Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

Welcome back to the podcast.

New listeners, old listeners.

Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties.

Okay, if the audio sounds a little bit different on this episode, it's because Sydney Airport today decided that it would be really fun to divert all of the airport traffic over my house.

So I was like trying to record this.

I have tried to do like this episode four or five times, and every time I'm about to get into it, like hl mega cargo plane is like a kilometer away from like my windows.

So we kind of changed things up today and I'm recording in my hallway cupboard situation, so breaking the fourth wall there to address if this sounds like a little bit different from my other episodes.

But today, guys, we're gonna do a little bit more of a personal episode.

Obviously, I like to talk about our twenties in general, and I like to have like psychological conversations around why we experience what we do when we do in this decade, why it's so chaotic.

But every now and again, I do like to do a little bit more of a personal episode more so for me.

I feel like this podcast is many things to many people, but for me, it's also kind of like a personal diary or a little bit of like a kind of like what are those things called a time capsule where I want to do certain episodes specifically for future me to.

Listen to and to reflect on, And this today is one of those episodes.

A couple of months ago, I released one of my favorite episodes ever, which was the twenty Biggest Mistakes People Make in their twenties.

That was like so many months of work went into that episode and it but basically just you know, we talked to over five thousand people about what they've regretted and why.

And since that, I've really started to think about, hey, like, what do I regret about my twenties so far?

What are the things that I might point to later on in life and say, oh, I wish I'd done that differently, and so since that episode has come out, I've kind of started compiling my own list and like writing things down here and there, both like from recent memory and from like my much earlier twenties and today, I thought that I would share that list now, especially as I'm kind of definitely entering my later twenties.

I have found that I've become more reflective.

I'm definitely waiting for my sat and return to like come and kick me in the butt, and before that happens, I want to make sure that I have been taking as many lessons as I can from my experiences and that the stuff that I'm going through, whether good or bad, will actually stay with me.

So this is kind of the combination of all of that thinking and all of that reflecting on what I regret, what I would change, how I want to kind of go into the last few years of my twenties really prioritizing and thinking about and I thought maybe, just maybe someone else could benefit from this as well.

So, without further ado, We're going to talk about my ten biggest regrets from my twenties so far, spanning from dating to friendship to money, my health, how I've made use of my time and certain chapters of my life and so many other things.

I hope you enjoy it.

I hope you learn something.

Let's get into it.

Okay.

So, when I was thinking about one of my biggest regrets, the first one was so painstakingly like obvious to me, like there is no question that the biggest regret I have so far is doing things for others that I really didn't want to do.

That's my biggest regret.

Number one is all the times when I have felt, deep in my stomach and deep in my body, I don't want to do this, I don't want to be here.

Why did I say yes to this?

Why do I continue to say yes to these things?

And yet I'm still in that situation time and time again.

This is probably the biggest thing that I am currently trying to sort out within myself and trying to make better.

I think at least once a week I have like a conversation with myself where I'm like, what are we doing?

Why do we agree to go to this event?

Why do we agree to say yes to this thing even though like it's incredibly like time heavy, and you're not getting paid anything, and you don't even like these people like that was a recent one where I was like, what am I?

Why did I say yes to that?

Why did I.

Agree to help with this person's I don't know baby shower when they've never actually ever been very nice to me?

Why did I do this favor for someone?

Like It's a repeat pattern that I honestly find myself in more often than I want to be, and I regret it.

I regret it every single time I think when I really like break down why this is happening, Like it's historical, it's deeply historical, and it's deeply like related to the worth I felt as a child, and I've speake, I've spoken about this on the podcast before.

But when I was a kid, when I was in primary school and even when I was in high school, I was bullied really, really badly, and I had all these experiences where I really wanted a friend and I really wanted people to like me, and like I just couldn't figure it out.

Like all these other kids seemed to just like have this quality about them that made other people like them, and I didn't have that quality.

In fact, I had the quality that made people find me irritating or not like me or kind of victimize me in a bit of a way, and so as I got older, I think one of the strategies I learned is that if you just constantly do things for other people, then they'll like you more.

If you are constantly like the yes person and the pushover, you get invited.

You get to.

See behind the scenes, people include you, and they include you, maybe not because they consciously know this, but unconsciously because they know that you will help them, and you will bend over backwards for them, and you will sacrifice for them, and you won't stand up for yourself.

This obviously was like very helpful to me, and I have to acknowledge it was helpful for me when I was younger and when I just really wanted to be liked and I really just needed a friend.

