You are listening to That Hoarder: Overcome Compulsive Hoarding. Learn about hoarding disorder from me, somebody who has it. I promote a better understanding of hoarding disorder, a stigmatised mental health condition that is mocked rather than treated with compassion. I want to change that, and by talking openly and honestly about hoarding, I hope to start conversations that help. Find out how to support the podcast at overcomecompulsivehoarding.co.uk/support. Finally, I am not a doctor. I’m just a hoarder doing her best. So do seek professional support if and when you need it. Hey, how are you? Welcome to episode 199 of the podcast. It is absolutely wild to have got that far. Am I going to mark episode 200 somehow? To be honest, your guess is as good as mine. I feel like I should, because even I can acknowledge it’s a hell of an achievement. It’s been a lot of work. It’s created some incredible things. However, I’ve no idea how to mark it. So if you have any ideas, please do ping them over to me at info@overcomecompulsivehoarding.co.uk. Today I’m talking about layers. There are so many layers to hoarding disorder that there are layers of how many layers there are! Just when we think we’ve understood something, there are deeper layers. Or just when we get to the heart of something, we find there are superficial layers. There are layers in different areas. There are physical layers of our stuff. There are layers to our emotions. There are layers to our reactions. And I’m going to explore some of these layers today, not to overwhelm us all with the complexity of it, but to help us to have a look and recognise that what we are experiencing isn’t simple and straightforward. And healing and recovery are therefore not simple and straightforward, but that it all contributes to a picture of understanding ourselves better and creating change in our lives. Physical layers So let’s start with the physical layers, the most obvious kind of layers, maybe. The visible layers of stuff in our homes. I’ve talked before about how I often feel like I’m doing some kind of archaeological dig when I’m sorting through piles of things. Every layer has its own story. Every layer of possessions has its own history and memories and associated feelings. There’s also a really practical guide to what the layers of our stuff tell us. The top layer of things might be the newest things to come into our home, or they might be the things we use and access the most. So we might have a pile of notebooks, but the one at the top is the one we actually get out and write in. Or we might have a pile of unopened letters, but the ones at the top are the most recent to have come through the door. The middle layers of stuff can be a confusing place, I find. There’s a whole mixture of reasonably recent things that have been ignored, quite old things that have been uncovered. Middle layers can be from quite a particular period of time that we might recognise, oh, that was when I was wearing all purple, or that was when I was reading a load of books about self-care. And it can tell us about a time in our life, and it can also tell us that these are things that maybe served a purpose, but that we are not accessing and using and engaging with currently anymore. And that can tell us something about whether those things still deserve a place in our home, or whether we actually need to be thinking about moving them on somewhere else. And then the bottom layers, for me, are often emotionally complex ones. They might be very nostalgic things. They might be things I’ve tried and failed to make a decision on over a long period of time. They might be also emotionally complicated because they’re at the bottom of a pile and they have been for five years, and so they’re broken or they’re ruined, or they’re something that we very literally buried because we didn’t want to deal with them. So even in these physical layers of things, there are stories that can distress us or empower us, and these stories can also help to inform decisions we make. If it’s at the bottom of a pile, if it’s in the middle of a pile, we haven’t used it for a while, does that mean it should stay? If it’s at the top because we use it all the time, is there somewhere better we can keep it? Do we need all the duplicates of it? That kind of thing. So we can use the layers to tell those stories. We can use the layers to learn about ourselves, and we can use the layers to help us to make better decisions. If on the bottom layer we find medication that’s out of date or something that’s broken, that can feel horrible. But if we find something on the bottom of a pile, we can also feel a pang of, if I didn’t have this much, I would have been able to maybe use this and engage with it and take advantage of it. But it can also lead us to, if I forgot this item existed entirely, or if I didn’t but it’s been on the bottom of a pile for 20 years, if I forgot about this or didn’t access it, maybe I don’t really need to keep it. But hoarding disorder is not all about the stuff. It is a mental health problem, and there are a lot of emotional layers to hoarding. Emotional layers And then there are emotional layers that we add on to the existing emotional layers. So there’s surface emotions. We might feel annoyed, or we might feel irritable, or we might feel