants in a big purple pond of muck.

Say quote quote.

Saying goodbye is always sad, so we try to have a little fun with our farewells.

And you know what?

That's a pretty positive outlook on life for a.

Monster that's strong, yeah.

But now the question, will the family jump in or will they be pushed?

Chapter 27.

The horrors descend on the family and they prepare to embrace death when Lizzie comes to a realization and pinches the MCS arm as hard as she can.

That's literally the entire summary of this chapter and that's everything that happens in it.

Chapter 28.

The mad pincher strikes again.

Lizzie shout.

Lizzie shouts.

A classic example of a callback.

This is really writing one O 1 folks.

Yep, it turns out the no pinching signs were actually pretty important.

As pinching straight up causes monsters to deflate, the family begins to wantonly massacre the horrors who flee for their lives in terror.

What a depraved bunch.

The poor defenseless horrors.

Who is how now, boys and girls?

How do you think that feels?

Who is the monster here, if you you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's.

Maybe we I mean we are the.

Most Maybe man is the Maybe man Greatest monster of all.

Real monster.

We're The Walking Dead.

Twas beauty that slayed the beast anyway, seizing the opportunity that.

Run the dogs out.

Seizing the opportunity, the family runs the parking lot and OPS to try to hijack a bus as the horrors follow fast in their trail.

Chapter 29.

Unbelievably, Dad does in fact know how to drive a bus, and not only that, a monster bus, which he uses to drive the family back home with basically no issue whatsoever.

The family arrives home safe and sound under the beautiful light of a full moon, but on exiting the vehicle, they discover a horror.

That's right.

He has clung to the back of the bus for this whole trip for revenge.

No indeed, to give them their free passes for next year.

RL Stein turns to the camera and offers a rye wink.

What a stinker.

What a stinker.

What a little stinker.

I will say there, there is some really interesting things that we glossed over.

We we, we kind of went through.

One of them was the dad having basically a fucking existential crisis being like, I'm so he when I believe it was when it was revealed that they were all going to die, he was basically like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so I didn't mean that, you know, if only I just got the fucking map, like none of this would happen.

And he was like kind of blaming himself.

And it was Lizzie was actually like, yeah, if I remember correctly, she was like kind of like feeling really terrible about that.

Also, I like Lizzie kind of in general understanding that, like it's, you know, being an older sibling, you got to kind of have a little bit of poise.

You got to you got to set an example, I guess.

I kind of like that.

And I think they do, they do something interesting in the TV show with that where she's a little bit more comforting.

I also think that the book that what the TV show does in general as a as an overall note, which is getting rid of the fucking third wheel and just having it be a, you know, just those two, just a Lizzie and Luke.

Like it kind of makes things a little bit more.

Streamlined.

A little bit more snappy.

So that's yeah, that's basically it.

So TV.

Episode.

So TV episode.

Did you watch this as it aired?

Correct.

You watch the recorded air version.

I watched the version you gave me.

I did not watch it when I was a child.

Great.

We I have a copy of this as it was when it aired.

Yeah, it is on YouTube actually, so you can just find.

It so here we open up with Seagull City.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just no no, we open up with the abridged opening for Ultimate Goosebumps.

That fucking sucks ass.

Yeah, the one that absolutely massacres the fucking amazing Goosebumps song.

Yes, yes, sucks shit, but yes.

Fucking awful.

Goals for days, because of course this is filmed in Canada and they don't have a desert so they just substitute with a scenic seaside Cliff or something.

The beach.

Yeah, we go into the family station wagon, Extreme station wagon, very, very good to a bunch of sweaty fools.

They're.

So, sweaty, did you think that the dad looked like Chevy Chase?

Because I did, Yeah.

Yes.

OK, All right.

Yeah, very Chevy Chase energy.

I think that's probably one of the casting notes they they might have had.

I think they were deliberately going for a vacation vibe, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

So yeah, well, we, we basically go into it's pretty accurate to the book with the exception of we, we have lost clay.

Clay, has he died?

Before clay sadly perished.

Also, dad is, they're all very Canadian and dad is extremely Canadian.

Yes, Luke.

And you know the rules.

Don't keep asking me are we there yet?

Because you'll know we're there when we're there.

So yeah, basically everything from the the book happens, with the notable exceptions that we are locked off.

Yeah, the car is already stopped.

Then we then they start arguing and then we start moving and then a billboard starts throwing Hadoukens at the fucking car in a scene that just makes me aghast.

Like this is.

It doesn't even.

Really incredible.

Yeah, so.

Some people forget, like back in the 90s, there was a lot of things like this where people had an idea and they tried to make it in Video Toaster and with some like rudimentary effects.

And it just like really, really doesn't work sometimes.

And they're like, well, we spent so much time on us.

We have to like actually, we just have to keep it in.

Here, this absolutely does not read in any way.

It's like it's also, I'd like to note before they get to it, Dad resolves that they're gonna get to to to zoo Gardens because Luke is very whiny about it.

And when he does it extremely funny, like triumphant music begins to play.

Yes, like Bumpa I want.

To.

See Zoo Gardens, you promised.

You're right, you're right.

We did promise, and your mother and I are not going to let you two kids down.

The Zoo Gardens is out there.

We're going to find it.

And it's like, really?

OK.

And then we transition to the woods and the fire effects, and it looks fucking terrible.

Yeah.

And that's where you get your cut to commercials.

I don't know if we wanted to talk about those here.

Oh, I would.

Oh, Bob, I would love this.

Obviously commercials, but also I'd like to talk about the fact that the fire effects are coming out of a literally unoccupied horror mask.

It's just like a static image of a horror mask that no one's wearing.

Incredible, I.

Just don't like so the monsters can shoot fireballs.

It's just or like the I don't whatever.

Anyway, I hear that it's Rock'n'roll on Saturday with the Backstreet Boys.

So I, so I, I have my notes here for I, I took notes on what, what, what the ads were at this time.

So the ad break we get in our first ad break, and this is a weird one because there's not like a a frame for the ad break because this day, October 25th, 1997, that was being hosted by the horrors, it was a ghoul.

It was a ghoul cast.

But this does not have an ad break for some reason with them.

We just go straight to who's the New Girl down at the beach, the California Roller Girl.

It's a doll that has real roller skates for inland skating, followed by a trailer for fairy tale.

A True story.

I doubt that.

I doubt, I doubt.

That it's a true story, but OK, the Play DoH demolition Derby.

When you have Play DoH, anything goes.

I remember this commercial.

I don't remember the other two commercials whatsoever.

And yes, the Backstreet Boys are going to be hosting Rock'n'roll in Saturday next week and they play Quit playing games with my heart in the background.

So yeah, we return to the fucking incredible.

Graphic design is my passion.

Mass signage for Monster for Horrorland.

We've got welcome to Horrorland, where nightmares come to life.

We've got main something, 100 something Mark, I don't know what that says.

That's I can't, I can't read that.

They all they all look like really bad R.E.M.

Fare signage.

So this is when you first start to get an idea.

Oh yeah, and also drive forward if you bear like.

The fucking.

Font is absolutely attrition.

Gargoyle left that wave.

I think this will be great.

The kids will love it.

So this is when I started to get a vibe for the budget of this episode and where maybe that budget had been allocated in certain areas and not allocated in let's say set design and location.

They are in the middle of goddamn nowhere.

Basically a road into some fucking like.

Parking.

Lot in in goddamn like a legitimately nowhere they're adding statues and posts.

They're they're.

Adding like in order to make the the parking lot not so fucked up.

They have not so obviously not Horrorland.

They have a a dude with a monster hand like reach out and touch a tree trunk as the camera pans across.

It's it is it's it's just fucking funny.

I just there's no other words for it.

So Hooray, they're at Horrorland and we see a a horror put something underneath the car.

Yeah, so can I?

I'd like to make a note here just real quick.

Go for it.

Following Gargoyle laugh dot wave, we also get incredible farty monster music that plays as the family pulls in and it's like it's really fart dot wave.

But yeah, they put the fucking Penguin remote control device from Batman Returns on the on their family car.

Yeah, there was a period of like five years where everybody was like remote controlling cars, yes.

Absolutely.

Which would be incredible if at some point the MC of the monster show Monster Channel said I played this, this family like a harp from hell.

But he but he doesn't.

It's not that kind.

It's not that kind of show.

Regardless, we all spent Brandon and I certainly spent the entirety of the of the show's runtime waiting for this to be a bomb.

Screaming for it to blow the car up, please.

I I was like, oh, they're going to blow it up when they try to leave and that's when it's going to happen.

Oh, that would have been so good.

I also love how the remote control is just a a like a black box with a antenna on it and just a like a spring on the.

