We need to talk conversations on wellness with Coast FM's Tony Street.

This episode is proudly brought to you by My food Bag.

Mental Load, the constant stream of planning, decisions and emotional labor is something many of us carry every day.

My food Bag makes dinner easier, not just with fresh, pre portioned ingredients and easy to follow recipes, but by taking the stress out of the what's for dinner question.

Spend less time thinking, planning and stressing, and more time enjoying what counts.

I've got Nadia Lum, co founder of My food Bag, and my ended Me colleague PJ harding with me today.

Who I have to say we're doing this.

We're doing this on carrying the mental load.

I feel like we need to talk about the fact that you're carrying a physical load this morning as well.

Can you just explain what's going.

On that would be the physical load of my four month old baby friend who I had I'd planned it all out, guys, we had it sorted.

My mum, who is the superhero behind the scenes.

She was ready to go for an hour to take little Frankie, and Frankie.

Just doesn't want to borrow it.

She is now she's actually calmed down, mums to the side of me.

But this is just you know, I think it's this proves the season that we're in, well, this is particularly my season.

We just have to surrender sometimes, right.

So when it comes to the mental load state of things, you, Nadia, let's start with you, because people know you as obviously a wonderful cook, You're a farm owner, you're a mum of three.

You've got your finger in a lot of different pies that must make you feel pretty full up at times.

What are you caring mentally?

Well, like you're saying, I feel like you don't want to be sexist, but that woman who definitely carry a lot more of the mental load.

There's just all of that, all the little things, all the little admin things that you have to keep going to keep the household going and you know, keep the kids happy with all their activities.

All the often the household churls seem to fall on the woman, which doesn't seem very fair.

I actually said to my husband last night, I got I walked through the door because I was working yesterday and he wasn't.

And when I walked through the door, he was like doing the dishes, and I said, that's very good.

Cho Play, well done, take no boys.

I love that from you, chol Play.

I can't I can't actually use that with my husband because I feel like he's quite a unique creature and that he probably, if I'm honest, does more chores around the house than me.

Now I've got a really full life, but he's really good when it comes to the washing, won a lot of Yeah, it doesn't mean that I'm not like completely psycho with what I'm juggling as well, but that's the washing is not one of them, is all I'm saying, Oh, good on them.

There is just a lot, isn't it.

You know, if you're working as well as you've got the kids and and all that just standard life admin stuff.

I think a lot of the standard life admin you don't get credit for.

You know, more the professional career stuff that you get credit for.

But yeah, there's just so much that goes on with your standard life admin and that's the stuff that people don't get credit for, which is a bit bollocks.

Yeah, what about you, PJ.

Well, it's the constant lists and I think I'm kind of getting to that point where it's like this is always going to be here.

There's always going to be a million and one things to do, and it's working out how to prioritize them.

And I'd actually love to pick Nadia's brain because I feel like you would be a bit more seasoned when it comes to just being able to work out what things are actually worth stressing over.

Well.

My advice now have to having had three kids, is I'm not sure if you're the same Tony, but just have quite low expectations and that way you're never too anxious or stressed about about things when things don't go according to plan.

Have low expectations.

Nothing's going to throw you too much of a curveborn.

That's my best advice.

Yeah, No, probably my best advice would be to find people that are reliable and you can actually trust to follow through, because I don't feel like there are heaps of those people in this world unfortunately, and you work out very quickly who they are.

I thought i'd go through this exercise.

I've got my speaking of your to do list, this is just the cluster of what my mental load is on any given day.

So I'll like at the top book Mammogram, haven't done that book, Wellington Hotel.

Email Silver Ferns for charity netball game, email Wendy about seven sharp money for protein bar fundraiser.

Reschedule with Galia, reschedule with Laura, which means I've canceled something with both of those two people.

Called dental nurse for Juliet, get a blood test, pay four hundred dollars for aims.

Like it just shows you this's just all those yeah, yeah, and they constantly sit there and every day I look at them and go, that could be fixed in five minutes, but I've got something else right now, and then you forget about it.

And then three days later you're like, I still haven't paid that four hundred dollars for crows.

And I think you're like, oh, I'll feel content when I get on top of that.

But the reality is you just card and it kind of has to be like a moving game in a way, doesn't it.

