We need to Talk Conversations on wellness with gastfm's Tony Street.

Hello, welcome to We need to Talk.

It's great to have you with us today.

I want to explore what it's like to be the person supporting someone else going through a major health battle.

I know it can feel like a helpless position to be in.

Former Tactics netbook coach and Cancer Society ambassador Mary Angelaney Hoshek knows the power of support from the sidelines.

She's currently supporting her husband Mike, who was diagnosed with stage four bowl cancer in February this year.

It is so good to have you here to be able to talk about this, but you must be in the middle of a major situation for your whole family.

Februe's not long ago.

No, it's not like though, And it is amazing how things sort of change.

Because I was turning fifty this year, obviously just resigned last year, so I'd made that decision with the Tactics that I was going to sort of I knew when it was in a good space, I could go.

And last year we'd won all our games, and I said, this is a really good time.

Everything's set up turned out to be a very good time for the team, and I did.

And then and I had all these things to look forward to this year turning fifty.

I was like, right, We're going to go to Hawaii, We're going to do all these trips.

I'm going to go to all these parties of people that are turning fifty.

So I had all this lined up, but the way it's turned out has been a little bit different.

Yeah, so how did you find out that Mike hads beow cancer.

Yes, so we we got we had a family trip booked for October, and because Mike has a sabbatical from his work every five years, so that was in the sort of pipeline for ages.

And we went on a cruise around Europe.

We had the two boys, so I've got two sons fourteen and sixteen, Zach and Sam, and we had this amazing cruise and that's well, Mike didn't tell us at the time, but that's when he started sort of getting some symptoms which are related to beow cancer.

So you know, change in your bow and you know a bit of blood and.

Things like that.

So he noticed those things, but obviously we were on a cruise, so he didn't I didn't want to worry anybody, but b he just thought because we were sort of having you know, four o'clock drinks every day and fat and eating you know, a lot of food that and you know, obviously we're in different countries as well, different cuisines.

He sort of kind of put it to that and just sort of thought.

Well, when I get back home and get into my normal routine, these symptoms will go.

But unfortunately they sort of didn't and probably sort of got worse towards Christmas, and it was sort of like after Christmas he was like, well this, you know, and sort of in the middle of that, he also had a sort of a cancer in his eye as well that had to be removed, which is apparently not even connected.

But yeah, it was a bit of a sort of kind of stressful time, and to be honest, he actually did take some pushing even then to go to the doctors, which was interesting.

Do you think that was because it was bow cancer in a region that no one really wants to talk about.

I definitely do, I think, you know.

And it took a couple of his friends.

I don't know if this happens with others, but sometimes I think with spouses, we don't listen to each other, or it takes that third person to sort of say, hey, mate, you actually need to do something about this.

And we had a couple of friends who sort of said, come on, you need to sort of sort this.

So he finally got to the doctors and then colonoscopy was about probably three or four weeks later, so sort of there was the waiting of that.

And so I dropped Mike at the colonoscopy and you had to pick them up afterwards, and they said, oh, it was quite a weird vibe when I got there, and they sort of said, oh, you could just go through the bag.

And Mike was just sitting in this sort of area and he said, oh, no, it wasn't good.

And I was like, oh, you know, like what does that.

Does it mean?

You know?

And actually during the procedure, the surgeon that actually put his hand on his shoulder and said, hey, this actually doesn't look good, mate, this doesn't look good.

This isn't what we like to see.

Wow.

And the surgeon came in and funnily enough, it was actually because my dad had passed away a couple of years earlier, and it was one of his specialists.

He had Crohn's disease, so it wasn't actually his cancer specialist, but he knew me, and so it was, oh, I don't know, he said, because he knew about Dad, and he was obviously, oh, I don't really want to have to give you this news, and he was really focused on worrying about sort of me.

You were going to take it?

Yeah, yeah, and.

Yeah, he said, you know, there is a tumor of the air at this stage.

It looks small, it looks like we could remove it.

And he sort of said, you know, but you know this is this is cancer.

So he knew straight away and you sort of get the paperwork.

And the thing.

So quite.

Yeah, it was full on because it's just it just all happened so quickly.

I think, did you know it was stage four at that point?

No, so we didn't.

We just knew there was a tumor in the bow, so you don't think any of that sort of thing.

And then in the next couple of weeks.

Everything you sort of all these MRIs and all these different types of scans are happening, and it wasn't until we got this so we didn't actually get a call from the doctors, but we got a call from the receptionist and it said, oh the receptionist lady said, oh, can you please go.

We've got this special MRI on your liver that we need to do.

And that's when we sort of.

Started why am I getting my liver sy end?

So that's when you sort of jump ahead and in that sort of gray area.

