No one has all the answers, but when we ask the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths, closer to each other, even closer to ourselves.

I'm journalist Danielle Robe, and each week, my guests and I come together to challenge the status quo and our own ways of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not?

And who says?

So?

Come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation.

It's time to question everything.

Let me paint a picture of Sydney Toll.

She's twenty five years old.

Sydney has effortless, earthy beauty that just doesn't try hard.

Blonde, tussled hair kind of looks kissed by Salt and Son.

Her style is unfussy and bohemian, and around her neck she wears a small shark tooth on a cord, a quiet nod to her Florida roots.

There's a grounded ease about her, an energy that feels equal parts yoga teacher and little sister.

She's deeply kind and she thinks before she speaks.

Two years ago, when she was twenty three, fresh out of college graduation from Dartmouth, Son kissed from surf and run clubs in Los Angeles, newly yoga certified and sharing her life online.

She finished a jog, glanced down and felt a lump.

That lump was misdiagnosed, because how could a healthy, vibrant, bubbly, twenty three year old girl have colangio carcinoma, a rare bile duct cancer that usually strikes people over fifty years old.

But she did.

Sydney logged onto TikTok, where she'd been posting dance videos and lighthearted moments since college, and recorded something different than her usual content.

In a pink bikini top, her face streaked with tears, she looked into the camera and said, I have cancer.

I'm strong, so I'll be good, and then she gave a shaky thumbs up.

Then She's had major liver surgery, lost her gallbladder, endured relentless chemo, and kept showing up.

Her feed turned from kitchen dances to hospital hallways IV tubes.

I haven't so I feel so sick every day every day.

That's when I found Sydney.

She posted a video dancing with her brother in the hospital, laughing silly human and I stopped tears welled up.

I didn't know her, but I was rooting for her, and I wasn't the only one.

Millions of people filled her comments with love, keep going, Sydney, You've got this.

But in another corner of the Internet, on Reddit, strangers picked apart her posts, insisting that she was lying.

They zoomed in on her scars, her hair, her smile, deciding that her optimism made her suspicious.

One commenter even wrote, I literally feel like hunching her in the face.

The story spiraled so far that the New York Times investigated and confirmed what should have never been in question.

Sydney really does have cancer.

Sydney has since moved to New York so she could be cared for at Memorial Sloan kettering.

She has to do chemo indefinitely, and she keeps showing up at the infusion center and on TikTok, and while some twenty five year olds in New York are filming I get ready with me, Sydney's filming one too, except hers begins a little bit differently.

She smiles towards the camera and says brightly, let's go slay some chemo.

Let's go slay some chemo, Like I haven't done that.

A really long time, but I'm going to chemo today and I'm also seeing my oncologist.

I'll be so honest.

I did not feel like explained chemo today, but we gotta do it.

Think about your world at twenty five friends, work the right black top for Friday night, a new crush, maybe a little k and then think about Sydney anchored to a chemo chair, nauseous from all of it, still finding reasons to laugh and show up.

Cancer in young people is rising at rates scientists can't ignore, especially cancers of the gut, liver, and reproductive system.

No one knows exactly why yet.

Maybe it's our food, our environment, our stress.

But the faces of cancer are getting younger and younger, and Sydney is one of them.

This is her first ever podcast conversation.

I wanted to talk to her not just because she's surviving something unimaginable, but because she's living through it and she doesn't have to, but she is doing it with so much honesty and grace and humor and a huge amount of courage.

I wanted her story etched in time so that one day, when she's on the other side of this, she can look back and see what she survived and how brightly she kept shining through it.

I think we're circling two questions today.

The first is how do you keep showing up for life when life stops looking like what you imagined?

And the second is how do you hold hope and grief and reality at the same time.

It's time to question everything with Sydney told So, Sydney, I first found you on TikTok, I think, like so many other people did, and I was immediately drawn to you because you are so vibrant and really positive and super endearing.

And I imagine, even though you have millions of followers across platforms, that not everybody knows your story.

So I want to lay the groundwork for them.

You're twenty five, but at twenty three, just two years ago, you had graduated from Dartmouth and you moved to LA You had your yoga certification, and I watched all your videos.

You were swimming and running and just being really active, and you built a small but growing following.

And one day you went for a run, and within twenty four hours, your entire life changed.

What happened on that run?

Yeah, So, I was actually back at school at Dartmouth and I was visiting one of my friends for a music festival that they have there, and I went for a run and right when I finished, I looked down and I noticed that I had a lump protruding from the right side of my abdomen.

And I was kind of like, what the heck is that?

And I immediately posted on Snapchat because we still use snauschat at the time, and I was like, what is this and people were like, oh, it's a hernia.

I looked it up.

The symptoms said hernia, so I thought it was an exercise induced hernia and that was not the case.

But that's also what the initial urgent care doctor said as well.

Oh wow, yeah, so nobody thought that it was cancer at first.

Obviously your first instinct isn't this twenty five year old probably has this rare cancer?

And what happened from there?

So I went home to LA and I ignored it, honestly for a month or two.

And I knew when I would go for runs or when I would go for like long walks, I would feel this burning sensation.

But I still ignored it, just because I think I was in denial a little bit, and I would even jokingly say sometimes like what if I have cancer, And the people around me would be like, why would you even say that, Like you're so young, you're so healthy, you go to run club or you go to surf club, Like there's just no way.

And then I went to the urgent care.

He thought it was a hernia, but he was like, just in case, I'll send you for an ultrasound.

And then when I went to the ultrasound, it's really weird because they don't say anything to you when they're doing it obviously, like they can't they're not the ones reading the stands.

So she was very calm.

She was like, oh, like, have a nice day.

And it turns out there was an eight or nine centimeter solid mass in my.

