Jennifer Mackey-Mary: Hello Gorgeous!

Welcome back to another installment of The Everyday Style School: Summer Shorts–our weekly summer series sharing a quick style thought or  tip to help you save money, save time, and get the wardrobe you've always wanted.

I'm your host, Jennifer Mackey-Mary. I've been dressing women for 25 years, and I'm on a mission to help you love the way you look every day.

This week we're talking about a belief that keeps a lot of women from having the wardrobe they want, and loving they way they look, but its often so deeply ingrained that we don't even realize we feel this way…and until we can bring this belief to the surface and shine some light on it, it will block any effort you might be making to have better style…and that is the belief that caring about what you wear is shallow, superficial, and self-indulgent. Today, I'm here to tell you that Style isn't frivolous.

In this episode, I want to talk about where this idea comes from, and the impact it has outside of your closet, as well as share a couple of stories that show style isn't just superficial window dressing, but first, let's talk about how this is different from the idea that what you wear doesn't matter.

On the surface, the ideas that style is frivolous and what you wear doesn't matter are kind of the same, right? They both treat style as something that isn't worth attention, or effort, and assume that what you wear has little value or impact.

But that's where the similarities end. The idea "What I wear doesn't matter" is a passive belief. Like, "who cares"? It says style is irrelevant, but there isn't really judgement or moral conflict about caring about your wardrobe.

On the other hand "Style is frivolous" is an active belief. It says style isn't simply irrelevant, it's actually wrong to care about. It doesn't just minimize style, it rejects it, often due to values or philosophy.

Here's where it gets tricky though. "Style is frivolous" in your heart often shows up as "what I wear doesn't matter" in your head. We're going to talk about that more as we go on, but if you're in the "it doesn't matter" camp, I want you to use this episode to determine if you're truly  indifferent to style, or if you're subconsciously rejecting it. Like I said when we started, lots of women have this belief without even realizing it.

So let's talk about where this idea comes from. Most of us didn't wake up one day and decide that style was frivolous—we learned it. We picked it up from the culture around us and often from the families we grew up in. Whether we're taught directly or indirectly that caring about how you look is selfish or superficial doesn't really matter–what matters is that those messages make their way into our brains and shape our behaviors.

If you think you don't believe style is frivolous, I want to share some ways women express their true feelings, in case you've been saying any of these to yourself.

I've got more important things to focus on
I want people to take me seriously
I shouldn't have to dress a certain way to be respected
I'm not trying to be someone I'm not
And finally, real moms wear leggings and messy buns.

Now maybe these aren't word for word quotes running through your head, but if you've ever looked at a well dressed woman and made a snap judgement that she must be uninterested in important things in life, flighty or unserious, fake, vain, or less devoted to her children, this feeling might be lurking in your heart, friend.

Let's talk about what these beliefs get wrong.

First, they create this false either/or, right? Like you can be concerned with important issues, or you can have nice shoes. You can be good at your job, or have great outfits. You can be a good mom, or look put together. There always seems to be a choice, and it's one or the other. There's no gray area. But you can have both. You can be great at your job, and have a bangin outfit. You can be a devoted mom and not look like a trainwreck at school pick up. You can be an authentic, real, kind person AND wear a blouse on a random tuesday. None of these has to be a choice. And one thing I talk about a lot in the Style Circle is getting comfortable in the gray area, and rejecting the black and white thinking a lot of us have around clothes and style.

The other thing these thoughts get wrong–and this is the big one– is they assume the clothes are the point. Another thing I've said a lot over the years is that I don't love clothes. And we get emails every time I say this, telling me not to say it anymore, so if that's you emailing, I've heard you loud and clear, but I'm going to keep saying it, and I need you to pay attention to the second part as much as you focus on the first, so let me say it again. I don't love clothes. I don't. If you come to my house, my wardrobe first, isn't huge. Second, it's not full of designer clothes. I don't care what celebrities wear, red carpets mean nothing to me. I don't dress up every day, and if I could wear one thing every day for the rest of my life, it would be jeans and sweatshirts.

Here's what I do love–this is the part you need to remember as much as the first. I love what clothes DO for women. My closet is full of things that make me happy, that get me dressed for the places I actually go, and allow me to feel confident, not only about the way I look, but about the way I'm showing up.  I love the power clothes have, and I feel like if you've been listening to this show for any length of time, and you havent' embraced that idea, you're missing a huge opportunity.

Now, to be clear, I like clothes–I couldn't do this job if I didn't. I like shopping–that's so deep in my dna that I was born to do this job, and if I can be not-so-humble for a minute, I'm good at clothes. I understand proportion, and fit, and how to put things together, and not just for myself…but for me, in 25 years, it's never ever been about the clothes. It's been about helping women use clothes to feel great and get what they want.

That's the difference between the clothes being the point, and the clothes being the tool.