I think one of the worst things you can do is make assumptions, and you do, you can't have yourself and possibly in this we were right to make the assumptions, but and I did find myself googling a lot.

Well, as soon as soon as you have to get your liver a scanned, you're going, what's the link between liver and bow?

Right?

Correct?

Correct?

So I did, and they say not to do it, but you are in that too great area and you just want to know everything.

So that was what happened.

And then we had to go back and see the surgeon, Frank, and that's when he told us the full news of what it was.

And I can remember going to that appointment and I was in the car and I was kind of thinking this, you know, it's really surreal and you feel you've seen it on the movies You've You're like, And I remember my I had a flat tire that I kept having to repump and I was pumping it up again because I couldn't been.

Yeah, the logistics not having the bar for a bit so annoying.

Yeah, And I just remember pumping up the time, going what is happening here?

And and then obviously to get the news that it was stage four.

So it's in like a few of the limps around the bow and then over into the liver as well.

So I think hearing it was stage four, I think we all jumped to, oh, that's you know, that's you're gone.

Yeah, yeah, but apparently so this cancer is still curable.

So as soon as we heard that, we're on.

And that's sort of how the mentality has been.

And I feel like, once you get the plan, everyone's ready and it's go time, and the plan is great.

I think it's the not knowing and what's happening, And once you've got a plan, you've got something to get into.

This is we need to talk with Tony Street.

The bit that I find hard to sort of accept and understand is how you know he can be on a cruise and yet had a couple of symptoms, but nothing so major that he had to go to the doctor straight away, and you go from that to being stage four.

That's the hard bit for me.

I think surely there's more warning than that, but it doesn't seem like there isn't a lot of cases.

No, and they do say that the cancer is growing for a couple of years beforehand.

And the other thing is that in New Zealand, you know, we're not screening until sixty years old, and Australia they screen at forty five.

Everyone's getting tested.

So if that was the case, we wouldn't be in this situation.

So I mean, that's one thing I'm really passionate about is that we actually have to bring the age down here and get more people tested because does that testing involve So there's there is colonoscopies also, but I know in New Zealand now they actually just send out because this happened to my brother in law recently ten sixty They actually just send out like and you do still sample and then you send it back.

So there's you know, and there's easy ways of doing it.

I don't think they sort of go into colonoscopies and here unless there's an issue, but the screening happens way earlier in Australia, so you know that's kind of Yeah, it's annoying in a way that you know, Mike was diagnosed at forty seven.

They say it grows for two years, so.

He had it at forty five like Australia and are still something.

Seems like a pretty straightforward and easy thing to have to do correct to prevent you being even if it had meant he picked it up at stage one or two.

Absolutely, so the fact that it's stage four and like you say, wasn't really I mean when he looks back, he did have a sort of a saw back.

I mean, these little symptoms that you make a lot of reasons up why this is happening.

It's like, oh I'm getting old, or you know, those sorts of things.

But I think the message is if anything is off, and I think I think women, especially women who have had children, you're quite attuned with things in your body.

But I don't know, I think when it's to do with bows and prostates and things like that, men aren't like lining up to get tested.

But it would be great to see people more comfortable and maybe if it was as simple as a still sample early.

Then we'd be in a better boat because they say that bow cancer is the one that's really taking.

Off and communicating when things aren't one hundred percent.

Because maybe they'd said that to you, you might have gone, I think, you know, yeah, I think we should probably go see that.

Get that checked a bit earlier.

Absolutely.

Yeah, How has he received the news?

Yeah?

He was.

Actually it was amazing because obviously that that day of the being told was obviously the pit day.

But he was.

Actually he said to me, he was more worried about me because I've just dad's just passed away two years ago, two or three years ago.

So he and that was quite.

Oh yeah, and it's like a double where me for you?

Yeah.

But he was so funny because he said because he's two years younger than me, So he was like, oh, there you go.

You thought you'd.

Marry this younger guy and then here I am all the problems.

Yeah, And I guess at that point we sort of thought, Wow, this is not looking good.

And you know, within that night we were like, oh, we're going to have to sell the house.

We're going to have to do this, and your life just changes but I mean, we're fine now, but at the time there's a lot of rapid decisions that you seem to be making.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can kind of relate to that a wee bit.

And when I got diagnosed with an autoimmune condition, that meant that I may have to have chemo treatment.

And I instantly thought of my parents, because they've lost three children.

I thought, Oh God, what are they going to do?

And I think when you get a form of diagnosis, you are sort of so in it and getting all the information.

I think it potentially is harder for the people next to you that actually are just sitting there helpless, trying to say the right things, do the right things, and make it easier.

How do you feel that you can support him?

What do you do to try and make it easier.

I think one of the things I sort of learned in my coaching world was around that optimistic learned optimism it's called, and so it is actually a thing.