Liver and so you get the diagnosis and it's colangio carcinoma, which is a rare cancer at twenty three years old, Tell me what's going through your mind when you hear those words come out of their mouth.

So I had no idea, and I think most people don't know what calandiocarcinoma is.

I heard carcinoma, and I know that's one of the worst forms of cancer, like one of the most deadly forms so I remember I went to go pick up the report from the MRI place and I opened the report, I'm by myself, and right when I open it, I just see the words likely carcinoma, multiple enhancing masses, and I immediately just dropped to the ground in the parking lot, and I.

Was like in shock.

I mean, I kind of had this gut feeling that it was cancer, but to see like multiple tumors increasing in size, I was like, how is this possible?

And to see those words you were alone?

I was alone again.

I had a gut feeling, but I was hoping I was wrong.

So opening it by myself, i'm a parking lot, I was just like, oh my gosh, how is this my new reality?

You know, it was confirmation of a nightmare, right exactly?

Yeah, what do you remember about that day?

Immediately after, so I immediately facetimed my family, and normally they both don't pick up.

My brother and my mom they both picked up on like the first ring, so it was already a crazy moment.

And then I was already crying.

I was already bawling, and they were like, what's wrong, What's wrong?

And I was just like, I've cancer.

And they both started.

Immediately bawling as well.

So that was a core memory probably that I will never forget is their reaction calling them and seeing their faces when I said that, and then also texting all of my friends at the same time saying I have cancer because.

I just didn't know what to do.

I think you kind of immediately when you get news like that, you reach out to everyone you know and you're like, what's going on.

And obviously all of my friends were like, what are you talking about?

It's interesting that you texted all your friends.

You're a friend girl, Yes I am.

I love my friends.

And one of my friends in La I text him and said I have cancer right when it was happening, and he was supposed to go to San Diego that day.

He immediately canceled the trip to go see his friends and then spent the day with me at the beach, just hanging out.

So I have some really great friends.

Did you guys talk about it or did that day did you just want to enjoy the beach and not think about it.

I think we just didn't talk about it.

I think I was in so much shock.

I don't think there's like a way to process that much information in one time.

So yeah, we just hung out.

What were the psychological impacts of the diagnosis in the days and weeks to come.

Honestly, it's so hard to think about because I think a lot of my processing has been through disassociation, like kind of pretending it's not happening.

So I try not to think about it too much.

Yeah, but I think it has taken obviously a very big toll, like psychologically and mentally, because how are you supposed to cope with all the other normal things that twenty three year old twenty four year old deals with while also having stage four cancer while I didn't know stage one.

At the time, having cancer, Yeah, and especially a rare cancer.

I went back to therapy, I think to like talk through things and unpack things.

But I think also talking on TikTok and sharing videos like that has been a really helpful way for me to process everything that's going on as well.

So yeah, psychologically it's been a lot.

Physically it's been a lot, but there's also been a lot of good that's come from it.

I want to hear about all three of those things.

Yeah, tell me about the first TikTok that you posted sharing your diagnosis.

So I had got home from the beach with my friend, and I just started bawling right when I got home, right when I was alone, because I feel like I'm not the type of person to be able to cry in front of other people, which is funny because I cry on TikTok a lot.

And obviously a lot of people see that, but.

In person, I preferred to process my emotions on my own, and so I just started bawling.

And then, honestly, I don't know.

What spurred me to just record a video, but I had already been posting on the app, and I'd posted kind of everything randomly, so I just said, you know, I've posted everything on here, so I'm going to say this as well.

I just found out I have cancer and I posted it.

I didn't think anything of it, and then that video ended up going kind of viral, and I had so many people reach out to me, so many people comment, and I think cancer, unfortunately, is just a very relatable thing.

It's becoming more common, so unfortunately, a lot of people I think are able to relate to my story themselves or through their family or friends or someone they know.

How do you feel about all of the interaction around talking about your cancer.

Are people helpful, have you found any information or doctors from it?

Or is it emotionally exhausting?

There are a lot of feelings associated with it.

It has been very helpful, I think in both directions for me and for other people, because all post videos as well from things I've learned from other people commpting like histotripsy, like these new technological advances for cancer treatment, and then I'll post my experience with it, like I looked into this, and then someone will message me or comment and say thank you so much.

I had no idea this was a thing.

In thanks to you, my significant other or my parent or my child was.

Able to look into this.

Wow.

So it's amazing the amount of information you're allowed to receive and give to other people.

Like it's kind of just a.

Circle, it is.

I see it in the comment section.

There's a TikTok that you made in your car.

I have to be honest with you.

I find it hard sometimes to watch other people be emotional on the internet, and I don't feel that way with you.

I'm not sure why I need to unpack I know, and there's a TikTok that's in your car.

You would just received some sad news.

It signaled a step back, and you said, this just isn't what I thought my life was going to be.

Like, what was going through your mind?

What did you think pre cancer diagnosis?

What did you envision?

It's a great question.

I said this in another TikTok.

Actually at the time in twenty twenty three, like the year I was diagnosed, I said, this has been the best year of my life, even though one of the worst things has happened, because I really found my community.

I was loving my life in LA.

I was going to surf crew every week, I was going to run club.

I felt like I had so much community and so much happiness around me and so many good friends.

And then that happened so unexpectedly, and it was kind of just like, how is it possible to have such happiness in such a good life and have that kind of feel like it's being ripped from under you.

So I guess I envisioned myself staying in La probably honestly not moving to New York, and continuing to build that community, continuing to surf, continuing to run.

But I have a full time job in addition to doing content, which not many people know.

So doing that and yeah, definitely not this.

You don't fit any of the demographic factors for colangiocarcinoma, which is bioduct cancer.

You received the diagnosis at twenty three, and it's this rare cancer that people over fifty usually have.

How do you reckon with the fact that you have this when the odds are so slim.

