[SPEAKER_00]: Over the years, I've realized that a lot of financial stress that I've been carrying in my life has been tied to my romantic relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've always had this provider mentality, giving my time, my energy, my money, because I thought that's how you showed someone that you care.

[SPEAKER_00]: If I had it, I felt like I needed to share it.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if I didn't share what I had, I would feel guilty if that grown man went without.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've been in relationships where I was the one covering the bills, the dinners, the trips, basically keeping all things afloat.

[SPEAKER_00]: And essentially, I was wearing the pants in that relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: That mindset didn't just disappear once those relationships ended.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's something that I've had to unpack over time because even now, in dating, the old habit can creep back in and create stress that I just don't need.

[SPEAKER_00]: and learning to recognize it and separate my worth from my wallet has been hard, but it has been key.

[SPEAKER_00]: Supporting someone financially doesn't make me a better partner, and not being a provider doesn't make me selfish.

[SPEAKER_00]: It actually makes me human.

[SPEAKER_00]: It helps me live in my feminine energy, and it keeps me sane.

[SPEAKER_00]: You days are as powerful as I am.

[SPEAKER_00]: What is going on beautiful people?

[SPEAKER_00]: You are listening to the affirmations for Black Girls Podcasts.

[SPEAKER_00]: We focus on personal growth and cultivating a healthy relationship with ourselves.

[SPEAKER_00]: I am your host, Tyra, the creative actress, content creator and mental health enthusiast.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you guys, this is a video episode.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you are not watching on YouTube channel if you're watching on your favorite listening platform, hello, hey, how are you doing?

[SPEAKER_00]: You can't go watch us on YouTube if that's something that you think you would like.

[SPEAKER_00]: But, anyways, let's go ahead and jump in.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really think it's funny how moments like this remind you that money isn't just numbers.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's actually tied to how we live, how we love, and how we show up for the people that we care about.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I have been there pouring love and time and dollars into situations that didn't serve me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it took a toll, a huge toll, honestly.

[SPEAKER_00]: But one thing's for show.

[SPEAKER_00]: It won't hold me hostage anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, before we go ahead and jump into all of the things that I wanted to discuss with you guys today, we're going to jump into our affirmation of the week.

[SPEAKER_00]: This week's affirmation is I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's go ahead and drop in, y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: I make [SPEAKER_00]: Financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: What does it look like to support your own well-being financially?

[SPEAKER_00]: Are there some things that you should give up?

[SPEAKER_00]: Are there some things that you should start doing?

[SPEAKER_00]: I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: What financial choices have you been trying to make for a long time?

[SPEAKER_00]: As we think about this, let's say it one more time together.

[SPEAKER_00]: I make financial choices that support my goals and well-being.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, this one is a doozy, y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: It is truly a doozy.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, [SPEAKER_00]: This affirmation is the epitome of what it's really about, making choices that serve you in your future and not just reacting to old habits or pressures from the past.

[SPEAKER_00]: The choices that you make can work for you, not against you.

[SPEAKER_00]: But before we can start making those empowered financial moves, we have to take a look at the stress and patterns that we've been carrying all this time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we've been carrying stuff without even realizing it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, let's unpack that and get clear on what's been weighing us down so we can finally let it go.

[SPEAKER_00]: Before we can release financial baggage, we've got to admit that it's actually there.

[SPEAKER_00]: Money stress is emotional y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's sleepless nights over past, do notices that lumping your throat over the overdraft fees and the shame of spending money that you will never get back.

[SPEAKER_00]: Over the years, I've realized that money stress isn't always about wishing your bank account, it's emotional.

[SPEAKER_00]: So think about all the times that you have pay for things, let money, or feel guilt around money.

[SPEAKER_00]: All of that stuff adds up, and it can attribute to the financial stress that you have been feeling.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think the biggest reason why I have felt a lot of financial stress is because early on growing up, I've always been good at making money and I've always been in a position where I have felt very secure around having money and I think that security, [SPEAKER_00]: is something that in romantic relationship, I used as a tool to show that I loved someone.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think a lot of times in my past relationships, it became more of a weakness.