I'm that way anyway as an individual, but when I learned it was a thing, I was like, great, it's a thing, and I really put that into my coaching.

Yep.

So seeing my dad's journey as well and how he beat the odds.

And then I've tried this out even on my kids as well.

So one of my children wasn't really sporty, and you know, we started saying, oh, you're really good at sport, and honestly, the switch from just giving him the positive reinforcement was incredible.

So and even with the tactics, we weren't good at winning home games, so starting to message about how we love playing at home, we're really good at playing home and actually then we do start winning.

So those kind of that learned optimism I think is really good using in these cases as well.

So just I'm always the positive side.

So we got told by the on cologist at one point he said, she said you've got forty to fifty percent chance of making five years sort of thing.

And he was like, oh, forty to fifty and I.

Was like that's really good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was like like, like, what's wrong with It's really good?

So I mean, I naturally am like that I will be quite positive and so like even with you know the thought of if there's a surgery, you might have to have a bag type thing for a while, and he's like, oh god, I'm an old man, am I going to have that bag and all this sort of thing, and I'm like, well, actually ten years ago, you wouldn't even be in this position that you could have that, you know.

So I said that everything's moved to allow you to keep living.

So I try and be that positive person.

There is a fine line sometimes because I think sometimes you've just got to let them have a bit.

Yeah, I want to be up all the time.

They exactly in that, Yeah, So following it it is so as a rule, I try and be as positive as possible.

I do try not to like instigate conversations about the illness like he bring it up.

Yeah, you know, because I think that's really important too, because and this is a good one for people listening that you know, we go out to social events and people want to come up and find out with Mike Howard's cancers all the time, and that's the time he probably just wants to switch off, have a reprieve and just have a bit of normality.

Yeah.

So that's yeah.

People are meaning so well, but that's probably the time.

And it's hard because they're probably thinking, I don't want to pretend like he doesn't have cancer, and it seems like I'm interested in it, but you know, yeah, I think a good idea from what you've seen is maybe to go over and go, I'm not going to talk about your cancer tonight.

Yeah, you know, let's move on and at least going I'm acknowledging it now, let's do something else.

And like you say, it's really hard for people to understand what the right thing is.

And it's not like he goes, oh god, not again.

But I think if the whole night's taken.

Up with every single person says that to you, right, yeah, how are your sons coping with it?

They've actually been really good, quite amazingly good actually in terms of I don't know if it's just a teenage boy thing, but when we told them, it was just like, oh yeah.

Isn't that their answer to everything at the age.

You know, we've been really honest and open with them the whole way through, but yeah, they I think one of the things we've been trying to do also is just live day to day, so there's no real future thing, although having a few wee things to look forward to as well, because you know, obviously little trip here or there or just things like that to keep going.

But they are so sporty that sport dominates dominates their life a little bit because they love it so much.

So that's keeping them going and occupied and occupied.

Yeah, now that we need to talk with Tony Street.

Can we just go back and talk about your dear dad, Yes, because that must be difficult going through a cancer journey a second time.

So co Yeah, Well Dad's was actually an amazing journey though because he actually he got a diagnosis which was terminal and he so he was only supposed to live three to six months and he actually lived thirteen years.

Wow.

Yeah, so that.

Does he have the same optimism that you have?

Yep?

Interesting, Yeah, so that's it was a really amazing journey and learning alongside that.

And you know I did take things into my coaching from him, but you know, he had key things.

He didn't change his life.

He still went on a Friday and had you know, bears with his mates.

You know, he got quite deformed, like he had masses of operations because it was a skin cancer he had that he had this massive operation that they took off a lot of his head yep.

So it was quite concaved.

So it was quite and he just he was like he wanted to live so much that he was willing to do any surgeries, so they just chopped things off.

Just do it.

I want to be here yep.

Yeah, yeah, so that was really cool.

And yeah, just his positive attitude, yeah, was was what got him through.

And he was a tough bugger.

He was an ex policeman, so he was real tough.

So yeah, it was an incredible and like when he was ready to go, he actually found it hard to go because he was wanting to live so much that I think his body, you know, he had to get some really good stuff to help on here.

Yeah, because he had just been fighting for so much.

Oh absolutely, But yeah, he had a great sense of humor, so funny.

But yeah, it was like he was in the Armed Defenders and the anti terrorists.

Wow.

So I wonder he pushed through for another thirteen years.

Yeah.

So yeah, incredible journey and lots to sort of draw from going forward.

Yeah.

One thing that I know from a couple of things that have happened in my family.

So my mum lost her mother at sixty and then she lost my brother, whose son not long after a year later, and she always said, I wish mum was here to help me through this.

Do you find that hard that you don't have your dad at a time when you know he could have been quite supportive for you.