I think about that so often and I'm like, how is this possible?

Because I went to the Clandiocarsonoma conference this year and I spoke and everyone pretty much in the room was around fifty or over the age of fifty, and so I'm like in these group photos and I'm the youngest person there, the youngest person in the room.

People would constantly come up to me and be like, you're so young, And doctors say that all the time.

They're like, you're so young.

When I came to New York.

To MSK I memori alson Kettering to get a second opinion my oncoll just now redid all the tests that I had originally done and redid my biopsy because he was like, you don't fit these demographics, Like I have a hard time believing that you have clandiocarcinoma, and I do, and it's so hard for me to process that, like why did this happen to me at such a young age?

Like I don't understand it honestly, And I think the only way I get through it is by not trying to understand it anymore, just accepting that it's what's happening right now.

And you can only control your reaction things, not what's happening.

So have you disassociated yes, so much?

I think honestly, some of the only times I process things are when I'm talking to TikTok to my phone.

They're else.

I don't speak about it that often, Like I don't speak about it with my friends.

I try not to speak about it with my family too often.

Why.

I think it's easier to pretend that it's not happening when you don't speak about it.

Speaking about it almost makes it feel real.

So just not talking about it, pretending that it's not happening, pretending that I can go out to dinner and go out with my friends but I'm just a normal twenty five year old.

That's kind of how I get through it.

I think, do you feel different from your friends.

The way you talk about it is in college, you guys were like a unit.

You had this group.

Yes, it's hard sometimes to have normal conversations now about like dating and like normal worries of a twenty five year old, because I just feel like my worries are a lot different now, Like I don't care about.

The small things as much.

I care more about like life and death and like what's going to happen in the next year or so.

So it is kind of hard.

For me to have lighthearted conversations or you know, small talk if I'm going to like a party like something like that.

It's kind of hard for me to pretend that everything's normal when something so big is happening.

You wrote in your TikTok bio that you are slaying cancer.

Yes, when you use that phrase, what does it mean to you?

It has never had a definition to me.

Really, I feel like it's more of an emotional like fortification of like I don't want to do this thing.

I don't want to show up every day.

I don't want to go to chemo.

But regardless if I want to or not, I'm going to, So even if it's the last thing I want to do.

If I say in a video like let's go slay some chemo, it kind of hypes me up and makes me more ready and prepared to go take this on, even if I don't quite feel ready.

Do you see cancer as an enemy to fight or something that has forced you to look at things differently?

Both?

Honestly, I think more importantly probably it's forced me to look at things differently because my perspective on life, I feel like has changed so much over the past two years.

But also recently I've been trying to see it more as an enemy.

And I was talking to one of my friends who also had cancer in the city, and you were saying, like, what if we kind of treated it like it was this enemy, like it was this like mean person.

And that kind of gave me a perspective change because I was like, Yeah, I don't want to be friends with it.

I want it to be gone from my body.

So treating it almost in that light has been kind of helpful because it makes me want to fight it more aggressively and like, no, you don't belong to your get out of my body.

And that's been a little bit helpful to think about it in that light.

It sounds like you're doing mental gymnastics always.

How do you experience time right now?

Does it go by fast?

Does it go by slowly?

It really depends on the week because my chemo weeks.

So I had chemo this Monday, and it always goes so much slower after chemo because I want the day to go by, and whenever you want time to go by faster, it.

Goes by slower.

I feel like that's always the case.

But when I'm off of chemo, like on vacation, you're on a trip, it goes by so fast, and I'm like, I wish I could just stay in this moment longer.

I wish I could stay in this peaceful moment, because it feels like it's really hard to find peace these days.

So it's always those peaceful times that it feels like are very fleeting.

Where are you experiencing peace or joy right now?

It's always by the beach because I grew up by the beach in Florida, so I think whenever I'm by the beach, and I think a lot of people feel that way.

By the ocean, it's just very calming.

I read on today dot Com that you were not able to freeze your eggs or take any other precautionary measures ahead of getting treatment.

What does that mean for you?

I actually woke up thinking about that this morning because a lot of my friends who have had cancer, because I've met a lot of people in this community, did freeze their eggs before, and I feel like for some reason, it wasn't brought to my attention that it was an important thing to do before starting chemo.

I think also because we didn't know how long I was going to be in chemo for, which is now indefinitely, and I think about that very often, especially when I'm dating or trying to think about the potential of a future and a family.

It makes me really anxious and sad to think about the fact that I.

Didn't freeze my eggs ahead of time.

Because you need at least this is what they told me, you need a couple months off of chemo, or like at least a month to be able to do the process of freezing your eggs.

And I don't have that time off, so I'm not able to do it.

So I'm kind of waiting for that day that hopefully I'll get a break and I'll be able to do it just so I have that safety net, a feeling like one day if I am able to have a family, and I want to have a family, I do have that potential, which obviously there are other ways like adoption, IVF and stuff, but it is something that I wish I had done ahead of time.

I like that you're thinking about a future though, I know.

I mean it's important too, I think to have something to hold on to and to like fight.

For, you know, absolutely, yeah, So talk to me about your regimen right now?

What does your day to day look like when you are experiencing chemo.

I wake up, I do my get ready with me for chemo Ghostla.

In chemo, my mom will normally come with me, and then we go home and I try to work.

I work remotely, so I work remotely as much as I can, and then I sleep the rest of the time.

And I really am just waiting for those two or three days to pass to where I start to.

Feel normal again.

Like today, I feel like I woke up and I started to feel a little bit more like myself again, and.

That's just the best feeling.

Once I start to come back to myself, the.

Brain fog starts to go away and I start to feel like Sitney again.

That's like the best feeling.

So you underwent five months of treatment, and then your progress allowed you to undergo surgery, which had been the initial goal.

