[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the Helping Couples Heal Podcast, a place for healing and hope for couples impacted by betrayal, resulting from infidelity and or sex addiction.

[SPEAKER_01]: Your host is Marnie Breaker, licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, and founder of the Center for Relational Healing in Los Angeles and San Diego, California.

[SPEAKER_01]: The helping couples heel podcasts was launched in 2021, with the intention of bringing hope to couples all over the world, who are desperately trying to recover from the devastating impact of betrayal.

[SPEAKER_01]: Realizing how many people the podcast was reaching, and that we could offer even more support to our listeners.

[SPEAKER_01]: Marni Co-founded Helping Couples Huel, which has since grown into a global online coaching organization.

[SPEAKER_01]: This podcast is a foundation of all the work that we do at Helping Couples Huel.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for listening.

[SPEAKER_01]: Marni brings over a decade of experience and expertise in the field of betrayal trauma and is honored to support you wherever you may be in your healing.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you've lost hope, you've come to the right place.

[SPEAKER_01]: Now, they can slow deep breath and let's begin with the helping couples here podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, everyone.

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Helping Couples Hill podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is Marny and today I'm going to be here by myself talking about a topic that I think is hugely important, perhaps most important when we are talking about creating a vision as a couple.

[SPEAKER_00]: for what a relationship can look like and will look like moving forward.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this is about honoring your grief without letting it define you.

[SPEAKER_00]: In other words, grieving while also holding hope.

[SPEAKER_00]: And for most of the people that I have ever met working in the betrayal trauma world, that's a really hard ask.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's really hard to ask somebody who is hurting and in trauma.

[SPEAKER_00]: and in pain who's grieving to also feel hopeful about the future, so I want to talk about that now.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's start by talking about what healing really looks like in the aftermath of the trail.

[SPEAKER_00]: And in this conversation, I'm really inviting you to honor both the pain of the trail and the hope of your future together.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're not planning on or you don't know it this moment, if you're planning on staying together, [SPEAKER_00]: I'm still talking about the hope of your future, and that could be with or without your partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: Before I dive in, I want to acknowledge that for those of you who are in the very early stages of healing, this may be really hard to hear because after discovery, hope seems lost.

[SPEAKER_00]: All hope may often seem lost.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it may be too soon for some of you to listen.

[SPEAKER_00]: So please give yourself permission to turn this off right now and do something instead that will feel comforting for you where you are in your process.

[SPEAKER_00]: This podcast is not going anywhere and it will be ready for you when you are ready for it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's dive in.

[SPEAKER_00]: Healing does not mean getting over it, forgetting, minimizing, or just moving on.

[SPEAKER_00]: True healing means integrating the trauma and the pain into your story, while also learning to vision and create something new together.

[SPEAKER_00]: It really means holding your grief and hope side by side as you step toward creating a more healthy, more joyful relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Grief after betrayal looks very different than the grief that we normally talk about in our culture.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not only sadness, it can show up in many of the same ways as traditional grief, right, with anger and confusion, numbness, but there's something unique about this kind of grief, and that involves the longing for what once felt safe.

[SPEAKER_00]: And unlike grief after a death, the trail grief is complicated because of the fact that the person you are grieving with or grieving for is still right here in front of you.

[SPEAKER_00]: So this is a good opportunity to mention the book Soulbroken, which I've talked about quite a bit, and I had the author Stephanie on the podcast a while back.

[SPEAKER_00]: This whole book is about the concept of ambiguous grief, which is grieving a person who is [SPEAKER_00]: So here, but no longer the version of themselves that you once thought they were.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's a unique type of grief that can also make people feel quite alone and isolated, because it's not the typical grief where people are showing up and bringing food and calling all the time and starting meal trains.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's a much quieter, much more misunderstood and confusing type of grief.

[SPEAKER_00]: And for couples after betrayal, the grief is layered.

[SPEAKER_00]: The betrayed partner often grieves the loss of trust and safety, and the relationship that they thought and truly believed that they had.

[SPEAKER_00]: While the betraying partner often grieves the image of themselves that they thought that they were, or the image of themselves that they had of who they thought they were, or the version of the relationship that they wanted to believe.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, both people are grieving, but often in very different ways, and this can also feel very disconnecting.

[SPEAKER_00]: For couples that are trying to heal after betrayal, what they both really want deep down as all human beings do is connection, is closeness, is safety.

