[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, hey, hey, what is going on?

[SPEAKER_00]: You're listening to the Brown Girl Self Care podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: My name is free.

[SPEAKER_00]: I am the host of the show as well as the founder of Brown Girl Self Care.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let me practice this by saying, I am recording this for YouTube as well.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I also have my notes to my left because I want to do my best to stay on target or on point.

[SPEAKER_00]: which can sometimes be hard for me to do.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if you see me looking down if you watch me on YouTube, that's why.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because I want to make sure that I hit all the points about what I'm about to talk about with you today.

[SPEAKER_00]: So girl, let's go ahead and get into it.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is what I want to talk about today.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to talk about the fact that more and more we collectively are seeing how black women are really out in these streets prioritizing themselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: lints to make sure that we are a prioritizing our mental health, our financial health, our physical health, like all of the health, okay, we are going to the extreme and I mean extreme as in these are things that would probably are frowned upon, especially if a black woman is having the audacity to do these things because we know that for a black woman generally speaking, [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of times we have these expectations through us upon us that these are what black, these things are what black women are supposed to do.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is how a black woman's supposed to head be, hey, this is how a black woman is supposed to live her life and how she's supposed to just show up in society to be deemed as like worthy or a good girl or a good Christian woman or whatever the case may be.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I know it's not just me noticing this.

[SPEAKER_00]: out in those social media streets, I know you've seen it too, but we collectively black women, we are really going through some extremes as it pertains to how we are taking charge of our lives and really taking our power back and practicing this self care to a whole new level, like to an extreme.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I wanted to share with you some things that I feel like [SPEAKER_00]: These are like extremes.

[SPEAKER_00]: These are extremes.

[SPEAKER_00]: And again, I don't know if I said this, but when I say extreme, I'm not saying that adds in the bad way.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just mean it's just so beyond.

[SPEAKER_00]: What is quote unquote acceptable for women?

[SPEAKER_00]: Let alone a black woman, but for women in general, that we are choosing to do these things.

[SPEAKER_00]: We are choosing ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm here for it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let me know if you fall anywhere on this list, OK?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not talking about like the bubble baths, the fuzzy slippers, and the robe, and the light and the candle.

[SPEAKER_00]: Those are forms of self-care behind me.

[SPEAKER_00]: That, that.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is not what I'm talking about here, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about the kind of self-care, again, that that was not chosen for us.

[SPEAKER_00]: And these practices are not necessarily even something that can be capitalized on as in a mainstream kind of thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like sometimes we just like throw [SPEAKER_00]: products add something like again, the candles, which is nothing wrong with that or the bubble baths and stuff like that, but this is not necessarily self care and strictly for the point of like being a commodity, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I love that for us because everything doesn't have to be made to be like a commodity.

[SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't have to, you know what I'm saying?

[SPEAKER_00]: But these are things that the world tells us is off limits for us.

[SPEAKER_00]: These are not like nice to have.

[SPEAKER_00]: These are happening in real time.

[SPEAKER_00]: And honestly, this is also a way for us to shift a way or shift out of survival mode.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, it's a way for us to fully invest in ourselves so that we can thrive, like turning the attention back to us.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm living for it, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: So the first thing that I was say, and all of these things may not apply to you, but some of them probably will, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: First thing that I would say, and I've talked about this before, and that is cutting off a parent, [SPEAKER_00]: or because this is really all in one or deciding that you are not going to show up for them in ways that you used to like old patterns and habits, you know, you are choosing to be different.

[SPEAKER_00]: you are choosing to live differently, you're choosing to live by a different set of rules, rules that you have made for yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you at a point where you're not allowing someone in your family to dictate how you show up, how the moves that you make, how you support, you know what I mean.

[SPEAKER_00]: And, [SPEAKER_00]: to the extreme of that is just going no contact, just going no content.

[SPEAKER_00]: I wanna start there because it's the one thing that is really coming to light, but I feel like there's still a little bit of shame in that there's a lot of people that I've seen parents that have been fighting in public.