[SPEAKER_00]: Innocence of, I felt like I was taking advantage of, sometimes, and I felt like no matter how I showed up in those relationships, I still wasn't treated the way [SPEAKER_00]: because I was taking care of things that traditionally that a man should take care of.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the biggest lesson out of all of that that I learned is just because I got it, don't mean I need to give it to that man.

[SPEAKER_00]: And now I'm not gonna make any like blanket.

[SPEAKER_00]: generalizations or anything.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is just based on my personal experience, but it gets stressful.

[SPEAKER_00]: I am currently 31 years old and I touched on this in a previous episode, but I've been in relationships where I have been the bear winner and I have worn the pants.

[SPEAKER_00]: And out of the kindness of my heart, I would take care of things because I had it.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had it to give.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had it to help both of us out.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I never really felt [SPEAKER_00]: appreciated after I gave X, Y, and Z in those relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: And after years of not feeling appreciated, resentment started to set in.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I could see that in a lot of [SPEAKER_00]: the incidents as they happen in one particular relationship that I'm talking about.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I have a few relationships that I definitely want to dive in to today, but I think is very important that we bring light to whatever that stress is that we have been carrying because money stress can linger.

[SPEAKER_00]: Even after the situation is gone, I will even say like, because I was talking to the friend, this was probably like, [SPEAKER_00]: a few months ago now, but the relationship that I was referring to has been over with like five years.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, that man owes me so much money.

[SPEAKER_00]: and it pisses me off to even think about it.

[SPEAKER_00]: And while I'm halfway joking, I'm also halfway serious.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that just means that I shouldn't have been given what I was given because if I'm going to feel the way that I feel, I shouldn't have been given it in the first place.

[SPEAKER_00]: But on the flip side of that, I was giving it from a place of all we're in this together, and eventually he's going to pull his weight.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just tell you right now that weight had never been pulled on his side, okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: But we'll dive into that a little bit later, but I just want you guys to ask yourself if you've ever been in a situation where especially if you're a woman and you've been the rare winner.

[SPEAKER_00]: What weight am I carrying that should not be mine that I should not be carrying anymore?

[SPEAKER_00]: What is that?

[SPEAKER_00]: Are you taking care of people that you shouldn't be taking care of?

[SPEAKER_00]: Are you making space in your wallet and in your finances for people that don't deserve to have that space being made for them?

[SPEAKER_00]: Are you making space for people in your finances to your own detriment?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because you shouldn't be doing that either.

[SPEAKER_00]: We need to make sure that we are making financial choices that reflect our goals and our well-being as well.

[SPEAKER_00]: As a woman, I have poured so much time, money, and love into people who quite frankly.

[SPEAKER_00]: didn't deserve it and or didn't know what to do with that love.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't even realize how much it was weighing on me financially until I took a step back.

[SPEAKER_00]: I remember I was talking to my friend Priya.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: This was a while ago now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I have these spurts of time when I'm just like, huh, you know what this is better.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I was saying this to her.

[SPEAKER_00]: This was a while ago.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, I have never had so much money in my pocket and I think it's because I'm single.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when I said that I was like, that is crazy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really be spending money on these men.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really be spending money on these men.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's never from a place of, oh, I need to impress them.

[SPEAKER_00]: They've always needed to help in hand.

[SPEAKER_00]: They have always made less money than me.

[SPEAKER_00]: They have always had times where they were in a position to ask me for money.

[SPEAKER_00]: And since I've been single now for what three years, three years almost, [SPEAKER_00]: it's just been so freeing and I've just been able to see since I've had to take a step back because I'm not in relationship and I'm still doing good for myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh, wow.

[SPEAKER_00]: All of this money that I'm now spending on getting my hair done or new equipment or trips used to go to me taking care of a grown man, different grown men, and [SPEAKER_00]: I do believe that my heart was always in the right place, but since I grew up in my mama and daddy really instilled in me that money comes money goes, you can make more money.