Correct, So in January of twenty twenty four, you had a liver resection is that what it's called, and your gallbladder was removed, and then you had several abdominal lymph nodes taken out.

Yes, and the plan was to resume chemo afterward, but there was a combination of positive margins which means residual cancer cells, and your white blood cell count that never really rebounded.

So what happened after that?

Yeah, so I went back and I had one session of chemo, and then they looked at my blood work the next time and they were like, we can't give you chemo.

Your numbers are too low.

And hearing that, I think for any cancer patient is one of the worst things you can hear.

I've had other people tell me that too, which is a weird thing to say, because you hate going to chemo so much.

When they tell you that you can't get it, it feels like the world is ending a little bit, because we.

Know how important it is.

To get chemo every week and to like stay on a regimen.

So hearing that I think, I like had a break down at the time, like we're stopping chemo, we're pausing chemo.

It was nice, like I was like, I get a break, but it was also like, I know that I should be getting chemo.

I know that that's the right thing to be doing at this time if I want to keep making like progress.

So that was really hard to deal with at the time, but it was also nice because I got to enjoy my summer with my friends, and I'll think about it, you know.

That was this summer.

That was last summer, okay, and then what happened in the fall.

So I went in for updated CT scans and it showed a nodule on my liver and we weren't sure at the time if that was scar tissue or if that was a tumor.

Son we waited another month and did follow up scans and it had grown, which meant that it was cancer.

And so seeing that it was increasing in size was also kind of a moment of like I need to kick things into gear, like clearly this isn't working.

And that's when I started to also look at Memorial Stonecuttering and like alternative treatment.

And is that the reason moved to New York.

That's a major reason.

Yeah.

I also wanted to be closer to my family and my friends, because most of my college friends live in New York and my family's also on the East Coast.

So it was a combination of wanting better treatment but also wanting to be close to the people that knew me the best and know me longest.

How important is it to be at a specific hospital.

It's very important.

I've talked to so many people with different types of cancer and my cancer who have said, oh, this small local hospital I originally went to had never seen clangoparsonoma, so they had no idea what to look for.

People have been misdiagnosed based on that.

So getting to a.

Hospital that specializes, especially in the cancer that you have, is so critical.

To have someone who's used to seeing your cancer, who's used to treating it, who has plenty of background knowledge, I think is critical.

Yeah, you shared your struggle online about remaining positive and then also trying to find the balance of feeling all of the feelings and the sadness and the grief that comes with this.

How do you allow yourself to feel the dark days but not get swallowed up by them.

Yeah, that's a great question.

I think I've obviously had a hard time dealing with that as well, because it is a sad thing that's happening.

You know, even if I am positive most of the time, it is still a really hard thing to go through.

And I think one of the quotes I've heard that's helped me a lot is that emotion is energy and motion, and so if you try to stop it, it's like it'll just get stuffed down and ultimately it's all still going to come back up sometimes, So allowing myself to kind of picture it as a wave, the sadness is like hitting me as a wave.

But I just have to let it go and feel it and process it and then it'll move on.

I think that's the most helpful thing, just letting yourself feel whatever it is that you're feeling, like, not trying to stuf it down, not trying to be positive.

All the time.

But I try not to do that.

I try to post also the sad time, because I know that, like, no one's happy all the time, and I think that's what also people relate to is that I'm not happy and positive all the time.

I'm also definitely sad and feeling all the emotions that.

Are going on.

Even in your saddest moments, there's a lot of hope in your videos.

I honestly don't know where it comes from.

There's no other way, I think for me to deal with this than being hopeful.

Like I just don't see an alternative to being like positive, because I mean, I'm either going to get through it, I'm not.

How I get there is up to me.

So the nausea, the exhaustion, the roller coaster of all of this.

Is there something you're saying to yourself when you feel like you're at your wits end you can't go on?

I always have said to myself since the beginning, this too shall pass.

Every time I'm at like the deepest, darkest part, I'm like, you have been through the ringer, you have been through the worst days, and you've still gone past it, and you've still had so many happy moments after those really dark days, sometimes immediately after those dark days, you know.

And so I'm always just reminding myself that even if it feels like you're not going to get through it.

You have gotten through it endless time, so you can do it again.

It does get harder, honestly as time goes on, because it's like, how many times do I have to keep picking myself back up and getting over that hurdle.

So as time goes on, it has gotten more difficult to just keep telling myself that this is going to pass, this is going to pass.

There's a lot of mental fortitude involved with what you're dealing.

With, Definitely.

I mean I think for myself and for the people around me too.

It's a huge mental I don't want to say burden, but it is really hard I think for everyone to deal with.

Definitely for me.

Yeah, when you.

Say everyone around you, the main people in your life are your mom and your brother.

Yeah, my mom and.

My brother, and then my best friends that are here and also in LA it's hard because they don't talk about it as much.

With me.

I think people want.

To be strong for you, like no one wants to show that they're also feeling these heavy feelings too, so them being strong, I don't see the emotions behind behind it for most of the people in my life.

Is that helpful for you or do you wish that they would show it a little bit.

It's helpful for me most of the time because it allows me to pretend that everything's fine when everyone else is.

Also pretending things are fine.

But sometimes I think I do wish that I was more emotional with the people that I love, and that would probably allow them to be more emotional with me in return to just so that we could actually acknowledge it and maybe like talk through some things that we probably are kind of pushing to the side to put on a brave face.

Have you lost any relationships or have you fired any friends in this process?

That's a good question.

People always say that when you're going through something like this, you see who really matters and people will show up for you, And that's definitely been the case.

I've seen.

You know who reaches out, and it is also unexpected to see who reaches out, like people from your past or people that you maybe thought were more acquaintances or you didn't know as well, that will show up for you in the biggest ways.

I got chills when you said that.

