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Let's.

Pod Put on your pod shoes and dance the Blues.

Let's pod.

That's how we do.

Are we doing an inch?

Are we rolling?

You go on them.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the episode of Hot Waters Green Room Podcast with me, Tony Carroll.

Hey, fire hat on Jamie Hutchinson here.

And we have a returning guest, our friend and a legend in hot waters Green Room podcast history, Mr.

Mark Nelson, everyone.

Hello, that was so fucking professional.

That you said that I feel.

Genuinely.

Guess what, Mark?

I am 34 in three days.

So yeah, yeah, I'm feeling very mature this week.

Yeah.

So I'm thinking that.

Was that was slick.

Yeah, usually 6.

Slick.

You usually 6 takes.

Yeah, it was 6 takes.

And I haven't been drinking six days, so I'm feeling a bit clear about it.

Right.

Yeah.

But even the even the like so I remember he did enter the last time it was on and it was like fucking Jabba the Hutt.

It wasn't that bad, was it?

That was, that was generally professional.

You have I thought that the last time when I was last down and we went out that night, I thought I said to you that you'd lost a good bit of weight.

Yeah, I was round of, I was round of Bentley.

Yeah, I was.

Coke Diet Man.

No, but I'm I've tried, I've tried that basis, it doesn't, it doesn't work because even though I don't eat, I drink, I drink lager, I drink lager.

I think it's water on the coke.

And the next day I just ordered the the meals that I missed the day before.

I say, yeah, just catch up.

I order Mackeys next day.

I order two meals.

Yeah, so it's not just eating Mackeys that day.

I I eat 2 the next day.

Would you do that?

There's there's M pick of the Manjaro no.

But the only reason I haven't it's just just you've just just you to be lazy, really.

You can't have that lazy one year old.

I'm just buying it and then just doing it and I don't.

Know I think it's going to be a massive it's early it's early in the episode but.

Whee whoo.

When shit.

Spinachy theory.

I think this is M pic on Manjaro.

Yeah, I think they're injecting you, get you addicted, hike the prices up and then making millions and stuff.

And I think in time, maybe not in our lifetime, but in time, because all the people are having them, it'll be in their genetic sense.

So they're spunking kids out who are not, you know, like smack heads who have kids who are addicted to smack.

They're going to have.

That that they're going to be skinny kids.

And then they're going to edit the formula slightly because what pharmaceutical companies do here, they edit a formula slightly to get a new patent on it.

So they go, oh, this stops you being addicted to food and make sure wax melt.

So they'll adapt it slightly and then they'll put mind control in it.

They'll make addicted to other Banjaro.

That took it.

That took a massive jump there at the end there.

Yeah, I said it like this.

Mind control.

They'll make you addicted.

Get the.

Fucking mind control over.

They'll make you addicted to dog food and they'll own the dog food compare.

They'll own Pedigree Trump and that, yeah.

There's not many calories in that anyway.

Is this?

You tried to feed me a dog biscuit the other day.

He kept on going.

He's a good boy in that.

He's dead blood.

You know we you know I I just I I seen dog biscuits and I tried to send it was a normal biscuits what he knew it was like he death them before.

I've been I.

No, I've been scammed of it before that's all.

New scammed went round my mate's house once and obviously I'm I'm fucking tramps.

I never had like home cup meals really do.

I mean never had like a Stew or anything.

I like the way he said home cooked meals is you.

Yeah, that's like probably bottom end of home cooked meals like.

Yeah, no, I was just.

That's that's, that's queuing up in Russia kind of meals.

Like that's not I've never had even fucking.

I've never had stale bread.

I was just freezer food.

Drop me fish fingers and that I went around me mates.

I was like, I almost got some leftover Stew there, I want some.

And he warmed up.

Pedigree chum man.

No.

My dog food smells nice as well.

Jeez, it smells nice.

It smells like the best gravy you've ever heard.

And then you say I've taste to be volley.

My crave dog food and all that to watch me eat it Mum how?

Did you go?

Yeah, so didn't I be rude?

I went.

I don't.

I said I went jeez since I was like.

You need to give me the recipe.

Yeah, I remember being dead young about 1011, and I was not young really.

I remember smelling the dog food and go and I'm just like looking around.

No, No, you didn't.

I did.

Yeah, you voluntarily.

A dog food.

From the 10.

Yeah, they would have put out in the dog's bowl.

OK, so I.

Smelt that nice?

Ones oh, that makes yeah.

Got no balls?

You know, put it in a proper plate like.

It's funny the way I explain that I got a little answer me dad that didn't see me but I just told 1000 people.

That's scruffy, that I.

Used to eat sugar like how I can sell, but I used to eat sugar out the bowl as well.

Love.

I mean, Dad, you just smacked my ass.

If you said you called me.

He was like, just have a bowl of sugar for you, tea and coffee and obviously a teaspoon.

And I was just like, like that weekend the whole way.

Sneak into the kitchen and just call it that teaspoon.

Just eat sugar, love.

And I don't.

Think that's that bad?

Best in dog food?

It's better than dog food.

I ever eaten butter.

No, no, no.

That's bad.

Oh, you soon you're just eating.

Skinny kid Mark right, was a skinny kid and then I broke.

I broke.

I got run over when I was 6, right?

So a tie went over my leg kind of broke me.

Fibula and tibia.

Is it of them right broke snap them as in a wheelchair for the year.

And that's when I put the weight on.

But that's what I thought and I

was, I was about 6:00 then six or seven and, and it's always, I was like was in a wheelchair for the year and stuff and like I had to get properly reconstructed because it was a kid that was sound because obviously he's still growing and all that.

So it wasn't, you know, complications and ever.

But I, I thought that was the problem when I like, I thought that was because it was off my feet for a year and stuff and then and all that.

It was a big thing.

It happened on my street and I lived in a very small coldish stuff.

I don't remember all the neighbors coming out with sweets and cakes and stuff.

So I thought that was it.

And everyone else forgot about the sound.

Fat Tony's been run over.

Not enough hours of fat Tony.

Yeah, skinny Tony.

Just Tony.

Yeah.

And then and then I was.

In the car.

Athlete, athlete.

Tony's been run over.

Athlete Tony and then when?

I've got fucking money on him.

When I said, when I said this to me Dad, yeah, like years, years ago, I said yeah, fucking if that fucking pizza didn't knock me over, I would have been a footy player all night.

Yeah, and he went now he went.

You always have like a vacuum that went no local pictures.

I was skinny, but no, I know, but it was always common.

I said what he said he said when we used to do dinner for you, you and your sister.

Now when I'm saying Ron, you just rob your sister's dinner at like 3-4 just grabbing a wheels mine, I mean eat mine is said you're always going to be a fucking like but I added the editors.

What caused that accident that you know what I mean but always tell.

Yourself that tell yourself that.

Which?

You got to tell yourself that.

You've got to tell yourself it's not your fault.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you got to shift the blame when it is done, when people say it's like Grand Julia or thyroid and that.