Nowadays, like I have friends, and I have a really great life, and I feel a lot more confident.

I have a much greatest sense of self esteem.

This is no longer helpful for me, and it's no longer useful, and in fact, it's like really starting to cost me.

And I'm trying not to go into specifics because like I'm sure there are people who I've said yes to when I really didn't want to do things in the past who I'm listening to this podcast, And the thing is is that it's not their fault, right, It's this is another lesson, like it's not someone's fault if I continue to say yes when I want to say no.

Yeah, yes, There is certainly like perhaps layers of recognition that this is a weakness of mine and maybe a desire to manipulate that without them knowing it.

But at the end of the day, these things that I'm saying yes to are relatively like low stakes.

They're just irritating to continually do.

I kind of have to I don't know, I need to like woman up and say no to these things.

That's a summary of my biggest regret, and obviously you can tell that it's something that I'm still trying to undo and hopefully in five years time when I'm making like the final complete list of my regrets of my twenties all up, this does not make the list, and it is something that I've recovered from.

But yeah, I'm sure a lot of people can can relate to it.

My second biggest regret, I feel like the first one is very existential and very much about like self concept and self respect and childhood wounds.

This next one is not so much it is impulse buying cloth that weren't comfortable or didn't fit or I knew I would never wear big tone shift there a big one eighty.

But I'm obviously like preparing to move countries at the end of the year, like visas are approved, flights are booked, plans and preparations are in process, and I am like looking through my wardrobe and realizing that I may have like an impulse spending problem and that I buy a lot of stuff that I never wear, and it is a huge money pit for me.

I genuinely think I wear the same six outfits, like I yeah, I really like I've been doing the math and I've been asking myself the question and getting rid of things like have I worn this in the last six months?

And there are probably like twelve items of clothing that I genuinely wear, and the rest is just stuff that like sits there and is filled with the potential of like maybe one day I'll wear this.

Maybe one day I'll be confident enough to wear that.

Maybe one day I'll suddenly be this different person who wears these things.

And I just kind of know that I'm not, Like, I know that these things don't make me comfortable, and I just really regret how much money I have put into clothes or items that I thought were gonna be the final thing that made me feel good, or like the final thing that was going to fill the void, or like the final item that I needed to have the most perfect wardrobe and feel confident every single time I put something on it is honestly just a waste of space.

And I am seriously considering doing a little bit of a capsule wardrobe, just selling everything except for like the clothes I know I wear on a daily and starting from scratchl just like not buying anything else and seeing how long I can last.

I feel like my move to London is going to be a great opportunity for me to try out the minimal lifestyle.

I don't know how successful I will be, but yeah, the second biggest regret is the money that I have put into clothes and items that were really just like representing my desire to be someone that I was not, and I haven't like really recognized that until now.

My third biggest regret now it kind of turns more towards relationships, and I honestly think it's one that I wasn't like.

I know this was when I wasn't going to include because of how it may make me look like a bad person or made me look inconsiderate, But it is ghosting friends, even people who were not good friends to me.

There is like one person in particular that I think about who our friendship was deeply problematic for many reasons, emotional but also financial reasons, Like at the end of the day, the reason it didn't last was because of how this person treated money and how they kind of took advantage of me for money in a way that felt like really awful.

And I know that we were like we weren't meant to be friends and that there were things that couldn't be repaired, but I really regret not having that final conversation with this person and not just clearing the air.

I don't think it would have done anything.

I don't think that they would have changed, but sometimes I yeah, I just maybe they wouldn't have seen that it was an issue.

But I really regret not giving them that and not giving myself that as well.

And my frickin' phone has been doing this thing where they have where it's been like showing me photos of this person.

Like every single day I get a photo of this previous friend and I can't stop thinking about them, and yeah, like wanting to reach out, but also knowing it's not for the best.

And I just think that that is a lesson.

The only thing left in that is the lesson to not do that in the future and to have hard conversations.

I've definitely done it in the past as well, but I do think that my default is to just like not hurt people's feelings and to not want to let people down, not realizing that sometimes that's kind of selfish, Like it's kind of selfish to not want to experience the discomfort of upsetting people, but therefore maybe actually making it a more upsetting experience for them.

Bigger lessons in that, but it has been a regret of mine, and I wish that I could go back and finish certain friendships and finish certain relationships better.

Maybe not relationships.

I will say I feel like I'm pretty I'm someone who's pretty good break up with and I'm good at doing the breaking up, but definitely friendships, Like I just feel like the way that you really love someone is reflected in how the relationship ends, and I definitely could have honored other friendships and friendships of mine better in the goodbye.