Yeah, and even like strangers on the street will come up to me and give me a hug and be like, you're basically my daughter, and I'm like, that's crazy that people that I've never met before have so much love for me.

That's hard to process for me, Like, I honestly can't process that.

It's so crazy.

If you could point to one or two examples of the most beautiful and even unexpected ways people have shown up.

For you, one of the biggest ways is when people that I went to school with or people that I've met kind of briefly will say, can I come to chemo with you?

I think that's so sweet that you would want to come and sit in a hospital with me while I'm getting treatment.

Like, nobody really wants to be in a hospital.

Nobody wants to see someone else getting chemo.

It's kind of a sad thing to watch.

So when people offer to come with me, I think that's really sweet.

And at the same time, I never want people to come with me.

I only ever really want my family to because I don't want people to see me that way.

Would you feel like you have to perform for them?

Yeah?

I do feel like with my mom coming, I don't have to put on a brave face.

I don't have to be positive, I don't have to be happy.

I can just kind of sit there and let myself go through the treatment.

Yeah, but I feel like almost if I was around my friends, if I was around acquaintances, I do kind of have to be a more happy version of myself in a sense, or a more energetic version of myself, like hold.

A conversation and things like that.

What have you learned about your own resilience?

Oh my gosh, so much.

I feel like I had no idea how much my body was capable of before this.

I had never been tested in this way, never had a broken bone, never gotten stunned by a bee, and then going through such a huge physical challenge like this and knowing that my body keeps coming back for me, it makes me so proud of it, and I'm like, the human boss is amazing.

To go through so much and to still be here and to be fighting every single day, I'm very proud of I.

Think my body as a whole.

And obviously there is a lot of mental resilience required, because, as we've talked about, you have to show up for yourself every single day, Like even if you're having an off day, you're still showing up for yourself because you're still pushing through.

You're still waiting to get to the other side.

You're for surprise yourself.

Yeah, I think every time I finished chemo.

Every time at the end of the week, I'm surprised for myself because I'm like, you did it again, you got through it.

And it's so hard, especially to know that it's indefinite, like there's not a finish line.

And I just made a video yesterday saying like it feels like I'm on a treadmill, and it feels like the destination that I'm running to just keeps getting further and further away.

And it's so hard to deal with that, deal with not having a definite ending and just knowing that I have to keep going back week after week and dealing with this.

It's really tough.

What does indefinite mean?

Indefinite means that we're crossing our fingers and hoping for a day where I can get surgery again.

But it's really weird to also now have a pump in my body and to know that's kind of there forever potentially, to know that my body is maybe forever changed or it is forever changed by a lot of what's happened, but by the pump specifically, and just not having that end date in mind that like you'll do X amount of chemo and you'll be good.

It's not like that.

It's like, we'll see what happens, and we'll keep doing chemo until we can't do it anymore.

You posted the other day a photo of your stomach.

Yeah, and you have a big scar that kind of like lines the center of your stomach.

I'll tell you my first reaction.

I thought warrior.

I thought that's a battle wound, and it's a physical manifestation of her fight.

When you look at it, what do you feel?

Honestly, I feel like I got so used to the scar because I've had it for over a year at this point.

That I think it's kind of bad ass.

I agree that shows what I've been through.

It shows like all the fight that I've had to go through, you know.

But now it's been a huge adjustment to look down at the pump and see this new thing sticking out of my body that is not there for most people that has been I think more of an adjustment because everyone has scars, but I feel like this is something that's a little more unusual.

I was just in Florida on vacation and wearing a bathing suit, and little kids are curious and they don't have the same ability to hide, you know, what they're thinking or feeling.

And so I had a lot of little kids like staring at my stomach and asking their parents like what is that?

Like what's going on there?

And so for me that's a constant reminder like, oh, there is something unusual going on.

But I had a friend to reach out to me after being in Florida and she was like, curiosity is the best thing because who knows if someone's curiosity is going to lead them to finding out that this exists for them too, that this exists for their family member, that something that you've had to go through can help them potentially or someone that they know.

So now I'm like, this is amazing.

This is a cool thing that I have and it's helping me and it could help someone else.

So that's how I'm trying to reframe it.

I like that perspective shift.

It's not easy, Yeah, it's not easy, but it's so helpful because the alternative is me being worried about it.

And so if I could turn it into a positive, that's like exponentially better.

So a lot of what we've talked about is like the physical manifestation of what cancer has done to your body.

But there's a lot of grief here, and I can imagine a lot of loneliness.

What has been the biggest fight for you in all of this.

I think it is probably that feeling of loneliness.

I think loneliness is one of the worst.

Emotional feelings that someone can experience.

It has gotten a lot better over time because I've met so many young people with cancer who can relate to what I'm going through.

Because of me posting on social media and being vulnerable, I've been able to meet so many people who have felt the exact same things as me, and that has been so helpful.

I think if I had never posted and just gone through this, I would have felt.

A lot more alone, just.

Because none of my other friends are going through this.

It's such a hard thing to relate to unless you're going through it yourself.

You can maybe grieve with someone, you can try to relate to them, but you can't experience it the same way.

I think about who I was at twenty five, and it's an interesting age because you've had a few years post college and so you're watching your friends get first or second jobs and have fights with their boyfriends and feel frustrated and they don't know how to deal with it.

Or some people are going on dates and there's like wild nights in Brooklyn I can't imagine, and just normal twenty five year old stuff.

Yeah, and I read a piece that you wrote in Cosmo where you talked about how it's so difficult to kind of have this very similar and different experience than them.

Do you feel like time has been stolen from you?

It's hard to not feel like it has, especially when I'm at chemo and I'm like sleeping off the week.

It feels like time is being wasted, especially when I have so much a greater awareness of time now, where it feels like time is more precious now.