[SPEAKER_00]: shaming their children who have decided to go no contact, and I think it's sad because it's just another way for them to try to have control, in my opinion, over their kids.

[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes self-care means ending or severing our relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: sometimes self-care means severing contact or no longer being in contact with someone who was a major part of your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if you are a parent and you've had to go no contact with a child or you've had to remove limit contact, that's major in itself.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's major in itself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm seeing so many stories of black women.

[SPEAKER_00]: who have maybe mostly tough, sometimes not.

[SPEAKER_00]: But usually there's some feelings, and emotional stuff behind these choices that can feel very hard.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm seeing so many black women kind of like raise their hand and say, yeah, like the women that I've been talking to are a lot of several of them have been like, yeah, me too, you know, like me too.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes apparent just refuses to acknowledge our humanity, the parent.

[SPEAKER_00]: refuses to acknowledge our humanity.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so some of us have decided to gray rock, which is where you really are not engaging with them much, but for whatever reason you're still showing up or in their lives, but it's very limited.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're not giving them really any energy that they can play off of or you're just giving them like the bare bare minimal or minimum.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then again, on the other end is just being done.

[SPEAKER_00]: and cutting them off completely.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think back to my childhood, and I've shared this before on the podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I felt like I didn't have a voice.

[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have a say with the things I were going on within the household.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's what I'm talking about.

[SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't really stand up for myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And now that I'm going to don't, it took me a very long time to realize that I have the power.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have the capacity to do whatever I needed to do to prioritize my healing more, and to love myself more than trying to fix something [SPEAKER_00]: over the last four or five decades.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had to mentally get myself to a place that where I could give myself permission, and it required a lot of permission because so many things would come up.

[SPEAKER_00]: So many things would come up with a decision like that.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not, a lot of times we don't make that decision lightly.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I had to give myself permission, real talk, to make that kind of choice.

[SPEAKER_00]: do what I needed to do to protect the little girl in me who didn't have a voice and who couldn't say enough is enough.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, when we're children, our safety is intertwined with the adults in our family.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's how we survive.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's how we can, you know, grow up and live, you know, to see [SPEAKER_00]: the the family are safety is woven into the adults that are leading our families or that are rearing and raising us and so we at least I'll speak for myself I was before I made the decision like for years decades I will still in that mindset that I can't do this I can't do this [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not allowed to do this, I'm not allowed to stand up for myself, I'm not allowed to say I'm not going to be involved in a relationship like this that isn't healthy for me or the other person.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I had to take a step back into a long time and just say, you know, I do have permission, my own, I'm going to don't now.

[SPEAKER_00]: I can make these type of decisions for myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And cutting that person off, like if it is your child or it is your dad or it is your mom or it is whoever, someone in your family, your grandmother, your grandparents, whatever.

[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean as a ceremony that you don't love them, however I will say, because I told this to one of the young ladies that I coached on last week, you know, you don't have to love them.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that's very shocking.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to love them.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are allowed to have whatever emotions you have about that person.

[SPEAKER_00]: We have to understand that our parents are not, I know when we were children, our parents are like this big, you know, they were a big deal, obviously, they were a big deal.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I had to understand that, [SPEAKER_00]: They're just a person like I am.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're just a person like I am.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you don't like every person that's a serley.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't love every person that's a serley.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to engage with every person that's a serley.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to be around every person that's a serley.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to talk to every person that's a serley.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you're allowed to feel however you feel, whether you love them or you're in a place where you like I just can't stand them right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is your choice.

[SPEAKER_00]: But ultimately, whether however you feel about them in the moment, it's not about necessarily how you feel about them.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's more so you say, hey, I love myself more, okay.