And throughout all of that, we have to somehow eat ourselves and our family least talk about my food back and why you created it, Nadia in the first place, because it was to ease the burden on mums like us, right.

Yeah, it was quite simply trying to answer the what's for dinner question?

And I get more than ever now.

I mean, when we started my food bag twelve years ago, I didn't I didn't have kids.

Back then.

My business partner, Cecilia, she had one baby, so she was kind of just getting into that stage.

But I, you know, I back then, I kind of had a bit more time to cook dinner and I didn't have to get dinner on the table by five to five thirty to feed the kids.

That.

Yeah, back then, it was, you know, there was this this real need that people were finding it really hard to just come up with the answer to what's for dinner every night of the week.

When you have to do it every night, it gets old.

You get over it, You totally get over it.

Yeah, So that's how we kind of came about to creating it.

We were like, well, if we can help people with this piece of life, admin, wouldn't that be great?

And at the same time, ensuring that their meals are going to be have lots of vegetables in them, be you know, the right kind of portion sizes, have the variety and everything in them.

We can take that or all off for them.

So that's kind of how it came about and now that I've got three kids, I mean, we use my food bag a few times a week, even though we grow most of our own produce because we're on a farm, so we've got access to all of our own produce.

But even then, I still find it so useful to have my food bag, even just two to three nights a week, so that on those really extra busy nights, I've just I've got that as really good back up.

And what's great with having it is I can our o pair or car loss can come them.

So if I'm not around, someone can step in because the instructions are.

There, there's no excuse gets wasted.

Yeah, it's guaranteed to taste good.

The food's not going to get wasted, and everyone's going to eat it.

So yeah, I love it.

What are dinner time's like at your house?

PJ?

At the moment with a four month.

Old or the four month old, Well, look, I mean the colorful I think it's I was thinking about this this morning.

I think it's about getting ahead of time every time, Like and you just know that shite is going to hit the fan come at four or five o'clock time, So just being prepared with something and being able to, yeah, pre empt the chaos.

So for me, like I find preparing meals majority of it earlier in the day, I had the luxury of that because of the hours I work usually I mean I'm not back at work yet, but being able to have most of it ready to go and then just hate it up by the time that the crazy the crazy time descends on us.

So but the problem for me is I feel like I'm in this rut at the moment of the same three or four meals that I have every week.

Yeah, so now are you talking about Like That's what I do love about my food bag is you have that inspiration every week.

It's like, oh my god, I've even't done this in years, or like, oh, that's a cool take on a recipe because literally I'm spare bowl roast and a stir fry.

And then oh maybe a steak.

I don't know, like it's so boring at the moment.

It feeds the family, but it's just, yeah, I need a bit of creativity.

Thing and to be told what you're having, yeah, because you don't.

It's just decision fatigue.

We've got so many decisions to make and it's like just someone tell me what we're having for dinner to night, because I do not have it in me to make another decision.

And I'm the same, what be creative?

Like, let alone be creative.

You've got so many other things to think about.

You can't like, you actually can't be creative.

You can't think of anything else other than what's on auto apilot.

No, And I feel like I'm quite bad at planning ahead.

And I mean, I do my food bag and every Sunday I'm still surprised.

I'm like, oh, that's right, we do my food bag.

Thank goodness, I don't need to go to the grocery store.

It's five o'clock.

I wasn't going to go, and now we have food in the house.

And I love surprise.

Yes, no, I love it because we have surprised people come into our house all the time.

Not randoms, but you know, my parents will come up and they'll stay for three four weeks at our house because they're from Tartanaki, so they can't let they hear at the moment, and I never know how long they're staying for because they like to come up and watch the kids' sport or the kids' theater.

Shows, and so they could come up at any given time.

And I coach all these netball teams and so they will randomly be there unannounced on any given day and parents.

And the good thing is if I've got my food bag, there's at least ingredients.

Even if I don't even end up making the recipe that I'm meant to make, they'll be chicken breasts there, or there'll be some steak, or they'll be do you know what I mean, or some veggie.

So I can actually put out stuff because this stuff and the fridge and you never get caught out.

That's what I love about it.

The great backup.

You're listening.

Do we need a talk with Tony Street?

