Hi, a fabe say how abuck ah?

Should that answer your question?

Buddy?

The Adventures of Mazie starring and Southern.

You all remember Metro Golden Mayer's famous Mazie pictures.

In just a moment, you will hear Mazie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen.

And Southern.

But first you're an ouncer, and now here's Anne Southern.

That's Mazy.

Yep, I'm mazy, like a man said Mazy Revere Brooklyn.

They say all roads lead to Brooklyn, and I believe it because I've personally walked over all of them.

I'm in chill business.

It seems I'm either walking to a job that's ready to fold or walking back from one that just has.

In this case, I had just been with a stock company playing in a play called The Cherry Orchard.

I hope the audience has understood that I didn't, And when they cut the Orchard down the last act, I wanted to go out and help chop well.

This morning, I was walking along the road in the rolling hill country, and the seeing me in the clouds are so beautiful I could hardly feel the shellac and my feet were taken.

Then I heard a car pull up behind me and stop, What morning you?

Oh don't.

Oh hello, pardon my presumptuousness, but may I offer you a.

Ride in this ancient but honorable old charrier.

Well, I don't know.

I always stop.

And ask every beautiful young girl if you wouldn't care to ride to the next town.

Where's the country's most notorious rake woman, chaser and libertine fifty years ago?

Well, I might admit that's a very frank proach.

Oh yes, I've always found that honesty was the best policy occasionally.

But if you don't feel safe sitting.

Up here with such an unsanctified character, you can ride in the trailer behind.

Oh no, I'm not that worried, but let me read this sign on the trailer Old Doc Quacking Bush, sole inventor, manufacturer and distributor of Quacking Bush's universal election.

Oh then you're a.

Doctor in some states.

Yes, allow me to introduce myself.

I am all around Quackenbush.

M d Well.

I saw the MD stands for miracle doctor.

No, it's for medical delinquent.

But my name is Majie with here.

I'm glad to know you don't.

Oh, the pleasure's mine.

Maybe, Well, here we go home.

Well, so you're the inventor of quack and bushes universal electure.

What do you mean by universal?

Well call it that because everything in the universe is an't It also happens to be good for almost anything you can think of yours, everything from alcoholism to sobriety.

Now that reminds me it's time to take my regular morning at talks, and now you take the wheel for a moment, my dear.

Huh okay, I got it right here next to my heart.

What are you curing right now?

Alcoholism or sobriety?

Oh, it's so wonderful one of my best batcher's.

Yeah, well, mazee, I've forgotten just what it is.

I'm trying to kill myself out, but I think it's old age.

Yeah, well that took twenty years off my age.

Well, let me know when you get back to twenty five.

And now I'll go back and ride in the trailer is a good part.

How do you sell the stuff anyway?

So please do not refer to the elixir as stuff.

Oh I'm sorry, swill, yes.

But stuff?

No, when I tell you, I just park my trailer in a likely spot.

I open up the collapsible stage, do a few magic fix to collect the crowd.

I give them the pitch.

Well, it doesn't sound very sure fire, duc How you doing well?

I'll be frank, only fair.

I gotta admit that I'm always relieved when I go over a county line.

You know what you need?

Do another shot at the elixir.

No, you need a shill.

Now here's the way I see it.

You do the tricks and start the pitch right in the middle of it.

I bust in.

I'm an agony.

I'm suffering from a cute choreopsis of the lobedia.

Just a moment, my wens.

It might be a few flower lovers in the crowd who'd recognize that disease.

Well, all right, it can be something else, But anyway, that'll attract a little attention, especially if I wear a bright red sweater.

Now we're making progress.

I'm ready to kick the bucket any minute.

I'm in terrible shape.

My dear young lady, your shape will never be terrible.

Don't interrupt the thanks.

Just the same famouscity, I come up in the stage.

I tell you that I've tried everything I've been given up for the Male Brothers, the Meninger Brothers, and the Ringling Brothers.