[SPEAKER_00]: Then whatever this situation is and so I'm going to choose me, I'm going to choose myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if you need to love them from afar, love them from afar, if you need to set boundaries, [SPEAKER_00]: If that's what you feel like that's the best choice, then tap out and go no contact because ultimately it's like you're choosing you're you're allowed to choose your piece and you're allowed to choose yourself I don't know I don't know if you knew that today, but I'm letting you know just in case like you're allowed to choose yourself I don't know why my voice is like kind of shaky I can hear it [SPEAKER_00]: My throat feels a little dry, so I'm just letting you know, hopefully the audio is not going to be tripping.

[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, you're allowed to treat yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, like, I'm choosing peace.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm choosing peace right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like that has to be one of my main goals right now is me choosing my peace and prioritizing my peace over everything else.

[SPEAKER_00]: okay, that that's just what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of us have set boundaries or even gone no contact.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's the first thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the second thing that I will say our number two is, and it's connected to that is even if you are in relationship with your parents, that doesn't mean that you [SPEAKER_00]: their caregiver.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm seeing stories or tiktoks or whatever of women black women they are declining the role of caregiver and you know you know how I feel about this black women like we are conditioned to step up we are conditioned to be there for everybody we are conditioned to support everybody no matter what we are conditioned to be the martyr or to self-sacrifice to put our [SPEAKER_00]: to put our situations last, to make it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like put every one ahead of us, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: There needs, there, there, what their requirements are, how they need to be supported.

[SPEAKER_00]: And what's wild to me, and I swear, I don't mean to keep saying this, but I did talk about this too with the lady that I coach the last week.

[SPEAKER_00]: And shout out to her by the way, if she's listening, what's wild to me, something that we talked about [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes our parents, all they can do is drain our energy.

[SPEAKER_00]: All they can do is drain our support.

[SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, that's just the truth.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when, and so you support them, but when you are a need of support, the type of support that you need, the type of care that you need, [SPEAKER_00]: they're nowhere to be found, they're not available.

[SPEAKER_00]: Other things take a priority, you know what I mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: Your needs are not necessarily important to them.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: So, more and more Black women are declining to be the caregiver in these situations for our parents, for our kids, for our partners, [SPEAKER_00]: the whole world.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's just what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, sometimes when we're talking, thinking about self-care and self-love, sometimes you've got to go to the extreme, especially depending on.

[SPEAKER_00]: where you are right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes you just gotta go to the extremes that you can do what you can to make sure that you are good, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, I just knew that I was not going to sacrifice my mental health because that's really what it was for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was the mental health for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Plus there was some physical stuff too, but it was just like I had to say, I'm not going to sacrifice [SPEAKER_00]: Take care of someone who I just didn't have that connection with or the capacity to do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think sometimes parents forget that, or they don't think about the fact that when you are raising your children or when you raised your children.

[SPEAKER_00]: For whatever reason, if you didn't have the capacity to care for them the way they deserved, if you didn't have the capacity to love them the way that they deserved, [SPEAKER_00]: if you didn't have the capacity to support them, to be kind to them, to be gentle with them, to love them the way that they deserve, but instead all they got was like violence or yelling or hitting or screaming or abuse or gaslighting or things of that nature, I don't understand why on the other side, you expect them to have the capacity in their hearts, [SPEAKER_00]: to want to give you what they never got.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, it's that is something that I definitely grapple with, and I still grapple with that.

[SPEAKER_00]: So again, it goes back to me choosing my piece.

[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have the capacity for that right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like if I did become like right now as things stand, if tomorrow, [SPEAKER_00]: had to step in to be caregiver.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, let's pretend that wasn't a choice.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had to step in and be the caregiver.

[SPEAKER_00]: That for me would be like self abandonment.

[SPEAKER_00]: That for me would be self abandonment because I would, at that point, have to kind of like lock myself away, like the real brie, I had to lock her way and kind of become like a robotic version of me, just so I could be able to, [SPEAKER_00]: have the capacity to do what will be required.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't feel like declining saying no to have an a boundary of not being a caregiver if you ain't got it for whatever reason, that's not selfish, that is self-care.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that is how we can go like take ourselves, help take ourselves out of survival mode if that's where we are.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I see a lot of black women making that decision.