And then I see my friends going out and having fun, and I do try to go with them sometimes, but I'm normally in bed by midnight, you know, when they're still out, and that's really sad.

Like I see them having fun, I see them with their boyfriends and progressing their relationships and people getting engaged, and I'm not even in a relationship.

I wouldn't even say I'm dating honestly, like, I try to, but it's really hard to date while you're actively going through chemo and you have cancer, because it's not something that I would just casually bring up to someone that I don't really.

Know that well.

You know, are you wanting to date?

I am wanting to date.

Yeah, it's not my priority right now.

And honestly, I feel like being single the past couple of years and focusing so much on myself because of this has been so immensely helpful, honestly, like, I've learned so much more about myself and who I am to the point where I like myself and I like being alone.

So while I do like it, it's like I also do miss that comfort of having someone.

And I see my friends with their boyfriends and I love it.

I love it for them, but it also makes me kind of sad because I'm like I'm the fifth wheel, or like I wish I had someone else to share these experiences with too, honestly, like to find comfort in.

Do you find that when you are dating that people understand what's happening.

You're saying, no way.

It's honestly hard for me to conceptualize as well, because I couldn't imagine if I was on the other end and I had just started dating someone and they told me that they had stage four cancer.

Honestly, I don't know how I would react.

I don't know if it would change my opinion at all or my perspective, but I think it has to in some way.

Like you're dealing with someone who has something going on that's very physically and mentally challenging, and to know that you're probably not going to be the priority in their life that you have to support them, I can imagine must be really difficult.

So if someone does step away, if someone hears that I have cancer and is like, I don't want to be involved, I honestly don't blame them, because it's a really big thing to take on.

As anyone that's close in my life.

Knows, has this experience changed what you're looking for in love?

I think it has.

I think more than anything, I need to be one hundred percent comfortable with someone.

I feel like you kind of can get an initial vibe off someone right away if you feel comfortable with them or not.

And I think now, if I don't feel one hundred percent comfortable with someone, I would just move on because that's what is most important to me, is someone who I can be one hundred percent myself around, because there are so many bad days with this too.

I want someone who's going to be able to be there on the worst days and not care and not judge me, and like, just be there for me.

Have you been in love before?

I think I have been in love before.

Yeah, in college, my last relationship, which is weird because thinking about it, I haven't been in a relationship since then, throughout this whole time, So it's kind of strange to think about the fact that it's been a while since I've been in love with.

A romantic partner.

But it also has allowed me to find love in so many other ways, Like I feel like I love my friends so much, and I love my family, and I love life so much, and I feel like I've learned throughout this experience that love doesn't necessarily need to be in a real antic partner, can be for yourself, or for your friends, or for life itself.

In an essay in Cosma that you wrote, you said, my friends are settling down, wondering when they'll take the next steps with their boyfriends and making their five year plans.

I wonder if I'll be here in five years.

Have you had conversations about death?

Honestly, not really.

I feel like, not necessarily that I'm superstitious, but I feel like I don't want to speak about something that may or may not happen.

I'd rather just focus on the positives.

So I think I maybe once mentioned to my mom that I should write a wall, just because I wanted there to be some sort of sense of security.

But for the most part, no, we don't talk about it at all.

We talk about life.

We talk about living and dating and all the fun things that I think twenty five year olds don't really to talk about.

In this series, I get to talk to people from all walks of life, and a lot of the questions that you're facing are questions that I've asked or have heard people out themselves that are seventy eighty ninety What have you learned about what is important about life?

I think the small things have become so small.

I think that there's just been a lot of clarity on what's the most important in life, And to me, that's love, that's relationships, your friendships, and so those are the things that I care about.

I try not to sweat the small stuff anymore.

I try not to be anxious about what's happened in the past.

And I think we talked a.

Little bit about being present, and I think that being present has been one of the biggest lessons for me, is enjoying this moment because none of.

Us know what's going to happen.

It's not just people with cancer, but like none of us know what the next day is going to hold.

So there's no point in stressing over that.

And there's no point stressing over things that have happened in your past because you.

Can't change them.

So I think I've learned so much about being present and being in this moment and trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

I see your courage online every single day.

I know millions of people do.

But your mom and your brother have been with you upfront through all of this.

How have they shown up for you in this time.

I was just talking to my mom yesterday on the phone, and we were talking about cold capping, which is a very intense process that some chemo patients will go through to save their hair.

But she showed up every chemo session we would have to go get fifty pounds of dry ice.

She would have to do every twenty minutes change these giant ice packs on my head for around six hours every chemo session.

And she came out to California for me, you know, took a break from her job and showed up to be there for me so that she could cold cap and so that she could be there for mental support as well.

And my brother has come to chemo with me as well.

And they always are offering to do whatever they can.

And it's really hard to know what you can do for someone in this situation, but they're always there for me, and I think that's the biggest thing.

Is there something that you believed about life before this journey that you no longer believed to be true?

I think before I believed that everything happens for a reason, and I think a lot of people that go through cancer will tell you everything does not happen for a reason.

And I think when people say that now, it's like, that's just not true.

Things can happen, maybe to teach you something or maybe you learn from it, but that doesn't mean that it was supposed to happen.

And I think that cancer is not supposed to happen anyone.

So I think that's probably one of the biggest things that has changed.

I've heard that a lot.

There's a lot of sort of moral platitudes that people share when something hard happens.

And everybody that I've talked to that has dealt with illness is like, literally, don't like you know, that's like what actually makes them the most mad?

Yeah, I mean yeah, because I would say that before too.

I would be like, oh, this bad thing happened to me, Well, you know what, it was probably for a reason.

I don't think that there was a reason for this, but that doesn't mean that I haven't learned things from it.

Yeah, So cancer diagnosis in young, seemingly healthy people are on the rise.