Side, Yeah, yeah.

Good enough.

Good.

Enough.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to Horrorland.

There is a capitalized E at the end of Welcome to graphic Design, continuing to be my passion.

I thought you were doing a Matt Berry.

Welcome.

E Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome to Horrorland.

How many times do you think they had to do a had to redo that take of Lizzie saying what's a horror?

The Horror Land Horrors welcome you to Horror Land.

What's a horror?

Because, you know, you know, they were like, oh, yeah, no, sorry.

That's a little too close to horror, Lizzie.

The entire stream people kept accidentally doing so.

We had to make a thing of it where it's like horror.

Horror.

What's a horror?

We're going to Horrorland.

We're going to see the horse.

This is Horrorland.

This is Horrorland.

Welcome.

They're trying to avoid a a nick or treat.

Yeah.

If you want to, well, I, I, we should not play it here.

But no, we should not there.

Was there was a an event hosted on Nickelodeon called Nick or Treat?

Oh my God.

You say it fast.

It's the thing it like it I can.

Tell you like he's doing it on purpose, it sounds.

It is it is so bad that I've seen on TikTok people taking that clip and and reacting to it like what I heard what you said one more, one more time.

I heard what you said.

It's bad.

It's really bad.

That's.

One of those, it's like you got to have a pause in there.

Yeah, you really have to more treat.

Yeah, exactly.

But oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Yeah, it's a wee.

OK, so we get a horror, a horror, and this horror is done really well.

It's a really good looking costume, yeah.

Yeah, I quite like it, especially this guy who has a striped shirt, a red and white striped shirt with suspenders.

And.

A bow tie, This dude.

I honestly I like the horrors.

Like, the horrors in here are pretty goddamn good.

I agree, I I like them a lot.

Yeah, and one thing you cannot say of the episode, you cannot accuse them of not having ambition.

This is extremely ambitious.

They probably pushed their budget.

They probably pushed themselves to the breaking.

Point they have at least they had.

Ideas.

I can tell you from the Ghoul cast, they have at least like 5 separate horror costumes.

I mean like in addition to the different kinds of horrors, I mean like the, the, the generic good looking costume, they have at least five of those because like they line them all up in the, in the ghoul cast segments.

So like, that's a lot of time and effort they had to do to make that.

But to point also the that guy with the stripes gives them free admission and says have a scary day and.

Gives them finger guns when they leave.

Yeah, he gives.

He gives.

Yeah, he gives a little finger gun, point.

Finger gun.

Yeah, they're like which way to go?

And he gives a little finger gun point.

Yeah, it's a great.

It's great.

And then we cut to.

The Green Goblin a.

Much worse looking horror.

But but I learned, I learned just today by linking to the trailer which you can find on YouTube for the Goosebumps Escape from Horrorland video game, that that is the horror costume from that game that was not made by Fox Kids for the show, that was literally like leftover from the game.

From the game.

So I'm guessing that like they had access to it.

I, I mean, I guess they literally like got it from DreamWorks or, or DreamWorks made it in conjunction with like, I, I, I am pretty sure that that same horror costume appears in an episode of Power Rangers in space.

I feel really sure about this.

I feel like it pops up in other Fox Kids projects.

So I'm wondering if it was made like in conjunction with like Hain Saban or something.

Do you know what, like, you know what I mean?

That like 'cause they, they did make their own costumes for the American Power Rangers.

So I'm, I'm, I'm wondering this, this obviously got tossed around this, this costume was really a sort of, you know, workhorse costume, but it, it does look bad.

It does look not not exactly good, but what looks very good is the severed head that he's holding.

They have some great decapitation puns.

She says stay off the guillotine, ride sharp turns and then he like, berates her a little bit for talking and then she he goes.

She always likes to stick her neck out where it doesn't belong.

Yeah, pretty good stuff.

It's good because also, you know, I'm sure that this raised a lot of eyebrows internally when they're like, there's gonna be a part where a guy's hearing a severed human head.

So they make it super goofy.

It's a it's really charming.

I.

Think I think it's better than the book version.

I think that the head talking is actually a lot better.

Than I think they kind of had to to make it like less spooky.

Yeah, I mean, it is funnier and therefore less like threatening, but it also makes it feel more bizarre, right?

Because like before you argue, is this a decoration?

But now it's like how they do that.

You know, she's the person that didn't die twice.

She is, She is.

Can we get a shout out to the skull that is adorned on top of the CCTV?

Yes, I have the same note of little plastic Halloween skull on the security cameras.

Also Dad, we didn't mention this in the books in the synopsis, but the dad letting the kids wander off into an amusement park on my own is the most.

This book and TV show were made in the 90s thing you could possibly be putting here.

You know what I mean?

That would not fly in in a post 2000s piece of media.

What happens next?

The kids explore Horrorland, which I must stress, whatever image of horror land you have in your head, it is decidedly not that.

Yes, it's a part.

They are in the middle of the woods.

They are using construction paper, big pieces of wooden fence and a cloth to make front like sort of entrances to places and then shooting in different areas with different interiors.

It has it has real your local Renfair vibe to us.

Like also, they the show does illustrate there are other people in the park is like a crying child walks by them or whatever, and the kids are freaked out and then we meet our dissenting horror.

Yeah.

Who?

In the beginning, I think he's doing a Peter Lorre voice when he tells the kids to get out.

And then Lizzie's like, what do you mean?

What the fuck do you think he means?

Lizzie, get out.

Like you fucking Yeah.

I don't know man, What do you?

Think it's a mystery?

Did.

You guys know that this horror has a name?

Yes, I remember him saying his name, but I don't know what it was like.

It's black.

Black.

Yes, black.

Black, good name for a horror.

Just FYI, we're gonna see him again, but Neil Crone is the person who plays Black and also an upcoming horror as well as the makeup artist horror, which yeah, we're definitely going to talk about.

That yeah, we'll talk about that one.

They all you would remember them as the person who played Mr.

Chesney in the Ghost Next Door Shotgun guy.

Oh the the mailman guy.

Oh wow he got around.

He was a workhorse for this episode for sure.

Also.

Luke's actor Michael Kayla was also known for voicing DW Reed in the PBS animated series Arthur That's first three seasons.

That messed me up.

That's great.

That seriously messed me up.

Learning that that DW Arthur's sister is voiced by this dude like that fucked me up in a big way.

Because also, I'd like to point out these these children are genuinely terrible actors.

These children are among the worst we have.

Seen in Christmas, yeah.

But maybe, like, it's one of those things where they just weren't, you know, they were just like, pulled in off the street essentially, or their parents knew somebody.

Well, I mean, evidently he's a decent enough voice actor because he, I don't recall thinking that DW sounded terrible on Arthur, you know what I mean?

So like.

DW sounded like it was a pro voice actor so.

So it was him so.

Who knows?

It is mysterious how actors get their performances.

No one knows.

But nevertheless, they are bad in this episode of television.

They're very bad.

We skip the Doom slide entirely and go straight to the Hall of Mirrors.

Fucking bullshit.

I know no budget for the Doom slide in this episode, which like it's a slide of the dark room.

How difficult is that to do?

But nevertheless.

When Luke hits tries to go and when they both try to go into that one, it was across from the House of Mirrors.

But Luke's actor kind of playfully hits the the one of the decorations, the skull decoration in the building right before they go in.

And I was like, no, don't do that.

It's going to fall off.

That's a hot glue is not it's not stable enough.

My God.

It's a load bearing skull.

You can't do it.

Like please don't.

The mirror scene goes on for way too long.

I just got to say that right now and it's.

Very very funny with a wonderful comp shot.

Of.

Fucking Lizzie.

Just like on her back.

Like making a motion.

Like pretending to fall.

Into the void.

Yeah, into the fucking void.

I do.

I do.

Like Lizzie does a really good pirouette.

Yeah, I I noticed that too.

Is like, what a weird little moment, but it's good, yeah.

Also the mirror scene adds in a random mirror monster, which yes OK.

Does not come up later.

Yeah, not explained, not explained.

He's just there, he's part of it.

He's just there, he's part of it.

I love how nothing in this area, in this mirror, a maze of mirrors, looks stable and everything looks like it's going to fall over at any moment.

I said here, there's a lot of effort here.

It's just not scary and actually pretty boring.

So it's an A for effort, but B for but babies bored.

Also, the monster just kind of stands there.

Yeah.

Menacingly, as Patrick Starr might say.

Bad scene not.

Menacingly, as Patrick Starr would do.

He's just standing there menacingly, menacingly.

Ad Break Ad Break Is this the first time we get to see the ghouls?

We the the horrors.

You are right, Bob.

This is our first ghoul cast, which by the way, they're calling it a ghoul cast.