[SPEAKER_00]: And just like the first thing that I talked about isn't always necessarily an easy decision, but for some of us, it's like it's a choice that we have to make.

[SPEAKER_00]: If we want to be as healthy and whole as we can possibly be.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, going back into that situation, especially if there's no healing has taken place between the parties and you're just going to be thrust like be thrusting yourself back into that situation, maybe like your childhood type of mentality and that's tough.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's really, really tough.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I just knew that I did not have the capacity to do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just didn't have the capacity to do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And something else I would say is that when we think about being a caregiver for others, especially when we do not have the capacity, [SPEAKER_00]: Like you are a lifeline, you are a resource for them.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're like your time, your body, your energy, that's a lifeline, that's a resource, you know?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I would prefer right now on my life to be that for myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would prefer to use my body the way that I wanna use my body.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would prefer to use my energy in my time, the way that I want to, and that's pouring into me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because right now I need that I am still on a healing journey.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's just what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's see, the third thing that I would say, and I know you've seen this and this might actually be you, is honey, these kids out here, and I'm saying kids because I am now in my 50s.

[SPEAKER_00]: These kids out here, they are not jumping to have kids.

[SPEAKER_00]: These kids out here in their 20s, [SPEAKER_00]: Many 30s, they are not necessarily jumping for joy over having children.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now we know that there's a lot going on, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: We know that we have a president in office who, we have a president in office who clearly, clearly, clearly is engaging in a war with our bodies.

[SPEAKER_00]: we know that.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think I read something today.

[SPEAKER_00]: What did I read today about?

[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, no.

[SPEAKER_00]: That was about Thailand all.

[SPEAKER_00]: Apparently our president is going to be or the administrations that we make an acclaim that Thailand all causes autism in children.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hold on, let me plug in my charger here from a laptop so it doesn't cut out.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully, oh boy, oh no.

[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't think this through, did I?

[SPEAKER_00]: Hold on one second.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm gonna have to move back a little bit.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we're just bear with me a second here.

[SPEAKER_00]: Y'all if you are watching, if you are listening to this versus watching it, I am repositioning my laptop [SPEAKER_00]: There we go.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, when you are recording stuff happens and I don't have to be perfect, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: So what was I saying?

[SPEAKER_00]: Let me go back to my notes here.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was saying something about Trump.

[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, there's obviously a war on [SPEAKER_00]: our bodies, okay, they're trying to control our bodies, they're trying to control having children.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like, and I feel like a lot of people feel this way too, you know, it's probably white women that are not having children, a lot of children as well, and so they want to do everything that they can to make sure that [SPEAKER_00]: white people repopulate, you know, and so we're kind of like caught up in that, that's just how I feel.

[SPEAKER_00]: So they're just trying to control our bodies for a variety of reasons, including they want to have more white kids, you know, populate in the planet.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I feel.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I feel.

[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, having no children is definitely definitely something that's going to rattle some cages.

[SPEAKER_00]: Deciding to be kid-free is definitely something that will rattle some cages [SPEAKER_00]: The world just acts like having a child and I'm a mom in case you don't know in case you're new here.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a mom, but the world acts like having a child is like the end all be all like this is all that a woman's body is for is to have a kid.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's it or have children.

[SPEAKER_00]: that's it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Damn anything else that you want to do.

[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like really women are hated by a lot of men, but again, because we are needed to have children at least for now until robots start having babies.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, [SPEAKER_00]: we have been a mother is like the end all be all for a lot of people in their minds anyway.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so there's definitely pressure for us, definitely pressure for black women, especially to hold the lineage together.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a keep having babies to, you know, all that jazz.

[SPEAKER_00]: But we're opting out.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I can't say that, [SPEAKER_00]: I, like, if I was younger, like if I was born, not when I was born, like if I wasn't born in the 70s, if I was maybe born like the 90s or the 2000s, I can't say that I would make the same decision that I have made to have a child.