That's regret number three.

Let's talk about regret number four before we take a short break.

And this is one that I think I wish.

I wish someone had told me at nineteen and I had listened to them.

Although I don't think I would have, I regret focusing too much on dating in my early twenties.

If you are nineteen or younger, or if you are twenty or twenty one, listen to me closely right now.

If you do not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner right now, and you are thinking that you need one to kind of fulfill other people's expectations or to make you happier, you do not.

Please please be single right now.

Have a lot of fun, make a lot of amazing friendships.

Make the first five years of your twenties be about building stable community and support network.

You do not need to start focusing on dating until you are at least twenty five.

And I know that that brings up complicated feelings.

I know that a lot of people may have met the love of their life in their early twenties, and it's worked out incidentally, like really amazing.

And I know a lot of people have a lot of fears around being a late bloomer or never finding anybody, or not having experience, But I am telling you from my perspective and looking back at my life, I regret so deeply how much time and energy I put into trying to make men like me, trying to fall in love, trying to force relationships that did not work, when I could have spent all of that energy on so much else.

Like there was a particular relationship I had in my early twenties, like when I was twenty one, I went through two breakups in one year, and in that same period of time, like being in those relationships like decimated half of my friendships, And oh my god, for what, like genuinely for what, I take like full accountability for the fact that you know, being in that relationship was a terrible decision and made me act terribly as as a person.

And I just wish I could like I didn't really learn anything from it.

I can like fully say that now, like I don't think I learned much from it other than that I shouldn't do that again.

And you know, I can never get back like that time, and it can never get back the friendships that it that like my selfishness and that relationship ruined, and I just wish, Like I have younger sisters and I was talking to them because they were staying with me this weekend, and I was like, probably like scaring them a little bit, but I was like, are you guys dating anyone?

And they were like, none of your business, and I was like, well, you shouldn't be tell me, but also like break up with them, like you need to be single, like move to London with me, Like move to Sydney, Like just do something wild and adventurous and crazy whilst you can, because you will meet someone eventually, and if you don't, you will still benefit more from spending that time building self confidence and self love and a really rich ecosystem of friendships and relationships rather than just like kind of martyring yourself for people who don't respect you.

This kind of brings me.

Sorry, I know I said I take a break, but this fifth regret is actually really relevant to this, and that is tolerating bad behavior from people I was dating because I wanted validation, and that really kind of comes back to that relationship I was talking about.

Like the respect that I let happen, and I'm not like blaming myself, but like the disrespect that I overlooked because I wanted this mediocre person to like me is wild in hindsight.

Like the way this person would make me feel, the way he would like talk down to me in front of others, the way he would discredit my passions, the way he would never like meet my emotional needs, and yet I continue to like come back to him and like worship him is a huge regret for me.

It's a massive one.

The question that I wish i'd ask myself and which I now tell people to ask themselves in these similar situations, is if this was your soulmate, would your soulmate treat you this way?

Is this how you want to be loved for the rest of your life?

Because I think in our twenties sometimes the stakes don't feel that high, right, It doesn't really feel like this person is going to be forever, But like it doesn't matter every moment that you stay in those situations where your confidence and your sense of self and your sense of self esteem is like degraded is a moment you don't get back and is important.

So I wish I hadn't.

I wish i'd put my foot down.

I wish that I'd just cut my losses a bit sooner.

And you know what, I wish, in like kind of a cruel way, that I'd had like that final moment to like look this person in the eye and be like you really have lost out, Like there's a self like this, like little like cheeky, kind of mean part of me.

That's like God, I wish I could have just like given them a piece of my mind.

Maybe not immediately when we broke up, because like the way I broke up with this person was like a whisper rather than a shout, But I wish that, like six months later I'd run into him and I could have just been like yeah, like I don't know.

Maybe it's like a reclaiming of the confidence I wish I had during that period.

But Okay, I promised us a break.

I promised some time for you guys to go get some tea to enjoy my ads.

So stay with us.

We will be right back.

Welcome back.

As a reminder, we are talking about the ten biggest regrets that I have about my twenties.

So far, we have talked about relationships.

We've talked about shopping randomly, We've talked about ghosting friends.

I want to talk now more about how I chose to use my time and my energy and this what are we up to?

Sixth regret has to do with journaling actually, and how I processed emotions or took notes of pivotal points in my life.