I think when you're juggling everything, support, like I said, like knowing who you can delegate to and the little things that support you in any given week or important.

Do you do you have people, Nadia, all little things that make your week manageable for you.

Well, we have had an opair for the last six months, which has been a game changer.

It's been amazing.

So yeah, she's Marie.

Lovely Marie from Jimmy is like my yeah, my right hand woman, my wing woman.

Yes, I couldn't.

I don't know how I could go back to not having an opair.

Now I've been able to do a lot more with her around, just because she's such a good backup.

Like I still try and you know, do the drop offs and the pickups and kids sport and everything.

I want to be there for that, but when I can't, I don't have to stress out and try and you know, suddenly come up with the last minute plan.

Because it often used to be like that.

I'd have to call around and he was free and just figure out like a you know, off the cuff plan.

But I don't have to do that anymore, which is great.

So and that is a massive mental load taken taken.

So they can don't like to do listens.

Have you've got like little trills here in there.

Do you find that they are happy to do that?

Yeah kind of yeah, yeah, I mean it's mainly around childcare stuff.

So anything to do with the kids, like having a tidy their their rooms.

Yeah, pick ups and drop offs, helping with some dinner prep.

That's where my food bag comes in so handy.

And she's loved it because she speaks German first and foremost of course, and that she's found that my food bag recip is really easy to follow.

I mean if she can follow them, like anyone can follow them, and she feels like English is getting better because of it, and she just loves making them.

She says, they're so simple and easy to make.

We always the kids always eat eat the meals.

We love them.

Yes, it's it's worked out real.

Well, what about you, PJ support system wise.

Well, it's funny.

We've been kind of on the hunt because I've got back to work full time early and we've had so many friends recommend O Pears and we're like, because we love quite remotely, we love off Grad twenty minutes out of Marsterden and we've actually just come across though, an incredible woman who does like in house nanny, so I can drop Frankie off the air, Charlie will go to pre school.

Then there's my mum and the Marx.

Then we've got my husband's mom and the Marx.

Then we've got Auntie Karen, good.

Old Auntie Karen, but old Auntie Karen.

She's a legend, so like it literally takes a village and I just honestly, you just need help, like you really do just day in day out.

I don't think we were ever we were ever created to do this on our own.

No way, no, no, I totally agree.

And do you know what, And this is going to be depressing for you to hear PJ.

With your kids so young, but the older they get, like, it's a different stress.

Right, you are and you're attached to them so much and you know you have to be there.

But as they get older, the logistical side, you have to rely on people so much.

So for us, every single Saturday morning at the moment, in the middle of winter, all three of my kids play rugby, right, so that means that we physically cannot be at all three of the games, and we don't have the grandparents up here.

If it happens to have Nan and Granted up great, but if they're not here, then someone has to take one of the children every single weekend, and usually my poor daughter Juliet, because she's the eldest.

I can just fobber off anywhere.

But thank goodness that I've got these relationships with my community that I can just say too.

There's probably about ten people that I could say, hey, can you take Juliette to rugby?

Today.

Ideally when it's an hour away in Walkworth or something would be great.

I'll take the local game.

I'm going to go to Lockies today.

Favor when it's just ten minutes to don their own.

The player scissors rock situation.

I keep weekend.

No, I've got to tell you the story of the weekend just gone.

Actually because on Saturday it was my youngest Locky seventh birthday.

So some for some unknown reason and I had this discussion with Matt.

I was like, why did you do this?

He signed up to coach not just Lockey's rugby team, but McKenzie's my middle child and they're on the same day.

I was like, how did you think that was gonna work?

He goes, I just didn't think the games would claish as much as they had.

And he's got a couple of co coaches, so it's not like there's not someone there.

But because he wants to be at both of them and coaching both of them, he said, well, I definitely want to be at Lockees this week, and I said, well, I want to be at Locke's this week because it says birthday.

I can't not go to his game on his birthday.

And he goes, well, who's gonna coach McKenzie's team.

You're gonna have to do it, And I was like, you signed up for this, you go coach McKenzie's team.

I'm going to stay with my son on his birthday.

So that was the discussion we were having the barter protis, and I'll tell you what.

In the end, I won.