[SPEAKER_00]: I can't say that, and I love, love, love my daughter, but I'm not sure that that's a decision that I would make all over again.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just, [SPEAKER_00]: It's up in the air.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's really up in the air.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't know, but in any case, self care can look like saying, I will not bear children.

[SPEAKER_00]: I will not bring any children into this world.

[SPEAKER_00]: I will not have any children in my womb.

[SPEAKER_00]: I am choosing to be child free.

[SPEAKER_00]: for however long I choose to be child free maybe it's a few years maybe it's a decade maybe it's indefinitely maybe it's I'm never having children but it's your choice it's your choice and it's a valid choice and it's a necessary choice there needs to be ways for us to be able to have control over our bodies so I know that [SPEAKER_00]: the things are outlawed, plan B and, you know, what did I, I feel like I saw something about birth control being banned.

[SPEAKER_00]: I swear I just read that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, but I don't want to, I don't want to lie, but I swear I just read something about how there was a massive amount of birth control paid for and then destroyed.

[SPEAKER_00]: But maybe that wasn't in the US.

[SPEAKER_00]: But regardless, like we can see the way the moves that this administration is making.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I still feel like we all feel like there's a war on our bodies and they're trying to control our bodies.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so by you saying, I refuse to have a child.

[SPEAKER_00]: However, you do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like if you got pregnant and you decided to abort, [SPEAKER_00]: or you decided not to have children at all whatsoever.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like you are, you are bucking the norm, you are bucking the system, and that's a threat.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's a threat, all right.

[SPEAKER_00]: So for those of you who are deciding that you do not want to have children right now, you're not ready.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying this especially to my youngens, like please please please please please please please.

[SPEAKER_00]: Be careful, be cautious, [SPEAKER_00]: obviously with the whole partner and knowing your partner and just being healthy in that way, but specifically also like wrap it up or wrap it up.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, if you're on birth control, take your birth control, like wrap it up, sister.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't feel like you can do that right now, I would say maybe take a break from having sex.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, just my opinion until you are sure.

[SPEAKER_00]: because there's always a possibility that a child will be conceived and then you have a hard decision to make.

[SPEAKER_00]: All right, all right.

[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, it's your body and it should be your choice.

[SPEAKER_00]: The fourth thing that I will say I'm just looking through my notes really quickly.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now I don't know if I'm gonna step on some toes, we'll just remember I'm gonna say it anyway.

[SPEAKER_00]: Leaving the traditional church.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I know that for many of us, the church was or is still, [SPEAKER_00]: like a central part of our lives.

[SPEAKER_00]: You were raised in the church.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's part of our culture.

[SPEAKER_00]: You was probably a baby sitting on your mama.

[SPEAKER_00]: Your dad is me in church, you know what I'm saying?

[SPEAKER_00]: The church is like the black church.

[SPEAKER_00]: It is culture, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: The black church is a part of our culture.

[SPEAKER_00]: But you know, these institutions, [SPEAKER_00]: They're harmful.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not gonna say every single church, obviously.

[SPEAKER_00]: But the institution of religion or these churches, some of them they are toxic and they are very harmful.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then we wonder why it's hard to invite people in to learn more about God when all they can see is what's happening [SPEAKER_00]: These mainstream churches are, I'll just say, funny.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're funny.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, someone put up a bootleg copy of this new Kanye West documentary called In Who's Name.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I decided to watch it.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was on YouTube.

[SPEAKER_00]: I watched it and I should be ashamed, but I'm not because I'm tired of paying for movies.

[SPEAKER_00]: I watched the documentary and something very interesting happened.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you know who Ye is, you know who Kanye is, you know some of the stuff he's wrapped about, some of the things he said, etc.

[SPEAKER_00]: etc.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't need to get into that.

[SPEAKER_00]: But you remember when he was doing that whole church movement, I think that was probably around like 2020, 2020, wanted something like that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so they're showing how he was doing the church stuff and they were singing the songs and all of that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was great.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think they were up in the Hollywood Bowl.

