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Embrace Your Brave: Hey, friends! Welcome back to Not That Girl Anymore.

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Embrace Your Brave: I'm your host, Dawn Bouillon, trauma therapist and coach, and the founder here of Embrace Your Brave.

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Embrace Your Brave: And this episode is part of our Braving the Holidays series, where we're talking honestly about the holiday season, and what that can be like when you come from

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Embrace Your Brave: Complex situations, or painful losses, or emotionally unsafe family systems.

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Embrace Your Brave: And how to protect your… yourself, and protect your peace while you're healing.

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Embrace Your Brave: So today's episode is really for anyone who feels like that knot in your stomach.

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Embrace Your Brave: as soon as that… that Thanksgiving passes and the holiday season just…

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Embrace Your Brave: Comes around, it's like our body just knows it's that time of year.

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Embrace Your Brave: And for some of us, that's really heavy.

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Embrace Your Brave: You know, other people might be posting their matching pajamas and their cozy.

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Embrace Your Brave: Family gatherings, and then many of us are, like, quietly bracing ourselves.

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Embrace Your Brave: Just wondering, how am I gonna make it through another Christmas?

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Embrace Your Brave: With a narcissist.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or inside this unhealthy family system.

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Embrace Your Brave: And if that's you… I want you to hear this.

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Embrace Your Brave: You're not alone.

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Embrace Your Brave: And you're not being dramatic.

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Embrace Your Brave: And you're not making this shit up, either.

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Embrace Your Brave: Because for survivor… for survivors, Christmas isn't, like, peaceful.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's heavy!

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Embrace Your Brave: It's that emotional tension, it's the guilt.

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Embrace Your Brave: So much guilt at Christmas time.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's the exhausting feeling of walking on eggshells.

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Embrace Your Brave: And so… Today, we're just gonna kinda talk about some of that, and what that can look like.

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Embrace Your Brave: And why the holidays can just feel… Extra.

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Embrace Your Brave: Hard.

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Embrace Your Brave: So…

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Embrace Your Brave: So let's talk about this, this family system.

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Embrace Your Brave: Thing.

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Embrace Your Brave: with, with narcissistic family system.

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Embrace Your Brave: Remember with a narcissist, it's not just occasional selfishness. It's this pattern of emotional manipulation and control.

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Embrace Your Brave: And that can involve a deep need for attention and admiration, Low empathy or no empathy?

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Embrace Your Brave: A lack of accountability, The use of guilt or shame.

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Embrace Your Brave: for power.

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Embrace Your Brave: And the punishment of boundaries.

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Embrace Your Brave: So in a narcissistic family system like this, everyone organizes around the emotional danger instead of emotional safety.

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Embrace Your Brave: And that's why we call these dysregulated family systems. The families are adapting to survive.

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Embrace Your Brave: And to survival instead of connection.

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Embrace Your Brave: And that's when those roles emerge, and we've talked about this a little.

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Embrace Your Brave: Before on the podcast, but… We shift into those old roles of the golden child.

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Embrace Your Brave: Where that's the idealized one, or the protected one. And at Christmas time, this can look like, you know, looking at the person that seemingly has all their life together, and that kind of gives evidence that the family's good or okay.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then we have the scapegoat, the one that kind of just takes the blame for everything, we just blame that person for the family's dysfunction.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then we have the caretaker and the peace… the peacekeeper.

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Embrace Your Brave: That just wants to manage the emotions and make sure everybody's happy and good.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then the lost child is the one that's kind of the invisible one.

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Embrace Your Brave: They're emotionally invisible, sometimes physically invisible, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: A lot of times, for us women, we fall into these roles, like the caretaker or the scapegoat.

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Embrace Your Brave: And the caretaker learns, if I can just keep everybody calm.

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Embrace Your Brave: Then I'm… then I matter. I'm important.

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Embrace Your Brave: And the scapegoat learns if I can just absorb the blame, then I can survive.

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Embrace Your Brave: But both of those roles kind of revolve around the same belief.

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Embrace Your Brave: My needs don't matter.

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Embrace Your Brave: Money's come last.

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Embrace Your Brave: And during the holidays, it's like this intensifies.

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Embrace Your Brave: The narcissistic system Because the expectations just skyrocket.

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Embrace Your Brave: Okay, so this is the season to be grateful, keep the peace, don't create conflict.

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Embrace Your Brave: Smile for the pictures, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: But narcissistic families operate on control.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, where you go, how long you stay, they want to have a say in all of that.