Oh yeah, you're a fat.

Mess.

You know what I mean?

That's what I that's that's why, that's why I hate fat people, to be honest, because always miss like they're always like too.

They'll have a too happy or too miserable like.

Yeah, Jamie's right.

Like, yeah, if you can give an excuse for your behaviour, that's like when I suck off guys on Saturday nights, it's because I run over.

When I was a kid, get run over.

I was on my knees.

Oh, cock was there.

Oh, you got bitten by radioactive gay?

As a kid.

Spider Man.

Super duper fan.

There's better bit webs coming up my face.

Have you fluctuated with your weight?

You look like a fat person.

I am.

You got fat person eyes, aren't you?

What's fat person eyes?

Just like greedy.

Like, it's like get swallowed by Yeah.

I know I.

Do the more fatter I get, the more Asian I love?

Yeah.

Fuck yes, man, Yeah.

I noticed this the other day when I was saw a meal.

No, no, no, no.

You see a lot of pictures be gone or not, so it looks more Asian person.

Yeah.

Mark, what are you doing?

I'm just like, oh, he's fucking fat, Ebony.

But no, I was on that, I was on like a proper old school zoom type thing the other day.

They're like 7 different people and I couldn't stop looking at myself because I reckon I had proper Asian.

Eyes like.

Proper I always I don't want to say the words.

Can't do.

That did I tell you some bit the time I can't remember I've spoon about that's before when I went as Kim Young on to a Halloween party.

I thought I'm sure I.

Did that?

Was this one out?

Oh no.

Well, I have your.

You might I Oh.

Danny Allen did it.

Again, because we're talking, we're talking a bit of that.

We're talking a bit of that day because we're talking about like Halloween coming up.

And what was it when you having a pint?

It might be nice.

It was.

It was, yeah.

Yeah.

And I went like, it was like the kids had been invited to a Halloween party and me and my wife just assumed that it was going to be the adults would be dressed up as well.

And she didn't bother dressed, but she'd gone as like this.

She had a Penguin outfit on, but the Penguin outfit shouldn't.

She went in and realized none of the adults were dressed up.

She could just unzip that and put it off.

I'd gone as Kenny.

Online.

Where fucking I dyed my hair jet black.

Done it back.

I'm not proud to add slightly yellowed mascara.

It was a it was a different time.

I.

Just had sweaty beers more that week and and.

But because I'm and then I noticed when I smiled, I had I was doing the eyes as well.

So, but I was the only fucking adult there.

That's so funny.

That was.

Dressed as Kim Young on did.

You stay.

Oh.

I stayed, yeah, some people thought I was Michael McIntyre.

I'd run with that, yeah.

So I come back inside.

I got jaundice.

It's pick McIntyre if you ever guess in The Simpsons.

What's what's can you remember as obviously it's almost Halloween.

Obviously it's it's coming up soon.

It's that season.

Did you remember as a kid like the worst and best thing you got a trick or treat?

I was thinking this day.

I can tell you right.

The best thing is I think kids get better stuff now.

But do you know what?

I think that stinks.

Shake monkey nuts don't really get handed out.

That was my favorite thing.

What's Monkey?

Nuts should be shelled, not oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just got a big bag of them and the shittest thing I ever got, which was my fault.

I get given a coconut one year right on Halloween right and and Kingston.

Nobody ever goes to Bob Marley's.

House and.

I but it was my own fault because I was a proper wee prick.

That year I wrote a poem on the for Halloween like an absolute wee GIMP.

So.

Everything I mean like a proper like 3 stands a poem.

Poem.

I don't think even think it was.

I think it was about the street, like mentioning everyone in the street in their houses and stuff, but but doing like different things at all.

Fucking like Mr.

Johnson said.

He's he's hedge spent these fence painted and all that kind of stuff.

Like just that.

I thought I was a genius and like everyone hated me.

And then I got the punishment was I didn't get any sweets.

He just gave me a Coke.

Yeah, I remember going around there with me Dad.

He was living over the water at the time and I was ever going over there to see me dad and it took me round the streets over the water and I remember getting a Pot Noodle.

I was fucking so happy about that.

A green Pot Noodle.

Ready.

Made-up.

Sick what ready made?

No, no, no.

Not yet to do yourself, but.

That was not like that.

Now just a full Pot Noodle and I was like this is sick.

That is close.

I remember, I remember, I remember getting told by the Linda over the over man, she hated me much.

She was one of, you know, the ball going on the garden.

Fuck off, knife in it.

I remember they're saying to me, aren't you too old for trick or treat?

And I was like 10, so you know what I mean.

I was like, fucking.

I never did it.

You never did trick or treating.

No, I work loud.

Why?

Sweat loud mum never want to spend any money on like outfits and that I went to a 16th.

Would you make sense if your mum was a meth to send you all to get?

To I went, I went, I was 16.

I went to my mate's birth party like.

There, we're there, we're there.

That's no, because she went Skype.

So you never went trick or treating ever?

No.

The people knock at your house.

Yeah.

Not one year, no.

You never went.

Just stay still like T Rex.

You also stay quiet so you don't have to end this at all.

Every year, yeah, an army mates to the range to meet and go out and room to do you want that to go?

And did you get your egg?

Did you get your house egg with them all over you just move on.

Just one of them.

It was just lights off and all and just.

Pretend to be out, yeah.

And didn't you ever did you let let go out once?

Nope, not for other we know she's I'm not spending money on an outfit your eye once and all this and then when I was 16 my mate had a fancy dress party.

I went please mom, please let me have fancy dress once.

I just like I'm not spending money on it.

She put an old shirt on, she put cig dimps in it and went to go as a pirate.

Couldn't you just done that as a kid though?

I'm.

Sure it's smoking then?

Fuck off lads.

Fucking shit like.

That's proper.

That's probably here.

We don't know.

Do you not have that one?

You just let him out to get some sweets, man.

Sheet over your hair to cut too.

Fine, here it goes.

My dad had my dad had a white hooded funny, do you?

Know what's coming?

So what's coming soon?

Special.

Oh, Jamie and Tony.

'S trick or treating.

Oh, we'll go get patrons addresses.

If you go around, Oh yeah, go around the.

House to God.

See they give us.

Yeah, but like in March or something, yeah.

Marches dressed as ghosts.

Give us some sweets, love.

Yeah, we never, never.

What about like at school?

Do you have Halloween parties and stuff like that?

Not really, I was a very nervous child that didn't like parties and stuff, don't like meeting other people.

That's made me sad that.

That's made me sad that you sat, you sat there every Halloween, everyone's having fun and getting sweets and that and usually as a family just sitting there in the dark waiting to finish.

That's probably.

Him, I didn't go.

I didn't go to people's birthday parties or anything.

Like, you know, when everyone reminisces about birthday party.

Yeah.

Do you remember back your warehouse and McDonald's?

I'm like no, never got to go.

That's fucked.