[SPEAKER_00]: I forget where they were.

[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, in one of the next scenes, something I did not know, but they showed in the documentary was that, [SPEAKER_00]: Kanye ended up going to Joel Olstein.

[SPEAKER_00]: Joel Olstein's church.

[SPEAKER_00]: His mega church.

[SPEAKER_00]: What's it called?

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't remember the name of it, but you know what I'm talking about.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm talking about?

[SPEAKER_00]: Joel Olstein, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: And he's talking about his love for God and they do like a concert in the church.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was just something and everybody had their cameras out like they were at a concert and they were a court and a vibe and I will say I don't think there's anything wrong or bad about [SPEAKER_00]: having people get into the church in a way that connects, all right?

[SPEAKER_00]: I know that things change, whatever.

[SPEAKER_00]: What I was like dumbfounded by is the fact that Joel Osteen had Kanye, com and speak to his congregation, and that was just like further confirmation for me, like some of these pastors, they're just [SPEAKER_00]: They're just up to no good and for them, it's just a money grab.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like some of these pastors hate women, honestly.

[SPEAKER_00]: And they really don't love God the way that they say they do.

[SPEAKER_00]: I guess that's just me.

[SPEAKER_00]: I am just very, what am I trying to say?

[SPEAKER_00]: I am very jaded, I guess, bye.

[SPEAKER_00]: the church experience, because all I see is these mega churches, these mega churches in these Kajuyen dollar buildings, and they're making all these promises to their congregation, but really all it is, it's like a tax write-off and they're just getting more money into their pocket.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I just cannot get Jiggy with that anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I've seen it time and time and time and time again.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen and heard of pastors who were molesting children.

[SPEAKER_00]: But yet you're spreading the word of God.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's just, it's just, I'm just jaded by the church experience.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that other women, other black women are as well.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, your mileage may vary, [SPEAKER_00]: does more harm than it heals a lot of times.

[SPEAKER_00]: And something else, what was I going to say?

[SPEAKER_00]: It was about Candace Owens, I think.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, shoot.

[SPEAKER_00]: What was I going to say?

[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, no, something else that really was just like, mmm, okay.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I just don't want to be associated with what it means to be in [SPEAKER_00]: church, like the culture of church, especially after her, this black woman say this recently, I was on YouTube.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this black lady, I was actually going to ask her to be on the podcast because she talks about some financial stuff or something rather if I'm not mistaken.

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, then I happened to watch one of her videos and as soon as she said what she said, I was like, absolutely not hell, no, no shut it down.

[SPEAKER_00]: She said something along the lines of how Charlie Kirk now, we know Charlie Kirk is the, um, [SPEAKER_00]: the founder of what's it called turning point?

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we know who Charlie Kirk is.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, she said out of her own mouth, something along the lines of how even in death, Charlie Kirk is bringing [SPEAKER_00]: So she was basically saying that in life he was doing these great things for humanity and bringing people to God and even in death, he's still doing great things for humanity and he's bringing people to God.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it just dumbfounded me that a black woman could say those words and be so gung-ho.

[SPEAKER_00]: about Charlie Kirk, but I also found out that she is a mom she's Trump she's a Trump supporter, you know, so then that tracks.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I mean, my jaw just dropped because I didn't expect to hear that out of another person's mouth, Charlie Kirk bringing us back to the church, I don't want to be a part of that church if that's what if having that type of mindset and the things that he says, including how black women show a bomb on some other people how if not for DEI like we're we're stupid we're not smart enough to have certain roles and positions like.

[SPEAKER_00]: What?

[SPEAKER_00]: No, thank you.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I, this, this concept of church or this idea of church, I'm like over it, I'm over it.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I prefer, and I see the other women as well are doing this too, is like I prefer to, to, to approach God in my own way to have a relationship with God.