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Embrace Your Brave: And it's all about maintaining the image.

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Embrace Your Brave: So it's about performance over authenticity.

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Embrace Your Brave: They want to look good. They want everything to look perfect. They want you to act perfect. It's all about the image.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then it's also all about… the attention.

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Embrace Your Brave: Right? Dominating the energy in the room, the attention in the room.

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Embrace Your Brave: And your nervous system recognizes that this isn't safe.

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Embrace Your Brave: So even if no one says anything out loud.

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Embrace Your Brave: Your body knows, and your body feels it.

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Embrace Your Brave: And this is what we call trauma reactivation.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's like, the past patterns.

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Embrace Your Brave: Light up again, even if the danger is subtle.

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Embrace Your Brave: And this is why you might feel anxiety.

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Embrace Your Brave: or numbness.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or hypervigilance.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or emotional exhaustion.

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Embrace Your Brave: Those reactions are not weakness.

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Embrace Your Brave: Your body remembers.

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Embrace Your Brave: Before your mind can even make sense of it.

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Embrace Your Brave: And here's a truth we don't really talk about enough with narcissists.

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Embrace Your Brave: Narcissists hate joy.

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Embrace Your Brave: They don't like joy.

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Embrace Your Brave: They don't like seeing other people genuinely happy.

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Embrace Your Brave: Excuse me. And here's why.

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Embrace Your Brave: Because your joy removes their spotlight.

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Embrace Your Brave: In narcissistic systems, Excuse me, I'm losing my voice.

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Embrace Your Brave: In narcissistic systems, emotions revolve around them.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, your happiness means that you're shifting that attention away from them.

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Embrace Your Brave: Which feels like they're losing control.

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Embrace Your Brave: So your joy removes the spotlight off of them.

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Embrace Your Brave: Excuse me.

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Embrace Your Brave: Hmm.

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Embrace Your Brave: Can't camp… I can't.

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Embrace Your Brave: I couldn't clear my throat.

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Embrace Your Brave: Okay.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, and your joy mirrors what they are lacking.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, a narcissist, they… They… they hide that…

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Embrace Your Brave: Deep emotional emptiness that they have.

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Embrace Your Brave: But your joy exposes that.

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Embrace Your Brave: in them.

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Embrace Your Brave: And rather than heal, And they try to dim your light.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or they dim the light around them.

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Embrace Your Brave: Because you're mirroring to them what they're lacking.

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Embrace Your Brave: Enjoy requires vulnerability.

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Embrace Your Brave: Like, connection and happiness requires openness.

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Embrace Your Brave: Narcissists avoid that because it feels unsafe.

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Embrace Your Brave: And here's the other thing.

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Embrace Your Brave: Joy makes you harder to control.

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Embrace Your Brave: A joyful woman, like, sees things clearly.

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Embrace Your Brave: And she sets boundaries, and she risks the truth.

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Embrace Your Brave: So a narcissist is going to respond to something like that with criticism, Have you noticed that?

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Embrace Your Brave: sarcasm?

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Embrace Your Brave: Shame?

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Embrace Your Brave: Emotional sabotage?

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Embrace Your Brave: Creating chaos?

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Embrace Your Brave: Anybody?

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Embrace Your Brave: How many of us have experienced someone just creating complete chaos before, like, these special events happen?

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Embrace Your Brave: That's real.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then diminishing your excitement.

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Embrace Your Brave: So you come in happy, excited, joyful, and they do something to diminish it.

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Embrace Your Brave: Right.

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Embrace Your Brave: And it's not because you did anything wrong, but it's because your joy threatens their control.

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Embrace Your Brave: Your joy is not the problem.

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Embrace Your Brave: Your joy is actually a sign of healing.

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Embrace Your Brave: So… Many of us survivors show up to the holidays kind of stuck in that trauma response of fawning.

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Embrace Your Brave: For people-pleasing, for safety.

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Embrace Your Brave: And for some of us, that can look like… Over-giving.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or over-apologizing, or managing moods, or silencing ourselves.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or what we need.

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Embrace Your Brave: Could your nervous system learn?

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Embrace Your Brave: If I can keep everyone happy, then I can stay safe.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then we have that, that cognitive dissonance.

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Embrace Your Brave: Right.

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Embrace Your Brave: two different… thoughts.

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Embrace Your Brave: This is my family. I should want to be here.

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Embrace Your Brave: And… Being here hurts me.

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Embrace Your Brave: It hurts.

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Embrace Your Brave: So we have the, I should want to be here because this is my family.

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Embrace Your Brave: And being here hurts me.

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Embrace Your Brave: And both of those things can exist, and the tension there creates the confusion, And the shame.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then we start thinking, Maybe I'm the problem. Am I too sensitive?

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Embrace Your Brave: Was it really that bad?

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Embrace Your Brave: And why can't I just move on?

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Embrace Your Brave: But here's what the truth is about that.

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Embrace Your Brave: Love does not equal emotional safety.

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Embrace Your Brave: So just because you love these people.

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Embrace Your Brave: And feel like you should want to be there. It doesn't mean it's safe to do that.

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Embrace Your Brave: Both things can exist at the same time.

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Embrace Your Brave: So here's a couple scenarios, maybe, to think about, and maybe you've seen this.

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Embrace Your Brave: How about when you start sharing something vulnerably?

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Embrace Your Brave: with the group.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or maybe you're sharing something you're excited about, or sharing something, you know, that you've done that you are, you know, an accomplishment or something.

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Embrace Your Brave: And someone else just steps in and minimizes it.

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Embrace Your Brave: Yeah.

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Embrace Your Brave: How does that feel?

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Embrace Your Brave: not fun, right? But very common during the holidays.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or let's say conflict just erupts. Like, shit hits the fan. Somebody loses their mind.

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Embrace Your Brave: And creates complete chaos, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: And when everything calms down, Everyone just pretends like nothing happened.

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Embrace Your Brave: It never gets talked about.

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Embrace Your Brave: Never gets discussed, never gets repaired, and we all just act like none of that just happened.

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Embrace Your Brave: Anybody?

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Embrace Your Brave: Or then there's the triangulation, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: The family member's kind of dragging you into their side of things, or into alliances.

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Embrace Your Brave: with that, right? Well, did you see so-and-so said this and that, and then we're triangulating, or people are trying to draw us into

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Embrace Your Brave: their side of things.

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Embrace Your Brave: And when you say no to that.

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Embrace Your Brave: Especially in our healing, when we're learning to say no, because we're learning to say no, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: And when you set boundaries.

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Embrace Your Brave: Then suddenly, you're the bad guy.

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Embrace Your Brave: Now you're the villain.

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Embrace Your Brave: Wow, Dawn.

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Embrace Your Brave: You've changed. You're not the same anymore.

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Embrace Your Brave: You're really selfish.

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Embrace Your Brave: And, like, You're ruining Christmas.

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Embrace Your Brave: Anybody… has anybody been told that before?

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Embrace Your Brave: Right? The one person that's actually saying no, and saying, no, I'm not gonna keep doing this anymore.

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Embrace Your Brave: You're the one that's ruining Christmas.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or how about this one?

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Embrace Your Brave: People just come dump all of their emotional baggage onto you.

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Embrace Your Brave: Right? They just tell you everything, they just dump all kinds of shit on you. And don't check on you. Nobody checks on you.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then when you go to protect yourself in that moment, then you get flooded with that guilt.

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Embrace Your Brave: And that guilt isn't just your conscience.

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Embrace Your Brave: That guilt is what we've been conditioned.

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Embrace Your Brave: to do.

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Embrace Your Brave: In that moment.

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Embrace Your Brave: But here's what we know about healing.

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Embrace Your Brave: Healing doesn't come from staying in those environments.

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Embrace Your Brave: It doesn't stay… it doesn't come from endurance, right? Or just enduring those things.

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Embrace Your Brave: Healing comes from learning to protect yourself.

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Embrace Your Brave: From having emotional boundaries.

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Embrace Your Brave: From lowering our expectations in those environments.

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Embrace Your Brave: And choosing safety over image.

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Embrace Your Brave: So boundaries in this moment can sound like, I'm not gonna talk about that.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or, I'm gonna be here for 2 hours, and then I'm leaving.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or, our family is changing that tradition this year.

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Embrace Your Brave: are simply… No.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or… No, thank you.

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Embrace Your Brave: And remember, boundaries are not punishments.

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Embrace Your Brave: Boundaries are how we love ourself and other people at the same time.

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Embrace Your Brave: And they're how we care for our nervous system.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, how do we protect our peace?

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Embrace Your Brave: During the holidays.

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Embrace Your Brave: This is one thing I had to really work on.

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Embrace Your Brave: Lower your expectations.

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Embrace Your Brave: Let's stop going into these situations expecting something to be different.

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Embrace Your Brave: And, and just release that hope.

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Embrace Your Brave: for change.

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Embrace Your Brave: Because it's kind of that hope.

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Embrace Your Brave: That keeps putting us right back in those situations where we continue to get hurt.

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Embrace Your Brave: And so, lowering our expectations can keep us from being hurt again.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then number two, limit your exposure.

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Embrace Your Brave: Arrive late, if you want. Leave early.

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Embrace Your Brave: And skip it altogether, if that's necessary.

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Embrace Your Brave: Limit your exposure. There's nothing that says you have to expose yourself to harm.

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Embrace Your Brave: No.

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Embrace Your Brave: You don't.

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Embrace Your Brave: Create your own thing. Create your own ritual, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: Have a chosen family. It's so okay to choose the family that you want to spend your holidays with, and that bring you joy and happiness.

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Embrace Your Brave: And sometimes, maybe that's just you, right? Just a quiet celebration. Whatever you need in that moment, you get to choose that.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then, of course, boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, with no explanation. No is a complete sentence.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then learn how to regulate yourself.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, do some breathing, do some grounding before you go into these environments, if you go into them.

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Embrace Your Brave: And then afterwards… Figure out what you need to release that emotional tension, right?

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Embrace Your Brave: Move around. Go for a walk. Rest.

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Embrace Your Brave: Choose what your healing needs to look like.

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Embrace Your Brave: And so, yeah, if this holiday season Like, increases your anxiety.

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Embrace Your Brave: It increases your depression.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or your panic. Or your emotional shutdown.

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Embrace Your Brave: Then take care of you, whatever that looks like.

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Embrace Your Brave: Okay? That's not, like, a willpower issue. It's a nervous system overwhelm that we need to start paying attention to, and we need to start taking care of it.

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Embrace Your Brave: Because loving ourself… Is taking care of ourself.

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Embrace Your Brave: And so, this time of year, that might mean… Schedule you a therapy appointment.

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Embrace Your Brave: And if you already see a therapist, schedule you some extra appointments. If that's what this season calls for, you do that.

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Embrace Your Brave: If your anxiety is through the roof.

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Embrace Your Brave: Then maybe that means you need to look into some medication.

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Embrace Your Brave: Medication is not failure, it's medical care for an overwhelmed system.

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Embrace Your Brave: You have to do what you need to do to take care of you.

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Embrace Your Brave: Okay.

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Embrace Your Brave: There's no shame in that.

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Embrace Your Brave: That's wisdom.

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Embrace Your Brave: You suffering unnecessarily is unnecessary. When we have things that help, let's use what helps.

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Embrace Your Brave: So, extra support doesn't mean that you're not healed. It means you're actually choosing yourself.

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Embrace Your Brave: And we celebrate that.

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Embrace Your Brave: So… Let's be gracious to ourself this holiday season.

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Embrace Your Brave: And healing can look like rest.

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Embrace Your Brave: It can look like tears.

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Embrace Your Brave: Right? Like I've said before, one minute we might be crying on the bathroom floor, and I'm telling you, this time of year, it's gonna happen.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's heavy. It's hard.

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Embrace Your Brave: We're grieving.

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Embrace Your Brave: And some days… some… in the next moment, it could be, we're dancing in the kitchen.

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Embrace Your Brave: screaming at the top of our lungs some Christmas song, right? And I encourage that, and that's human, and that's good.

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Embrace Your Brave: And it might also look like just some quiet, time.

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Embrace Your Brave: Sitting there looking at the Christmas tree, reading a good book.

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Embrace Your Brave: Being kind to yourself. What is it That you need.

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Embrace Your Brave: This Christmas.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's not about performance.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's about tenderness with you.

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Embrace Your Brave: So listen, if Christmas is heavy.

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Embrace Your Brave: Or the holiday season is heavy.

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Embrace Your Brave: You are not failing.

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Embrace Your Brave: You're reacting normally to an abnormal history.

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Embrace Your Brave: And you deserve support.

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Embrace Your Brave: And you deserve peace.

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Embrace Your Brave: So whether peace comes through your boundaries, or therapy, or medication, or quietness, or being with chosen family.

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Embrace Your Brave: You get to choose that.

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Embrace Your Brave: Your healing matters more than any holiday expectation.

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Embrace Your Brave: And choosing yourself is not abandoning others.

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Embrace Your Brave: It's coming home to yourself.

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Embrace Your Brave: Because you matter.

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Embrace Your Brave: And your healing matters, and your story matters, and your pain matters.

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Embrace Your Brave: In your dreams.

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Embrace Your Brave: And… You're not that girl anymore.