[SPEAKER_00]: I never really viewed it as, oh, I shouldn't be giving as much as I am to this man.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm a kind of bitch for y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let me take a squeak of my selfie as far as.

[SPEAKER_00]: So as always, I'll be telling you about the guy that I moved to LA with.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to call him the Mooture today.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've told you how this before, but when I was in a relationship with this Mooture guy, we moved to LA together, but before that, I must start at the beginning of the story.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because I know that there are other women out here who have done this and who have been in these types of situations.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, from the beginning, I met this guy, I was at Howard University for something.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was seeing one of my NEOs down there, as you guys know, I am Greek, I am, I'm a Delta.

[SPEAKER_00]: But anyways, I was seeing one of my NEOs out there and I met this guy through some mutual friends.

[SPEAKER_00]: He asked me for my number, long story short, we started dating.

[SPEAKER_00]: Shortly after that, I mentioned that I was moving to Los Angeles.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, oh, I'll move to Los Angeles too.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, OK, so I get graduated from culinary school.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is in 2017, graduate from culinary school.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, well, OK, boss moved to LA, but I'm going to go home first.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I probably say, you can come with me, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Don't know why I said that long story short, this boy moves into my grandparents' house.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're only there for three months and I knew it was going to be a short stint of time.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're there for three months.

[SPEAKER_00]: My grandparents are feeding him.

[SPEAKER_00]: They are washing his clothes.

[SPEAKER_00]: That my, you just as a girl, man, that is four years older than me, by the way.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're watching his clothes, they're feeding him and [SPEAKER_00]: Outside of our relationship I come to find out that he's still talking to his exes and all this type of stuff like that, but I feel like I'm so deep in it and I have a plan to move to LA with both people moving together because LA in my head at that time, which is still true LA is super expensive.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to move out there by myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I felt like I was between a rock and a horror place, but I did find out that he was still talking to one of his exes all of this stuff, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember we went to dinner one night before we was supposed to leave and he was like, [SPEAKER_00]: I don't handle money, and I was like, I know you don't handle money, but when we get to LA, we can make more money.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I still allowed him to come to LA with me.

[SPEAKER_00]: We moved to LA, stay in an Airbnb before my guests who pay for the Airbnb, $1, $1,000 out of my pocket.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to say he bought his own plane ticket, but I'm not even sure about that if I'm being [SPEAKER_00]: His name can't go on release because his credit score is so bad.

[SPEAKER_00]: He moves into my apartment.

[SPEAKER_00]: This man does not pay his half of the rent for six months.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have to come up with the entire, I don't know, 1750, something like that, 15, something like that.

[SPEAKER_00]: 1750, I think, was our rent back then.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had to pay that by myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: But the thing that made me so mad about it was the fact that at the time I was doing brand ambassador work, which was, you know, gig based work, [SPEAKER_00]: And just about every job I got, I got him on as well.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like our secretary, I was getting us all the work.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I knew that this man was making money, but I did know where that money was going.

[SPEAKER_00]: Until years later, I found out that he was still sending money to one of his ex-girlfriends that was still living on the East Coast.

[SPEAKER_00]: Did know this at the time.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we were always fighting, we were always arguing, but [SPEAKER_00]: with it like I see why we were arguing because I was having to take care of a grown man who was four years older than me by the way.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it just became a situation that I just hated to be in and I don't know why I stayed in for so long, but every step of the way that man was moochin off of me and I couldn't understand why.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would put my neck out for someone.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would put my resources out for someone and they don't appreciate it with the utmost enthusiasm.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that just taught me that [SPEAKER_00]: money in relationships are intertwined in ways that we don't always see until we reflect like I before that relationship I would have never thought that financial stress was a thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would have never thought that people had different outlooks on money or different relationships to money like I would have never thought that it would we would be fighting because you not paying your half of the rent like in my head that's just common sense that you're paying your half of the rent.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, there was this other guy that I was talking to after this guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I met him out here in California.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't call him the judge.

[SPEAKER_00]: I honestly loved being in a relationship with him because these things were, these things that he was doing was subtle.