sad. And then if we go a bit deeper, what might be behind that is anxiety about letting go or fear of making the wrong decision. And if we go a layer deeper than that, we might be talking about grief. We might be talking about trauma. We might feel massively inadequate or unworthy. And intermingled with all of those layers of emotions, there might be a lot of guilt. There might be a lot of anger at ourselves. There might be a lot of disappointment in ourselves. And all of these, - I’m describing them as layers as if that’s simple, but they all get mixed up together. There is a woman I have talked about before on the podcast called Carolyn Spring, who writes and speaks incredibly insightfully about trauma. And something that she said that I think of a lot is how we add layers of distress to our existing distress. So we might find a treasured item at the bottom of a pile that has been broken, and we might feel really sad about that because it meant something to us. And then that might bring up the grief associated with hoarding in general, or with the person who gave you that item. But then we might add layers onto that of beating ourselves up for having got into this situation. And onto that, we might add a layer of this proves I am a terrible person. And there’s the unavoidable layers of emotions in there, which might be sadness that this thing broke, and grief when we think of the person who gave it to us. And there isn’t a whole lot we can do about those in the moment, but what we can try and do something about is the additional layers that we are adding on that make us feel even worse than just the sadness and grief alone, which is the guilt and self-blame. And maybe we can try and do something about those. We can try and work out which bits are unavoidable, which layers of what we’re feeling are unavoidable, and which we can try and shift. For instance, if we have a history of complex trauma, we can’t change that we have a history of complex trauma. We didn’t choose that. We can’t omit it from our life’s history. But a layer on top of that of harsh self-criticism, or guilt, or feeling inadequate, on top of that, when we recognise that we may be adding layers to what is already distressing, it can feel like we might actually have a bit of agency in some of how we feel. Because hoarding disorder isn’t isolated from the emotions we feel around our possessions. Hoarding disorder is kind of defined and mapped out by the emotions we feel around our possessions. And those feelings come in layers, just like our stuff might end up in layers. And that layer of self-blame and self-judgment can be one of the most damaging layers. It sits on top of everything else. It makes the whole picture heavier. And that might sound like, I should have lived differently. I should be in control of this. Other people don’t have this problem, why do I? I am weak, or I am lazy, or one I say to myself regularly, I am broken. And this layer of self-blame, on top of all the other stuff that’s already complex and hard, doesn’t solve any problems. It makes everything harder to handle, makes everything harder to address. And when we can recognise that it’s a separate layer, it’s one we’ve added, for a million reasons, maybe we’re regularly told we’re lazy, or weak, or broken. Maybe we’re regularly told that we should be living differently, or we should have made different choices. It’s not that we say those things to ourselves out of nowhere. But when we recognise that we are adding to already difficult layers with a layer of our own self-recrimination, that does remind us that we can do something about that layer. It’s not simple. My inner critic and I have a long and storied history, and we’re still trying to work out how to live together. But in my worst moments, it does help me to pick apart which of these feelings, pain, trauma, grief are facts of life and unavoidable, which are a result of how complicated those things are, and which are me beating myself up for all the rest of it. And those last bits are the ones that I’m trying to be conscious of and ease up on a bit, because they’re not helping. They’re definitely making things worse. Cascading layers of problems Another layer it can be helpful to think about in terms of hoarding disorder - honestly the layers of planning that went into this episode are… the layers of charts and arrows, to make it all make sense. But I want to talk about the layers that are created when problems create more problems. Did you know that you can get a free weekly email from me by signing up at overcomecompulsivehoarding.co.uk/newsletter? You also get a bonus printable with a series of questions that are helpful to ask when you’re trying to make decisions about your stuff, all for free. Sign up at overcomecompulsivehoarding.co.uk/newsletter, and you’ll get a link to the printable in your inbox, thank you. Hoarding has a way of creating a problem that then can lead to a bigger problem, that then can lead to a bigger problem. It all kind of cascades. So there may be the problem of an excessive number of belongings, and then there is a leak. And so there is a new layer, which is a leak that we may not immediately spot because it is hidden behind stuff. And then a further layer of that is when we do spot it, we can’t get it fixed because we can’t let