He stayed for half of Lockey's game, and then he boosted it from just stopover Well, he went from Tuckpoona all the way out to Helensville to McKenzie's game, and actually we got mc grand at Grandad.

Jeff went out and went to McKenzie's game as well.

But it's like this, it's like this grid of trying to make it work, and then with that comes guilt sometimes, right, guilt that And I didn't feel too guilty with Juliet because rugby's probably her least favorite sport.

She's a netballer, and I coach your netball, so I'm like, I'm at all her netball games.

She's okay with that, But you guys must have moments where you have that guilt.

Yeah, well I had it on the weekend.

Actually, I had to work on the weekend.

Well, it was a charity thing.

I was doing an overnight cruise thing and the Doubtful Sound to help regular Qui harvest, which is which is great, but it did mean that I missed out on a whole weekend, on my whole Saturday and whole Sunday with the kids.

And Carlos was meant to come along with me, but then the kids were going to have to miss their skiing lessons and it's their favorite thing in the world.

And when suddenly we felt real guilty and we're like, oh, one of us should stay.

So I went by myself and Carlos stayed back to take the kids to skiing lessons.

Yes, so there's always kind of something like that going on, but I mean, at the end of the day, I think it's to me.

I've found that it's, yeah, it's quality time.

Like when I am very busy, you know, I do work full time, but when I do get hang up with the kids, like it's making sure that you're really present, you don't have your phone around, you're not actually checking emails and things, and that you just go do something fun and that you're really like really they're listening to them, you know, looking them in the iron, listening and it's good quality time.

So much of a quantity, I guess yeah, works for us anyway, the kids.

The kids are happy and as long as they're happy, I'm like, okay, we're doing this all right?

Yeah?

How do you sit with that?

PJ?

Knowing you're heading back to work in October?

I think heading back to work after having a baby is always it always just feels like this gut wrenching moment that you're kind of anticipating.

And I remember with my first.

With Charlie, just the build up it was so like, you know, you just you feel.

Like an abandoning mother, right and.

You should be there until this age.

And there's so much information online saying, you know, to have a healthy attachment, you need to do this and this and this, and so I think you kind of just have to block out the noise.

And I just remember it got easier and easier the more I was.

You know, you get in your rhythm.

But I think it's just that dread and I think, as you say, focus on quality over corn today and remember that you are actually contributing to your family.

This is like, you know, it's for the greater picture.

I think it's really positive for them to have lots of other people in their lives.

Same it's been really positive for us.

I mean, my kids were I was I went back with the first one four months or in bo Tous four months.

With River he was about six six seven months, and then Ali was a little bit later again, probably about eight nine months.

But they're, you know, just kind of kind of quite young, and we've always had some kind of help or they've been in daycare and stuff, but they love it and they're so dependent.

And I swear it's because of from a young age being able to be flexible and adaptable to be with both mum and dad but grandparents as well, and and caregivers and at daycare and they're they're you know, they're really flexible and adaptable.

I totally agree with that.

I feel like the more people and adults they can have that they can see are trustworthy, yep, that love them and care about them as well.

To know that, you know, your mum and dad aren't the be all and end all.

There's going to be lots of people that influence your life and lots of people that you can rely on outside of the family, and I think that adds to their sense of belonging and you know, and if they were having an issue with something that they didn't want to talk to us about, maybe there's someone else that they've had these experiences with that they might actually open up to.

Yeah, exactly, Yes, I think it's positive.

And then even as the kids have gotten older, I think it's a real positive them seeing but like Parlos and I work, I did to used to feel a bit like oh should I should I be pulling back and and you know, being doing more mum mum stuff like being more stay at home mum.

But I actually think it's a positive them like seeing seeing me work, Yeah, I like it.

I'm like, I want them to see that you don't get anything in life without having to work for it.

Yeah.

And also something you love and you're passionate about it as well, totally and also a reminder that and I think we need this sometimes as parents.

And my mum will often say this to me if I have a moment where I'm feeling guilty over something.

She's like, Tony, your kids have a bloody great life and you are present in their life a lot.

Like if you've start to feel like that.

You know, look around you.

You know that not every kid gets their mom coaching the Nipple team or their mum picking them up at three.

So I think we have quite high standards for ourselves and sometimes so critical.

Just pull it back, break it down.

We Yeah, things are so much better than you realize.

But in the day to day you just I don't know why we're as critical as we can be, but that constant voice of.

Like, you could be better, yeah, we will we.

I think of doing this if you have sort of high standards for yourself as a human and you want to be good at things.

Unfortunately, that does extend to all areas of your life, right, and I think yeah, I think particularly via type A personality.

It's just that constant push which leads me to the next question around slowing down and PJ, you should be able to answer this because your podcast is literally slow it down.

Now that we need to talk with Tony Street.

I feel like I'm probably quite guilty of this, particularly because we're out so many nights a week with sport.

How do you slow down that sort of dinner process which can be really rushed and really frantic and everyone has to go through it's a part of raising kids.

That dinner process can be a really stressful time for people.

So what are your tips, mate, Well, my podcast lockdown and we created that because I'm a chaotic Copyes.

Okay, so let me just be clear.

But do you know what I was thinking about it?

And I think it's such an easy time to get over stimulated, whether this TV on in the background or whatever.

I think it's like minimizing outside sounds and actually and again that preparation, getting ahead of that chaotic meltdown period and.

Just actually getting around together.

Like I think having that special dinner time and making a bit of a ritual out of it can be really beautiful.

No, it doesn't happen all the time, but trying to aim for that every now and then, I think is a really beautiful thing to have because sometimes that's your really you know, that's your main time with your kids, that dinner time, and so really savoring it and looking forward to it and like I guess, appreciating what you have as well and turning that ritual into a bit of a gratitude exercise.

Yeah.

Do you get the kids involved in the dinner process?

Nuts?

Sometimes Yeah, if they're around actually, to be completely honest.

So what I do, what our routine is, So come four thirty, so the boys get home from school about three point thirty off the school bus and Alo gets home roughly the same time when I pick him up.

And then I tell them as soon as they get home, I'm like right outside while the sun's still out, fresh air, and they need to just run around and burn off some energy.

And then at four point thirty they are allowed half an hour of screen time.

And that's when I cook dinner.

It's a good shout.

I get piece and quiet from four thirty to five to cook dinner and then and then it's ready from you know, about quarter past five or so.

Carlos walks through the door about just about then.

Yeah, and then so we have we sit down by five thirty.

So it's it's these little things.

We've kind of got our little routine routine there and it and it makes a big difference.

Yeah, me being able to not have any distractions and not have any man.

And they kind of gets as well.

I can just taken press for a bit.

Yeah, yeah exactly, yeah, yeah exactly.

I'm fine with like a little bit of screen time half an hour they can they you know, there's Shawn the shit Beef and the older boys are playing Minecraft now and yeah, but half an hour from four thirty five and then I can do the dinner.

That's balance right there.

I'm actually not anti them having a bit of screen time either.

I almost feel like my three are so busy doing a million different activities if they can sit and just have a little bit of stillness.

For I know, stillness isn't exactly looking at Minecraft, but I kind of go.

Screens are part of every day out, everyday world as long as we're monitoring it, right, That's kind of my theory.

I've got a story to tell you though about dinners, and I don't know if I should take this as a positive or a negative from my middle child, who's my sassy one.

She's ten.

So we came back from it was netball on Wednesday last week and I hadn't sort of dinner.

I hadn't even like looked at my mind food bag, and I was like, I just can't be bothered.

Tonight, We're going to have what I described to her as We're going to just have a quick dinner tonight.

Bake beans on toes.

Well, yeah, one hundred percent.

That was one of the options.

I said, you can have baked beans or spaghetti on toes or a toasty and she looked at me with a side eye, and she goes, can I have a real warm dinner?

My middle one.

Says through when I say we're having baked beans with a poached egg on toast tonight, He's like, but that's not real dinner.

Yes, yes, no.

So I'm like, I reckon, we take that as a positive because I feel like that means they've had so many warm, full dinners that they don't even know what a quick dinner is.

I was like, do you realize Mum used to sometimes just make us like baking eggs or which is whatever was at home?

Like we had quick dinners all the time.

There was the ultimate props to your cook.

A real warm dinner, this poor unfortunate soul in the middle of winter and mom can't even give her a cooked meal.

I just thought, wow, okay, no, I'll take it as a positive.