[SPEAKER_00]: But when we are, first of all, not having the same reality, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And oftentimes, both partners are experiencing a different reality for a long time, not just before the discovery of the betrayal, but even for periods of time after the discovery of the betrayal, there might still be a different version of reality.

[SPEAKER_00]: And also then if you're thinking about adding on this grief and both partners grieving in different ways and grieving different things, it can leave them again feeling very alone and particularly for the betrayed partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: This can be enormously painful because after being betrayed what the betrayed partner needs is for their partner to truly come forward and lean in.

[SPEAKER_00]: And fully accept responsibility for the harm done and for all of the grief.

[SPEAKER_00]: and for all that's been lost.

[SPEAKER_00]: But when the betraying partner is dealing with their own grief and their grief doesn't match and doesn't look the same as their partner, it's hard for them to show up and often they are so consumed by their own grief and their own experience.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, that they can't show up and then the betrayed partner feels abandoned all over again and it's very disconnecting and it is certainly not a helpful dynamic for healing.

[SPEAKER_00]: So that leads me to the idea about time.

[SPEAKER_00]: This kind of grief after betrayal really is impacted by time.

[SPEAKER_00]: So it's grieving the before, right, before discovery, but the story that you believed that you were living.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then you're also grieving the now, the present, this moment, and that includes all the brokenness that you're feeling and experiencing, the brokenness of the past, the brokenness of you, of your partner, of the relationship of the future.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's so much feeling of brokenness, and that's happening now in the moment, and then it's also grieving the future that you thought that you had, the future that felt guaranteed or promised.

[SPEAKER_00]: and that's blown up.

[SPEAKER_00]: So again, grief involves so much about time, you know, grieving before, grieving now, and grieving the future.

[SPEAKER_00]: What it means to grieve is to honor what has been lost.

[SPEAKER_00]: So again, the relationship you thought you had, the safety, the trust, the dreams that you had that were shattered when you found out about the betrayal.

[SPEAKER_00]: These are real losses, and they deserve to be named and grieved.

[SPEAKER_00]: And not quickly, grief is not a quick moment in time.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a process, and it's not a linear process.

[SPEAKER_00]: But not only, [SPEAKER_00]: do these losses deserve to be named and grieved, they also need to be named and grieved.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a requirement for healing and it's certainly a requirement for a couple that are healing a relationship or trying to hear a relationship after betrayal.

[SPEAKER_00]: What many people don't realize and this is sort of the big takeaway I hope from this podcast is that grief and hope [SPEAKER_00]: Because again, in order to heal a relationship, you have to honor the pain, and in order to step into a new relationship, you have to be able to vision possibility.

[SPEAKER_00]: So hope is what allows us to imagine something new.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hope is what allows us to vision possibility, but hope does not erase grief.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I really want you to hear that because I think a lot of people think, [SPEAKER_00]: I'm still grieving, so if I'm still grieving, I can't have hope or vision for the future, and that's not actually true.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hope can grow alongside grief.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hope is the belief that even with everything that's been broken, something meaningful can still be created.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when you allow grief to be present, your hope becomes more grounded and more authentic.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're no longer rebuilding on shaky ground and confusion and the feeling that what's been lost is not being named or recognized.

[SPEAKER_00]: But instead creating something new that is rooted in honesty and truth and empathy and a shared vision.

[SPEAKER_00]: So betrayal becomes part of your story and healing does not erase it, but it integrates it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Healing requires both honest acknowledgement of the wounds and the harm and also the commitment and the belief in creating something new.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's really normal to miss your relationship as it was or as you felt it was before, even though you find out after the discovery of betrayal that the relationship wasn't fully honest or whole.

[SPEAKER_00]: and you may still long for the closeness and the comfort and the familiarity of the routines and the life that you had.

[SPEAKER_00]: And at the same time, you feel betrayed by this person that you are longing for.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that is truly the double bind of betrayal grief.

[SPEAKER_00]: And one way to honor this grief is simply to validate it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like what we're doing now, to say to yourself, and to say each other, yes, we did lose something.

[SPEAKER_00]: We lost something really important.

[SPEAKER_00]: We lost a lot and it hurts and it matters.

[SPEAKER_00]: Grief really needs acknowledgement.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I recently was working with some couples and I suggested that they use this mantra about yes, we did lose something and it mattered and it hurts and it needs to be acknowledged.

[SPEAKER_00]: And to do that with each other in a ritual, and I said, you know, figure out what works for you, some people might want to do this every night or every morning, maybe once a week, maybe at the end of the week.