anyone in. And then a further layer still is that everything then starts to get mouldy. And so one problem cascades and creates other issues. Another version of how those layers cascade with hoarding might be you feel like you can’t have friends over, so then you become quite isolated. So then you become quite depressed, which can worsen hoarding, which can then lead to us definitely can’t have people over now, which creates layers of the self-blame we’ve already talked about. Maybe more depression, that self-perpetuating thing. So what started as one issue, which was having a lot of possessions, cascades with all these other layers. Another example of that might be you know you’ve got a bill to pay, but you can’t find the bill. So then you don’t get it paid, so then there is another layer where you get a fine or you get in trouble, or you know something gets cut off. So we have what already might feel overwhelming in itself, which is an overwhelming number of belongings. But then each new layer adds more overwhelm and more of a sense of powerlessness and regret and all of that. But when we can understand how those things are cascading and pick that apart a bit, it can really help us to understand why hoarding disorder is so complex. But also maybe have a touch of compassion for ourselves when we can see how a process happened and maybe step back and think, yeah, that is a lot to handle. Maybe I should give myself a break. Identity layers But there are more. There are more types of layers I have identified around hoarding disorder. And one that I thought was really interesting to touch on was layers of identity that this weird mental health problem can make a bit more complicated. Identities already a confusing thing for a lot of people, whether that’s being authentically yourself, whether that’s around things like your gender identity or your sexuality or who you want to be in life, what role you want to play in life. But then with hoarding, there’s also things like there’s your public identity. I think lot of us move around the world in a way that we hope does not betray the chaos at home. I work with people, socialise with people, who have no idea what’s going on at home. And this is quite carefully managed for a lot of us. And then there’s our private identity, which is who we are when we’re home or when we’re on our own. Who we feel like we are in ourself. But we might also have former identities, historical identities of who we used to be. Whether that’s before hoarding became an issue, whether it’s before a particular trauma or grief, or whether it’s just that we’ve tried out different identities for size over the years. And there’s our future identity and who we want that to be. Who we feel it might be. Do we want to look ahead and see ourselves with the same issue? Do we want to be living a different life? And how do we make that happen? And thinking of the layers of identity and who we are in ourselves, and which of those are real and authentic and genuine and honest, and which are protective, and which are lying or pretending, and which we want to hold on to, and which we want to shed, we realise that it’s a big patchwork of a lot of things. And if we get stuck in the thinking that things we own make up our identity, we need to own these objects because that means we are a particular kind of person... I want to be the kind of person who reads books like this, so I will keep these books. I want to hold on to my former identity as a teacher because that was important to me. But now I’ve retired. But I’m going to keep all my teaching materials because that’s part of my identity. When we actually look at the complexity of our identity, it can help us to see that we are those things, the good and the bad, regardless of the objects we keep in our lives. Because we can rediscover ourselves separately to our stuff. Layers of time And this ties into layers of time as well. There can be a really interesting relationship with time in hoarding. There might be things we hold on to in order to keep a connection with our past. Items that represent memories we have or people we knew, relationships we have. Items that represent memories or hold memories. Items that connect us to relationships we had in the past or people we knew or former identities of our own. There’s also the current, present layers, which might look mostly like a feeling of overwhelm or panic or analysis paralysis, or however that is manifesting on a daily basis. Time layers relevant in hoarding also apply to thoughts about our futures. What if I need this? What if future me needs four bread knives? What will I do if I don’t have it? But also this idea of parts of our home or some of our belongings are kind of frozen in time. They exist in this suspended animation and we’re not using them. They’re keeping us anchored to something in the past that may or may not feel positive to us. And that it can be worth saying this is who I was, or this is what that relationship was. But who do I want to be now? And who do I want to be next? And what do I want my life to look like now? And what do I want my life to look like next? Layers of shame and secrecy Finally in terms of layers, I think a big theme for a lot of us is layers of shame and secrecy that are invisible but keep us really shrouded. They can