I'm at death's door and I.

Poured you through.

Well, don't you think we can use a little fashion material than that?

Yeah?

And I got carried away.

Yeah, I come to use a last resort.

I'm desperate.

You get out the bottle of quack and bushes and elixir of panther oil and hand it to me.

I drink it slowly.

A sensational change comes open me.

I get better right in front of their eyes.

I'm cured.

I feel one.

I buy ten bottles and jump off the stage and exit.

Through the crowd, followed by the entire high school basketball team.

Yeah, well, what do you think that?

Oh it sounds absolutely perfect.

But are you good enough actress.

To handle a part doc.

I've been everything from Little Eva to the hunchback of Notre Dame.

I'll admit they went Broadway productions.

They've been Fifth Road companies in major Bowls units, but I've had plenty of experience.

Well, Maze, I'll make you a full partner, shake partner.

Yeah, and I think we ought to have a quick snort of elixir to see the bargain.

Eh, here, you might as well know now what it tastes like.

Okay, you like it, Doctor Quackenbush.

This is an intestinal hotfoot.

You ought to serve a blow torch for a chaser.

Here's your soda.

Good luck, Thank Hans.

Gee, somebody knows me in this time.

I hope it isn't the sheriff.

Oh, mazy Gee, it's wonderful to see you.

Well.

Hello, remember me Steve Carmichael.

Well in those days it was Captain Steve Carmichael.

Oh, oh, sure, you were a doctor in the Air Force in England and I was with the USO unit.

That's right, Ah, you were going on a combat mission the next day.

He is, or at least that's what you told me.

Seems to me every guy I met was going on a suicide mission the next day.

Well, Mazie, I was so crazy about you that I would have told you anything for that date.

Do you remember it?

I remember exactly.

How you look, Ah, be careful, that was pretty hard to tell how anybody looked in the blackout.

Oh, I didn't have to see you.

Every time a buzz bomb went off, you grabbed hold of me.

Of course, I grabbed hold of you, because I was a little scared too.

Yeah, as I remember, sometimes you didn't even wait for an explosion.

Maze was a wonderful night.

I've never been so scared and so happy at the same time in my life.

Ah.

Well, I guess this is a little time to tell me about mm hm, the village square with the band stands, the lazy river that winds through the town, and the city Jale with your initials on the wall of cell number five.

I guess I did spend the evening talking about me.

Didn't I.

Well, I had to keep you talking.

I was afraid to let you change the subject.

Well, did you hang out your shingle here?

Yes?

Mazing, And I've got a wonderful practice.

You know there have been four generations of doctor Carmichaels in this town.

Oh well, I suppose you've already started arranging for a fifth.

How many children do you have?

On?

I'm amaze.

You didn't think I could ever marry anybody, but you did you?

Ah, come on, no, Steve, you haven't been waiting for me all this time.

You're smarter than that.

I hope.

I'm afraid not.

Mazie, why didn't you answer the letters I wrote you.

Oh, well, you know how it was over there, guys were falling for girls.

They never think of twice about it.

Home.

Well, they were awful, sweet letters, just the same.

Well, anyway, you're here, now, what are you doing in town?

In town?

Oh well, I'm just passing through.

I have sort of an acting job waiting for me.

Well, Mazie, I'm going to do my don is to keep you here, and I'm going to start out right now by having you to dinner with my folks tonight.

Oh well, no, no, please, Steve, I'm not the girl you want.

I've got the wonderlers.

It's in my blood, just like show business.

Well, I think I can give you something to remedy that wait here while I phone my mother and tell her the wonderful news she's heard all about your second.

Oh gee, say handsome, and then you say, look, when doctor Carmichael comes back, kill him.

I had to run and not to wait for me.

I'll wait for you.

Just give him the message.

Haven't you got a message for me too?

Yeah?

You make a very fine soda jerk.

And sold my friend.

I gave that poor suffering man a bottle of cranking bushes.