[SPEAKER_00]: But sit together, maybe light a candle, and the candle represents the loss, and then sit together without talking and just being with the grief and being with each other and holding that space together.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think rituals can be incredibly powerful to help us as we are going through [SPEAKER_00]: So, some couples also have shared with me that they find it meaningful to write letters to the version of their relationship that no longer exists, or to light a candle every day for as long as it feels helpful and valuable for the relationship they once believed that they had.

[SPEAKER_00]: And these very small acts are actually not small at all, they can be profound.

[SPEAKER_00]: and they can be quite powerful in helping to release what has been lost while still simultaneously making space for what's next.

[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, if the idea of lighting a candle for the relationship that you believe that you've lost, if that sounds like a nice thing to do or a ritual that can be helpful for you.

[SPEAKER_00]: You might want to consider having another candle next to it, and you might not feel ready to light that.

[SPEAKER_00]: That candle would be for the relationship that you are moving towards and the vision of possibility for that relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe keeping that candle next to the grief candle can be a reminder of what's possible.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then organically, see when you feel moved to light that candle.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, rituals can be really, really helpful again for honoring both what's been lost and making space for the possibility of what's next and for the future and for the hope.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the most important piece is remembering that while grief is very real.

[SPEAKER_00]: It is not the whole of who you are as individuals or as a couple and I am saying that because for any person experiencing trauma no matter what the trauma is when it is happening, it feels like that is all there is.

[SPEAKER_00]: It feels like it will never be different.

[SPEAKER_00]: Everything's shattered, everything's broken, and it does feel like it is the most defining thing about us.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that is just a universal truth of trauma.

[SPEAKER_00]: And betrayal trauma is certainly a part of that dynamic.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's very easy to slip into believing that we are our grief, but that is not the truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, again, we are not our grief.

[SPEAKER_00]: We have grief, and you can honor your grief without letting it become your identity.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's really important because what I see in my work all the time is people coming in who feel completely consumed by the betrayal, by the treatment, by the groups, by the podcast, by all the information, by the memories, by the triggers, all of it.

[SPEAKER_00]: ongoing lies on going integrity abuse, planning disclosure, writing impact letters and restitution letters, and all of this really important stuff that does have to happen can feel all consuming, and that's why it's important to recognize that can be a part of your life, and it's an important part, but it's not everything, and you get to define what your life looks like, even while you're grieving, and even after betrayal.

[SPEAKER_00]: So all of this ultimately means holding both grief and hope together grief says I miss what we had [SPEAKER_00]: And hope says, we can build something different, making something new, and something more real, something more authentic.

[SPEAKER_00]: The question isn't, how do we get back to what we had because that's not possible because what you thought you had wasn't built in truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: The more healing question is, how do we create a relationship that is honest, safe?

[SPEAKER_00]: And probably most important, aligned with who we truly are today, because remember before, you might both have had values about your relationship that matched.

[SPEAKER_00]: You both might have believed in honesty in the relationship and transparency, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Full truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe only one of you lived a way that was in alignment with that.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, many people think that the betraying partner [SPEAKER_00]: This could be confusing and hard to believe that's not always the case.

[SPEAKER_00]: Many sex addicts, for instance, really do value honesty.

[SPEAKER_00]: But because of their addiction, they didn't act in alignment with that value.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's one of the most painful parts for sex addicts is waking up and realizing that their way of showing up in the world was completely out of alignment with who they really feel they are in the values that they hold.

[SPEAKER_00]: So again, I think it's really important for a couple to ask themselves, how do we create a relationship that is truly aligned with who we both feel that we are today?

[SPEAKER_00]: What are our values?

[SPEAKER_00]: And how do we want to live our values out every day?

[SPEAKER_00]: Greaf honors the loss of the old story and healing opens the door to writing a new one.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I'm just going to leave it there.

[SPEAKER_00]: Take a care.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for listening to the Helping Couples Heal Podcast, where you're healing is our number one priority.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you'd like additional resources about the trail trauma, which will learn more about our coaching services, please visit HelpingCouplesheal.com or call 562-379-4325.

[SPEAKER_01]: our help is available worldwide.

[SPEAKER_01]: Please support helping couples heal and continuing to reach others impacted by betrayal trauma by leaving a review on iTunes and sharing this podcast with someone you care about.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This isn't an easy journey, but you don't have to do it alone.

[SPEAKER_01]: Once again, thank you for listening.