Up Do you ever think like your mum's just telling you this stuff and you just nobody liked you?

Oh my God.

I was what?

I'm inviting the little weirdo Jamie.

Thing was, Jamie, you were really anxious as a child so we didn't want to put you through.

Oh, I was.

My mom hit me once for like being too nervous.

She used to hit me for like fucking being nervous.

And that's fucking wild.

Oh yeah, I've never been I so I don't answer now.

I really want to take your secret.

You want to think if I take him I would get arrested?

When did you become like, so if you were like a nervous kid, when did you start coming out of it then?

Because like I would like doing you, I would consider you one of the least, no, no outgoing people, like one of the least not outgoing people I've ever met.

Very nervous.

Yeah, but off, off, yeah, but off stage, off like off stage is quite, quite.

Shy.

I was the first.

I was, isn't it?

I was one of the I was.

Also no, no I.

Would say I was thought you'd be a fucking life of a party like.

Well, I can't once I've had, you know, once I've started to get pissed on that I am.

But I was when I was when I was 18, for example, I used to do mad things.

Just like they'll set yourself on poor vodka and set myself on fire and.

Jackass kind of shit.

Jackass neck.

Dirty Pints.

And stuff and just sort of just sort of be like.

Just be mad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did that.

Kind of shit.

Like I I'm not that different like I was.

I was always popular.

I mean to be honest.

Ever since the accident.

Yeah, I was really shy.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was always a popular guy.

Me, always a popular guy.

I was the first onto pens in year 4 and I think people thought it was a bit big for me.

Boots don't you start on pencils and that and then when you couldn't write and you know you can go onto pens.

How do you remember that?

What?

Because I remember being first, I was like, yeah, hey Ricardo, nice pencil that the ink went, yeah, but we're all having a party, like, and you're not invited, so come play with your pens.

Three years later, you're using a quill.

Still on his own on Halloween nights.

Don't need friends who've got ink.

Good luck you had poisoning boys.

You've got kids, Mark, Have you?

Yeah.

So do you have to like, do they go out?

Yeah, they go out awesome.

It's fucking massive now.

Like it's much bigger than when I was a kid.

Like they look proper love.

It.

No, it's.

Apple in the bath mates used to love that, yeah.

Did you do so?

I was obviously you.

Start # Queens in the apples was.

Right.

Oh, so you're doing the Duncan for you don't have?

A fruit bar.

Give a Do you ever do the thing where they'd hang an apple from a string and cover it in fucking treacle?

Yeah, yeah.

And you have to like is that Bob and weave it.

Like, well, it's pumped out.

They are apples, don't they?

Tough Apple.

That's a toffee apples.

That's a.

Toffee Apples Halloween.

How was it?

I guess both.

Thanks, just I.

I would like to have a boat fire and I just put a potato in for you on the Bobby underneath.

There.

Yeah.

Yeah, every that.

Sounds nice.

Belty, Yeah.

Have you seen the I always enjoy the videos from Northern Ireland during bonfire night.

Oh yeah, I like God.

PTSD everywhere.

Can't.

Like they've built the back.

I was like PTSD everywhere again.

Bonfire out there since 69.

I'm a bonfire decade.

Penny for that guy?

Yeah, that's cool, that mum.

Yeah.

So you just need a full pay of them tonight.

Are you driving back tonight?

So.

I'm head back tonight.

I'm downs far.

I don't mind it at all.

Yeah, no, because I've not been down for a while and I've not a we were spoke like we're all supposed to do this.

Yeah, Yeah, we were.

Supposed to solve homelessness tonight.

I love.

And unfortunately, the bank.

First like.

Back those to do that.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, Yeah.

So.

Sorry about that guys.

Fucking hard luck tramps.

It's another year in the streets.

Hey, if you are hungry though, go trick or treating.

How good is that?

A homeless course?

He's pissed himself and everything like that again.

Have you listened?

To souls, that's worth a go.

Like it?

Yeah.

There's a couple of things I've always so have you ever had one of the cinema cards?

I mean you buy like a card for the cinema, yes.

It's like when I first got it was like £10 a month and so you go and see two films and that's it paid for.

I always used to think that would be a good move.

For the home, if you were homeless, yeah, but.

Then you can't.

I know you can't get there but at that point you could just go in and pay like a lump sum.

So if you got a a shit load of money together and paid for a year's worth of cinema, that's you every day.

Yeah, no, we can't sleep there.

No, no you can't.

No, I know night times are going to be.

Let's you change your your your sleeping hours, baby.

I.

Love sleeping you?

Reset your clock and you're like, yeah, your night time is daytime.

Yeah.

So you're just.

Wandering through the nights and then you go in and watch like Bluey 2.

Yeah, yeah.

And any defence, any like any of the popcorns being thrown or anything, you know you could.

And you've got bathroom facilities.

Yeah, washing the sink.

Washing the sink.

I've always said if I was homeless I'd just rub a bunk because you win either way.

Because obviously if you get away with the money then you've got money, and if you don't then you go jail and you've got a bed.

It's not.

It's not that bad an idea.

I think.

I think.

I'm going to go jail.

I'm not going to get away with the bank robbery.

I might.

Be.

Tony, get them tights off your head.

Laddered you.

It's not.

It's a sweet baggage.

Money, please.

I'll get the tights off your head, Tony.

Have you got a Cinema card?

Yeah.

Robbed this for the Cinema Card.

Or buying all day in the underground.

Have you ever thought about getting away?

Have you ever thought about robbing a bank and getting away with it?

I've, I've visualized at all sounds made what I'd do.

I'd also get away from a helicopter as well if you want to hear it, no.

I of course I do, but.

What happens is, well it's in Liverpool, obviously that's where I'm from and I rob a bank in Old Swan.

So it's an area in Liverpool and I just go in there.

I've got tight on me head and I've got a banana and a sock.

Looks like a gun.

I go over to the girl who's on the cashier desk and I go excuse me?

And she's like, oh, I'm like gives you money.

And she's like, oh, don't shoot me and I won't shoot you.

I promise you just give me the money.

And then she gives me the money and I wrote and then she presses the alarm.

I've got a car outside, waited.

I get it in the car and so I have off on the head towards.

You can't drive.

Yeah, I can't drive.

I just don't.

I just haven't got a license.

You could then I've already fucked up.

I I've not got.

It at that point.

He's not my we have got a license.

We can't drive that.

I'd also drive a car.

No, you don't.

Okay, Jamie, right, so I'll use Danny's test of.

The way that's the stop in this potential plan, Yeah.

Are you fucked up there, Tony?

I get to the car and go, Oh yeah, Jamie.

Jamie reminded that I can't drive.

Yeah, there's no money back.

I'll be, I'll be in the passage seat.

That won't me.

I will.

You won't.

You'll be calling the police.

You I so I have all this money, gets in the car, drives down Queens drive the helicopter, then no police are coming.

And I'm just like oh fuck off man.

And then the helicopter comes.

I'm like, fuck, get rid of the helicopter.