This is for like broadcast, but it's so hard to imagine that in a world where podcasts now exist.

So now I'm matching the the the door is having a podcast.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, isn't that just you can't scare?

Me.

It's just what we're doing.

It's the mask, Mask off.

And I'm a monster too, yes.

And I take off my mask and I'm a lizard person too.

At So catch the Horrors who are holding a a skeleton and they are announcing that we'll be right back.

That's really all that happens, but.

So can you tell me what will

play at 9:30 AM?

Oh.

Pop, I can do better than tell you I can wrap it for you because they wrap the days the mornings line up.

Thank you.

It's Sam and Max are up next and they're on patrol, followed by Louie and his dad.

I think they say who's in the know.

Then come the X-Men with justice as their goal.

OK.

Great.

Sure, at the end, because Fox Kids rocks kids breaking up the rhyme scheme.

Yep.

Yeah.

Also, Fox Kids rocks kids.

Well, you weren't.

You were just rapping.

You didn't.

You weren't rocking anything rapping.

Rocks is the same shit.

It's the same stuff.

Fox.

Fox Kids raps kids.

It's all sounds.

We can't say that.

You can't put Fox Kids raps kids on there.

Oh my God, beetle boards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my God, fucking beetleboards.

Holy shit.

This point, apparently we were already in Beetleborgs Metallics, which is wild to think because I don't remember that I heard that being a much later thing, but I certainly remember watching Beetleborgs Fox Kids New November.

That's right, because they were talking about New November.

Everything in November is new this month, including new episodes of Beetleborgs Metallics commercial for precious metals.

You melt your own metal and make jewelry.

What the fuck is with my comment was what the fuck again?

Only in the 90s could you have a product where evidently you just super heat metal and create.

Precious gems in your home.

Don't burn your home down, please.

This item had to pull up the market like within three weeks tops.

Or it was like wax.

It could.

Well, it looked.

I will.

Yeah, it probably was a real medal.

Truthfully it.

Looks like pewter.

Maybe it's yeah.

It's.

Pooter Anyway, this commercial actually is is a set up call back.

We will come back to this Nickelodeon commercial.

I have no recollection of never done doing Nickelodeon being a being a catch phrase for that network, but I guess it was the most important fucking commercial.

I have like just pause for a second.

We're not even talking about Goosebumps anymore.

We're not talking about this commercial.

It's a commercial for game.com or game.com, a handheld portable gaming device billed as the ultimate portable gaming system, in which a person gets up and says he's got a surprise for all the slackers who have nothing better to do than play games and surf the net all day.

But and he says like, feast your bloodshot eyes on this.

And it's a handheld piece of shit that has speakers and it begs to be touched.

He says to them in a sentence that I don't like it has a touchscreen.

So fucking Mueller, Nintendo.

It has the Internet.

It has more somethings than you have brain cells.

It says it has more.

Games than you have any idiots have brain cells I believe.

And it pans over.

It cuts to a guy, a shot of one of the gamers in the audience looking very dumb.

Yeah, an interesting commercial.

It plays Duke Nukem, I can tell you that.

In black and.

White Well, there's a picture of Duke Nukem.

Yeah, there's a picture of Duke Nukem.

You're right.

This is an amazing excerpt from a time when games commercials were like, directly insulting their audience.

I feel like it's the Sega energy.

It's the Sega energy, yeah.

It's from that time when, like, advertisements and game magazines were frequently like, we're going to be so edgy.

And toxic it's gonna be.

Yeah, like a picture of like, a baby doll set on fire.

And it's gonna be like, your parents don't even fucking know what this is and it's Donkey Kong Country.

It's like Sega doesn't intend don't and it's Sonic the Hedgehog having sex with the woman.

That's the only thing this commercial is missing is the there being like a very attractive woman involved in some capacity.

That's all that's missing for the complete 90s video game experience.

Yeah, the buy this and you'll get laid.

It's Sonic, doesn't Nintendo, and it's that picture I sent you of Garfield with the huge penis.

Yeah.

Also, thank you for telling everybody.

Yeah.

No.

No context.

No context.

I will give.

I will give no.

I will give.

Thank you by the.

Way as I sent you.

Your weekly picture of Garfield having his balls deflated with high heels.

I wasn't going to want to be the brochure, but you know.

I I feel like giving context to it would only diminish its power.

It's true.

It's true.

Here's the thing, I don't actually know the context.

I We were at a party and someone walked in and pinned this to the refrigerator.

Like they didn't live there, they weren't invited.

No, they did not live there.

They were invited to the party, yes.

It was also half torn, so someone evidently made an attempt to destroy it and was stopped.

And she just, she just walked in, put it in the fridge and like walked out.

So a couple notes about the game.

Com Yeah it it is in fact called thegame.com.

OK, that sucks.

It's by Tiger.

Of course it is.

Thegame.com was the first video game console to feature a touch screen.

Fuck you, Nintendo and.

Also the first handheld console to have Internet connectivity.

Obviously.

Because it's called thegame.com.

The games listed for thegame.com rival the list of cancelled games for thegame.com.

So.

That tells you anything about it.

Highlights include Resident Evil 2, Sonic Jam, OK, Wheel of Fortune, and Wheel of Fortune 2.

OK, that one I believe for sure.

That's Batman and Robin.

That should give you a good time frame.

It had let.

Me tell you it had solitaire built in OK, and it had Frogger.

We have to stream Resident Evil 2 on game.com.

I am very curious about Rezi 2 on game.com.

Is it the?

Is it the Gameboy version do you think?

So I I doubt it.

So I opened up the Wikipedia article for thegame.com and you know how when you click links, they're like purple?

And so they let you know that you've already been there?

None of this.

Nothing on this page is purple except the link to Resident Evil 2 for thegame.com.

I have at some point in my life looked at the fucking Wikipedia page for Resident Evil 2 for thegame.com and I have no idea why.

That's haunting.

Some cancelled games for thegame.com, game.com include Metal Gear Solid.

Deer.

Hunter just makes me think of the movie.

Sure.

A Bug's Life.

Castlevania.

Symphony of the Night.

What?

Kirby Land, OH.

Boy.

Sonic 3D blast small soldiers.

OK.

And a game called Name that Tune, Wow and Turok Dinosaur.

I wonder wow this thing looks like like Wonder Swan level of quality or of like ability to played black and white graphics.

I wonder if some of these were meant to be Wonder Swan ports, because the Wonder Swan was not like a big deal in America, if it was even released here.

Fascinating.

It's really interesting because it like this actually did a lot.

Of it did.

Before a lot of but.

I mean in it.

Gadget noted in 2006 quote You can't fault Tiger Electronics for their ambition, but wrote that game.com didn't do any one thing particularly well.

Well, I mean, it's literally is.

This is describing a Nintendo DS, so.

Also Internet access was access was text only.

Oh, all you, all you fucking slackers out there, enjoy that.

By this you fucking idiots.

Anyway, new November continues more new shit.

New new not November continues as Beetleborg's Metallics is here again and Spider Man I think and some other you know all your favorite shit I.

Completely forgot that life of Louie was a thing.

Life of Louie, also Stupid Invaders.

There are a couple of clips from Stupid Invaders on there too, which I played the pointing hook adventure game of because I thought it was like the Saturday morning cartoon.

It wasn't.

It was much hornier.

Anyway, the horrors are back and the ghoul cast continues and they sing.

And now back to our show.

Cut to mom and dad because we ran out of money for sets.

With with Harry Potter looking theming of the flags next one also appreciate much appreciated the amount of skulls in this.

Oh yeah, yes.

So.

We get a new I'm, I'm so sorry, a horror.

Yeah, we, we need some snacks, y'all We got to get some snacks.

So we the mom and dad are looking for some drinks.

They got to get some drinks.

I love that the the bartender here gives dad a playful slug on the shoulder, which apparently really hurt him so.

He also sounds like Pete from Goof Troop.

The voice that he's doing, I think he's like doing a weird, like nearly a prospector, but it's kind of peaty.

It's like really jowly Hello.

Oh, there, hoax.

You look mighty thirsty.

How do you like a nice monster punch?

Well.

All righty then, 2 monster punches.

2 monster punches coming right up.

You guys help me out with this because this this scene of mom and dad getting a drink, getting 2 drinks is intercut with Lizzie getting I don't know attacked by mirrors, having them slowly like enclosed on her, which she puts her hand on one at one point and it clearly starts to give way.

So I don't believe this for a second.

It's.

Just like.

Any resistance at all, like and they'll.

No, certainly it's not good.

So looking at this again, I didn't really catch it when I was watching it the first time, but it looks like the bartender, in order to make these drinks, lifts up his fingernail and squirts out ooze from the from the.