I'm going to share a secret with you. My least favorite clients were the ones who didn't have a reason to hire me. They had plenty of money, easy to dress bodies, a good eye for style, and they just basically wanted a shopping buddy. No thanks. My favorite clients were the ones crying in fitting rooms, the ones who struggled for years, and hated the way they looked. The ones who had very little money, and had to make it work. The ones who didn't want to go on a getaway weekend to the Plaza hotel in new york at Christmas time because she had nothing to wear.

The opportunity to impact, or change a woman's life through better pants is my drug. It's why I do what I do. Not because I want you to have another cute dress.

Another thing you've probably heard on this show is the quote from Diana Vreeland. I share it a lot because it's my North Star. It guides everything we do. Here's what she had to say, "It's not about the dress you wear, but the life you lead in the dress,"

Ironically, women who feel like style is frivolous, and clothes don't matter often find themselves in situations where clothes are the thing holding them back.

Here's what happens–women don't buy the dress, or the pants, or shoes–whatever, because it's frivolous to care about those kind of things. But then they don't have the dress when they need it. They can't say yes to a last minute invitation. They don't have something appropriate for a big thing at work. They don't feel confident in social situations. All of these things lead to pulling back, and not living the life they truly want. The total rejection of style morphs into something that holds them back, which actually makes the clothes, or lack of them, super important.

You don't have to obsess 24/7 about the latest trends and buy a new wardrobe every season, but if you can't get dressed for your life, you might want to rethink how much it matters

I want to share a couple of quick stories of times when style wasn't frivolous to show you the power of clothing.

I worked with a client who had a bunch of kids in a very short time. I think she had 4 under 5 when we worked together. We shopped, she went home, and that was pretty much the end of it. Until I got an email from her husband, who said "I just have to thank you for giving me my wife back." Turns out, they hadn't been on a date in years. She always said it was hard to find a baby sitter, she was tired, all the stuff that's totally valid when you have a lot of small kids. Anyway, she came home from our shopping trip super excited and said "let's get a baby sitter. I want to go out". Finding clothes that made her feel good made her excited to go out, and helped her reconnect in her marriage. You'll never convince me that was frivolous. Never.

Another client hired me because she wasn't getting promoted at work. Finally her boss said "you don't look like a leader"--harsh words, but in the end, the kindest thing he could of said, because we fixed the problem. We made her look like the powerhouse she was, and within months she was promoted, and not long after that she left for a VP job at another company. The clothes weren't the point–they were the tool that allowed her to show up and be seen.

Finally, I've had more than one mom reach out to me and tell me that their kiddo was going through something really tough–a difficult diagnosis, whatever…but that they felt more in control and equipped to handle the situation because they felt pulled together. The belief that being a good mom means sacrificing every part of yourself can actually be really damaging. We've all heard the saying you can't pour from an empty vessel, or you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, right? When, as a culture, we promote the idea that being a "good mom" means putting yourself last all the time, and looking like a hot mess, we make women feel guilty for caring for themselves, and stop them from doing things that allow them to be better moms.

If a better outfit helps someone navigate a difficult situation, who are we to say that's selfish? Not me.

Let's wrap up by talking about how to reframe the idea that style is frivolous.

If this is something you believe, or even if you're questioning if this is a belief you have, ask yourself honestly what you think having good style means for other people, and what it would mean for you. Do you think dressing well means people are superficial, not as good at their jobs, or not as focused on their kids? Do you worry you'd be perceived that way if you dressed differently? Try to let go of the false either/or mentality, and remember that you can be smart, and well dressed. You can be real, and have style. You can be a good mom, and wear nice outfits. Not or.

Then, shift your thinking and start looking at clothes as a tool, rather than the point. Going back to the quote I shared earlier–what does the life you want to lead look like, and how could you use your wardrobe to help you get there?

Lean into the idea that clothes can be really powerful, and let go of the guilt that often comes when we believe style is something we shouldn't care about.

Give yourself permission to solve your wardrobe problems–not because you're a superficial woman who only cares about herself, but because you want to get rid of any barriers to living the life you were meant to.

That's really what style is all about–and it's not frivolous at all.

That's it for this episode of Summer Shorts. I hope you feel encouraged to use your wardrobe to live more fully. Remember that your everyday matters, so get dressed for it.  Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you next week.

Jennifer Mackey-Mary [outro]: And that's a wrap. Thank you for listening today. If you're loving the Everyday Style School podcast, I'd like to invite you to become a member of the Style Circle. It's our monthly all-access membership that gives you everything we create to make style easy, so you can save time and money, have easier mornings, and more confidence all day long. You get our seasonal capsule wardrobe guides, all of the masterclasses we offer, and our exclusive members-only podcast, The Everyday Style School Extra Credit. Plus, you're invited to the Facebook community, where you can get even more style support and inspiration. I would love to get to know you and support your style journey. It's just $19 a month, less than the cost of a clearance shirt you're never gonna wear. Come join me and make your everyday style easier.