I wish that I had journaled more, especially in my early twenties, rather than relying on my memory to accurately describe things when I was a teenager.

I have these incredibly intricate journals and reflections on my life, and there are all these characters, and they are all these like plot twists that actually happened to me, and it's honestly, really delightful like reading them back.

I feel as if people journal for two reasons.

They journal for emotional processing and as a form of coping, and they also journal as a form of memory keeping and as a way to see it coherent, to kind of be able to see the story of their life right.

And there is this big chunk of my story that is missing.

If you were only to read my journals because I just I was so distracted that I didn't do it and I didn't think it was important.

And I just really regret that because I wish I had a more like I was gonna say, objective, but like objective is in of the time recount of what I was going through and what I was learning at that time.

I guess this episode is like a way to do that for me right now.

And I guess maybe it really like aligned with when I started doing the podcast and I kind of felt like I didn't have to do it as much, but I did and I still do and now I'm kind of getting back into it.

But I really wish that i'd done that more.

It's such an important practice for me, and I don't know necessarily why I neglected it, but I know I regret it.

My seventh regret is overthinking things rather than just doing them.

And yet again, this is another kind of routine way that I operate that I am trying to not necessarily unlearn but just acknowledge and be friends with.

You know, I might and probably will never change my brain's tendency to overthink, but I think I can overcome the instinct to just ruminate forever and ever and ever.

My tendency to overthink rather than just do is both like innocuous and deeply like influential.

It happens every single day.

It's like from small things like not being able to choose an ice cream flavor and then like getting to the counter and having something in mind that I want and then choosing something completely different and being disappointed, to overthinking my future to the point where I don't ever act on certain things, or don't ever act on opportunities because I've just been so obsessed over whether they're going to be right and whether they're going to set me on a path that I can't come back from.

That's just like so ridiculous, right, Like we have no idea how a decision is going to work out.

I always give people advice to just do, to just make the decision, to just go with one choice rather than going with no choice, And yet it's something that I still struggle with.

I definitely do act, and I definitely do make the decision eventually, but I just wonder how much time and opportunity I've wasted thinking about it, especially like to break the fourth wall yet again, when I think like in like year two of the podcast, when like people were listening right, really listening, and it felt like I was doing something important rather than just a hobby.

I would obsessively think about which episodes to release next, and it meant that I had all these really good ideas, and I had all these stories that I think would have been really important to share, and I didn't because I kept questioning and overthinking whether people would find them valuable, whether than you know, whether I would find them.

And I feel like that was a big mistake and it's something that I again I regret.

I've also done it with job opportunities in the past, where I've overthought something to the point where they've basically been like, well, we're gonna give it to someone else, and I totally respect that decision, but I wish that I wasn't in that situation.

So something that I want to do in the next three years of my twenties is to just listen to my gut a little bit more and to just trust the first thought that comes into my brain, even if it's wrong.

And this is what I think about this.

I think that there is so much to be said about trial and error in further honing and fine tuning your gut instinct and your intuition.

The only way you can know what is intuition and what is anxiety is to just act on whatever comes up first and figure it out and then kind of reverse engineer or kind of understand in hindsight or distinguish in hindsight which was which right and what they why they might subtly feel differently.

So this is something that I want to be better at.

Not trusting my gut instinct has also gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past.

That kind of brings me to my eighth regret, which is the times that I didn't trust my gut instinct when it came to large financial decisions and letting people pressure me into things that I knew were not right and that I had a bad gut feeling about.

I don't really talk about money on the show very much just because I to be real, I'm not particularly very good with money.

Like I've definitely been more dedicated to learning about it and to investing in things and to using my money wisely.

But like you know, I have an economics degree doesn't mean I really understand everyday financial decisions very well.

But last year I didn't necessarily lose, but I invested like what was a very significant sum of money for me because of advice from someone else who I didn't want to disagree with.

It's not that I wanted to impress them, but I felt like I couldn't say no, and I felt like pressured into making this decision.

And every part of me was like, don't do that, Like, don't spend this money.

You don't want to do this.

This actually isn't going This isn't the right decision for you, This isn't going to lead to a better outcome for you.

And yet I did it, and I really deeply regret it.

I really deeply regret that I didn't listen to my intuition.

And you know what, it wasn't a total loss, and in the grand scheme of things, like, yeah, it was a lot of money at the time, I'm sure future me is not going it is not like it wasn't like the amount that you would need to buy a house or even a car or anything like that big.

But I just I just wish that I had listened to myself a little bit better and that I had been more more trusting in my own research and the information I had to make a better decision and again less peer pressure.