His finger.

Yeah, he's squirting.

Yeah, he's squirting monster goo into it.

For sure.

Yeah, into only one of them.

He only does it into one of them.

I like how and the and the parents are disgusted by this, but like at this point they think it's just a guy, right?

What what do they think he's doing?

What he's doing in there?

Like like.

Also, can we talk about the dinosaur heads?

Yes please.

These are also the most bought at a Halloween store or like a novelty good store thing I've ever seen.

Those are like like the.

Fucking Jurassic Park.

Yeah, Jurassic Park.

Legitimately Jurassic Park.

Repainted velociraptors.

Yeah, they're literally, they look like they're velociraptors from Jurassic Park that have been repainted blue.

I, I I'm in love with them.

Like I'm I'm obsessed with them.

I again again the budget was showing so hard.

It's extremely good.

Also, like, definitely these, these mirrors are like that reflective film.

They're not actually mirrors.

Those aren't glass.

You can see when she puts her hands on it that they bend.

Yeah.

Yeah, the the strange barkeep informs mom and dad that there are no phones, and then a very weird scene happens where they mention the kids and he's like, you got children here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Man, I think I thought you guys had fucking hidden cameras everywhere, you dumbass.

Like, no, we came to Horrorland on our own.

Yeah, like.

So yeah, the scene we already talked about where Lizzie is like on the on a green screen and she's.

Cast into the void.

Into the void.

And then she one of the worst line deliveries I've ever heard in my life of the they tried to crush me.

That makes it scary, this place.

Is awesome.

Go another ride.

Are you crazy they tried to crush?

Me.

That makes it too scary.

One more ride.

So we jump right to the coffin cruise.

Yeah, and this does not feature Mom and dad, but Mom and Dad are watching people enter the House of horrors of presumably up from what Mom picks up on against their will.

And Dad goes to investigate, promptly finds nothing.

He looks, he looks at the sign that says horrors only, no humans allowed, and then looks like, you know, sassy at the wife.

He's like, there was nothing here.

Yeah, leave your husband.

And this is the.

Part where I was legitimately worried for the actors in this.

Yeah.

So yes, it.

Seems like they just straight up bought coffins.

Yep, it sure looks like.

It coffins.

It certainly.

Looks like Yeah, they look Really.

Legitimately look real and considering the budget of everything else and the fact that they're reusing one of their monster monster costumes and just putting an eye patch on him and having him be like the doc guy the the the Carney helping with the fucking like sending off of the fucking coffins, those are probably real.

Anyway.

Seeing these children in these child coffins is very upsetting.

Anyway, Smash cut 2.

We got another fucking skull y'all?

Every.

Fucking camera.

Every CCTV camera in this park has a little skull.

This one looks like it has sunglasses on top of it.

But yeah, every single one.

I love it every time.

It makes me laugh every time.

Also, you can clearly see as they're turning it, it's clearly just someone holding the pole and then trying to keep keep it as still as possible as they turn it to get the shots.

So it's very I appreciate it.

Also, this is when the the coffin lids close and the coffin lid clearly slaps Luke's actor in the.

Head.

And gets, yeah, it legitimately looks like it.

I mean, it is covered in like fabric, so it probably didn't hurt that much.

But like, I don't think he was ready for that, guys.

No, he was very definitely not supposed to be sitting up when that lid closed or they didn't tell him it was in a clothes or something.

Yeah, but closed it closed too early.

It it bat it banks him right in the noggin.

Yeah.

It gets some good.

Obviously no one died, but like dude, that having the kids in the fucking water and risking that, like I don't think that you could fly with this shit today.

I also I have to assume they were not made to stay in the coffins.

Oh.

Absolutely not.

Because there is also part where the coffins are going down the stream and one fucking slams into a rock.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, those are, those are totally empty.

I mean, if they fucking knew what they were doing.

So yeah, they they get out.

Luke sees a spider, but looks back and doesn't see a spider.

Yeah.

So, so yeah, Goosebumps, goosebumps.

We come back.

We, we meander through the woods a little bit more.

And then the family finally reunites in a fucking egregious a jump scare.

Another yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another dad scare someone from behind and then Dad.

It's Dad, It's everybody.

It's Dad.

It's always Dad.

So we get some shots of the, the, the horrors.

I keep wanting to call them monsters and that's that's just rude.

I mean, they are on the monster channel, so yeah.

But I but I think we can assume that monsters are are horrors are a species of monsters.

Yeah, I think we can assume that.

I think it's like how people who work at Target are like team members, you know, It's like if.

You maybe?

Horror land.

You are a horror land.

Horror maybe, but then they get like I I just wonder, like what is the difference between the mirror thing and the horrors themselves, right?

Is that a horror because it's not one of the same species of monster, right, like or variety, Although the bad looking horrors do look quite different, the good looking horrors.

So like, you know, costume wise, so like, I don't know, I don't know monster monster, you know, the the makeup of monster society is is a mystery to me and I'd love it if I also explored it more yes.

Maybe he will in future episodes.

Maybe he will.

No exit.

No one leaves Horrorland alive.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

And then we get more ghoul cast.

Ghoul Cast.

Yeah, I didn't get this one.

I don't know what this means.

It looked like one of them was pretending to ride a motorcycle, and I really don't know what that was about.

I don't really know what that was.

I feel like it.

Was sunglasses though, so that's.

Fucking it was cool.

It was a little bit like the Tim Robinson bit with the with with the game show, with the chunky.

It's like you got the chunky and it's like he comes out.

He's like we you got to work out something to do, buddy.

You got you said you're practicing.

So we get a Kraft Macaroni and cheese.

If you all remember the old 3D.

Yeah, craft macaroni and cheese commercials, which.

Were goofiness phlebloni a bizarre phenomenoni?

Yeah.

And then we get the nightmare news.

Yes, Fox Kids.

The Fox Kids logo has been delightfully adorned with a little 3D skull.

And we get live at Horrorland.

We've got a reporter named Henry Horror.

And he announces that Sam and Max are missing in Horrorland, but none of these horrors seems to know where they've gone until a cockney horror appears to be hiding them in his shirt at something.

It's something.

It's something.

So then we cut.

Yeah, we that was pretty quick.

So we come back to more horror land.

Yeah.

It's basically the family looking out a gate at their car that they can't get to because the gate is preventing them from getting out.

That this is when we get our Karen moments from dad where he is going to speak to the manager.

This is when the car should have fucking exploded first of all.

When they were looking out at the gate, I I was thinking like, oh, they're probably not going to do it in this episode because they it's a 2 parter.

They probably want to set up that the car is going to explode so that the next episode is like this cool thing.

I thought I thought it might end with the car exploding like as the cliffhanger.

I was hoping, yeah.

Instead, it's an extremely limp ass.

The horrors come out and they're like.

You can't leave and.

Then it literally like a horn just like walks forward and it's like and end and end.

Also, it's the the makeup around the actor's eyes is starting to.

Yeah, yeah.

Probably because of all the sweat, which I don't think I've mentioned it other than at the very beginning but very very sweaty episode of.

Goosebumps.

The kids were sweating profusely in the the mirror maze.

They were also sweating.

Lizzie in particular was sweating quite a lot in the coffin.

Yeah, this is very definitely filmed in the woods in summer, like.

Yeah.

And then did you get the credit sequence where it cuts off Chris Leary and he says, hey, it's Chris, Chris Leary.

And OK, I'll admit it, I'm starting to get the creeps.

We're less than 24 hours away from the Fox Kids Countdown Halloween Spooktacular, and we're doing it from a creepy and then the air that said in.

Listen, broadcast TV is hard.

Yeah.

I mean everything out is.

That that that could have been the the the video editor himself that did that cut it there but.

That would have been funny.

Nevertheless, I would have done it as a joke.

It just reminded me that there's an ad for it later in this episode where they mentioned that Goosebumps is on Monday through Thursday as well.

Because I remember they premiered Tower of Terror or Night in Terror Tower on a Thursday or whatever.

I remember this being a big deal that it was on in a week so I was like wow, I'm being taken back to a time when Fox would pretend to show shows I cared about for like 2 hours a day, but never the hours when I was able to watch them.

Anyway, Part 2.

The opening's still bad.

Recap in the commercial break.

And then we get Barbie.

I love Barbie.

We'll be right.

Oh, no, that's right.

That's right.

Before we get anything we have to talk about, well, I mean, we do get Barbie.

A puking Backstreet Boy.

We have to talk about the second episode of this aired the first weekend of November in 1997, and the hosts were the Backstreet Boys.

Adam amusement park.

So they did have a a thought here.

Like a Halloween weekend.

First part of Horrorland November.

What can we do?