I do, like he was definitely my chat person, Like even after every Networle game, I get the phone.

I love that.

And it's that bloody midfield was terrible.

We put in the midfield and oh Ali bird to stay inside the ring like, I love that.

You know, he sounds like such a good man.

And then his best friend was Fergie McCormick as well, so I also got his call, so you could imagine.

So for me, he's he was always the person that you chat to about things, so absolutely, but he did bloody well you know, yeah.

Who do you go to for support then when you don't want to burden Mike further because he's the one dealing with the treatments.

Well as I was talking to before I got into Google.

Yep.

But actually you can actually ring the Cancer Society and get the right information because they have all the information.

So that was something that I wish I had known.

And obviously associating with them now I sort of see all the things that they do.

What other sort of services do they provide?

Yeah, so if you I mean, obviously we live in christ Church, so but if you don't, and you live somewhere that doesn't have the great treatment that we have, you can come and stay in the facilities there.

They did a massive fundraising and to get that up and up and running.

It's a great center and it houses not just the person but other family members as well.

It's got the vans which obviously take people from there to the treatments, but even if you live in christ Church but don't have your own transport, they can come and sort of help you with that as well.

Yeah, that's amazing.

I just want to talk about the advocacy side of things.

Who's taken the lead when it comes to the doctors and the surgeons you talk to.

Is that you having to do that or is that Mike as the person going through it?

So we there's been that's actually been quite a strange one with cancer because you actually don't have one lead person.

You go from we went from being with the surgeon to going to the oncologist and then they are the person in charge, to going into the radiography kind of area and then yeah, so it's quite a weird.

Sort of process.

So I think the person almost has to own it a little bit.

Yeah, because you're going from there to here to hear and you kind of feel like that surgeon should have been the one, but they don't.

They literally you're with that person.

Now because they go on to the next thing.

Yeah, because they've got obviously got it.

And it's a little bit like this, So I think it.

Yeah, I think you as a person need to sort of take control a little bit.

And I've been the person that at the meetings writes the notes because there's so much things that are said that it's really hard to remember.

So that's one thing that I felt like I could do was just be there take the notes so that we could go back, because you know, it's like when you're getting all sorts of news, you go again and then Yeah.

So I think that's that was good.

And what made you want to become an ambassador when you are right in the middle of this journey for your family?

Well, interestingly enough, I was already an ambassador, So I became an ambassador.

So my friend Kelly Hutton, so she passed away twenty twenty three.

It was terribly sad.

Yeah, So that's so varying cancer that one, and she was working as an ambassador and she was one of the ones that actually did the big fundraise and led that charge to get that cancer Society going so you could buy a blanket all of those things, which was really cool.

So when she passed away, her sister Megan and the ladies from the Cancer Society asked me if I wanted to take her role because you know, obviously being the tactics coach, and yeah, I said straight away.

I said, yeah, so already in the role.

And then so I had to tell them, hey, I've got something else going, and to be honest, the last you know, we've just been in it.

But I kind of now I feel.

Ready to actually start getting out there and I'll start probably promoting a bit more things on you know, my own channels and things like that, and start really pushing for people to make sure they're tested and things like that.

But yeah, it's quite ironic in how it all works out.

I know, I know, I wish you didn't have to have been doing the lived experience at the same time, but you're the perfect person to do it.

I just finally want to sort of recap what your messaging would be for people now that Mike might be experiencing changes, or they do find a bit of blood and they still what would be your sort of lasting message for people to take home after listening to this.

Yeah, I just get it checked straight away because I think the thing is it can develop into worse, so you are better off just getting checked.

I mean even if I think one of the things as well was there's a there's a history, and there was a little bit of history that Mike didn't know about in his family.

So having those conversations in your own family, if you can find out about what's gone on before you know, make sure if you've got a history, get in there and get it checked straight away, even if maybe if you haven't.

It's just important if anything is different, change and that goes with all of your body.

Really, it's not just the bow.

There's all sorts of other cancers.

I mean Dad's was obviously skin cancer, so making sure that you do all you can.

You wear in your sun block.

The sad thing is that the number of cancer that's growing is actually for younger people.

So that was one of the stats that Cancer Society told me, is that's actually the group that's growing, so I think we I what am I I'm.

Not sure if I'm young or old.

I'm kind of in between some fifty but even in sort of like your thirties forties, whereas I think we've usually lived and thought, you know where.

You don't need to worry about it till later.

Yeah, but the umbers are growing, so you know, you see people now that are passing away in their twenties.

So anything that's annoying you doesn't feel right, get it checked.

Thank you so much for today, and also thank you for being part of our Daffodil Day netball clash.

You will be a welcome addition.

Really appreciate it and all the best with being an ambassador going forward.

Thank you.

We need to talk with Coast FMS Tony Street.

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