You Salixa.

He drank it and in front of my very eyes.

Yoh.

Another case, a man with an a mechanic.

He came to me and said doc.

He said, Doc, Doc, I'm ready.

For the junkies.

I got a loose cylinder head, a leak in the fuel pump, My valves need grinding.

My crank CA's ought to be drained, and I've blown a gas cat.

I'm fired, I got no pet.

My wife is singing to leave in me.

Yes, my friend, he went out, very sad.

Picture of a man standing there with a tear roll down the street.

Well, folks, I sold that.

Man a dozen bottles of.

Quagen Butcher's Universal Alexa, And after two bottles he was you're not only did he have his old pep and energy back, but by the time he finished a complete treat man and forbidder me and right men, step right up.

No, don't crowd, don't even lose all the bust.

He won't grow hair on your chance, but it'll make you feel like you don't need any hair.

I take one.

I'm sorry, sonny, you're two.

Yeah?

How about people there?

Yes?

There, how many bottles there?

Thank you?

And good luck grandfather.

Now I'm gonna show you buffaler trick, little stick bof I have here a piece of string with two ends with one on ease, and now that I'm gonna tie.

Get me through, Chris, let me through?

What what team to do?

The difficulty?

Here?

You are interrupted?

My great are you?

Doctor run Quackenbush, the fabulous doctor Quackenbush.

Well, I'm famous in a modest way.

Doctor.

I've stretched all over for you because I because I, Oh, what is the matter?

My child?

Here?

Step right up here on the platform.

Oh oh, you're my only hope.

There we are.

I'll turn around and tell us what your trouble is?

All right?

Oh please, ladies and gentleman, My patient appreciates your good wishes.

But that is an American pa.

I boil some water, yes, and then jump into.

What I say is your ailment, my child, Doctor Quackenbush.

I've been given up by all the greatest specialists in in Chicago and New York.

I've been to doctor Gouber Door, doctor doctor Kill, and of course the famous doctor Conkid.

Can you do.

Anything for me?

Can you anybody do anything for me?

I can I know exactly what's wrong with it?

Am I to understand that you know the complicated nature of this unfortunate young woman's amen, you bet I do.

He's suffering from an acute attack of flat Meyer's disease and.

Have to be in the hospital under my personal.

Care for the next six months.

But I'll cure her if it takes the rest of my life.

The adventures of Mazie, starring and Southern will continue in just a moment, and now back to Mazie.

Doctor Robinson has wanted in surgery.

Doctor Robinson has wanted in surgery.

Wonder what butter Fingers is done?

This time last month he sewed up a tennis racket and said, Oh my gosh, is this thing still unholy?

And how are you feeling today?

Amazing?

Oh seed you loud, no kidding, gorgeous?

How I if you want to find out how I am, look at the chart at the foot of the bed.

Oh, yes, of course I'll look some doctor.

I'll say, I'm feeling the same as I was yesterday, in the day before and the day before that.

I'm fine, yes.

But according to your chart, you're not quite as mad as you were.

I see here that your temperature has dropped down to one hundred and fifteen.

Well, you'd be mad too if somebody kidnapped you off a stage and put you into a hospital.

That was the best acting job I've had in our long time.

I think you were just alive.

Commercial for a bottle of souped up soda pop.

No Ah, but Maze, of course you were.

You did look pale and beautiful, dying with the ravages of flatmire's disease.

Steve meg him, give me back my clothes.

Huh uh uh, what are you going to say you'll marry me?

Mazie.

Oh, Steve, you're a wonderful guy, and I do like your lot, maybe even a little more.

But yee, I don't know.

I wouldn't make a good doctors.

Why calling doctor Carmichael?

Doctor Carmichael, Well, Mazie, I've got to go.

They calling me.

I'll be back later.

Come in.

Oh how are you?

I thought you'd moved on.

Want to leave you in the sink of iniquity.

Never oh, doctor kracken Bush.