Theme park shit, right, Get the Backstreet Boys.

So yeah, we get to Nick Carter, who says we'll be right back with more chili cheese dogs on Fox Kids twirling her.

Earl, we'll be right back.

With more.

Chili cheese.

Dogs on Fox Kids.

Twirling.

And they're on a one of those, like, spinning cup rides where everybody is miming puking.

Yeah, they're miming puking around him very badly Puping.

Puping did you see?

Did you enjoy Bob the Barbie commercial that cuts to the car crash?

The like, I'm cool something Barbie got to.

I'm cool shopping, Barbie got.

Thursday Cool shopping Barbie gotta fuck right off.

Cool shopping Barbie.

It's incredible.

But also anyway, Goosebumps is on Monday through Thursday.

Wild to air that commercial, though, because it spoils the ending of the episode they're showing.

What a what a weird thing to air.

Yeah, it's like here, here, don't, don't worry, here.

Here's a little teaser for what's coming.

Up and then now back to our show.

Hey, where'd my chili cheese dog go?

And then we look over at another Backstreet Boy.

He was puking.

I guess he, I guess he ate Nick Carter's The Chili Cheese Dog secretly and got sick from it.

I don't know.

I'm confused by what the narrative here is.

No, I think, I think what was supposed to have happened was that the chili cheese dog fell and his puking friends laugh.

Oh, OK.

I mean that it's not good.

No, there's another part somewhere in here.

No, they're not good at this, I must stress.

Well, also, I would, I would just I would be empathetic here and say also they're being put in a pretty like rough position.

Yeah.

Nick Carter.

It has to talk the entire rest of the group, who is plainly terrible at acting or doing anything, at some point in the episode.

The joke is supposed to be that they're riding down a whitewater rafting kind of ride, and one of them gets the idea to bring an umbrella to block himself from getting wet, and it doesn't work because some of the water comes up underneath the umbrella, which he's holding nearly sideways.

Oh, that line is.

But the way that he says it, the the way that the first person prompts that he is using the umbrella to block the water from the ride to keep from getting wet, is there's a pretty cool technology here.

And you're like what the fuck is happening you?

Know they always have some.

Pretty.

Cool guys.

And then when he gets splashed, Nick Carter has to say, don't you see umbrellas only work when water comes from above you?

See.

Umbrellas only work when water comes from.

Above.

Yeah, I got it, genius.

Thanks.

It's literally.

It sounds.

It sounds like a line of dialogue from Cipher, the OVA like.

It's yeah, it sounds like it, like, like something like a person translated this pretty badly, like an ESL person had to translate it.

I love him.

Can I get to meet him?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's it's like, seriously.

It's it's pretty wild, like.

Space alien language.

It's it's very, very space alien.

You have to understand they were, they were literally in a whitewater raft when they were trying to record that.

And I would bet they literally gave them like maybe 30 seconds of prep.

Time they didn't tell for.

What they had to do like.

Oh the joke is that you have an umbrella.

Go for it.

If we were there would be like a friend.

Water, Water block umbrellas.

He'd be like.

Fuck fuck fuck shit.

He'd be like, throw that, throw that fucking thing in the drink, my dude, and then follow.

Yourself.

It's way easier than trying to say lines to a camera.

You'd be like umbrellas only.

Oh God.

Our our goal.

Well, right now, listen, we have, we have, we are a boy band for teen girls who scream when we appear.

We need to look like we're having fun together, which is what we definitely do all the time.

What's the most fun we can have?

Like a fun adventure?

Well, what if we were in a murder mystery?

What if Mikey died?

I don't know if there's a Mikey.

Maybe he is.

There must be a Mikey, right?

Surely.

Yeah, what if Mikey died?

We have to investigate his murder mystery.

Why do I have to die?

He looks at him intensely, having fun together.

I'm pretty sure that's the the premise of the the movie Josie and the Pussycats.

Well, the murder mystery isn't, but I think the killing off of boy bat members is we.

Want to get back to the?

Yeah, we return return to the the the dad discovering that the monsters are real.

Tries to pull the mask off, but which he clearly can do.

He can do.

He can do it, yeah.

But he decides to stop and says oh it's real.

They just have really loose skin.

They have this really loose skin.

They are then chased into the exact place where they should go.

Yeah, which is the place that dad and mom noticed the distressed people were going into before.

Yep.

So they run in there and oh, what's this?

The the.

You do the game show.

Well, his, his game show voice is different than than what I would do 'cause he was like, he did like a well, hey guys, it's me.

I mean, like he's nearly Beetlejuicing like 'cause first of all, the MC is a man first right off the bat.

And so I I reject this.

That man's name is.

This is retch retch.

He has a last name.

He does.

He does.

Yes, he does.

What's his last name?

Retch.

Sniff.

Retch.

Sniff.

OK, doesn't really work exactly, but OK retch.

It will when you realize that his assistant is named.

Hollytosis.

Hollytosis.

Yeah, now that one I know.

Smelling stinky breath, that is.

Also the MCS like he does a lot of he laughs a lot is his like you know what I mean?

He does like a lot of I I don't.

He's very jokey.

He's jovial, I said.

Who's there?

Let's hear it for the Morris family, everybody for the Morrises.

Come on down folks.

Watch the Morrison's.

What is this?

Isn't she terrific?

He doesn't have charisma, he just has a lot of laughs.

He has forward momentum.

Yeah, Gretch.

Sniff is rizzless.

Yeah, I think he is Rizzless.

He has no, no.

No sauce.

It's Horryland hidden camera, and then we get to watch a bunch of, oh, the horrible composite shot of the audience they keep cutting to.

Oh my God.

Literally only having a certain amount of the the costumes and then having to repeat them over and over in different like patterns.

I don't know how to explain it, but looking at it makes me kind of kind of sick.

I'm disgusted by it.

And then let's see here.

Oh yeah, we get to look at some slow MO clips of the episode we just watched.

Yep, basically the family watches the episode of Goosebumps in a really quick cut fashion.

Self-contained clip show.

But I guess if you had to wait a week, it wouldn't be quite so bad.

Yeah.

And then he says, we have another show coming up, a game show.

And then he, like, he says they want to go home.

He's like, you can't go home because if you do, you won't get that new car.

And they're like, what?

Well, what new car?

We'll just have to give that car to some of their family.

He keeps drawing out words.

Yeah, it's a brand new sports utility vehicle.

Yeah, it's the it's the adhesive medical strips.

He can't say Toyota.

Yes, so prepare for the rest of this episode where if you were going to play a drinking game while watching it, after the goosebumps, they will say sports utility vehicle so many fucking times.

Kind of.

A car.

A brand new sports utility vehicle.

Sports.

Utility Vehicle.

Sports utility vehicle Sports utility vehicle Sport utility vehicle Sports utility vehicle.

Was SUV not like a common parlance at this point?

I'm so confused I think.

Probably not actually because like otherwise.

Or maybe they just thought like kids wouldn't understand it.

SUV.

But they would understand sports utility vehicle.

Yeah, who knows?

I mean they show a picture of it.

They could have just said SUV, but like I guess monsters would probably want to spell it out because they have no use for such a thing.

I.

Don't like it's?

Also just said car.

Car.

Brand new car, yeah, that would have worked even if it wasn't just like a car.

I don't know, maybe maybe somebody on the staff was like really anal about it.

Sports utility vehicle is more word space than car.

It's like they just need to add seconds to the the runtime.

Because I, I think we're losing focus, I want to just bring it back to the core story of this episode, which is impossible to pay attention to because of the hilarious string of Christmas lights that are directly behind the family the entire time they're having a conversation with Rech.

Sniff.

Well, they, you know, they ran out of lights in the Halloween section already.

They had to, It was a classic blender.

They needed to get more decorations and the Halloween decorations were already being taken down because the Christmas decorations being put up.

So they had to just, you know, use what they could get.

Some skulls here, some Christmas lights there, maybe a menorah, you know?

Yeah, there's some there's that would be so fucking funny.

There's some menorah in the background.

Our Candelabra is a menorah I.

Fucking love Wretch.

It looks like the producer, Yep, who is just in the blue version of the same monster suit, but he's got a headset on Yep Yep, I love it and then.

We go, we cut to the really weird scene where the family goes to make up.

I don't know what to fucking make of this.

I feel like, here's the thing, I feel like it's I should think that this is an unfortunate and regressive gay stereotype character if I don't know what their fucking stereotype like, you know, you know, like it is a stereotype and but the voice is not on the same page as the script.

It's weird.

It's really weird.

Oh.

My stars.

Oh.

My word.

Well, there's not much I can do with them, is there?

Oh, well, they call me the miracle Worker.

All right, come along.

Sit down.