And then I go drive all the way down Queens Drive and say, say it's about 3 miles from the bank to the an Asda called Walton Asda, right.

And it's like the one of the biggest Asda's in Liverpool.

And the car park always folds loads people there all the time.

Probably rob the bank around 2-3 PM when it's the busiest.

And then I'd go into the Asda with all my money.

Yeah.

And I'll put it in like a bin bag or something.

And I walk in and then in the Asda you go to your left.

There's which where I look loads are like as you know, George by Asda.

And then I go in there and I change my outfit and then I just walk out.

Yeah, but the staff will go.

There's a fat naked mess here trying on all the George.

No, because I discovered the changing rooms.

You won't.

You won't have your size in that stuff, just.

Walk that with a thing like that.

It's not the plot to Oceans 11.

Starring the Whale.

What was it?

What's the helicopter thing then?

The helicopters followed me into the Asda.

Oh, you're all right.

I thought you, I thought you were getting away in the helicopter.

No, it's, it's trying to chase me down man.

I've just robbed fucking 12 into a pound of the 12 by the balcony old Swan.

Oh, that pretty grand one.

We still buy a cinema card.

I just figured if your boss plays to go in a busy shop and said to change your clothes and walk house, you know, put a Red Hat on or something.

Yeah.

There's a big Tesco in Old Swan.

Why would you not go to Tesco?

It's like, yeah, it's not.

Exciting.

Imagine I'm on a film.

You don't.

Like do you know?

What I mean like imagine that on a film you rob the banker and the these are Tesco, literally opposite really.

Same with the bankers.

Like you want to chase for a bit, don't give a bit of excitement.

You're not going to call the pack and go all right, I was walk over the Tesco.

Asda is a better option.

Yeah.

Because you got like run in a little and go fuck.

They don't sell clothes.

Oh.

You.

Can't run a.

Full fisherman's outfit and.

You could get.

Around the cotton butter sauce on your head.

And one of the Asda fucking pizzas are nice as well, aren't they?

I'm not going to stop the pizza, Jane, you know.

I'm all for you driving, I'm all for you saying you can drive without a licence, but there is no way you're walking past that pizza.

I'll take a full chicken, roast chicken that's going to.

Fuck me up actually I changed clothes, get away with it and then the finger golf and robbed all the chocolate.

I get nicked for the chocolate robbery then.

The idea of a guy coming out in a new suit and a Red Hat eating a chicken.

There it is.

He's just blended in.

Well, I'm like a robot.

Well, I might if I don't get paid.

I'd I was thinking about murder the other night, I'd kill someone near an airport.

Yeah, pop him.

But I've got I've got some spare clothes in a park, toilet job, public park.

She killed someone near.

The near an airport.

Yeah, Yeah, but pre planned of a set of clothes in a park toilet, right?

Kill someone in a block of flats, come down and I run into the bushes of the park where there's no cameras and just stay there for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.

Get changed into some jogging.

Like I'm jogging and I've got stuff in my butt.

I just look like a jogger.

You don't look like a jogger though.

What the hell?

I could jog better than you can drive.

What special going soon?

And then you just go like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Go to the airport.

What are you?

Going to do with the weapon that you.

Killed.

That's how do you have.

Left in the park toilet.

How have you killed them though?

It's a hair.

He's killed a hair, hasn't he?

I don't know.

I don't think.

He's killed a hair.

The person you've killed, he's a hair, isn't it?

He's a hair.

It's a woman.

Woman.

Oh no, He.

No, no, come on.

Ended me bro.

You're not killed.

No, man.

No, no, he's pissed me off.

He has, yeah.

What's he done?

What he's been doing podcast.

He'll be back too.

Too tired.

For the last time, motherfucker.

I'm sorry.

I won't really shoot.

You and then so you shoot a man You where you what are you going with the gun?

I'm leaving it in the park toilets.

Oh God, so the police will find the gun.

I'm already off to Spain and they don't know it's me.

And you've got you've got clothes on.

Oh, I've got other.

I've got someone else's fingerprints.

Nice, how'd you get there?

What the other person that killed scrape them off?

Basically, yeah.

And then all your clothes, your beard and anything just leaving them.

I'm leaving them in the park toilet.

Skinny skids on.

Banged out beer.

How would you kill Soma?

I've always thought I've read the thing the other day about seeing people kill people and they have to like what?

Like accidentally kill people and they have to hide the body?

Why don't they ever bury it in a cemetery?

I've seen people have done that, you know, have they?

If you come across a fresh like a funeral has been because imagine with with cemeteries, there must be a funeral a day at least.

Oh, there's loads.

Isn't it a day?

Like Conveyor, but it's like the generation game.

Nice so if you Chuck in a dead body on top of.

A fresh.

Unit all that day.

My dad.

Probably getting caught because by the time, surely by the time that then comes around, it's going to take a lot to discover the DNA of the two corpses that are in that.

They used to do that.

They used to.

What was in that?

Yeah, I'm not.

But then you've got to, you've got to dig out.

You've got to obviously dig the focal thing up.

But the but The thing is though, because it's going to be fresh ground, so it's not going to take that long, it's loose duck.

Yeah, yeah.

You pay a funeral director just say can.

I no you don't want to get anyone in on.

It he stays, he's trusted.

No, bro, no.

We've used him for years.

He.

Doesn't I just wouldn't kill anyone anymore that's.

What I'd say, I don't know.

It's tempting saying that though I can't do it.

Like even Spy doesn't that me so I have to catch him and releasing me.

Don't you squeeze your spider?

I don't squirt him.

I used to.

I used to be a cunt dinner.

I used to put rings of salt around slugs and watch him suffer.

Jesus, Jimmy.

Fucking psycho.

I know it's mad.

Fucking add the off to your story.

Don't tell your story.

Fucking hell, ring assault and just go and watch you go.

How long did you watch you for, Bastard?

I was.

I'd leave it and go to bed and would come back.

It's just a black little shrift have.

You ever seen that video of the guy that does he leaves like a block of food and there's one Ant comes and crawls all over it and then he's obviously like the the canal, but the scout Ant.

So he's going to send out to look for food.

He crawls over it, fucks off, comes back with a shit load of ants saying I found the motherboard, they're going to carry it back.

But by this point he's replaced it with a stone, right?

So all the other ants come along, crawl over this thing and then you can almost see them fucking berating the guy.

You fucking speeds it does it like 3 different times and you can, you can actually see, you can see the other ants getting gangry at this fucking scout.

And he's like, I swear to God in his food.

It's like, you're fucking done this again.

It's.

Incredible.

Like, it's so funny.

I'm surprised it didn't kill.

Bees do that, you know.

What kill do?

Yeah, because bees go on the pistol there.

Bees love alcohol lad.

So yeah, bees nip in I have a bit of copper burger and a bear garden.

Yeah, go back to the I've meet your I've are mine that trying to beard or yeah, and then tries to get in the I've and they have like guard bees saying now you're not tonight.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, and he's actually fucked up.

And they go, if you're pissed again, lad, you're getting stung to death and they fucking kill him.

Yeah, being pissed.

There's one bee walking back and I'm a shag.

The queen tonight?

Yeah, where?

She's been looking at me.

She held the door open for yeah.

Yeah, animals like us, We're just ants, bro.

Just like koalas.

Yeah, koalas are stoned all the.

Time.

But I can imagine that happening to us, though.

Someone could do that to me and Tony, which if someone, if someone said to me, yeah, couldn't meet me outside, oh, lad, go and meet me.

I've got a bag of coke here and it'll go like that to me.

And I'll say to you, hey, think he's got a bag of Coke over there.

And he turns back and it's just a bag of Harry Bowl.

You'd come in and batter me.

Do you know what I mean?

That could definitely happen to us because we have fickles.

But I wouldn't I just fucking.

I'll be angry like.

Yeah.

You'd soften the Arab all that wouldn't, Yeah.

I was kissing like a.

Shake of that shake of this on the box thing has happened.

It's a bag of shit.

What the fuck is this?

Did you mistake that for Coke?

She's.

A wrong colour.

She's not been sniffing it.

I'll be like.

10 and I was the bag for fuck sake.

Why is the chicken?

But if I'm told it's coke and good enough, I'd like rummage through that shit lad.

But it must be something that oh God, you.

Know what I mean?

In your your heyday used to be like that in you.

Yeah, I've smashed.

Your heyday You've you've, you've, you've.

You've convinced.

Your in my heyday.

In my heyday when I've convinced I'm sure I had another bag on me, sure I had another bag.

And it's not.

You're never right.

Oh yeah.

I've I've crushed up paracetamol, sniff that, hope it'll give me a placebo effect but knowing I'm I'm doing it as I'm doing it.

What just the?

Just the sheer action?

Are you just not some?

Relative doing a cave.

Wow, that's fucked up.

Why?

That's.

I've I've been convinced like I've I've looked for hours of this bag of coke and I've been like he was definitely one there locked and I've just been like it's seven more.

I'm I've sobered up now I'm like what a waste of time that was went to bed.

I swear that my next day woke up like fucking 4 to 4:00 PM come down.

What the fuck?

Well into my jeans there's a bag of culture.

I'm like I searched that pocket 100 times.

I fucking the worst and.

Then I've flushed it I.

Don't even want you anymore.

Anymore.

Yeah, I.

Was I was in an old telling my own sniffing run out and I'm fucking sure I had some.

I'm convinced there's some left and so I went of how's it got over here?

You know, on the counter where the cattle Isn't that so fucking snip.

Just dabbed what was left?

Plasterboard.

Oh.

No.

Stabbing your nose on, rubbing it in your gums.

Rubbing your gums in the.

Imagine that turned out to be the best thing ever and you discovered the plasterboard.

Jimmy Hudson.

I've been the plasterboard king of the.

Yeah, I've been sold plasterboard a few times when you mate in absence that was the worst by sort of being sold plasterboard.

There's a fella on the street sell that and everyone says don't obviously buy off people on the streets but after fucking 5 lbs.

And.

You know, Jet, generally, you know you, you get to know these people on the streets and this guy fucking just for hours.

Just have me for hours.

It's called some mates.

It's a big thing at the time where people were dropping dead and you know, like buying stuff and it was relationship fence all of a sudden.

So I was pissed outside of the time.

I go for a second speaks the same film and be like lad, trust me, it's sad, it's not good, it's good shit and I'll be like ladder not.

Then after 5-6 pints I was like, oh fuck yeah, what's your name, What's your name, What's your name?

And I go lad, don't fuck me over lads, can't be ass dying.

I'm stabbing you.

What?

I mean fuck this, like he said, let's try it before you buy it for squats and so.

Yeah, you wait with Spain's Plasterboard 6U I.

Swear to God, takes me around the corner, gives me some Yeah as a fuck off.

Oh, for Sam, for Boss.

Yeah, he went told he said lad.

He said we get bad names.

You know I'm just trying to make it all and I've got a little kid and all that gives me I've got a little kids way.

Please buy the speed gives me the speed on that.

Yeah, just trying to put food on the table bro on that and I'm like lad said sounds that that's decent gear.

That's it gives fucking a bonus way for what to give them under Duros said sounds.

She said lad, He said the promise.

She said I work loudly all the time.

My name's fucking.

I can't remember my name says whatever propagate me and I said you know what, I need a good man.

Thank you, Thank you.

Goes into the lads boy, is that how you said not to buff or I've just had one and sound.

She said fuck off really.

Yeah, So yeah, give us the lads when the bug come out and when's you messing?

So what lad?

It was just like he just picked the stone up off the floor and then put it in the bag because it's all right in over there it's wrapped dead tight and cling film.

But by saying the lads are fucking unraveled it like that for an hour, God did it was just like a bit of plasterboard like that was like talk about what, you're an idiot and he wants to give me a proper one, A proper.

Oh yeah, yeah, Scott.

I was like.

Oh, that's how the.

Scott I was outside pissed and go.

Has anyone seen Jared anywhere?

I hope his kid fucking dies.

One of.

The That's a focus kid.

Why don't we, Starves he.

Didn't have a kid bro.

He probably loudly, definitely love.

He was shagging the blood.

One of the grimmest things, grimmest things ever heard was a guy that was an alcoholic and he was trying to he he I was kind of talking to him about because he quit now and I was talking to him about like his lowest point and his lowest of a.

Point.

His lowest of a point was he was in and it was like middle of the afternoon and he was he, he was, he was due to pick his kids up from school and he.

He was looking about and he didn't have any, he didn't have any drink in the house and he didn't have any money that he could go and buy drink.

But he he was already pissed.

So what he did was he stuck his fingers down his throat, spewed up in a glass so that he could drink it again.

That's commitment.

That is.

And then went to pick his kids up.

Yeah.

But listen, Simon Wozniak is a great comedian.

Yeah, big up to another one.

That's bad, isn't it?

Like.

Listen, I don't think there's anyone that's more resourceful as an addict, you know.

Yeah, they will find a fucking way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They want like fucking Bear Grylls in the desert.

Do you know what I mean?

I've said it before, no one would out beat Bear Grylls can outlive me on a over.

Like you've only got £20 left in your overdraft, you got last or pay a day and still go and get pissed.

He won't know what to do.

That he would drink a camel piss.

I'll just be getting cold contact.

What do you?

Reckon, Jamie, you'd find the most difficult to give up gambling, drinking or Coke.

Probably gambling because it's intrinsic in my life.

That's why I enjoy the most as well.

That'll be a man's man's drink.

Man's drink, but.

Man that drinks the gateway for the other two.

That's the problem.

And I can't mind shagging.

There's not.

There's nothing more resourceful than a shagger the way you find suddenly you're back in a back alley in Amsterdam.

I wouldn't never.

I wouldn't do.

Fanny as dry as Fanny like dry ball.

I wouldn't do the 2 without drink though, so if I ever wanted to.

Ask a guy.

That's just, by the way, if I ever wanted to quit any of them.

But if I want to quit any of them, I don't have to quit one.

I love gambling man.

I don't.

I've never, never gamble sober.

Yeah.

Gamble never took.

Coke sober, I want to buy the drink I love the other.

Two travel festival in our house is bigger than Christmas.

Really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's.

We need a drink right now.

We have to get around for Christmas.

You can do whatever you want.

Do what I mean.

I come round but don't have to done so well.

And she would recall.

But Gold Cup days, like everyone's got to be around and stuff.

Yeah, it's massive in your family.

Yeah.

We got a comment about your tour.

You know when your tour dates got released.

Yeah, so I'm doing the tour February to May.

And.

I left, I left.

Count them off and people have you have that on purpose 100% yeah, the first my tour manager said.

Any any holidays booked in any birthdays chelt them chelt them as soon as the date.

Have you never gone?

What?

Have you been there?

I've been there.

I've been there.

Of course do.

You mind Patterson as a BMR because there's my birthday in three days if I go out now.

You you won't like this, but I need it.

I need it.

I've got a sticker chart now for everyday I don't have booze I got a sticker.

Really.

Is that you introduced that here?

She just introduced that me, yeah.

Because I you introduced to put your girlfriend's managing.

She motivates me, yeah, but I don't motivate by beration.

If she says if you drink, I I'm leaving, I'll go sound.

But if she if she says, But if she says.

If she says well.

If she says don't drink tonight, you know what?

You're fucking great, lad.

You're really nice guy.

You're not drinking.

I'm like, yeah, I'm.

Do you like that you like the carrot rather than the stick?

I can't handle stick bro.

Give me a carrot all day.

I have my 5A day.

You've got one on your head.

See what I mean?

Since something like that that drives me to drink, shut me and get called carrot head.

How?

Far.

I have to drink Tony, it's called.

Me a carrot head you got off Jamie.

How far are you in?

Well, we recorded a couple of weeks.

Ago.

Oh my God.

And I blacked out, passed out on it.

And on the podcast.

Yeah, I slept through.

The fucking yes.

Anyone else got anything to say?

Jamie, I think.

Final words, Jamie.

Final words.

He's 40.

One be where you want to be in life.

Eat your vegetables.

Eat your vegetables.

Leave it on.

That thank you.

We'll see you guys next week.

The sound of silence.

It's our last episode, this episode.

Final words Jamie, listen, you are what you are in life, and don't let the dusk, don't let the dust dictate your dawn.

Oh, that's fine, I don't want the dusk.

Take your dawn.

Don't let the dust take your dawn, Chris.

This is always a new day dawning in the life.

And then Rob Thomas comedy course, which is funny in itself.

I think he's on lesson 4 how to shout.

He come in with his his class and spangle on the couch topless, obviously sick like drink all over myself and that is that Jamie have a picture of him or a point not now what come on.

Wait a minute, Thomas came in with his class.

Yeah, the studios.

In here, yeah, yeah.

He's in here.

He's our studios.

Oh.

Right, I see like.

I was.

Gone.

I was gone.

I was blabbing myself, but I just had to get out of here and he just left here and they walked in this class.

I was I was a Kip in the green room and Sam Serrano was blocking the QR code so I couldn't get anymore bit got caught off from the bar and everything.

He then tried to scan my phone like I was, I I'd scanned and I was trying to think and he was like this camera on my phone like that.

I was just don't that was at 3 PMI was unconscious.

That is incredible.

I got it at one AMI had AI still stayed out to 1 I.

Had a show Tony can't love friends and hot water.

Yeah that night and I was gone.

My blood advice and I thought I'm hosting the show.

6 comics on most of them another and I was got introduced on stage, packed out room.

I was on 1/4.

I was after the dressing, but I'd never looked drunk.

So in my head I'm fucked.

Yeah, slam, but I just look normal like I was on stage and goes I just want to apologize to everyone because I was recording to the Hey Johnny Bongo to podcast and got really drunk and I'm just full of blood.

And then I was just like what?

And then that was the open line and I was just like wait on a boat.

I was just like, oh, and I just died on me ass.

6 comics on the show lasted 3 hours to one of the bit longest shows I've ever done and I was like get me home lad, I was bladdered.

I was in the green room asleep and every so often I'd go up and go.

Don't let anyone take the dust from your dawn.

Eat your vegetables.

Eat your vegetables, he kept saying.

That's the first beer.

That's the first beer I've had in.

16 I was selling open spots to eat the vegetable.

Dice fucking so when you do Tony Caroline friends is that that's not is that other pro comics?

Sony Caroline 10s.

On 10s Alright friends just really looking but really good looking birds.

Yeah, no, it's just a.

Hey.

You walking it like.

Tony Caroline the best up and comers I'd.

Say ah, right, right, right.

Pros Right right.

Run out of Run out of.

Fuck they.

Run out of favours, fucking day run.

Out.

Fuck there.

Been got like 3 years so run out of favours got no friends left so just it's you ever see on the Shaker they were doing well and it's a little gig for them to.

Play it's on a first nice or sometimes on a first if someone's come far.

So if you got double up.

Yeah, yeah, it's just your bottle.

Yeah, it's just fucking sad.

That's the first beer I've had in six days, five days, six days, Sati.

We're doing well.

We're doing well.

Better than what we.

Used last five days.

So have you not drunk since?

Since that is that your last drink.

Friday Friday.

So.

That's still a week, isn't it?

You went seven days.

Yeah, you went seven days.

Stickers.

First time in the adult life, so celebrate.

Seven banjo, seven days.

Fucking Craig David over here.

I'll have to cut me stick a try more.

Do you know what we should ask Mark, my friend?

Because we just spoke.

Oh, that's a good Yeah, we've got a new feature.

Yes, I guess.

Perfect pub.

And if you want to know mine and Jamie's answers, Behalf of the side of the Patriot and ours are really good.

Well, you've got to name your pub.

You've got to name your free beers that you'd have on draft, your free spirits, your free shots, and what kind of entertainment that you'd have in there.

Pill.

Table karaoke.

Yeah.

So, Mr.

Nelson, I'd like to ask you.

That's just good.

That's it.

Thank you.

Right.

What was your pub be called?

Where would it be situated?

Sorry, let's build the pub and then name it.

OK, that's that.

Jamie, take away, Sir.

So free free ales on top.

So it could be lager, cider, whatever.

Right.

Definitely Stella.

Definitely Guinness.

Solid heavy hitters.

I don't know where to go you're.

Going to have to go for the.

Ciders like a because you know what?

I didn't drink cider for years and I started drinking again during the summer.

I've got.

I've got.

A new one.

Nice, I've got a new one.

I just come out Inches.

It's called inches cider.

Inch Cider.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that different flavours and stuff or just apple?

And Apple?

What?

It's just.

For oh, see that I just.

Eat in the summer.

So I I'll I'll now I'll Chuck her.

I'll Chuck a cider on as well for the hot nights.

You actually got a lager stout.

Lager and a stout and a side.

Well, let's have cover in every day.

Let's have 4.

Let's have 4.

Let's have 4:00 to.

We want to be in for the master of.

Course I'm gonna stick Tenants in.

Oh definitely, because Tenants is as as much as it's dated and slagged off as a beer I think.

It's.

Fucking class of.

Course it's a good budget option.

Why jokes supposed to I?

Told you tonight when I when I balance that when I meet tour in Glasgow and it stayed in the hotel you stayed in, remember sickest hotel in Glasgow.

Motel One.

It was that was called the Ibis, was it?

Motel One.

Ibis was it 24 hour bar?

Yeah, that's right lads.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I know that.

The one in the city centre.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I know that one.

Yeah, yeah.

24 hour bar got there and I was like what time's the bar and suddenly went shut up lads.

24 hours.

Yeah, like what?

Yeah, High 5.

I'll see you later.

Let's see.

Yeah, pool table free pool table tenants.

On to laugh.

I had a foot swell time.

Tenants is tenants is class tenants.

Cheap as well.

It's really cheap and you know what tenants because we used to have a festival called Tea in the Park in Scotland.

But you should just tenants.

I mean, that's all you could get.

So you take tenants and like see as as.

As getting levered watching Scouting For Girls and that right just what getting levered watching.

Fucking genuinely, genuinely incredible.

Like but but what the best tenants I've I think I've ever had was.

Wasn't that always on Channel 14 apart?

Yeah, it was always, I used to be 20.

Yeah, it was massive.

And the best one I've ever had was there was one year where it was fucking roasting, like, absolutely roasting.

Like, and this is Scotland, so people are like dying.

Like, does does like, like people are what?

It's like fucking Nosferatu coming out of their tent every day.

Like, like immediately they're just stomach singing up.

Yeah, yeah, there's still a slight bit of rain as well.

Fucking can't take this.

But it would get really cold at night because it was really roasting.

There was no clouds and shit and there was one day where I'd get really fucked on the Friday and I'd had like, I hadn't locked my tent or anything, but I hadn't thought to put like because I had my wallet on my ship, but I'd still had stuff like my phone charger and stuff like that in the tent.

But I was so paranoid with people necking my drink that stuffed it right down the bottom of my sleeping bag and then the next.

So I just climbed in a sleeping bag at night freezing.

Woke up in the morning to find 3 cans that had just been sticking outside the tent and were fucking ice cold.

It was the the best three cans, waking up at like half nine and just going.

Right, this is it.

I feel like absolute shit but in about 3 cans time I'm going to be the king of the world.

I've I've done this thing in it.

It's good.

And like we're watching something in the park or something like that with if there's a lake there, I'll have tie cans and put them in the back in the lake, mate.

Genius, genius, genius.

Level bath cans and Royal Tell.

Yeah, yeah.

If they're not, have a.

Fridge I just bathed, a bag of ice being the same.

I didn't know how to fuck book no.

But bath cans, no pop guns.

I started doing a bath cans.

When I was I was talking about my favorite types I can and I was.

Like so much shower cans.

Do yeah, yeah, yeah, before you go.

Bath hits different bath guns.

Thing about Bath Cannon you've The thing about bath can is you've never felt more like a winner and a loser at exactly the same.

Fucking time.

Because you're going, I'm lying in a bath, but I'm also having a cat.

That's a good contrast.

Oh, that's a good show.

Especially women.

Women have a wine bath, don't they?

Yeah, yeah.

But I've never done it.

I've not really done it.

I smoke as well so I'm just thinking imagine I like a can and I'm a bifted in.

A back ohh, you're one of those.

I'm never fantasizing.

I've never leave the bath, the bath tables with soaps and that yeah ohh man.

Like a.

Fucking broad.

I'll be shriveled, Dad.

You know, 3 hours later I've been shriveled.

John Mervyn Hotels, all that.

I mean, I've like a little finger that room.

We're not getting a bath together.

Come on.

Come on.

Bath be.

Come on.

I'll have a bath.

I'll have bath beacon biff the cans.

Yeah, you can have bath beacon biff the cans in your.

No, no, no.

FaceTime each other.

No.

We'll no, no.

No, do it.

Tomorrow.

Not good.

I'm not going behind you in the bath.

Bubbles.

Have you gone behind them?

No, I'm not.

Going back, what the fuck you talking?

You're not like, you're not in the Jamaican ball sleeping.

You're fucking like you're facing each other for fucks sake as.

Well, there's no room.

You're doing that.

You take care why we're doing bath guns face to face.

Let me get behind.

You know I love this happened.

I wish yours no.

No, it needs to be YouTube.

No, I mean one in YouTube big bath.

Either end one of those floaty bath tables.

Yeah, Coke on it, shigs, couple of bath cans, some cigs, Game of cards.

Oh lads, that's my saves, come on.

We'll we'll get waterproof cases and we'll play shots on our phone as well.

That sweat.

Slots.

I'm a swear that I'd never leave, that I would never leave, that you've even just got into recording.

I mean, go fuck off.

Well, you better come to us then.

Tony Jamie special.

Tony, Jamie special.

We're getting a bath, right?

OK Mark, so you've you've picked your 3 bags.

Yeah.

Wait, can I just add another one as well?

I think we should.

It needs to be a bud.

Fire 1 is also there as well, just the cover.

Oh bud, fast.

You get behind the bar, the guests.

If you use a fire with them, fine.

You can just dump it in just.

Put but fire in any time.

Have you seen films?

I only like bud and I can.

Hey, have you seen, Have you seen films and shit?

Dub.

Yeah, you put the bomb and he goes.

No, I think it should be, but.

They used to have Bud fire in the park.

So you've got your three, you've got your three, you've got your four legs 4.

Wagers yeah.

4 draft.

4 draft, yeah, 4 draft.

And then we've got three spirits.

Three spirits.

Three spirits.

Well, vodka, whiskey, gin.

Nice.

Solid, yeah.

Yeah, you said spice drumming.

I said spice.

I saw whiskey.

I said well, I said babe and.

JD I miss whiskey, but I.

Said.

That would count I.

I said vodka, JD, and I said the flavored gin because I hate just.

Not a particular whiskey brand.

See, I don't even like whiskey.

No, no, I don't like why I said much with me because I would if it was, if it was up to me.

But I'm thinking of the people here.

I'm not thinking of Josh me, I'm catering for vodka and Jing Swan slags in.

That's why I'm getting.

I want tramps then.

He said he wants a photo booth for this.

And then and shots.

Shot.

How many shots am I allowed?

Three shots?

Three.

I'm going to go 11 proper 1 Reminiscent.

Can I have apple sewers?

Yeah, just because that's my, that's my, that's my drinks for the back.

I love that I'll have Zambuka and baby Guinness count just for a.

While you like a baby Guinness.

And I was limoncello nice, tequila rose nice and normal's kelix don't like.

I don't like Sambuca.

Yeah, I was Tequila Rose, normal tequila and sambuca.

That sounds of Patreon.

Oh, was it black or white?

Sambuca who?

Knows sounds of Patreon now.

And then what sort?

So what sort of rules was you outside?

No kids?

No.

Don't paint paint your picture of your pub for as your furniture inside you you what what what you've got going.

On so your place is it?

I like kicking out.

Do you know what I'd quite like?

See?

A fucking old school western saloon.

Oh, I quite.

Like that a.

Finger.

Behind the bar.

Onky Tonks We went to Onky Tonk.

Yeah.

You know, you know like to call him that we.

Did we did?

We did.

We did a gig in Middlesbrough.

We got VIP access to Onky, Tonk, Tonks, which was.

We got invited down.

No, it was like a like a, it was like a cowboy bar like theme themed nightclub, miles of it.

That was really nice.

Though thanks.

Great in that.

Not like, but like a proper canal saloon.

Saloon like.

Saloon No.

Nonsense.

Every every every tables round.

Just proper old school seats.

Wooden seats at every single.

One bartenders a rag.

Yeah, but I and the bar but the bartenders fucking raging every time you ask for a drink as.

Well, yeah, slams it down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's always cleaning the glass, but no one's been in for ages.

Yes, yeah.

Is any?

Is your whole house above it?

Yes.

Oh.

Yeah, have you seen that?

Have you seen that comedy parody of the Western?

Oh, what's it called, lad?

Oh, the one with Seth.

Have a word?

Google it lad.

Google it what it's called.

Fucking unbelievable, lad.

So you're not having pool table anything?

I'll have a pool table.

I'll have a pool table.

Do you know what I'd have?

A pinball table.

Oh, OK.

Rather than a fruit machine, I just I just.

Remembered I need to have a quiz machine in there.

Oh, the old style quiz machine.

Don't get quiz machines.

Like, how do you know that?

Yeah yeah.

Deal on ordeal and stuff.

Yeah.

All style Quiz Machine maker £120 How?

Do you have any slots at it in the mind?

Do you have the pints make prizes?

One where you go round one, round two, round 3 and the pint gas fills.

I would have, I would have any slot machines, fruit machines because I'll just be awake and 12 hour shifts are not on this.

I love Christmas.

I.

Just lose it all the fruity on the wheel.

Christmas.

She's different, man.

That's the rubber bag.

So pill table you're having food.

No, no I'm not.

I don't agree with food and pubs.

I don't like kids and dogs in there either.

I'd have dogs.

I don't have any kids.

I.

Don't have kids?

Entertainment.

Yeah, so we had karaoke one night a week, but no fucking thing.

I didn't.

I'd have a quiz night, quiz night, quiz night, definitely every single week at exactly the same time.

We're the same people every single week.

I'd do love a.

Quiz What would your pub be called?

Mark.

Right, this is so and the reason I would call this is because I've tried to name 2.

I tried to name a friend show this and they wouldn't allow me right?

And I made years.

Well, it's just before, just before the pandemic actually.

My pal, I'd been up on my pals in Dundee and he'd, he'd been bought for his birthday like one of those homemade beer so you can make your own beer.

And he was like, I'm never going to use this, do you want it?

And I was like, fucking yes.

So I took it back and I made my own beer and I got things.

I've got labels printed up for it, so I would name it exactly say what I named it beer.

And I wanted to name my friend Show which was Strangle Wank.

Strangle Wank.

Strangle Wank.

You're old.

You're old.

Strangle Wank.

Yeah, you'll be down the strangle wank.

Going down the strangle wank which?

Mate I met in strangles.

Imagine that.

Yeah, imagine that for the best man speak.

Yeah.

Becoming strangled Mama's mama's pig eyes.

Mine was E Oldie pig eyes, pig eyes.

So come down for a pint man and.

I really want a pub now mate.

It's one of those cobbly shades in I just want to make you after me talk talk if you buy tickets please.

And then I get loads of money and then I'll open.

Up a pub.

Speaking of tours, Mark Nelsons on tour.

Really.

Slick.

So it couldn't be called strangle like what's this so-called?

This one is called liquid gold.

Liquid.

Poppers named after poppers.

Of a bit of poppers.

I love.

Actually this.

Is my gateway my?

Favorite.

Face not poppers for coke yeah, I think I'll just like sniffing so I.

Fucking adore.

The nightclub, The nightclub I used to end up in in Gayville, JXM, they used to have a tuck shop that obviously was in Gayville.

They sold poppers there as well.

Biscuits as well.

You just got poppers and some animal.

Yeah, fucking party time.

I thought it's like biscuits, crisp banana.

It's like sweet.

More like my ones.

Oh shit.

I mean my ones and poppers are sick, sick time.

Wake me.

Buy tickets.

That's on all on sale just now so I'm doing obviously hot water Frogger bucket.

We have lots of.

Media.

Oh, that's we have lots.

Of fans northeast as well in Northeast states.

I'm in doing a Newcastle next week actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Newcastle at the Stand?

Yes, that's that one that was nearly sold out actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, good room and I love that barking brilliant.

One of the I mean we've said it loads.

What else?

One of the best in the country.

Thank you.

So go down and see him.

We're having a Halloween party on the 31st Halloween day.

My first have a Halloween party.

Oh my God, I'm so excited.

So come down.

We're having competitions for best dressed.

We're also having who?

What are you going to dress as?

I think we're doing Kevin and Perry.

Yeah, Kevin and Perry.

Yeah, I might be going something scary then I'm sad if.

It's my first one.

I'll say we're having an.

We're going to do Duck Apple, we're going to do all all your favourites, loads of prizes, loads of games, music.

We.

Might even do thriller dance, who knows.

We need to give Jamie the best experience.

We'll come down.

It's Friday the 31st of October, actual Halloween night.

It's only a tenner.

Selling the ticket come down and it's actually.

Fun.

Love Jamie Halloween party and then we've I'm going to be on tour then after that.

You're on tour, so.

Yeah, get ticket top water cover.co.uk/tours.

Go and buy a ticket.

I'm up in Marks Neck of the woods as well.

Scotland, if any Scottish fans are watching this, come on, come and have attendance with me, man, come on, I'm.

Going to come down, that was a way I know because Kai had said to me she tries to go down and watching Tony, but I was unfortunately away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm going to come down this time.

Definitely.

Well, who knows, maybe Mark might even, you know, jump on for me.

Who knows?

No.

OK, tied this house is not sound tied back back.

Will you always be a favour?

I'm on tour from February 1st Look.

At that, all three of us.

Man jamiehcomedian.com loads of extra dates being added so please come and see me because more tickets went on sale than demand meets.

Cheers, I'm.

Not moving, Yeah, and I'm not moving.

You could definitely be a lead singular band.