If you had one takeaway from this experience that you would want young people who receive a diagnosis to know, what would it be.

I think the most important thing that I've learned over the past two years is to seek out second opinions and third opinions and fourth opinions if you can, because the way that the first doctor will treat you or give you a treatment plan for is not the same as the next person.

And I think that's been really critical for me, especially with a rare cancer, is finding someone who knows it very well, is able to see it from all angles and have also multiple perspectives to go into it and know that I'm getting the best treatment possible, because I think one of the worst feelings that I've had is looking back and feeling like I regret not being more proactive.

And it's very difficult as a young person to want to be so proactive and want to seek out all these opinions.

It takes a lot on top of really challenging diagnosis, but it is I think one of the most critical things as well.

Thanks for sharing that.

Have you met anybody that you feel really connected to.

Other cancer patients, especially younger ones like people my age.

It's honestly crazy to meet them and to talk about the experiences because they're so eerily similar.

It's honestly a breath of fresh air because it's like, you know what I'm going through, Like you know the exact feelings that I'm having.

You know the anxiety of will my hair fall out?

Will I be able to have children one day?

Like you know every worry that I've had.

Yeah, So that's been like honestly, such an amazing source of connection for me.

So you mentioned earlier that sharing can be cathartic for you.

Part of your story that no one expected was that there would be people that out in your story.

So you caught the attention of a very strange corner of the Internet where people gathered in Reddit forums to try and prove that you did not have cancer.

Just for the record, you do and you did have cancer.

But how did you become aware of this?

Yeah, So I was actually with my brother.

I had gone home, I think for Christmas, for the holidays, and he offhand mentioned, oh, that Reddit page, and I thought he was joking because I had only heard of Reddit pages in the context.

Of like celebrities.

So I was like, what possibly could people be having to say about me?

All I do is post, you know, because of me going to chemo and talking about like the struggles that I'm experiencing.

So I was kind of in shock when you first said that, and I think he didn't know that it would have such an impact.

On me at the time.

But then I of course went and looked.

At it right away, because even though I think all of us would rather not see bad things about ourselves online.

We're all curious, and so I went on pretty much right away and saw that people were saying that I was faking it because I still had hair, because I was still going out and hanging out with my friends, because I was still exercising, and I was in complete shock, and I honestly felt like I had to prove myself.

I was like, I have to prove that I have cancer, which sounds so silly that you would ever have to prove.

That to people online.

But when you do post online.

I think you are subject to criticism, unfortunately, and a lot more than you would otherwise be if you were just going through it normally.

So you got a doctor's note, and then the New York Times did a piece on you about the whole situation.

How did you feel when the piece came out?

I honestly felt like a little bit of a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I felt like I had been thinking about for so long, how do I prove that I'm going through this.

I already show that I'm going to chemo every week.

I already show myself with like the infusion actively going in.

I was like, how can I possibly change people's minds who clearly just don't want their minds to be changed.

They have this really strong belief.

So once there was the definitive someone else had seen me go to chemo, had gone with me, had talked to my doctor, and had proven that yes, she does have cancer, that was kind of like a sigh of relief.

This is one of the strangest stories.

It must have felt so bizarre.

It was so weird to live through on top of also going to chemo.

Yeah, because I was already like, this is such a mental challenge to go through every day just having cancer, but then add another layer on top of having to try to prove that you have cancer or to question that everything you're posting.

When you're sad and you're posting you crying, people are saying that it's fake.

When you're happy, people are saying that it's too positive and it's toxic positivity.

It's like, how can I just show up as myself and not be criticized or judged for it.

It's so difficult.

Well, it's really bizarre to feel like you have to perform for the internet when what you're dealing with is so isolating to begin with.

Yeah, and I do feel now that the New York Times article has happened, honestly, like it could be so much more of myself again, Like I'm not questioning everything I'd post.

It's just me and I'm not like, oh, is someone gonna criticize me for this or.

Judging for this?

You know good.

At the same time, You've also seen like huge beauty come from the internet.

I think people have posted so many messages of support, donated money for you and your mom.

I see a lot of messages of love.

What do you think it is about your story that resonates with people so deeply?

I think it We briefly touched on this before, but I think that showing all sides of what I'm going through has been a very relatable experience for people, because you do so often on social media see only the best sides of things and only the positive and only the highlights.

But that's not what I'm going through.

It's not the.

Highlights, it's everything.

It's the good and the bad.

And I always say that you can't have the good without the bad, and have the bad without the good, And so I think that people see that I'm going through something challenging and I am struggling, and everyone has had something that they've gone through.

What do you think somebody like me who's watching your experience on the internet doesn't actually understand.

Probably how challenging it is on a daily basis.

It's not something that I can clock in and clock out of.

And I feel like people online sometimes you watch and you see such a small segment of their life, and you think that you can understand.

But I just don't think unless you.

Go through this yourself, you can possibly understand how physically and mentally challenging and draining it is on a daily basis to think about and to just have to deal with.

I think that unless you go through it, it's really hard to understand.

You seem so wise beyond your years, Sydney, and I would imagine that there's some lessons from this journey that people don't understand or wouldn't know until they got older.

How do you feel like you've changed the most in.

The last few years in so many ways?

I think that I've always had a lot of empathy for other people, but I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned is you never know what someone is going through.

Yeah, and I think that I'm a great case in point for that because I'm actively in chemo and still have my hair and don't look maybe like the picture of someone who typically has cancer, and that has allowed me as well to think about what other people are going through that you might not be able to see, whether it be something mentally or something that they're dealing with themselves or their family, Like, you never know the kind of day that someone is having, So to lead with compassion and lead with empathy, I think is one of the most important things that I've taken from this experience.

Yeah, do you feel pressure to live every day to its fullest?

Yes?

And no.