Me I present, Doctor Carmichael.

Oh, how do you do the pleasure to meet you?

Doctor?

I was just leaving.

I hope you won't mine.

On the contrary, you've doubled my pleasure.

What you got there for me, Doc?

Oh, just some flowers, maze, little token of my undying of.

Steem Oh, lovely, thank you.

I'll be frank and say I didn't buy them.

But there was a wedding going on.

As I walked down the street.

I enjoined the guests momentarily and picked up these flowers.

Great, God, I hope it was the wedding.

I don't know these are lily Oh, well.

The flowers are pretty.

Yeah, let's throw these crummy yellow roses out.

No, don't, don't dea some Steve.

Oh, the doc who broke.

Our ACKed up?

What's she doing breathing hot on your neck?

U?

Look how my back hairs are all frizzed up.

Well you like this character?

Well sort of.

He's an awful nice guy, doc, and he's pretty crazy about me.

He comes to an old family around here, and I've met his folks this.

Well.

No, they're toughening you up, getting you ready for the kill.

They're giving you that little white cottage with the hollyhocks in the back routine.

And sometimes I wonder if it isn't better than beating my feet off to the ankles tramping around the world.

I never had a home or a family of my own.

Who does ma, See, this is the most dangerous spot you've ever been in.

You're beginning to believe all this stuff you've never felt far before.

I'll only be a few minutes longer now, she hear you, Richard Florence Nightingale.

I am here in the professional capacity as mister Revere's medical advisor, and I thank you to give me the proper courtesy I'm entitled, though.

Oh well, let me introduce you too.

That's Quackenbush.

This is miss Coogan.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were a doctor.

Oh shure, don't be fooled by that checkerboard sport coat, the horseshoe typing, and the deck of cards in his vest.

He's a doctor, all.

Right, one of the best squares.

His little black bag.

I didn't bring it.

I left it in my office, along with my stethoscope, my fluoroscope, and my voodoo drums.

Voodoo drum.

Doctor Quackenbush is also a witch doctor.

Anybody you'd like to see drop dead well, and if you doubt me, I'll tell you a little about yourself.

You're unmarried, unhappily unmarried, but you are intelligent, a good cook.

You're like candy, cats and poultry.

How did you know, doctor, because I'm a diagnostic wizard.

My child amazing?

Stop your name.

I'm sleepy, all right, Miss Coogan and I will both go, but here's some decent reading material for you when.

You wake up.

Oh thanks, doctor, that's what I wanted.

Variety, Billboard and the Hobo News.

Oh I think I'll go to sleep, doctor Carmichael ession.

Oh hello, missus Delphian.

This is missus Carmichael speaking.

Made day out?

You know, didn't it the country call?

Oh Stephen and I would be delighted.

So nice of you to think of it.

Yes, oh yes, thank you.

Bye.

I'm the door dear.

Okay, what do you do in school today?

He wrote themes on the subject of what's wonderful about my mother?

Oh well, I hope you could think of something.

I said you were the only woman of town had been shot out of a cannon.

Oh yeah, in those days, I was a perfect sixteen dage.

I also said you used to do the who You're on a side show?

Stevie.

I was just kidding.

Besides, this is only a dream.

Oh yes, I forgot because it's too it's too.

Oh, hello darling, are you gorgeous?

Hello?

Stevie, Hi pop, Oh, here comes the mushy stuff.

Oh I'm crazy about you, Mazie.

And you're looking more beautiful than ever?

Do you tell me that every day?

And do I love it?

And he calls for me?

Yes, Helen Thorson, he's a pretty girl.

Lydia Brown and ROBERTA Cassidy and Missus Wilkinson.

I wonder what they want you, I suppose Oh, yes.

I wish you could combine your practice entirely to old men.

Oh, now, Mazie, you don't worry about me, do you, Mazie, Mazie, Mazie.

Wake up?

Mazie.

Oh oh where am I?

Well?

What happened?