[SPEAKER_00]: in my own way.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just can't get jiggy with a church anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, in the church, a lot of times your voice, you'd like your silence, your voice, silence, they shame women.

[SPEAKER_00]: I swear I saw something where a black girl probably like 17, 18, I'm guessing.

[SPEAKER_00]: She was she got pregnant by a guy, obviously.

[SPEAKER_00]: And [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of calling the guy to task, they brought her to task, and she had to apologize to the church and some other things.

[SPEAKER_00]: What?

[SPEAKER_00]: So, now I'm good, it's just like, I feel like these churches, some of them, it's just another form of control, another form of slavery.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I said it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Leave in the church doesn't mean you are leaving your relationship with God or leaving that type of church doesn't mean that you're losing your like you're leaving your relationship with God or how you feel about God or your relationship it just means like you're refusing to to continue to immerse yourself in this toxic.

[SPEAKER_00]: culture because that's what it is a lot of times.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I'm not saying every church, but a lot of these churches, they're just messy.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I can't imagine.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, I'm not even talking about the black church.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just talking about churches in general.

[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of the churches, they're messy.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's so much going on that we don't even know about, but it's just messy.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't think or I refuse to believe that God had this in mind when you thought about just this idea of worship and following him.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just I could obviously I could be way off, but I know.

[SPEAKER_00]: No, there's just way too much happening into church.

[SPEAKER_00]: for that to be true.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, a lot of people are leaving the traditional church.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're just saying.

[SPEAKER_00]: The last thing I think, I'm looking at my notes here really quickly.

[SPEAKER_00]: The last thing that I would say, a lot of black women are doing and it's just extreme is that we are investing in ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, we are investing in ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: And again, we are taught to pour into everybody, we're taught to pour into everyone, we're taught to put everyone first.

[SPEAKER_00]: And, [SPEAKER_00]: Like we're not doing that anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like we are flipping the script when it comes to investing in ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so like, oh, some of us speaking up church because some of us are choosing to invest in therapy instead of investing in tides.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we are investing in therapy instead of investing in these tides.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just saying, some of us, we are, we're not paying our children's car notes anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're taking that money and investing in our businesses.

[SPEAKER_00]: Some of us, we're no longer paying our sister's rent.

[SPEAKER_00]: We are taking that money and hiring a personal trainer like we are, [SPEAKER_00]: taking our resources, and instead of putting them out, we're putting them in.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going inward with these investments.

[SPEAKER_00]: And they're going to pay off in spades for us, you know, and I'm not mad at it.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not mad at it because black women deserve to invest themselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: Black women deserve to be prioritized.

[SPEAKER_00]: Black women deserve to be taken care of, even if it's us taking care of ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: And actually, I feel like it is my responsibility to really take care of myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, before I expect someone else to just do it for me, I want to know how to take care of myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know how to love myself the way that I deserve.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know how to prioritize myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know how to heal myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know how to be in relationship with myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know how to, you know, repair it myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: you know all those things and then take that and then you know put it into someone a healthy situation but you know some of us don't really have that foundation yet and it's hard for you to go out into the world and do certain things if your foundation is is is rocking.

[SPEAKER_00]: If your foundation is rocky, that's telling you that you need to shore up your foundation.

[SPEAKER_00]: So investing in yourself versus always tie then, always putting in for the chicken fund and the, and the, what are the funds they have the church?

[SPEAKER_00]: The pink, the building fund and the get us new views fund and the pay, let's get the pastor, a new, jag fund and just different things like that.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay for us to invest in ourselves, and a lot of black women are doing that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Investing yourself is like declaring that you deserve to be taken care of, you deserve to pour your resources into yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's a stream because it really, [SPEAKER_00]: sets the tone that you are not responsible for everybody, you are not responsible for everybody.

[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody needs to hear that right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are not responsible for everybody.

[SPEAKER_00]: You do not have to commit to everybody.

[SPEAKER_00]: You do not have to do all the things.