I had the exact same from my middle one to your river.

Yeah, he's probably the most foody out of all three of them, but he's like, Mum, this isn't real dinner.

I'm like, yes, it is beans on toast with a poached egg.

Is absolutely still hot.

Okay, it is still hot.

And also baked beans and spaghetti on toast are delicious.

Grated cheese on the top, I love it.

Hey, guys, I just want to finish up with a little philosophical question.

Now, what's one responsibility or pressure?

It can be big or it can be small that you have consciously let go of.

You talked about that at the start, Nadia, about how sometimes you've just got to let things go and how has that improved your everyday life.

So it's a responsibility or a pressure that you've just gotten that.

I'm not doing that one sounds so bad.

Just start us off.

I sound so privileged here.

But my mum has temporarily offered to do the washing for a No.

I love that for the foreseeable future because we're off Gras and literally like we have a capacity of how much power we can do and like use and in the winter it's just a shit show.

So mum just takes the washing to her house and she does it.

No, I'm gonna I'm going to say that is okay, You've got a four month old baby.

It's probably not okay that I don't do any of the washing because because my youngest is seven, But that is one thing that I have I have just let go of.

My husband enjoys doing the washing.

That's not to say I won't help fold and put away, but he takes care of that and I.

For a while there, I was like, I'm the mom, Why am I doing not doing the washing?

And then I was like, hang on a minute.

I do heaps of a million other things, and I cook and I did it.

Actually, if that's the one thing that he can take care of, just let him, and so it's mine too.

You have to play to your strings, you suggest at some point, go, I am actually just not as great at washing.

Yeah, and I'm not.

I love doing washing.

I mean I don't.

I don't do all about at home either, but I actually quite enjoy it because it's a nice, like monotonous job.

What have I relinquished?

Nothing that specific, but I have actually really totally relinquished looking after the kids at all.

Every month or so, so Carlos and I will often, now that we've got no pair who like lives at the house, maybe every six to eight weeks we might go away for a night.

Nice relinquished all child duties with looking after kids, So yeah, been able to do that quite easily.

I feel like I don't do that enough with Matt.

We our we don't have a lot of just herm Andi time.

It's always involving friends or the kids or extended family, and so I applaud that.

I think that is a great idea.

It's really important.

That's been our big lesson, like turning.

We're both to forty this year, but our last year was it came to almost like a screeching halt because things were just got so intense and full on, and we realized that we didn't we weren't spending time with each other.

And we've been together for twenty years, so I think we kind of took each other for granted we'll always be there, but yeah, it did become a parent that we needed to work on not just ourselves, but on our relationship between the two of us.

And it's yeah, it's been.

It's been awesome, like just it's almost like getting to know someone again.

I don't think we've had a date night, Charlie, Like, oh, you guys.

Date nights, so central I know I'm useless too.

That's the top of the priority.

Listen.

I know we've literally got vouchairs to one of Marsden's fine establishment.

You need to check the expiry because it'll expire before you get round to it.

Well, we use one of them on like a family brand, and see we've got one more.

This is our chance to go out and it's like got a movie theater there, it's just waiting for us.

And I don't know why you just push it down because you like now everything else sort of seems to be more important.

But at the end of the day we.

Fall into that is a trip that you fall into it until it gets to the point where everything's about to crack.

And I remember saying to Carlos when we got to this point, I was like, this is ridiculous, like the fact that everything relies on the strength of us, like that, our kids, our family, our staff, our work, our businesses, everything relies on the strength of us, and if we don't put the effort into us, then everything will end up crumbling around us.

I think that's a wonderful place to finish this podcast.

I really do.

I reckon leaving with that advice of you know, you're only as strong as the relationship that's kind of holding everything together.

And if if you can put sort of time and effort into that and then use all these little support systems, whether it's an no pair, whether it's Mum doing the laundry, whether it's Karen, my auntie, Karen she's going to be next month, whether it's my food bag delivering you the meals.

Whatever you can do to make that burden easier so that you can prioritize the thing that keeps everyone together.

I think that's great advice and I think that's a great place for us to finish today.

Great chatting to you, bo lovely us see you.

I'm just going to go book a date night.

Book a date night.

Do it now, guys, it's handling the going to use.

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