I kind of feel like I do want to live as much as possible.

But I also feel like it changed my focus to kind of enjoy that rest time and enjoy the time where I'm just like sitting with friends watching TV like that has kind of become The most important thing is those small moments.

So it's not necessarily taking big trips or going skydiving or whatever, but also just those times when you're just sitting with your family or your friends and just enjoying life.

I have a list of things that every year I put together that I want to do.

Do you have a list of things you're wanting to do or is it important to throw those out the window.

I think I have thrown them out the window.

I think it's important to take it for me day by day.

That's also one of the biggest lessons is to not think too far ahead and to just enjoy like right here.

And so for me, it's like I can try to plan these trips, but my plans will probably be changed.

I had a trip planned to Austria that I canceled because I had my second surgery.

So it's really hard to have these big lists or accomplishments that I want to have because I don't know what's going to happen and things are constantly changing.

So I think that being right here is honestly the most important thing for me.

You've become a voice and an advocate in this space too.

You mentioned that you spoke at a conference.

Yeah, how has this experience in your diagnosis changed your career and your influencing.

I mean, I never envisioned myself to be speaking in front of other people.

I always got so nervous giving presentations in class, and like, I have so much anxiety around public speaking normally, but knowing that like I can help people by speaking about things and like by advocating has been so cool for me, Like I never thought that I would be an advocate.

And as far as just like my career in trajectory, I've always had the same career from being diagnosed to now.

But I think having something that I'm really passionate about has been so cool as well, because it doesn't feel.

Like a job or anything.

It's just something that I show up and I talk to people on the internet and can relate to people and in turn in helping so many people and they're helping me.

So it's taken quite an unexpected turn, but in the best way possible.

I like hearing that thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you something, and I hope that it doesn't come off the wrong way.

If it does, you can punch me in the face or tell me say pass.

But if today and hopefully you wouldn't be spending your last day on earth with me, But if today were your last day on earth, Yeah, what would you want to tell people?

What would you want people to know?

I've actually thought about this before, Like if I were to make one more video.

What would I say, and it was my last video, I think I would just remind people what I've said to you already is to treat people with kindness like that is literally the biggest thing that I could tell anyone, especially dealing with the Reddit stuff.

It's like, just treat people with compassion and thee and treat people the way that you want to be treated.

It sounds so cliche and it's such a common saying, but I feel like we never know what someone is going through, and if you could spread like a little bit of kindness, a little bit of positivity goes such a.

Long way for someone else, and it could make their day.

They're weak.

That's the thing that I would always tell people.

That's really beautiful, And I think cliche are in our culture for a reason.

That's true, that's true.

I'm going to do some rapid fire.

Okay, something you're avoiding that's on your to do.

List, rescheduling my therapy because I love her, but she also makes me think way too hard sometimes.

Yes, I understand that a core memory you reflect on the.

Most, probably the day that I found out that I had cancer.

I think I'll always just think about picking up that report for the first time, and seeing the words cancer or carcinoma, I think I will always be such a strong memory in my mind.

If you could choose where your taxes go, where would you allocate them?

I think, going through what I've gone through, I would say cancer research, especially with cancer research and NIH being defunded.

I've also seen so many other cancer patients not be able to get life saving treatment because it's way too expensive or their insurance won't cover it.

So that's right, an iconic piece of clothing you love to.

So I already have kind of my door with the shoes on right now.

So I think I would like to wear her red slippers because I feel like it'd be a little magical.

A book that changed your life, something you think everybody should read.

I really liked The Midnight Library.

I read it before I was diagnosed, and it made me have such a different perspective on what ifs.

Like I'm a big burnt toast theory person, and so it kind of shows you that maybe the alternatives or like lives that you think would be so amazing actually wouldn't be so amazing for you.

Like your life is perfect for you the way.

It is that's really beautiful something that every woman should try once.

I think therapy, I think I would say that for any person, not just women.

But there's a book the body keeps the Score, and I think women especially have a lot of trauma ingrained that maybe they aren't even consciously knowledgeable of.

So I think that going to therapy and also being single, because I think being single is just so important.

You learn so much about yourself.

I've learned so much about myself over the past years, and I think it's just good practice to go on solo dates and to like know that you're the most important person in your life and someone else is just adding on to that.

They're not making you a whole person, because your whole on your own.

You really understand that at a much younger age than most people.

The smartest decision you've ever made.

Believing in myself in so many ways, because I never thought I would get into Dartmouth and I believed in myself and I did it.

I never thought I would be a model and I ended up trying it and I did it.

I never thought I would get my yoga certification and I did it.

So I think just knowing that you can do almost anything that you set your mind to, and having confidence that's been really important for me.

Yeah, I have the question everything card gave and please, okay, pick whichever card.

It's sort of like taro, like whichever one you feel connected to.

Okay, it's weird people usually pick the card that's meant for them.

Really, Yeah, what compliment do you hear the most?

Which means the most to you?

And which one makes you the most uncomfortable?

That's actually a really good question.

I think the one that makes me most uncomfortable or that I don't know how to react to, is when people say you look so healthy, just because I know it's meant to be a compliment, but it's also like you don't know what's going on beneath the surface.

And I think the compliment that means the most to me is probably that I've inspired someone, just because it's crazy to me that I am inspiring people just by being vulnerable and sharing online.

So it always means so much when people like stop me in the street or comment that I love that.

Thank you.

I feel like you've given millions of people inspiration but also courage to face their lives with more hope.

And I want to thank you for all that you share and who you are, because you show up as you every single day, good, bad, ugly heart, all of it, and you're a special person.

Sidney.

Thank you.

I really appreciate that, and thank you for having me and letting me share a little bit more about.

My story and myself.

Okay, you know what time it is.

Today's a good day, to have a good day.

I'll see you next week.