[SPEAKER_00]: Especially if your foundation is shaky, but even if it's not [SPEAKER_00]: you deserve to invest in yourself, whatever that looks like for you, whatever that looks like for you, all right.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you're like I said, those are some ways I'm noticing that black women are really starting to or have been practicing some extreme extreme extreme, self care, [SPEAKER_00]: and I am here for it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, these choices that we talked about, cut enough of parent, put it a boundary between you and your child, investing in yourself, deciding that you were going to, [SPEAKER_00]: approach spirituality in a way that makes sense for you and doesn't feel toxic, leaving the church, not being a caregiver anymore, or at least in the capacity that you have been.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know these sound extreme, but it's only because we've been told that our survival should look like suffering.

[SPEAKER_00]: Our survival should look like suffering.

[SPEAKER_00]: Our survival should look like suffering.

[SPEAKER_00]: Our survival doesn't include joy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Our survival doesn't include happiness.

[SPEAKER_00]: Our survival doesn't include stability and wellness and wholeness and healing.

[SPEAKER_00]: And any of those things, our survival is just like, we're supposed to, it's just supposed to be about suffering.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's another lie that the church told us back in the day and at least when our ancestors were being beaten with an inch of their life.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was that we need to suffer now and then we would have access to heaven.

[SPEAKER_00]: After we suffered here on earth and sacrificed ourselves, then we would be able to get into the white version of heaven.

[SPEAKER_00]: make that make sense.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, black women, we're not supposed to look like we're well off.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're not supposed to look like we're we are taking care of ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're not supposed to talk about the world standards.

[SPEAKER_00]: A black woman's not supposed to, you know, have all this joy and peace and comfort and ease and self-love and [SPEAKER_00]: You know, all that stuff we're supposed to look like we are like all my life I had to fight like that's that is the expectation and if we book that expectation then you know we get the labels we get the labels you know we get the labels but that's just.

[SPEAKER_00]: the reality, but you know self-care is for you, self-care these things that we talked about this extreme way of doing self-care.

[SPEAKER_00]: It isn't always necessarily soft.

[SPEAKER_00]: It isn't always necessarily easy.

[SPEAKER_00]: It isn't always necessarily all woo-woo-woo and magic.

[SPEAKER_00]: It isn't always gentle.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's uncomfortable, sometimes it's, it can feel off-putting, it's definitely disruptive.

[SPEAKER_00]: This type of self-care, and these were not the only ways, by the way, but these are the ones that were top of mind when I was making my notes, but this is definitely, this type of self-care is definitely disruptive.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's just what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's just what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, these good black folks for deck for centuries, we've been these quote unquote good black folks and where has that gotten us, you know, we in black when we just fall in line like we're has that gotten us so, you know, now we are really out here shaking some damn tables and the world is not necessarily all happy about it, but it is what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: It is what it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: So this kind of self-care is going to change your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: Extreme self-care is definitely going to change your life, all right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that I've said, I'm looking at my notes really quickly, but I'm pretty sure I've said all that I wanted to say.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let me know your thoughts, feel free to email me at connectetbrowngirlsselfcare.com that's CO in ECT at browngirlsselfcare.com.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mentioned this before, I believe, but I do offer coaching for Black women who are you can identify yourself and some of these things that we're talking about and you know that you want to set boundaries, you know that you want to pour into yourself, you know that you want to love yourself more, you know that you are worthy of investing in yourself and your joy, your peace, your happiness, but you just need some help.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm your girl.

[SPEAKER_00]: You can go ahead and it's gonna be a link in the show notes.

[SPEAKER_00]: I will go ahead and add it there so that you can book a one on one session with me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we can just start to get your life all the way to get the girl, all right?

[SPEAKER_00]: All right.

[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, that's it for this week's episode of a podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're on YouTube watching, thank you so much.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm still trying to figure out the camera.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know where the hell I'm supposed to be looking.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would get it eventually at some point, but if you were wondering why she ain't looking, [SPEAKER_00]: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha