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Speaker 2: [00:00:00] Hey friends, welcome back to Not That Girl anymore. I'm your host, Dawn Boon, trauma therapist and coach and the founder here of Embrace Your Brave In today's conversation feels really special because both Ashley and Dottie are with us today, and they have bravely shared their stories here on the podcast, and the response has been so moving.

So many of you guys have reached out saying how much she related, how hearing their honesty and their courage has given you language for your own pain and reminded you that you're not alone. And that's really what this conversation is about today. It's the power of telling your story. The freedom and the boundaries that come with it.

Each of us, the three of us have a different story and a different path to healing, but we have the same [00:01:00] heartbeat, that honesty, that sense of authenticity, healing, and hope. And my hope is that as you listen, that you'll feel seen, encouraged, and reminded that your story matters too, because you matter.

So ladies, I'm so glad to have you here with me today. And I hope this becomes something that we do more often, because you two are just absolutely amazing and have amazing stories and just so much wisdom, and I'm super excited that we get to start sharing some of that with the world. So I think what I wanna do to just kind of get us started.

Today. 'cause I've been thinking about this, as I've been preparing this and it's the power of story. And, Brene Brown is one of my favorite people in the world. Someone that's been very inspiring to me and, and [00:02:00] her work with vulnerability and story. And one of the things she says is, when we deny our stories, they define us.

When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending. So that's the first thing. I wanna throw that out to you. What comes up for you when you hear that?

Speaker 3: Well, I know in my experience,

I didn't grow up believing that my story mattered or that I mattered, and I can remember entering [00:03:00] therapy and, walking into your office, Dawn and seeing the sign you matter, which it, it, that was such a profound thing for me to see right off the bat, because then I started thinking I matter.

You know, I have a life and a story that matters. That was really the foundation for everything that came after it. Because once I realized I mattered, once I realized that my story mattered and that I made sense in my own story mm-hmm. Then I could begin the process of healing all of the wounds, that I had experienced through childhood and, through life.

Mm-hmm. So realizing that how I grew up and how that affected who I, how I acted as an adult mm-hmm. [00:04:00] Explained so much to me and explained why I reacted the way I reacted, why I would become so unhealthily connected to people, realizing how. All of the conditioning I had received in my childhood and how I was told what my story was, instead of creating my own story, how that affected how I presented myself in the real world.

Mm-hmm. Now that I've learned and taken the pen back, like you say, I took my pen back and now I'm writing my own story. Mm-hmm. I mean that's just, that's the beautiful thing about, about healing. Mm. Right.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 3: Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 2: And I see you nodding your head, Ashley.

Speaker: Yeah. Like I feel like for me growing up it was, it was a lot of the same thing. It [00:05:00] was like my story, my role, who I was, was determined for me. You know, I was kind of placed into that role and kind of told who I was and I wasn't allowed to really even find out who that was.

Much less tell my own story and you know, kind of be honest about my own experience, my own, lived in experience. Mm-hmm. You know, and I feel like there's so much power and being able to be honest and being able to just tell people about your experiences as they happen to you.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Because that brings so much freedom and I feel like that awareness and that.

If you can bring awareness, right? Mm-hmm. To your situation, if you can like really just let [00:06:00] people know like, Hey, this happened to me. I thought it was normal. It wasn't normal, right? Other people can step out and have the courage to do the same and be like, wow. There's a lot of things that I grew up with too that I thought were normal, and I'm realizing that they're not normal either.

And so there's so much power in storytelling and in finding out what your story is and not the story that was handed to you that is scripted, that was, you know, based on performance or making certain people look good or whatever. But just that true, authentic version of this is what happened. Mm-hmm.

This is how it affected me, and this is what I'm doing about it now.

Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's like, you know, all of us came from systems that told us who we were, you know, like it told us [00:07:00] that this is what de defined us, and really prior to getting to ask those questions for our, for ourselves, then those things do define us.

We think, right? Like with some of the messages that come with that, because we're, like, Dottie said, we're just going throughout life and just giving people this pen and say, here you tell me who I am, right? Mm-hmm. You, you write my story here, and Brene is talking about when we own our story and to own your story.

You gotta know it. You know, you've gotta be willing to turn around and look back on it. And we live in a society that says, don't look back. We live in a society that says, oh look, that doesn't matter. Just forget that and just keep, keep going. Act like none of that ever happened. So it's counter-cultural.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. [00:08:00]

Speaker 2: Actually look back and see our story and realize that we do matter and we do make sense in our story, and that is what gets us in the place where we can write a brave new ending, like she says.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: In that quote. But like so much of life has told us that we don't get to do that, you know?

Mm-hmm. So much of life has told us, especially as women. We're not smart enough, or especially as women, like we're supposed to be what everyone else needs us to be. We're supposed to think how everyone else tells us to think. And so there's just so much power in this quote and the power of our story.

And it's also what connects us, right? Because at Embrace Your brave, what is the first thing in our quote of [00:09:00] Embrace Your Brave is behind every face is a story to be told. You know, is a voice to be heard is a soul to be healed and a dream to be discovered. And what I'm hearing you guys say, it was during your healing process that you realize that you had a story.

And now you're in this space where you're like, no, I wanna share my story. I realize I have to share my story. So how has speaking your story and your truth changed how you see yourself?

Speaker 3: What I find very interesting too about, our story being written for us for so long, even in the moments when no one was writing my story, I [00:10:00] was paralyzed because I didn't know how to write my own story. I was just waiting for somebody to hand me, where's the script? Where's the narrative?

So I wasn't taught that I could write my own. Mm-hmm. First it was the realization that I had one, and then when I started thinking about my story and my life as I grew up, realizing how much of my life I had outsourced to other people. Mm-hmm. Letting them determine my value, my worth, what I liked, what I wanted, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: That, you know, when I realized that I had outsourced all of that, oh my gosh, you know, that was like a Pandora's box just blowing wide open. And that's when I knew, like I have a lot of work to do. I have to find who I am.

Speaker 4: Yeah.

Speaker 3: You know, I'm [00:11:00] 62 years old.

I didn't really figure this out till I was 59. Hmm. And now I have to, first I have a story. It all made sense. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4: You know,

Speaker 3: I was able to make sense of how I got to where I was, and then I was able to start putting the pieces together. What does dot, like, what does dot want? What does dot need?

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: And you said it in the intro, is having the words, I didn't even have the words to express what I needed. Mm-hmm. Because I was just waiting for everyone else to tell me what that was. Having the words, I mean, that's life changing.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: Now have the words, what do I like, want, what do I believe?

Mm-hmm. You know? And. It has absolutely changed my life. 180 [00:12:00] degrees I was in, in two years. I feel like I've completely transformed my life and I really have a very good handle on who I am now.

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: So it's been a journey and, you know, it took a lot of work, but reclaiming my story, I am happier than I've been in a long time.

Mm-hmm. Because I know I'm showing up authentically and I'm showing up unapologetically me.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker 3: And when I do that, I feel empowered.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. You know,

Speaker 3: when you're not connected to yourself and you've outsourced yourself to everyone else, like the power is drained from you.

And you just live your life with like, like energy being sucked out of you. Mm-hmm. You know, and when you start living your own life, writing your own story, and you start feeling the energy that that [00:13:00] gives you, when you become aligned with yourself

Speaker 4: mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: That energy is profound.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. And it,

Speaker 3: it's, it changes you because now you feel alive.

Now what do I want to do that, you know, it opens up the whole world to you.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: Brightens the world. Everything's beautiful. Now you wanna smell the roses and go out and experience life. It's life changing.

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: When you write your own story and. Accept who you are and begin living your life the way you want to.

Speaker: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I've definitely realized, since I've, shared my story that there have been so many times in my life where, I've allowed other people to stop me from sharing or stop me from, being just authentic and being in tune with who I am as a [00:14:00] person.

Mm-hmm. You know, I've allowed people's criticism. I've allowed people's, you know, whatever, you know, scare tactics, threats, or whatever it might be, just allow me to not share and not be honest. And not be open and not let people know who I am. It's stolen so much authenticity from me for so long that I feel like I'm at the point now where I'm basically unstoppable.

Speaker 2: Oh hell yeah.

Speaker: Like I'm just like, I don't like, it doesn't really matter. You know, like mm-hmm Those, and I've learned that you know the people who are for you and love you and truly support you will always support whenever you are in your best self.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: When you are at your highest self. Right. When you're [00:15:00] like the most authentic, the most in tune with who you are, those people that are aligned with you and that truly love you and support you, the real you are gonna be the ones who are.

Gonna be supporting you and loving you and being, like, appreciating the real you. Mm-hmm. That's one thing I'm, I'm like really coming into terms with, and just, you know, being able to share my story has shown me there's been so much love and so much support and so many people who have just been like, wow, like, you know, I had no idea.

And, people who are just like, I'm so proud of you. Like, you're so strong. Like, your story's so amazing and, you know, all of these things. And so I'm just so thankful for all of those people. And I feel when you do step into your story and when you do step into your authenticity, like it does show you a lot.

It shows you people's cards. Mm-hmm. You [00:16:00] know, and it really shows you who's willing to heal and who's willing to, you know. Go into this next chapter with you and who's not. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that's, and that's sometimes the hardest part, because you do lose friends as you heal. You lose people along the way.

But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make because I'm no longer willing to sacrifice myself anymore. Because that cost is too damn high.

Speaker 2: Because in order to survive, we had to lose ourself in order to, figure out how to survive the environments that we came from. We abandoned us.

And healing is so much about reconnecting with ourselves, reconnecting with that little girl that. Experience that. And [00:17:00] it's like that deep, deep work of truly learning to love you. When you really do that deep work, where you really go back and see that girl, know that girl, love that girl, and you know your worth in your value.

And we don't negotiate that with anyone ever again. I think that is when we become unstoppable, like you just said. And then we get that fierceness about us, where we're gonna let this little girl speak, we're going to clear the space and say, absolutely not. This is her spot, this is her seat at the table.

She gets to take up space here, and we become like the fierce protectors of her. Like we've done for everyone else in our life. Because up until this point [00:18:00] we lived for everybody else. Okay, who do you need me to be? And I'll be that, like you said, it's costed us ourselves.

And what I know is true for all three of us is we are not willing to pay that cost any more,

Speaker 4: yes,

Speaker 2: that is the bondage, right? And it's like, okay, like I matter. And that's the shift. That's the shift that you talked about, dotie. That's the shift. I matter, my story matters. My pain matters.

And that shift is, I think what gets us to that place where we're like, okay, well since that is true, that impacts how I live every day. That impacts how I show up in this world, that impacts how I show up to this conversation, you know? And that's what I've seen happen with both of you and what I've seen happen within [00:19:00] myself.

And I hear that like fierceness in your voice. And Ashley, you just shared your story so bravely on the podcast so vulnerably. So, you know, just with so much tenderness and grace, but honesty, right? Not just grace, but truth, you know? Mm-hmm.

What have you noticed, you know, within yourself, within your body, within just your life in general, since sharing your story very publicly and just the last, couple weeks.

Speaker: I mean, it's been exhilarating. I feel, all of the support, all of the encouragement, all of the people that I've just shared and been like, Hey, I had no idea, or, wow, I can't believe it, or, whatever.

And just people being like, this is just amazing. [00:20:00] And it's been so encouraging to hear how many people have learned so much and just been like, wow, I had no idea you had been through any of that. And that's a lot of what I hear when I do tell people my story.

I had no idea you had been through any of that. You don't seem, you seem like you've. I wouldn't have gone through any of that, you know, and it's really just a testament of, God's grace on my life and just being able to, yeah, just God's grace on my life, you know, because I don't think I could have gone through any of that without it.

But, and there's also been some negative, negative, feedback as well, you know?

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Of just different things. But even that still, it just lets me know, like I'm going in the right direction. Mm-hmm. You know, and my story isn't going anywhere. This is what I wanna do. And I feel like the more I'm stepping out into this, and the [00:21:00] more I'm sharing, the more I'm being open about these things and the things that it's taught me and the things that I've learned along the way, I feel like the more I feel aligned with.

What I'm supposed to be doing right now and who I am and, yeah. So I, yeah, it's, it's been a mix of emotions. It's been a whirlwind, but it's overall, I feel, I feel encouraged and I feel empowered and I feel like, you know, this is what I'm supposed to do and I'm gonna continue to do it. And so, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: Have you noticed, any difference in your body or in your feeling? Like, did it feel like you lifted a weight off of you, or how has that been?

Speaker: Yes, so it's been very interesting to see how my body has responded because I feel like there was this tension just released, you know, I think from years of just.

Not being able to tell my story and kind of keeping all [00:22:00] those secrets and keeping all of that in. And a big part of my healing has been being able to tell my story.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. Being able

Speaker: to be honest. And so I think just being able to release that as like, I felt the tension in my jaw has like been less, like my stomach feels better and it's so weird because it just doesn't make any sense.

Right. But I'm like, it does at the same time. 'cause I'm like, that's, this is a part of my healing. A part of my healing has been telling my story, being honest, being open about the things that I've been through because I've had to hide them. I've had to help cover them up for so long. And so a big part of that healing has been just no longer.

No longer participating in the hiding and the pretending or minimizing or whatever, but just being honest about, this is what I've been through, this is what has happened to me, and it's been really beautiful, you know, to share that and to be able to experience how that's setting me free and really showing me [00:23:00] that.

I've gotten a lot of healing along the way. There's still more to go, but I, I've gotten so much healing and I don't give myself enough credit for that, you know?

Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker 2: That's all you sis. That's all you. No one can heal for you. No. Only you can do that, you know.

Speaker 3: I'm just gonna say I think that's proof, you know, when you say how, you feel better physically, you know, your stomach and your jaw, all of that, that's just proof that, and Dawn repeats this quite a bit, is that trauma, you know, correct me if I get it wrong, but mm-hmm. Trauma isn't what happened to you, it's what happened inside of you.

Yes. Mm-hmm. And when you can name the trauma mm-hmm. Because you gotta feel it, to heal it. Mm-hmm. You know? Yes. So when you can [00:24:00] name that trauma, feel it, process it, go through it, then yes, our body can release all of that tension that causes our jaw to tighten up or, you know, stomach issues and, and all of those things.

So that's really proof of where trauma is stored. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: Absolutely. Gabor says, the body says what the mouth cannot. Right. Like, we don't realize that we're holding all of that in our body. And honestly, I think for me, I got like frozen shoulder. Frozen shoulder was one of the first things that like, was like a little slap in the face of like, girl, you better wake up.

Because it was like so much that I was just holding onto, and I think so much of what I was shutting down within myself, because it was, it was really like so much inside of me that I wanted to talk about and I wanted to do, and I wanted to [00:25:00] be, but I lived in a system where it wasn't allowed.

I lived in a system where there was a lot of haters against that mindset, you know, of vulnerability or actually shedding light on the truth versus. Covering it up, like you said, Ashley, like we've been so conditioned to be loyal, to protect the people that are harming us versus, you know, given ourselves the freedom to be seen and known and loved.

And there's such a cost to that. And I think that's one of the things we're, we're realizing is we hold that in our body. Like when people come sit on my couch when they first come in, I can see the shoulders race, you know, I can see the tightness there. And I'm just like, okay. Like there's a lot that we're [00:26:00] holding onto and we don't recognize how everything is so interconnected.

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: Right. Our body is always communicating to us, but when we learn to abandon ourselves. Back in the earlier days, in order to survive, we cut ourselves off from that communication from our body too. Right? And so what we're doing now is as we are re reconnecting with ourselves, reconnecting with our emotions, reconnecting with our body, right?

Then it's getting to tell us what it's always been trying to tell us. It's just now we're awake and we can hear it, and now I can actually relax. So it's so interesting when you, you know, when you finally are able to give voice to your story, how your body is like breathing this big sigh of relief. Like, oh, oh yeah, okay, nice.

You [00:27:00] know? Mm-hmm. And what's that been like for you too, Dottie? I'm just curious since you, uh,

Speaker 3: have also Well, yeah. For me, so much of what Ashley just said resonated in that such a weight as I healed, through therapy and through my own work, that weight began to lift off.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: You just felt freer. It was, it's almost unexplainable, you know, it was just a sense of freedom. As I became free and realized this is possible, this healing is possible. We don't have to live on a hamster wheel. We don't have to live Groundhog Day.

We can heal and move forward. And when I realized that, and. Started feeling all of those weights being lifted as I found myself, which I say that that is the gift that therapy gave me was the gift of myself was finding myself. So [00:28:00] when I was able to share some of my story on the podcast mm-hmm.

It gave me even more wings. I, you know, healed, it just empowered me.

And like Ashley feeling this feeling, I want everyone to feel it. Mm-hmm. It's like, I wanna give this away. Mm-hmm. That's how profound and how complete a change it was. And like, Ashley, people would've never known.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: As I'm going out now and telling my story of how now I'm myself and I know who I am.

And they're like, well, you always did. You always had it together, yeah. 'cause that's what I wanted you to see. Mm-hmm. But what you didn't see, even though I probably, gave some clue to some people

Speaker 4: mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: That, that I was dying inside. Nobody ever acknowledged it. Mm-hmm. You know? So I just kept dying inside.

Yeah. [00:29:00] And put on a facade and people saw what I wanted them to see. And as a child, I became very good at looking perfect. Mm-hmm. Because that's how I earned love. Mm-hmm. You know, growing up in my household, being perfect to me was love. So I put on that face every morning. But, you know, now I really haven't changed that much on the outside, but the inside is just so different.

Mm. Every move I make and every table I sit at, I sit at from a different posture.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: So it's like you're fully alive. It's like you're fully present and just excited about life. You know, like there's just been this shift.

Of like, not, just how do we survive this thing, but how do we [00:30:00] actually fully live it?

Speaker 4: Yeah.

Speaker 2: How do we experience it and how do we show up in the world in a way that brings healing to the world?

Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. Yes. And I do, I wanna give it away. I want everyone to know it's possible, because it's just been that life changing and life giving.

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: Yeah. The story is what connects us, right? And so when you guys open up and share your story like this, it gives other people permission to do the same thing. It gets them thinking, well, I wonder what my story is, and I wonder, you know, maybe my story matters too.

Right. And I find that to be, really, really true. Like when we start speaking up and telling the truth, then we start getting those, oh, like, me too, you know, like, I was afraid to say that, but since you said that, [00:31:00] I can really relate to that. And we may not realize this, that it may be us that's starting the conversations, right?

It might be us first that's saying, Hey, this is what I'm learning. This is what I'm realizing, and this is my story. And it invites other people into that space. Brene Brown says, owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do. And that's what I'm hearing you guys.

Say, you know, it's almost like, how did we get so far from this? Like, why did they lie to us? Like, why didn't they tell us that the power is actually in our own hands? We just didn't know it. Right. All that got stripped away because life [00:32:00] happened and life hurt us to the point where we couldn't see who we were anymore.

And now as we're healing these things, now we're seeing, oh wait, this is actually who Leigh is and who she's always been, and we're just like clearing the space now for her to shine. Mm-hmm. For her to thrive for her, you know? And that, that's the process of that has to begin with us getting to know ourselves.

How can we be known in the world if we don't know ourselves first? And then we carry that message with us. As we go into life and see stories behind faces, we look at people differently. You know, we, we, we live in a way that gives other people a voice because we know how important it is. When we [00:33:00] didn't get one, it changes how we live, right?

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: I mean that's so important. And you know, I listen to, uh, part two of Ashley's story, and she talked about, how when she moved from the states to Micronesia or wherever it was you moved, how you were taken out of. This world and put into another world. And that, was such a profound statement because while you did that physically, I feel like if we would do that,

for each other, like step out of our world mm-hmm. And put ourselves into other people's worlds mm-hmm. And try to see things from their perspective, from their story, how they see things and not bring our own conditioning and our own thoughts and opinions [00:34:00] into their story and just see them for who they are.

Mm-hmm. You know, how freeing is that for the other people because now we can. Validate these people, we can validate how they feel. We can validate what they've been through. We can validate that they have their own story mm-hmm. To tell. Mm-hmm. And I don't need to interject mine into it.

Mm-hmm. I don't need to. Mm-hmm. That's their story. They make sense in it. So now let me validate it. And now what we have is collaboration, what we have or people coming together rather than being pulled apart because our stories aren't the same, which they're not going to be. Mm-hmm. You know, we have to stop trying to put everybody into the same box because the box isn't [00:35:00] big enough for everybody.

Yeah.

Speaker: You're absolutely right, Dottie. And it's just, you can have two siblings in the same family who have different experiences. Oh. And they can experience a different version of that parent, right? Mm-hmm. Like, I saw this video the other day, and it was talking about how two siblings can experience two different versions of a parent because of who they played their roles.

You know, if they were a golden child, they experienced a different version mm-hmm. Of that parent than the scapegoat, you know, and vice versa. And I think that's also why it's so important for us to really get in touch with our own stories. Because I think it's really hard for other people to get in touch with someone else's story if they're not in touch with their own.

Speaker 2: Absolutely. Yes.

Speaker: You know, and, and it's like if you can really. It's just like if you're in touch with your feelings, you know, if you're in touch with who you are, then you can better be in touch with other people's feelings, right? Mm-hmm. Like, if you're just busy ignoring your own feelings, you're not [00:36:00] gonna go and tend to everyone else's feelings.

You're gonna ignore theirs too, because it's gonna be too uncomfortable, because you can't deal with your own. And so it's the same with your story, you know? If you can be in touch with your story and who you are, and you know your beliefs, your everything, then you can also understand someone else's story, someone else's beliefs, why someone else would choose, to believe the things that they believe.

Because life is not black and white, right? There's no right or wrong answers. For how we believe or our stories or how we came to a conclusion. It's like there's so many nuances and gray areas it's like you make sense in your story.

Speaker 4: Yeah.

Speaker: And it's like, it makes sense.

If we can hear people's stories with that empathy and with that understanding of knowing, like that makes a lot of sense for them considering what they went [00:37:00] through, like their beliefs and the way that they're choosing to heal. It makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Because that is healing for them.

And it might not be the same as my story, but that's okay. Because my needs, my wants, you know, which is again, getting back in touch with my story, my needs, my wants mm-hmm. Is makes sense to me. And so someone, it makes sense that somebody else's story, somebody else's needs and wants and healing might look a little different too.

Speaker 2: Yeah, and I heard, someone say one time like, it's impossible to hear someone's story and not love them. You know, like it doesn't really matter necessarily who the person is. Like if you take the time to know the story, right. Even people that maybe even harm us, like there's a sense of like, they [00:38:00] didn't just wake up and get there.

They make sense in their story and there's a compassion that we can have recognizing that at some point in their life, they didn't get what they needed, you know? Mm-hmm. Um. But then there's also the both end of that of like, yes, it makes sense. Yes, we can have compassion and it's not okay. Right? And it's not okay for you to just continue harming even though you were harmed, you know?

But there is kind of this widening of understanding when we take the time to know people's stories. And like, I, I remember when I first started therapy myself, it blew me away that my therapist wanted to know my story, you know? And there was something deep that happened about my story [00:39:00] mattering to her, and then it made it to start mattering to me.

What's that feeling that you have? Acceptance.

Speaker 3: Yeah. It was acceptance and it was finally not feeling rejected.

Speaker 4: Wow.

Speaker 3: You know, so from not feeling rejected to feeling accepted, those are, you know, they're on the opposite end of the spectrum.

So it begins, that's where the power starts. That's where you start beginning to feel empowered.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: When you realize my story matters. Mm-hmm. And somebody wants to know that story. Mm-hmm. And, you know, in therapy saying parts of my story that I had never told anyone else. Mm. And the answer I got was.

That's [00:40:00] beautiful. That makes sense. I didn't get, oh, you crazy. You, you know, we need to commit you. No. And it made me realize that I'm okay.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: I'm okay. Yes. So, man, it when I realized I mattered and that somebody was asking that and somebody finally told me that they were proud of me, and I I heard it.

Mm. I heard it. I, I'm sure people told me they were proud of me before. Mm. But I never believed it because I didn't believe I mattered.

Speaker 4: Yeah.

Speaker 3: That's what I say when I'm saying that, learning and hearing that I mattered and believing that was definitely the foundation

Speaker 4: for

Speaker 3: everything else that came after.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: Yeah. You know? And because now I can, when I hear, I'm proud of you. I hear it. I don't have this armor that's just blocking everything, you know? I couldn't accept any, what's the word? Praise, [00:41:00] yes. I couldn't accept any of that because I just didn't feel worthy of it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So we don't feel worthy. We put all this armor on us and it just bounces off. Mm-hmm. But once you get it, I matter. And I matter just because I'm human.

Mm-hmm. I don't have to do anything else. Mm-hmm. I don't have to be anyone else. Mm-hmm. I'm, I'm human, so I matter and yeah. That the springboard to really living life. You know, and for me, I managed life. I didn't live it. I was managing it and it was exhausting.

Mm-hmm. Exhausting it. It took everything out of me. I had no energy. And now that I'm living life, it's like there's so much energy. Mm-hmm. What are we doing? What are we doing tomorrow? Mm-hmm. What are we doing? Let's go.

Speaker: [00:42:00] Yeah. And I love that, Dottie. I feel like I can resonate with a lot of what Dottie said because I had my own sense of armor, you know, that I was blocking off all the good stuff that people would tell me or say to me,

Speaker 4: you know,

Speaker: out of fear of becoming, you know.

Cocky or arrogant or whatever. But for me, being able to go into therapy, having my story heard, I feel like it would felt so validating. It felt so just like, and, and it was so refreshing

Speaker 4: because

Speaker: I was just like, okay, like what I went through wasn't normal. And this feeling that I've felt my whole life that was just repressed has really just been like able to, to be felt, you know?

And just able to be finally seen that, like, [00:43:00] that really hurt, that really, that was really traumatic, you know? And being, then being able to put words to what I experienced. 'cause that's another thing too, is as you, as your story gets heard, and as you. You go through all of this, this journey, you start to educate yourself on what toxic, you know, toxic traits, toxic all the, all the different things that you've been through.

You start to learn more and then you have words for it. And then you have a language to explain what happened to you and how it affected you. Because once you start looking those things up, you'll see the side effects of it. You'll see the symptoms of it, you'll see all those things. And then it's just like you have this big aha moment where you're like, so that's why I feel this way.

Yes. So that's why my body feels [00:44:00] this way. Mm. So that's why I react the way I do in certain situations. Mm-hmm. And it just helps you.

Yeah, it's just very validating.

Speaker 2: Yeah. And it's like being, witnessed a lot of times what hurts so bad is not even that we're, the, the hurt of it or the pain of it is that we're alone in it, you know? So there's something really healing about not being alone in your story anymore.

People actually witnessing that, caring about it and removing that aloneness, and that's kind of the opportunity we get when we share our story and we let other people actually be a part of that. Mm-hmm. Um, I have this quote, [00:45:00] every time a woman tells her story, she creates space for another woman to breathe.

And, you know, I'm sure we've experienced that when we've been on the other side of a story, but now we also get to be a part of creating that, that space for more women to breathe and creating that safety for people to be known, you know? Mm-hmm. I wanna hear from you, if there's people out there right now that are, that are thinking, I wonder if, you know, this is what I should start looking at, like, looking at my story or maybe opening up and telling my, my story or still scared of that concept like.

What would you wanna to say to a woman like that?

Speaker: I think I would say find your safe people, [00:46:00] you know? Yeah. 'Cause if you wanna start telling your story and you feel like you haven't been able to tell your story, it's probably because you're not around safe people.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: And so, I would say find your safe people,

And find the people that make you feel good.

You know, the people that bring out the best in you, the people that you feel the most authentic with. 'Cause those are your people. You don't tell, you know, your abusers or the people who are a part of the dysfunctional cycle. You don't tell those people, you know, those aren't the safe people.

The safe people are the ones that will let you tell your story. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4: And

Speaker: they're the ones that will say like, I'm so sorry you went through that. And they won't minimize it or, you know, tell you that's normal or, you know, whatever in my, but the people who are just like, [00:47:00] wow, like I can't believe that happened to you and I'm so sorry that happened to you, because those are your safe people and those are your people that you wanna continue to tell your story.

And I feel like as the more and more you get around those people and you realize that it's safe to tell your story. And that you don't have to hide anymore. You don't have to hide your trauma or your pain.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: The more you're gonna step out into your healing and the more you're gonna be able to really face your own story.

Because if you're constantly feeling like you have to hide parts of yourself, or you have to hide your story, or you have to, hide how you feel about your story, then you are never gonna be able to heal. So I would say the first step would be find your safe people.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. Um,

Speaker: and, and let people show you who they are.

Yeah. You know, stop expecting the best. That was what I did for so [00:48:00] long. I would just give people the benefit of the doubt and they would just, you know, just be hurtful over and over again, or just make me feel so small and so invalidated and so just, you know, like I was being dramatic or whatever. Mm-hmm.

Those weren't my people, but I kept, I think there was a part of me that wanted those people to validate my story because they were a big part of causing the trauma as well.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: So it's like that's not where you're gonna find your healing. You are not gonna find it. The same place that hurt you is not gonna be the place that healed you.

Mm-hmm. So I would say the biggest thing is protecting yourself, finding you safe people. Mm-hmm. And allowing those people to love you.

Speaker 2: Yeah. You're bringing up such a good point, Ash. Not everybody deserves your story.

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: [00:49:00] Right. Not everyone is safe. And especially for people like us that are a little bit more trusting than we should be a little bit more.

You're just thinking the best of everyone. We've been burned a lot by that kind of thinking. Mm-hmm. So, so learning who your safe people are. But then an another aspect of that is like, I, if we're still speaking from the wound, right, like that space where we are so hurting so bad, like it still feels, it's just like, very much like a, a gaping wound.

That's where it's not healed. So that's where we wanna take that to the place where we can actually heal that, where I would say see a therapist or see someone that's trained in helping you heal trauma.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: Because when we take those wounded spots to someone who's not safe, then they're getting to tell [00:50:00] us what this means.

Versus us already knowing what that means. We've already integrated and now we understand that. And now we can share our story from the scar. Not the wound. And that is just a really good point to bring up because safety is so important. Mm-hmm. And recognizing safe people, like you said, Ashley.

Really important.

Speaker: Yeah. And I feel like it can help, it's so helpful to have a therapist because they can help you identify those safe people.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Because sometimes when you're so close to someone or to something or to a situation, you can't quite see it for what it is, especially if you've been kind of conditioned to be a certain way.

And so I think kind of having someone who's on the outside. Looking in, it's kind of like a fresh pair of eyes that can show [00:51:00] you things and really point out things that you didn't quite see yourself. And it can be scary at first 'cause you're kind of like, what? Like, you know, that's, I trust them.

And, but at the same time it's like they can help you to see like, no, these people, like this is really harmful, what they're doing. And then you can choose what to do with that. You can confront it and see if that person responds or you can decide what you wanna do with that after that.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: But I think a fresh pair of eyes on your situation is always a good move.

Speaker 3: And, and I think just to, to add to that, you know, after you're finding the safe people, especially if I'm talking to someone who's scared to tell their story, is to first off say that's normal. You know, it's normal to be scared and

you're never not gonna be scared, [00:52:00] you know? Mm-hmm. So share it anyway. You know, share it scared. Mm. And like Ashley said, that when you do share your story, you're going to find your people, because you're gonna find the people who are gonna support you mm-hmm. And not judge you. Mm-hmm. And you'll know who your safe people are. And through my therapy process, I really was able to find what served me and the people that served me. And

Speaker 4: you know,

Speaker 3: when I started letting people and things go, that didn't really serve me or that sucked the life out of me, it opened up the time,

for me to be able to accept other people in who really did serve me. And 'cause I kept trying to make all of the people who are already in my life, fit in my life. I wanted them to serve me. I wanted, to be happy with [00:53:00] them. But we were not aligned. Mm-hmm. You know, we were not aligned.

And it's not easy because your circle is gonna get smaller, but the quality of the people and the quality of the time that you spend with these people, will more than make up for what you're losing because really you're not losing anything.

You're gaining. 'cause you're gaining what you want. You're gaining your own needs and your own wants and you're having people who are aligned with that.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3: Yeah. I would tell them it's to, you're gonna be scared. That's normal. Do it anyway. You'll find your people. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: And I would say you're worth it.

I would say you're worth whatever it takes for you to heal. You know? That is a fight [00:54:00] worth fighting we only get one life, and if we're not living it, then we're not living. My hope is that in sharing our story and putting our brave on and our vulnerability on it encourages other women, other people, that you do matter and you can heal.

Your story matters. And we need your story. You uniquely are needed in this world. Like you, uniquely your purpose, your vision, your dream. If we're not living that, then we're all missing out. That's something that only you can bring to the table and only you can bring to the world.

I'm inviting you to do whatever it takes to be able to, to live fully and show up fully in this world because [00:55:00] you matter and we need you. So ladies, we're gonna wrap this thing up, but I wanna just kind of give you opportunity for anything else that maybe popped up that you didn't get to say, you just wanna leave us with before we, before we go anything else?

Speaker 3: I mean, owning your story, owning your seat at the table, reclaiming your voice, taking the pen back is all very brave and courageous steps. So I just encourage everyone to embrace your brave.

Speaker 4: Yes.

Speaker: I love it. Yeah, I totally agree, Dottie, and I think, what we're doing is really brave, and what the listener is gonna be doing if they decide to do this as well is gonna be very [00:56:00] brave.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: And I think it takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of guts.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. You know,

Speaker: to just be able to be real and connect back with who you are and to do this work because I feel like that's so, it's so underrated and it's so misunderstood.

'Cause I know when I started. If I would've heard these things, I would've been like, what the hell are they talking about? You know?

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker: And now that I'm doing it and I'm stepping into it, I've done it for a while now, it's like I understand what these things mean and they are so incredibly valuable.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: It's like you can't put a price tag on just the getting back in touch with yourself and becoming the most authentic and healing yourself. Like there is no price tag on giving that to yourself. And like [00:57:00] Dawn says, you are worth it. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being, here with us today.

Ladies, I love, your wisdom. I love your heart. I love everything about you, and I'm so grateful that you've been willing to join me today. I love conversations just like this because they remind us that healing isn't about becoming someone new. It's about remembering who we've always been when we tell our stories, when we reclaim our voice, when we set boundaries and we protect our peace.

Every time we speak, we create space for another woman to breathe a little easier and to know that she's not alone. So, wherever you are in your journey, I hope you hear this loud and clear, and you will, if you stick around here, you matter. Your story matters. Your healing matters. The world is a little more [00:58:00] whole every time you live.

Like that's true.

I.