be very present for a lot of people who hoard. Shame about the way I live. Shame about this being a giant secret or, if not a secret, maybe something we’re criticised for, something we’re in trouble for. Then secrecy, for some of us, hoarding is a giant secret. Other people are able to be more open about it. When I started this podcast, it was because hoarding was a huge anchor around my neck, weighing me down that nobody knew about. Now a handful of people know about… well all of you know about it, but not knowing who I am. A handful of people in my real life know about it. But that secrecy feels protective. But it does weigh us down, and it takes a lot of energy to maintain that secrecy. Whether that’s an excuse for why someone can’t pop round, whether it’s constantly checking the background of your zoom call to check that nobody can see your mess, whether it’s feeling bad about telling white lies to get away with hoarding behaviours, that secrecy is hard work. And if we do tell people, we might find ourselves really over-scrutinising their reactions. This is something I know in myself I have done. Even if I tell somebody and they react very supportively, I’m looking for secret signs that they’re disgusted and hate me. And thankfully I have never spotted them. But also with that shame and secrecy can be a layer of performing that ties into maintaining that secrecy or hiding that shame. And all of that is tiring, and I think perpetuates the shame. The more we do to cover up our circumstances or how bad we feel things are or how terrible we think we are, the more it reinforces that we should feel shame. When shame is almost exclusively a negative and counterproductive emotion. And those layers of shame and secrecy, as well as making us feel awful, can also be massive barriers in getting help and getting support. This, again, is something that I know a lot about. I didn’t even tell therapists for years that I hoarded. And the thought of letting somebody in to help still feels insurmountable to me. I am so inspired when I hear in one of the dehoarding accountability zoom chats or from one of you listening that you have help coming in. I’m so inspired and in awe of you for that. So we’ve got all these layers. We’ve got layers on layers. We’ve got different types of layers. What do we do about it? The goal is not to pick it all apart and strip them all away today. That’s overwhelming. And the layers, some are protective, some are just very long-standing, and we don’t quite know what would be there in their absence. Some are very practical, like the layers of stuff. But I think starting by acknowledging that this is a mental health condition with incredible complexity, and our experience of it is layered because life is already layered. And this adds many layers of layers. And when we acknowledge that it’s really complex and nuanced, we can start just by recognising some of those layers and how they’re impacting our lives. For me, the big one I’m spotting the most at the adding layers of self-blame to an already distressing situation. But the layers you start spotting might be entirely different. But we don’t even have to address them immediately. We can just see that they’re there, because this is a process that requires an awful lot of patience and pacing. Peeling back these layers, deciding which layers we want to peel back and which we just want to leave where they are for now, all of that is time-consuming and may well require support from a therapist or a support group. Having support helps us to navigate these layers, as well as reducing isolation and shame potentially. And those layers are evidence that we are resourceful and we can access resources. In those layers, some of those layers are not problems. They are wisdom we have added onto a situation or resilience or strength. They are evidence of progress. The point of looking at the many different ways that layers impact people who hoard isn’t about making it sound even more complicated. It’s about validating that this is complex, that what we are experiencing and trying to live with is nuanced and messy. And it means that when we hear just get rid of stuff, whether from our own heads or somebody else’s mouth, that’s not acknowledging that there’s all these layers. And we don’t have to tackle every layer now, or ever. But when we start by noticing them, acknowledging them gently, maybe trying to pick apart one or two of them, then we’re starting to understand ourselves better. And maybe finding a way to unknot some of the really knotty bits that have kept us stuck. We as humans, exist amidst and beyond all of these layers. When we can start looking at them and through them carefully and gently and with self-compassion, we can do so because we’re not lazy or weak or broken or failing. We can do it because we are human, and that is enough of a reason to treat ourselves a little bit better and try really hard to make changes that improve our lives. Okay thank you for listening, and I will speak to you next time. Thank you for listening to That Hoarder: Overcome Compulsive Hoarding podcast. It’s been a pleasure to have you on board. You can find all the links I’ve mentioned and a transcript of the episode online at overcomecompulsivehoarding.co.uk. 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