Sit, Sit.

Don't lollygag Now.

We haven't got all day.

Right there we are.

The energy is bizarre in this scene.

It's.

Very strange.

It gets even stranger when this makeup artist offers the family some some snacks.

Which one of them is Ear of Holyfield?

Yep.

I don't know.

That made me think that I'll I have Doyle with something, but as far as I can tell it's not.

So I don't know.

I don't know what that's about I.

Think they were just riffin.

He's just riffin but ear of Holyfield.

Yes, of course, a reference to Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson's fight where Mike Tyson ate the ear the ear of Evander Holyfield.

But like did he or rather or rather bit off the ear?

I don't think he I don't think he ate it that that I think he bit off if he if yeah, they are eating the ear of Evander Holyfield, or rather the many years of the fan or Holyfield.

I don't really know what the I don't know what the fucking I don't know.

It's probably like a like a just a named dish at that point.

We're just dropping this for the the parents at home or to be socially relevant.

This is for the kid and all.

Of them, we want to date this episode specifically.

And then everyone's really impressed by how nice this makeup artist is and they touch their noses with a like a powder puff thing and and that's it.

That's the whole scene.

And I don't know, I don't know what it's there for.

I don't know what the fuck it was.

Just boops everyone snoot and then everyone comes out and Yep, more game show I.

Was like, here is the scene for you.

I just feel like considering how much the family is sweating constantly, I can't imagine what it it must be like to be one of the actors in the fucking full suit and makeup.

That's nuts.

It's got to be bad.

It's got to be rough.

Oh.

My God.

And they're trying.

Really.

They are trying really hard.

There's no reference in the trivia to like anyone saying and I almost died on the set of Goosebumps, but I could believe it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, OK, so this is basically like Wheel of Fortune.

And yeah, so it's with some fucking trading card fucking shit.

Yeah, I don't understand.

I mean.

It's funny because at a certain point the the up Wretch says like, you know, tries to explain the rules and then I think it was the mom or the dad who says like, I, I don't understand.

And he's like, yeah, no one does.

Anyway.

Moving.

On yeah, I I think it's not even supposed to make sense.

Don't worry, you know, but it is weird.

It doesn't.

It's very like what are the rules?

Like, yeah, wait, what's going on?

And so, yeah, basically, you know, you pick a card and then that card, it doesn't matter.

It's Wheel of Fortune.

They're trying to figure out what the the the phrase behind them says.

And they get money from the cards and they get money in human American dollars.

I don't.

Yeah.

OK.

MTV Monster TV deals out some fucking hard cash.

So yeah, the dad starts this terrible round of Wheel of Fortune by not guessing a bunch of vowels and just starts to go fucking hog wild.

With like.

Like fucking M Like what M?

OK, Thankfully for him, he makes a bunch of guesses.

So yeah, I don't want to get too ahead of ourselves.

They're going to get in the middle of things.

They start to figure it out.

They get an F, they get an I.

And then and then we have a wonderful commercial for.

Crossfire.

You'll get caught up in the crossfire.

Crossfire.

So this is basically a commercial for a monster album with two people in the the monster costumes the horror land horror costumes in.

Having a picnic in a field, basically.

A picnic and appealed and and So what we've got going on and I just said picnic and appealed so that then.

That's we're all there.

We've got a bunch of wonderful monster themed songs.

We've got your heart is in my pocket and your lips are in my drawer.

Yep, which wart to wart?

I want to hold your claws.

We've got so monster love.

50.

50.

Monster.

Love.

My flesh is crawling over to you, is the last of the name.

Yeah, and more so monster love hits so.

Monster love hits.

And y'all, if you want this album right now, dial 1700 Monster.

I love it.

That would be that's all you need to dial is if no other company uses uses Monster.

Hold on.

Oh no.

Are you going to call them?

They're Canadian.

You know you're going to go to jail.

I'm going to go to jail and oh, it's all.

It's just 666.

But don't tell the kids at home that.

700-666-7837 Let's give them a call your.

Call.

Cannot be completed as dial well.

Please check the number and dial again.

Well, well what?

If I do 1700.

Yeah, it's an international call.

It cannot be completed.

I'm.

Scared it can be completed but we'd really rather not.

We'd rather not do this.

We don't want to tell you about the hidden world of monsters that exists in several deserted areas in around you.

Your number and location have been logged.

The American government appreciates your cooperation.

So yeah, we we come back to the game show the kids guess.

The kids already did it off screen, which it's like if I were the audience.

Specifically note Yeah.

If the audience be like fuck you.

Wretch.

So because he's an idiot, was his name Luke?

Luke guesses.

OK, so it's the monster.

The Morris family is Lu Blank, Blank, blank.

So Luke guesses Lucky.

Yeah, but there's a why in family, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, you.

Dumbass.

Because of this horrible mistake that Luke has made, they are pelted with worms.

Yeah, and then snakes also.

Snakes.

The horrors, they say they win a bucket of worms they dump on them, but then you can see from the audience that horrors are throwing rubber snakes on them.

OK, so that leads the mom to figure out the puzzle and figure out what it says.

And it's the Morris family is lunch.

What could it mean?

Who knows?

And then we we get a diegetic commercial break where Rhett says we're going to coming back for a few messages, so buckle up.

And then here we are.

With that I said we come back to it.

Gendered children's toy alert.

The metal molder.

It's the exact same fucking thing as precious metals.

The thing where you make jewelry, but instead it's for boys.

So it just looks like a fucking corrugated metal sheet and you and you put metal and the first they fucking pull out now is a fucking skull.

I mean.

Hell yeah.

Hell.

Yeah, they literally say what you can make with it.

You can make skulls, horses, Wizards, beasts and Dragons.

Men only want five things, apparently.

Yes.

It's true, but the fucking funniest part is it's still jewelry because they're like, you can wear it, you can drive it.

You get like, Yep, it's so fucking funny.

It's the exact same product, just was a different facade the 90s.

Same fucking thing.

Like they even pour the beads in the exact same way.

Yep.

So, and then we go to an incredibly well animated.

Yeah.

Commercial for Yeah cereal.

Count Chocula's Monster Mash.

We've got Frankenberry in the background.

We got we got Frankenstein, we got the Mummy and a a werewolf doing an amazing jig.

Yep, special guest Casper.

Was the Casper movie happening around this?

Time.

This was just in time for the Casper is Spirited Beginning prequel film which is a direct direct to VHS film.

Oh, and that would explain the what happens immediately after this commercial, which is a advertisement for that on VHS.

Yeah, and then we get a fucking awful commercial for Zippin fruit Juice coolers, which apparently is a fruit juice cooler whose mascot is Scottie Pippen.

And you can win a chance to have a hoops hoops party with the Scottie Pippen if you.

Zippin rhymes with Pippin, right?

And Oh my God, 1888 Pippin 7.

Hey, Bob.

All right, all right.

Oh my God, if you win, Bob.

If you win, you win.

After all this time, they're like no one ever called.

You've been waiting.

This is a this kind of a Goosebumps book is winning of this.

Now the sweepstakes ended December 2nd, 1997.

It's open to Illinois residents only.

So we're going to have to lie if we.

Oh no wonder I've never seen this fucking commercial.

This must have been a local commercial in Illinois.

This was during the heyday of the Chicago Bulls.

Waiting with bait if you're.

Going to talk to him.

You're going to talk to Scottie Pippen.

I'm so scared.

This is for his.

This goes to his mom's house.

Thank.

You for calling I pen store.

We are unable to take your call at the moment.

Please leave your name and number after the phone and we will return your call as soon as possible.

Thank you.

I, I penned.

Hi I I'm calling because of a commercial for hoops party.

I was told to this.

I hope I got the right number.

It's 1 8 PIPPE N7 I.

Just wanted to meet Scottie Pippen.

Yeah, I wanted to meet Scottie Pippen.

So anyway, it's oh wait, it says the sweepstakes ended December 2nd, 1997.

My bad.

Sorry.

They didn't give you the official rules.

Anyway, I hope, I just, I hope I made someone's day because I don't know if you heard that that was a store called Pi Pen or IP Pen, IP IP pen.

I pippen, I that's.

That's why I.

I pippen, I pippen.

It's all a fucking scheme.

This is his cover.

This is Scottie Pippen's actual phone number, and it's a the the layers of subterfuge.

If you can solve his riddles 3, you'll get the Hoops party.

Epen Shonen was a Japanese Buddhist itinerant preacher who founded the G Shoe Time sect brand of Pure.

G Shoe, Buddhist.

G Shoe, It's all coming.

Together.

Shoots.

Baskets.

Shoots.

Converse shoes, Goosebumps.

Oh, but oh wait yo, the Backstreet Boys are straight up at fucking This is the ride from Kings Dominion is it?

This is the fuck.

Yeah, that's the fucking ride.

Are they kings?

Dominion.

Yeah, I think they're kings.

Dominion.

Holy fuck, I gotta go, I gotta go.

It's getting too real.

It's getting too real.

Sam Max commercial and then we kept back to sport utility vehicle.

Yes, sport more sport utility vehicle finding on Raw deal, which is the name of this game show.

Yeah, So yeah, they're lunch.

Let's go ahead and skip forward just a little bit.

I mean, there was a funny joke about kids toys where they get to play with little.

Humans.

There's a human action figure.

He's a commercial member.

It's not that good.

There's.

Some convoluted bullshit about pulling cards, which is just fucking stupid.

There's a smoke machine which makes everything better, and then basically they're told that they're going to be eaten alive, which is they're going to be eaten alive by Ripper the killer beast if they open the wrong door.

I don't Brandon's message with the the line.

I think that line is actually aligned to some business because like it was, a lady's voice is an old woman's voice.

An Identity Protection pin or IP pin is a six digit number that prevents someone else.

Are we suggesting that the federal government took the number for Scottie Pippen's Hoops Party?

Then let's get that call.

All the time.

Like 80% of the calls are for people who've had identity theft and the other 20% are people asking.

20% are hoops.

Who's party?

Can I get a hoops party?

I'll let you all know if they call me back.

Yes.

Anyway, Ripper the killer beast is behind one of the doors and the SUV is behind the other door.

Yes and then there's a scene where the family like is too stupid to figure out how to pick a door and Luke is like door ever 3.

Luke, what the fuck is wrong with you?

There's two.

There's 2 doors, Luke.

So this leads to a cavalcade of fucking nonsense.

Yeah.

But I before we get into it, I just wanted to note on the trivia.

Yep, section of the page, that of the wiki that shall not be named.

We've got Yeah, apparently Ripper the killer beast is Saber from Welcome to Camp.

Night.

I recognize him immediately.

For a second, he kind of looked like the the.

Werewolf appears for Oh Gomorg from Everything story, Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, he kind of did.

Just a little bit.

A little bit.

Gomorg E.

So this leads.

Yeah, the family picked the wrong fucking door.

They go into what I can only describe as a jail cell adorned with dentures.

Human dentures, Yeah, and glasses.

So old people definitely met their demise down here.

This leads.

Someone looks like a monster to go ahead and open the gate to where they were trapped, causing Saber, oh I'm sorry Ripper to RIP through the door and come after them.

But Mario?

Who is this mysterious monster stranger?

Why it's it's our monster friend from earlier who at that time was doing a Peter Lorre impression.

And his name is Bleck.

And he was the he was the, he wanted to be the host of Horrorland hidden camera.

But Resch sniff is the producer's brother-in-law.

So wow.

Even in this world, nepotism reigns supreme.

Nevertheless, he's no longer, I want to stress, doing a Peter Delore impression.

Now he's doing some form of accent.

I, I, I think it's a misguided 1.

I think he shouldn't have done it.

I want to stress that I don't think it's the right choice, but it doesn't matter because he's swiftly eaten by Ripper.

Yep, Ripper gives.

This leads to an over long chase scene in the woods.

Yeah.

Let's cut to the Let's cut to the chase.

Cut to Dad doing an action roll over their car.

I fucking yeah I I the.

Audience.

Cheers Devil.

Horns immediately came up when that happened.

Immediate audience pop for that.

So yeah, it's just a bunch of monsters jumping on top of this fucking brown station wagon with people screaming inside.

It lasts way too fucking long.

Had finally manages to turn the the ignition, start the car and they all start driving off, but not before a quick camera cut to the what we all are assuming is a bomb.

Yep.

Yep, and at this point I'm thinking.

They're going to blow this car up, I think.

It's a bomb.

Blow the car up.

Place.

Blow the car up.

I was like, I'm going to blow this car up with them inside.

With the children inside.

Yeah, yeah, that leads to the Backstreet Boys.

And this is legitimately, I swear to Christ, I love this rad.

I fucking love.

Oh my God.

It's legitimately King's Dominion.

I'm pretty sure Nick Cannon, Nick Cannon, Nick Carter.

Nick Carter shits himself on that ride.

The expression he makes on that roller coaster can only be described as him shitting himself.

So the finale of One Day in Horrorland is this brown station wagon with the family inside driving through a Flock of Seagulls.

They are running so far away you would say it's.

True.

And yeah, it turns out it looks like Retch Sniff is controlling the car with a remote control.

He's able to maneuver it.

Everyone, everyone in the car is yelling at Dad.

Dad's like, I'm not controlling this crazy thing.

And then a literal cliffhanger.

Yep.

Wretch parks their car on the edge of a Cliff and cuts to actual credits of the show as we then pan out to two monsters at home watching the Monster Channel and they turn off the TV because they're tired of all this human crap and they decide to have a quiet romantic evening talking to one other at home.

It's.

Very sweet.

And then they both share a cockroach.

They do, They do.

It's true.

It's like, what if they had a what if they shared a cocktail?

No.

What if it was a cockroach?

Cockroach, of course.

And there was our episode of television.

I can say definitively it was one of the episodes of television.

But I would say I we're not going to get into it because I certainly haven't played it.

But the story of Horrorland doesn't end here.

Not only because it's an entire series of Goosebumps books called like Horrorland, but but because the Goosebumps Escape from Horrorland video game is a direct sequel to the book 18 Horrorland taking place a year later to follow up on the the free passes from the end of the book.

And not only was it DreamWorks first video game backed by Bill Gates and Steven Spielberg, it also starred Jeff Goldblum and it has a bunch of lore implications for Horrorland.

Do you know who Jeff Goldblum plays Dracula?

Dracula.

He plays Dracula.

He's fucking.

I believe he is the actual Dracula.

Which is probably the best casting choice I've ever.

Heard pretty great and also Isabella Rossellini plays someone named Cadaverina.

Like.

Sick.

I don't even, I don't know.

I don't know.

But yeah, they're like they they're like I there was a review of it.

I did see a review of it.

Hold on.

I think Jenny Nicholson talked about it at some point, if not actually played through.

I have seen some play throughs of it or I've seen stuff from it.

I have never watched a complete play through of it.

Well, you might be forced to if we potentially possibly stream it, so keep posted to you can scare me channels.

If we figure that one out.

But here is a review from Time magazine.

November 25th, 1996.

It's a winner.

Interactive adventurers don't get much better than DreamWorks.

Scary new title Goosebumps, based on the book series by RL Stein.

Kids 9 and up can explore a haunted village and solve clues as they try to find a way out.

Video clips of the CD Rom's main character Lizzie and her friends at a realistic touch the adventure, while visits to haunts like the Full Moon Cafe with his menu of scrambled brains and blood pudding add to the eeriness.

The game mixes parent stumping logic puzzles with a rich landscape that kids will find endlessly intriguing.

It's $44.95, and Carolyn Jones says Goosebumps is amazing.

It has incredible 3D graphics that are comparable to those you see in adult games, like the haunted house scene where you can go right up the door and open things up inside.

It also has arcade games, glowing reviews all around.

This is objective game journalism.

Thank you for link Brandon.

Thank you for linking Jenny Nicholson in the YouTube in the on the Disc.

I have things to say about that video.

This isn't the.

I have not seen it.

I've seen it, it's a great video.

In her top ten.

Hang on, what's it called?

Top 10 hollow scream boobies ghost Aljic watch list.

Yeah, she yes, yes, yes.

She talks about it in one of her Halloween videos from long ago.

But I have watched the that that very video you linked and I have thoughts about it but I won't reveal them here.

The reason I thanked you is because Horrorland, as presented in the TV show, does give extreme evermore energy.

It does.

Also, did you notice that in that video they are sitting on the very Goosebumps Horrorland blanket that I own?

There it is.

No.

I mean, like this is like if ever there were a, a Goosebumps books book for Jenny Nicholson, surely it is one day at Horrorland, right?

Surely.

But yeah, anyway, video game, yes, I would play it.

And there's more to explore when it comes to Horrorland to Horrorland.

Yeah, I'm specifically, yeah, horror.

Yeah, I'm specifically trying not to look up anything else about it because I know it there is a possibility we can play it in the future at some point.

So yeah, stay tuned to You Can't Scare Me feeds, but we will.

Yeah, if that ever happens, I'll definitely post about it.

And everybody can.

Yeah, join and we'll have a good old fucking time.

Can we call ourselves yuck scum?

Yuck scum.

That's pretty good actually.

Yeah, sure.

Yuck.

Scum and our the abbreviation of our podcast being Yuck Scum is pretty good.

Then I didn't want to stop the whole thing.

It's it's our four and we're.

The mind can only contain so much.

I was about to say my recording, my podcast recording unit is rapidly running out of space.

I made a joke before we started that like I'm sure I'll have enough space.

I do not.

I only have about like less than an hour left so.

Let's do it.

Let's get a review so.

That's a as good a reason as any is the to pick up the pace.

Brandon, what do you have for your patented review of this wonderful book?

I have renamed mine, hopefully to not have it be Mario's patented review system, and in the past I have, I think, subconsciously taken words out of his.

So my new patented review system is called The Eyes of a Child.

If it was in picture form it would be two eyes by themselves sitting on a post or something.

I think a kid would like lots about this.

There's lots of ideas, including rides and locations in the theme park which are not totally spelled out.

A theme park is a naturally attractive place to set any story.

It gives you the opportunity to talk about lots of little short scary scenarios but not have to spend too much time describing them.

Which unfortunately happens anyway a couple of times.

And also on some of the lamer rides from that are not like King's Dominion any more, like old timey of like House of Mirrors and stuff like that.

Something I I may have only seen once or twice as a kid instead of like a bunch of roller coasters or whatever.

But still, I like the idea of it best of all.

Many of the ideas don't take up a lot of time and there's a lot of like ideas that aren't even spelled out.

That's kind of cool.

That's like cool for your setting.

It lets kids imagine what could have been in those other places.

I do think that it kind of drags some of them out, but overall, I think a kid would probably enjoy this, particularly if they've been reading the rest of the series.

There's a lot more ideas per page in this one than there are in the majority of the other bump books.

And as an old man, I think it's a little bit harder to read as an old angry man, the eyes of an angry old man, because it's kind of draws several of them out and they're not very exciting.

But I think overall still like compared to the last one, this is a lot better.

It's a lot more enjoyable and I appreciate vampire village and werewolf edging.

Mario, what we got for your patented review.

All right now, as we all remember, and I say that as if I remember, my patent review IS3 parts.

One, of course, we know is the scariness factor of this book.

I think this book for a child would be scary.

I think that's true.

I think this book is genuinely does meet the criteria of being a horror book.

You know what I mean?

It is there are monsters.

There is actual threat to life and limb.

I'm gonna give it.

I'm gonna give it an 8 out of 10.

Cool.

You know, it's like it's kind of goofy.

So like that takes away from it a little bit.

That's probably intentional on the part of RL Stein, you know what I mean?

That's I think that's literally his goal.

So very successful.

Then Part 2 is the Stein factor.

How RL Steinie is this book?

Now, usually this is a negative, but I got to tell you, I think it's probably rocking a solid 8 and it's not a negative.

I think this is a pleasantly RL Steinie book.

Like, I think this is in many ways the platonic ideal of a Goosebumps book.

Like it's goofy, the jumps.

If if the bullshit fake out scares are integral to a Goosebumps book, yeah, this is the a good amount to have.

Which is, you know, as few as possible.

This is this is the best way you could do it, right?

I think so, yeah, I think this is a this is a a big winner in that regard.

This is like, again, the Platonic ideal of RL Stein's writing.

And I think, I think RL Stein was having a lot of fun writing it.

And that's part of it.

I think RL Stein clearly liked doing this story.

And then finally, it's relatability, AKA the kids, the kids zone.

Well, I don't know how relatable this book is.

If I'm being totally honest with you, it's maybe a six.

I mean, I guess I would be scared if I were lost alone in the amusement park.

And I do also imagine being frustrated with my brother pinching me.

So in those regards, yes.

However, I don't think this book is particularly trying to like say anything or appeal to kids on a certain, on a particular fear or concern, you know, like bullying or peer pressure or some shit like that.

I think this is literally this RL Stein being like, I want to write a book about a amusement park where everyone's a monster.

Like, I think that's literally it.

And I, I think it worked for that reason.

There's it, there's nothing more to it.

It's just kind of a fun time.

I liked it.

I think it's pretty good and that's it.

All righty, and I'll go ahead and give my ranking update, which I was doing a little while ago, I think.

OK, so as a refresher, I think the probably the best goosebumps.

I'll do my top three tied for first Ghost next door, Haunted mask.

Those are 10 out of 10s in my book.

Let's get invisible and say Cheese and I are say Cheese and I are tied for for 2nd place I guess.

Or I guess 3rd and 4th.

At 9 out of 10 I would place one day at Horrorland between say Cheese and Die and Welcome to Dead House.

I am giving it an 8.5 out of 10.

I think that's very.

Valid.

It's not bad at all.

I I think I appreciate Jovial Bob really fucking pulling the the plane out of the fucking nosedive.

Thank you.

Thank Christ like that last book was fucking rough so.

It was yuck scum.

Well, I've got great news because up next.

I don't, I have no idea what the fucking expect from this, but before we get there, let's go ahead and plug our Patreon and website.

Hi y'all, welcome to the YCSM family.

If you've made it this fucking far, thank you very much for to for listening to what I can only expect to be probably 4 hours long.

Of trans talking.

A bit of it.

So thank you.

I'm.

Definitely going to trim, but it's still, it's going to be, I mean, we're at 4 1/2 hours of recording.

So, so yeah, thank you very much.

If you want to support us in our endeavors, you can go to ycsmpod.com.

If you want to become a patron, a Patreon patron, you can go to patreon.com/youcan't scare me.

And we are also, you can't scare dot me on Blue Sky.

That is also a URL for our website.

If you want to just go ahead and go there and yeah, just support us.

Give us you know, if you want to toss us a few bucks.

You don't have to.

Reminder, you can become a Patreon patron for free.

That means that you can get the visual feed the the feed for Spotify, which has all of the video versions which are normally on YouTube.

If you right now, we don't have enough Subs to claim the YCSM pod URL, but we are You can't Scare me on YouTube YCSM pod.

If you search for either of those search terms on YouTube, you'll be able to find it.

You can also just find us with You Can't Scare Me podcast on YouTube.

And yeah and yeah, sincere, heartfelt thank you to everyone, to all of our patrons.

We've gotten a bunch more people 7 to the Patreon.

So thank you very much for joining.

And with that, let's go ahead and figure out what we're going to do with all these fucking bees.

I'm scared of them.

I'm scared of them.

Which is unfor.

I am actually scared of bees.

So that's a bit, you know, are you?

Yeah.

What kind of bees?

So like like just bumble?

Bees or yellow jackets I am scared of I have, I mean, when I say scared, it's I mean like it's like not even a real phobia.

I can deal with them.

You know what I mean?

Like it's not a problem per SE, but I have definitely I have in the past when I was younger jumped into traffic to avoid a bee.

So like, you know, it's I've not always made the best decisions as a result of this, but bumblebees I'm not so bad about.

I don't, I don't like them in my house and I don't want to be near them because they're quite loud.

I don't like loud.

They're pretty loud buzzing insects.

But wasp, I have a bigger problem.

Oh, Wasps are fuckers.

Which bubble?

Bees are fucking adorable.

I love bumblebees, they're so cute.

Sure.

Fuck I would.

I would have them crawl around on me.

I the, the thing I've already said the story, I've already told the story about eating a fucking bee accidentally.

We don't need to go there.

So, but no.

And for anyone out there who's going to jump on me when I said, are you afraid of yellow jackets?

When you said you're afraid of bees, I know that yellow jackets are Wasps, not bees.

The reason I said that is because I wanted to point that out to Mario.

I wanted to be like, no, if you don't like yellow jackets, that doesn't mean you don't like bees, because bee bumble bees in particular.

They're they're so fucking cool.

We had a, we have a Bush out in front of our house that for some reason, big, big furry bumble bees just love that fucking Bush.

And it's, it's just I, I, I love them.

I love seeing them.

I love hearing.

Them I'll put this I I struggle with buzzing insects with with large buzzing insects.

Yeah, generally speaking, if I hear buzzing, I'm like, what the fuck is that?

But I feel like if I if I know it's a bumblebee, I'm like hell yeah.

I fucking, I love those dudes.

They're they're my fucking pals.

I love them.

But yeah, no, for.

But yeah, other than that, Wasps can get fucked.

They can join mosquitoes.

Let's just exterminate them.

Let's just get rid of them.

Why?

We don't need them.

Listen, bees make honey.

Bees do.

They do.

But Wasps do not make jam, and it's not like they couldn't.

They have access to fruit.

And on that note, I'll leave more thoughts for of Bees for the time when we talk about the book about bees.

All right, and with that, let's go ahead and say goodbye to everybody.

What the fucked up?

Well, Aloha means hello and goodbye.

So Aloha.

And I'll say goodnight to you all.