Oh you've really been dreaming?

Gorgeous?

Ah, it's you, Steve, amazing.

Look I've got to run out on an all night emergency call, but I in.

I just have to ask you again?

Will you marry me?

Marry you?

Well?

Yeah, of course theeve.

Oh Mazie, that's wonderful, wonderful.

I'll see you later, honey.

Oh my gosh, what in the world did I say?

Come in?

It's me Doc Quackenbush.

Mazie, Oh, I was asleep.

Listen, dear child.

I don't like your being in this place.

It's a bad environment.

All the doctors here in college.

Man, you got to get out tonight now.

But I think I'm going to marry him.

What marry a doctor?

Oh?

They make very poor husbands.

They're out on call all the time, and every woman in town falls for a good looking doctor.

I know, but you have a home and children.

But he's not in the business.

Mazie.

You'll have to explain with all the headlines and variety means, and you'll be lucky if you ever tell your new joke I haven't already heard.

You might as well quit kidding yourself, Mazie, he.

Ought to marry a local girl, a nurse or a daughter of another doctor.

Yeah, I suppose you're.

Here's your suitcase with all your clothes.

Hurry up and get dressed.

How'd you get my clothes?

I've been treating miss Coogan with Quack and Bush's universal elixir.

The results would amaze you.

I'll be dressed in five minutes.

Are you sure we can get past miss Coogan?

Doctor?

It's a scene?

What hello, mister Mayor, I see you're planning us.

I was planning on leaving us.

Yeah, Doctor Quackenbush recommended it that I have doctor Clack.

Well, not really, mister, I don't think.

I don't think that he is.

He's a doctor.

Are you he copying, mister vere No, you are.

Oh that's not the funniest thing.

Well, as I was saying, I tried some of doctor Quacker and Clack's universal alexa ellis nothing but allttle I water.

Are you sure I have I have?

Well, I think it's doctor Quackenbush.

Would you give this note to doctor Carmachael when he comes in, Miss Coogan?

Let me ask you something, Miss Coogan?

Are you happy now?

I'm the happiest girl world?

And when doctor Carmichael comes.

In, I'm gonna give him a great big kiss cured.

Well, there's the sun coming up dark.

Yeah, it's the dawn of another day.

The world lies before us, full of adventure, excitement and suckers to sell the electir too.

I think I'll stop the car moment so we can get the full treatment.

Ah, oh, sure, it's beautiful.

Tell me honestly, Mazie, are you glad I got you away from that guy?

What guy?

Oh he means, Steve, you can never mind.

You just answered my question.

Well, he was a swell guy, Doc, But your business is my business, and I guess it always will be.

I hate to admit it, but I'm looking forward to putting on the symptoms of Flatmire's disease at the next time.

You're a real trooper, Maze.

Yeah, this is a life for me.

Good.

Yeah, I owe you a lot dock.

Why it hadn't been for you, I might have been happily married the rest of my life.

In just a moment, we shall return to the adventures of Mazie and I'll once again here's Mazy.

Well, that was the closest I've ever come to get married willingly.

I've been closer unwillingly, but that's another story.

In that case, the guy had a gun, and well, I'll tell you some other time.

As for Steve, I got a letter from him and care Billboard a couple of weeks later.

It seems that missus Coogan gave him that big kiss when he came back, and it developed into a beautiful romance.

The ELIXI did something for him, and Steve wanted a case of it to keep her in trim he also wanted to analyze it and see what was in it.

So if you hear somebody discovering a new vitamin or miracle drug in the next few weeks, you know that it's nothing but concentrated quack and Bush's universal ELIXI.

Well, if he got a new job dancing in a nightclub, so let's get there and get going.

You have just heard.

The Adventures of Mazie, starring and Southern Mazie, was written by John L.

Green.

Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman.

Supporting cast included Hans Conry, Johnny McGovern Virginia, Greg Sidney Miller, and Peter Leeds.

John Easton speaking

Not five