[SPEAKER_00]: But when I would say things like, oh, I really want to work with an interior designer because I don't know what to do with my apartment.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had just moved into this apartment that I'm in right now, y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I won it, we're not just, I had been here for like a year.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was doing stuff around the apartment myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I'm starting to make more money, like with my content, all that stuff, I want to be able to treat myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, I want to treat myself in a way that helps, that helps build a space that I love to live in.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I was telling him this stuff, and I was like, I want to get an interior designer to help me with my bedroom, because I don't know what to do in there.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, why would you do that?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, what do you mean, why would I do that?

[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, why would you spend your money on that?

[SPEAKER_00]: You can just do it yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, okay, I mean, I can't, but I can also pay for because it's my money.

[SPEAKER_00]: And there was another situation where I was like, a lot of you guys know that I also post a lot of food content on my personal social media page.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I really need to get a housekeeper because cooking all of this stuff, editing it, editing it, and then turning around the clean my whole house sometimes.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just get super tired, it's just me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, I would never hire anybody to clean my house.

[SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't make any sense.

[SPEAKER_00]: Y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it made me feel like, dang, tire like, maybe you're not good with money.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you do spend your money on just frivolous things.

[SPEAKER_00]: But now looking back at it, it was just his insecurities that were being projected onto me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because this guy, he, I think I said this in the last episode that I was talking about like money stress and stuff.

[SPEAKER_00]: He used to live in an apartment and I didn't find out until I was about to go over to his house one time that he had to downsize into a smaller apartment.

[SPEAKER_00]: That was very small, by the way.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was just a room.

[SPEAKER_00]: A room with a tiny, tiny bathroom, like a bachelor studio type of thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: And not even a bachelor studio because then you have a kitchen.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he didn't have a kitchen.

[SPEAKER_00]: So it was just a room and a bathroom, but before that he lived in an actual studio apartment.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he had to downsize and I was like, why do you tell me?

[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, why?

[SPEAKER_00]: So what I got from that was that one, he didn't have the funds to stay in a bigger apartment, obviously.

[SPEAKER_00]: But two, that he felt some type of way about sharing that with me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't ever want to be in relationships like that, but I want to say when I was reflecting on all of this and how like stressful those situations would be because in that relationship with the judge, I started to doubt myself and my relationship with money and it started to make me feel bad about myself and that is also stressful.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I want to say that this honestly probably stems from a relationship that I had in college.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was with this guy and absolutely loved being with him as well.

[SPEAKER_00]: Didn't love being with the first guy that I'm telling you about, but these other two guys, I actually did enjoy being in relationship with them.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now with the college guy, we are kids.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're in college.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have, you know, any rear responsibilities yet.

[SPEAKER_00]: And at the time, I had like $10,000 saved up because I was on a full ride to Northwestern State.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I got a refund checked every semester and I didn't spend it all because I know a little bit about financial literacy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know how to save money a little bit.

[SPEAKER_00]: and I also have food stamps because I'm a college student you could get it back then.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he didn't he didn't he wasn't on a full ride or anything like that and didn't have a job because he also played football all of these things.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I was spent my food stamps on him.

[SPEAKER_00]: I spent I blew that whole $10,000 that semester.

[SPEAKER_00]: Not just on him, but you know a lot of it did go to like us doing stuff together and me footing the bill, those types of things and [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't mind it and it wasn't a weird thing between the two of us, but I think that's where this provider mentality and oh, I can just handle it, mentality came from.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's where it all started for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it just went downhill from there because everybody isn't, you shouldn't spend your money on everybody because it could just cause you way more stress in the long run.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really think a lot of us are taught that giving our money and our resources or time is the actual tangible proof of us caring about someone and for me especially I feel like if we don't provide we aren't good partners especially if we have it and if we don't provide [SPEAKER_00]: We aren't good in partners, even if it is to an unhealthy extent.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like if I got it, I need to share it.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's really the mindset that I have for a very long time.

[SPEAKER_00]: But the takeaway here is giving your money doesn't automatically equate to love.

[SPEAKER_00]: It becomes a problem when it calls to your piece.

[SPEAKER_00]: When it calls for your boundaries or your sense of self-worth and true care and love in relationships should feel balanced, both people need to be pouring into the pot.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: Not like a financial burden on one person and that I felt so burdened in that first relationship that I told you guys about with the mouture eye.

[SPEAKER_00]: it was like a dark cloud was over me all the time because I had to take care of this grown man because one he was living in my apartment and to I wanted to hold on to some familiarity because we had just moved out to Los Angeles together.

[SPEAKER_00]: But recognizing that has been one of the most eye-opening lessons for me in my entire financial journey and one thing I'm going to say is I will never find myself in another situation like I was back in 2018.

[SPEAKER_00]: Letting go of past financial stress isn't just about money.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's also about reclaiming your energy and your confidence and your peace of mind.

[SPEAKER_00]: Every dollar that you once gave away, every financial compromise you made in relationship taught you lessons.

[SPEAKER_00]: But now, the ones that didn't serve you, throw it out the window.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have been working so hard over the last few years in dating because I don't date often, but I've been working so hard to make sure that I am not repeating those old habits.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm kind of talking to this guy right now and there's parts of me like whenever we're talking, I just want to [SPEAKER_00]: do something, do a little some cute for him for this man and I have to stop myself and say tired, what has this man done for you?

[SPEAKER_00]: What has this man done for you and grant it y'all?

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not one size fits all and I'm not saying that it is inherently bad to do something cute for a guy because I do stuff that's cute for the guys, but I [SPEAKER_00]: and a certified overgiver.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I need to make sure that I am not embodying those same traits that once gave me terrible financial stress, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: So, for example, I've even just saying it out loud, I'm just like, oh my gosh, how am I doing this stuff?

[SPEAKER_00]: So, say for example, [SPEAKER_00]: a guy that I'm talking to was like, oh, I'm so hungry.

[SPEAKER_00]: We can go get some food right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And based off the strength of me saying, you know what?

[SPEAKER_00]: I suggest that we do this, I'll pay for it.

[SPEAKER_00]: I won't even give that man time to pull out his wallet.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have found myself in situations like that, and I think, [SPEAKER_00]: that is me being a little too in the masculine and my masculine energy, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: I really want to live a softer life.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to be a softer, I want to embrace that softer feminine energy and I just, it's a little uncomfortable for me because I've never been in a situation with a guy that has allowed me to live in that energy because I got it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, thank you, guy, like, I'm blessed.

[SPEAKER_00]: I got it.

[SPEAKER_00]: I can, I can't help out.

[SPEAKER_00]: I can give, I can't just say, oh, this trip is on me, I can't.

[SPEAKER_00]: But that doesn't mean that I always should.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think me doing that has really stopped a lot of the typical process of getting closer to a guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I have just like thrown it all the way, like, I don't need all the dust of, I'm just going, [SPEAKER_00]: put my money, where my mouth is, throw some, not some racks, but throw some racks out there and do some things with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's just been a huge learning curve.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I know I have identified the problem, but I'm still in a place where I am trying to physically live in a space where I am allowing.

[SPEAKER_00]: a man to be a man for one, a man to do nice things for me, because I'll just do like 10 things back to back for a guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I won't even think about what that guy has done for me because one, I've do things because I like to do him.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really show my love language is acts of service.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've learned that, but I also have to make sure that I am not [SPEAKER_00]: over compensating for what I want from the person because if I'm like oh you know what I want some flowers well maybe you want some flowers let me say who's a flowers and that's just an example that's really my mindset when it comes to dating and [SPEAKER_00]: I have been actively saying, whenever I feel like that I want to, whenever I feel an impulse to do something like that for a guy, especially when it comes with a price tag, I take a beat and say, wait, Tire, should I really do this?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because one thing about it, there should not be a power imbalance, there should not be an imbalance of [SPEAKER_00]: energy being put into the relationship and a lot of times I think just because I like to do things for people it does create that imbalance but it could be because I'm doing too much to soon or too much at the same time the guy may feel like whoa she's I don't know she's trying too hard she's doing this and I don't know what they think you know but I want to make sure [SPEAKER_00]: I don't love a girl and I'm trying to learn how to let these men love on me a little bit more.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I think best practices is definitely figuring out what has caused you to stress in the past and I know we've talked a lot about relationships in this way because that's where 9% of my financial stress has come from being in relationships with men where we are not equally yoked financially.

[SPEAKER_00]: So identifying where their stress has come from, what has led?

[SPEAKER_00]: you to being stressed out in those areas and working from there.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know when I was living with the only guy that I've lived with out here and I was paying all the rent, that stressed me out, so a boundary for me now.

[SPEAKER_00]: If I were to ever move in with another guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: One, both fire knives need to be only at least because his name was not on the least last time and two, you have to pay at least half of the rent.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I just really pray that God has something to store for me pretty soon.

[SPEAKER_00]: where that's not even referred to be like I really want a provider and I think that's why I have embodied a provider mentality because that's what I want in my life and I'm like, well, I ain't got it, so obviously I'm going to be it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just working on working on that, some other things that have [SPEAKER_00]: done that to me as well in my last relationship that I was in.

[SPEAKER_00]: There was a lot of situations where I gave him jobs because he was also a creative so he was on my payroll because I knew that he needed money and I also that stemmed from the previous relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, we were doing brand ambassador work when I first moved out to LA with that guy and I was getting him all the jobs.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's just something that I'm good at and it's easy but there is something [SPEAKER_00]: to say about restraint and there is something to say about giving a man space to be a man and if [SPEAKER_00]: You are putting a position where that man is not allowing you to live in your feminine energy and live in a space where you are not having to act like their mother, act like their caregiver, act like the breadwinner in the relationship to your detriment that you need to back off.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's something that I tell myself now too, not because [SPEAKER_00]: I can't, but because I know that this is not the dynamic that will last long term and the last thing that I'm going to say about the moochr.

[SPEAKER_00]: Towards the end of our relationship, we had moved out from with each other.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, we can't live together because I'm paying all the rent anyway.

[SPEAKER_00]: You need to go figure out how to live on your own.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, this man was four years older than me y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: And at the time, I was with, I had just moved out here that was seven years ago.

[SPEAKER_00]: What is that?

[SPEAKER_00]: I was 24, so he was like 28.

[SPEAKER_00]: He was almost 30.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was taken care of this grown man.

[SPEAKER_00]: Towards the end of our relationship, [SPEAKER_00]: He looked at me, we were, he, I came over to my apartment because I lived alone at the time and he said that I was too masculine and I probably cried about that for a week and he was saying I don't give him space to be a man.

[SPEAKER_00]: Y'all, I wanted to punch a brick wall because, how am I not giving you space to be a man?

[SPEAKER_00]: You are not providing me with the space to live in my feminine energy.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are not, [SPEAKER_00]: stepping up to be a man.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're not paying the bills.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are not taking me out.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're not doing anything for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like all of these very traditional things since you want to talk about, I'm in my masculine energy too much.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about the traditional things.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't pay nothing around here.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't pay for me to get my hair done.

[SPEAKER_00]: Nails, stuff, feet done, nothing.

[SPEAKER_00]: You constantly ask me for money.

[SPEAKER_00]: What, how do you want me to be feminine?

[SPEAKER_00]: What do you actually, what do you mean by this?

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not giving you space.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because if I gave you space to be the man in this relationship, we would be living in a ditch.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not about to do that with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that was definitely one of the straws that broke the camel's back in their relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because I, I'm not about to play with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not about to constantly [SPEAKER_00]: feel stressed out and take on more jobs because I'm taking care of a grown man.

[SPEAKER_00]: I just can't just can't continue to do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it has been very frustrating for me as someone who grew up in a household where my mom and daddy taught me financial security as far as my attachment to money and learning that a lot of me and and I'm not making the generalization us anything but a lot of me and that I've talked to [SPEAKER_00]: And I just really hope in the future that there is a man that comes around that is very secure in his relationship with money.

[SPEAKER_00]: He is financially literate and he knows how to take care of himself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like this is the bars in hell for me, y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm being completely honest, but [SPEAKER_00]: I say all that to say, pinpoint where your financial stress is coming from and then work your way backwards to see how you can make sure that you're not setting yourself up for failure again in the future.

[SPEAKER_00]: Over the years, I've realized just how much financial stress I've carried from my past relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was the provider more times than I can count and I thought that giving meant showing I cared.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if I didn't give, I would feel guilty.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like somehow I was failing the person that I thought loved me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And for a long time that mindset followed me, shaping habits I didn't even fully recognize, always covering, always giving, always trying to prove my worth with my money.

[SPEAKER_00]: But here's the thing, money mistakes don't have to define you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And financial stress doesn't have to hold you hostage.

[SPEAKER_00]: It is time to stop letting money stress you out.

[SPEAKER_00]: Look back on every dollar, every choice, every chapter, and say, that's closed, that's over with, that's above me now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then you're free to move forward with peace, confidence, and intentional choices.

[SPEAKER_00]: Letting go off that old stress isn't just about closing the chapter on those past mistakes, it's also about making room for what actually matters to you right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: When I think about money now, I think about choice, clarity, calmness, I think about spending and saving in ways that support my goals and my will being not to prove something to anybody else.

[SPEAKER_00]: Letting go off the guilt and patterns that no longer serve me creates space for confidence, peace and security in my life.

[SPEAKER_00]: Moving on encourages peace to find you, your pockets, and put some power back into your decisions.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not about being perfect.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's about being honest, intentional, and finally stepping into a healthier relationship with money and a healthier relationship romantically.

[SPEAKER_00]: Uh oh y'all you know what time it is it is time for our fun closing segment and today is closing segment is this or that now this one is very [SPEAKER_00]: meastly related to what we talked about today.

[SPEAKER_00]: So the this are that of this is lesson learned or money return.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so the question is, would you rather erase one of your biggest financial hiccups completely or keep the mistake but also keep the lesson it taught you?

[SPEAKER_00]: I got a few of these.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what my biggest one is, but the one that I'm going to [SPEAKER_00]: Hmm.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the one that I'm going to say for this is, so when I was with that guy, the moochar that I was telling you about earlier.

[SPEAKER_00]: We, uh, just talking about this right now just pisses me up.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we ended up born to this time sheer thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, we should go, it's going to be great, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[SPEAKER_00]: Long story short we go to you know our time shares work so we go in we listen to the presentation then they come around and they hown do about getting these vacation rentals Long story short he convinced me to do it because we had I don't know like two or three years to use a certain amount of credits or something like that [SPEAKER_00]: As we know, that man didn't have no money.

[SPEAKER_00]: So all of that went on my credit card.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it was a couple thousand dollars that went on my credit card.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the idea was he was supposed to help pay it back because he didn't have no credit.

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, he had horrible credit.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was like in the 400's his credit score.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, okay, well, this was kind of like close to when we first moved out to LA.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I hadn't gotten sick and tired of him yet.

[SPEAKER_00]: But anyways, [SPEAKER_00]: I won't want my money back because we never used the time share at all and he never paid towards it at all.

[SPEAKER_00]: I could honestly, I have stories for days about this guy, like there was also another time where [SPEAKER_00]: Lord y'all, this is pissed me off.

[SPEAKER_00]: All of these lessons learned versus money return, anything dealing with that guy, I will want my money back.

[SPEAKER_00]: One of my period at the end, I want my money back because it was not worth it.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was really in a space where I was being taken advantage of a little bit, especially since he was so much older than me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And by so much, four years, I get it.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not that much, but I was in my early 20s.

[SPEAKER_00]: When I was dating this guy, [SPEAKER_00]: When my grandparents bought me a car, and I know this is, we didn't already talk about this, but I'm gonna say, yeah, it's one more story and then I'm a, I'm a let it go.

[SPEAKER_00]: So when my grandparents were talking about buying me a car, they ended up buying my car, y'all.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I ever said that, but the car did I have now, they bought for me in 2018, it's 2019, and I don't want to, so I'm day at Laundra, so I got it in 2018.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the reason I wanted to get a car was because it's obviously hard to get around LA.

[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and it just makes sense because everything is spread out.

[SPEAKER_00]: The public transit here is just not great.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I brought this up to the guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, Hey, my grandparents are buying me a car.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll have a car to get around.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, we live together.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's no way that he wouldn't be in the car with me.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we live together.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, he started referring to it as our car.

[SPEAKER_00]: Baby, you ain't paying nothing on this car.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now a thing, do not play with me.

[SPEAKER_00]: So one day I was just like, and this was before I actually went home to get my car, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: They were having all these hypothetical conversations.

[SPEAKER_00]: And he was saying, our car, this type of thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, you don't have to pay the car note.

[SPEAKER_00]: Cause one of my grandparents gave me like half on the car.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, I'm not even gonna be paying this car note out of my pocket for at least two years.

[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to do that, but you need to pay the insurance if you want to drive my car.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to drive it, you need to pay the insurance because you need to also be on the insurance.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not doing this thing because I got in trouble with my mom on, because he was driving a car when we were still living in Louisiana.

[SPEAKER_00]: Got in trouble about letting him drive, because I didn't understand how insurance worked.

[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't understand that it's not covered if somebody who is not on the insurance is driving the car.

[SPEAKER_00]: So obviously, we had that conversation.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when I tell you, he got so mad that I asked him to pay the insurance on the car that he was trying to drive.

[SPEAKER_00]: I said, you know what we can't do this, and I knew as soon as we started having conversations like that, and there was times where I would ask him where he's had what it was and he would just start crying.

[SPEAKER_00]: And like it was just so much stupid stuff to be honest, I'm sorry, it was stupid.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was so much stuff like that going on in that relationship that I was like, this is not my husband.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know this man is not my husband, he is a moochar.

[SPEAKER_00]: He don't know how to take care of himself.

[SPEAKER_00]: He is literally using me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, as soon as this leases up, we go in our separate ways.

[SPEAKER_00]: Granted, I kept talking to him and I shouldn't have, but I was like, I'm not about the live with you because it's just like I'm living along because I'm paying for all the stuff myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if I can't provide for myself to this extent, I don't need you here adding all of the unnecessary stress.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, again, to answer the question, [SPEAKER_00]: money returned, run me my change, give it here.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't need the lesson.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't need, I don't, at least half of the lessons I'll take, but the ones with the big price tags, no.

[SPEAKER_00]: Run me my change.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't, I don't need that at all.

[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, y'all, I hope you enjoyed this episode, and once again, this is a video episode.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if you were listening on your favorite podcast, listening platform, you can go and check us out on YouTube.

[SPEAKER_00]: But with that being said, that is all that I have for you guys today.

[SPEAKER_00]: I really hope this episode planted a seed in you, because I know, especially as Black women, we become the caregivers for these grown ass men way too often.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's time for us to stop doing it.

[SPEAKER_00]: There is a world, there is a scenario where there is a man who will take care of us, who will give a hundred percent, and you also give a hundred percent.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to be in these unequally yoked and unequally balanced and these unbalanced relationships with these men, and I have been in one too many.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm sick and tired of being a sick and tired and I hope you are too.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I hope this pushes the right person in the right direction.

[SPEAKER_00]: You were meant to hear this episode.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm telling you that right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: Stop taking care of that girl, man.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because that financial stress is not worth it.

[SPEAKER_00]: That hit on your credit score is not worth it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Loring your credit score for is not worth it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Taking out that extra loan because he needs it's not worth it.

[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, don't do it.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm gonna leave it at that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Stop letting this money stress you out and stop letting these men make this money stress you out.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay?

[SPEAKER_00]: With that being said, you guys, that is all that I have for you today.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're not already subscribed to our YouTube channel, go ahead and hit that big red subscribe button down below.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if you have not already, make sure that you leave a review and rate the podcast on your favorite listening platform.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, we're trying to be Apple Top 100, two years in a row.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you guys so much for listening and I will see you guys again next week.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is Affirmations for Black.