I will also say this is a bonus regret that I talked about that in the main episode that I did on this the twenty Biggest Regrets episode, not investing sooner.

It was a big one for a lot of people in that episode, and it's a big one for me once you realize how many people are just like making money from their money, like it's shocking and you never look back.

And we're kind of at a point now where you don't necessarily need to be like a unicorn investor a multimillionaire to have access to these opportunities.

I think, like even twenty to fifty dollars, like you can put into shares or bonds or stocks and you can get returns, and I wish, like, it's not free money.

I will say, it's not free money.

I need to stop saying this.

I said this to my friend the other day who was an accountant, and she was like, you can't say that it's free money, but it is like your money working for you.

And so, as a bonus regrets, such thing I wish i'd done sooner that is definitely one of them.

I've kind of lost track of where I'm up to now.

I think we are at number nine, our second last one, and that is not making the most of my time off.

When I was at university, let me explain, I should have taken advantage of how little I had on.

When I was a university student, I felt so much pressure to like have the internships, to be applying for like as many jobs as possible, and like boosting my resume and like making it look more important.

Obviously, I also had to work because I needed to like pay my bills, but I also spent a great deal of time just like messing about and just like kind of hanging around my college and like not really doing anything.

And I wish I hadn't done that.

Like you get to the stage and like adulthood and all the responsibilities just like kind of take over, and you realize how rare that time in your life was where you could just like have a little bit of freedom.

Often like every seven weeks you would have like a break.

Every twelve weeks or so, you would have a break.

And I wish I'd just done a few more day trips.

I wish i'd done a bit more exploring.

I wish I'd done a bit more of the stuff that excited me rather than what I thought I should have done.

I remember one winter, especially where I did this internship that everyone told me was important.

I have never been asked about that internship.

I even think that I got a job without that internship on my resume, because it was an old resume that I handed in, like and it was so many hours of unpaid work that I thought was expected of me to get ahead in like the previous career that I was in, and I just won't get that time back.

And I really think that my character and my sense of self and my like life enjoyment would have been improved so much better by just having some fun.

I took my I took everything so seriously when I was finishing up union, when I was in my final few years and months of university, and I didn't appreciate how much freedom and how much fun like that time is and how you should really take advantage of it.

Nowadays, it's like so much harder.

I don't think I've had like a full week off without working in like two years.

I wish that I realized what a gift that was back then, and that there is so much time to get ahead and to do the shoulds and to do the things that you feel like obligated to do to get ahead later on, and yeah, someone else might be doing those things now, and you might feel like you're in this secret competition with all of these people.

You're not.

People also want well rounded individuals, and you can't be well rounded if you just continuously do things that are expected of you or that you don't even care about just because of how they look.

That's my ninth regret, and this is my final one.

Delaying medical appointments sounds like a weird one to make number ten on this list.

It is not.

You guys know I had that really well maybe you don't know if you didn't listen to that episode, but at the start of the year I had this really intense health scare where I went to the optometrist and literally within days I was getting MRIs to see if I had a brain tumor and they were testing to see if I had MS or I had all of like all of these different diseases.

Essentially, my optic nerve in my eye was like really really swollen, and yeah, I, Oh, my god, I should know what it's called.

Optic neurosis, I think is what the symptom is.

And I just I'd missed that I'd been having all of these like weird things and I hadn't obviously paid attention to them.

And then suddenly it was like, oh my god, my life is flipped upside down in like a matter of seconds.

Literally just last week, I went and I did all of my appointments for the next year.

I went and got my blood's done.

I went and got like all of my like screenings done.

I went and got a bunch of like ultrasounds and a bunch of other stuff, just to like look at things that I have been annoying me and that are obviously causing pain or discomfort in my body that I would ordinarily just like ignore, but I know I need to pay attention to now before they get worse.

I always have to give this caveat.

I live in Australia, right, God bless universal health care, because all of those appointments cost me fifty dollars and I really did take advantage of those perks, like I really did get the whole.

I got the whole, like bodily review the whole like I did everything, and so I know every time I give this piece of advice or I talk about this regret, I always get people who are not in countries that are as blessed as Australia being like, that's not that's not like obtainable for everybody.

That's okay.

You should still do it if you have the means, If you have any form of means or any way of doing this, even if it's through like free programs through your university, especially when you're young and it may be discounted, or you may still be underneath your parents' health insurance, go and do it.

I also just got my skin checked for skin cancer.

I spend a lot of time like baking my body in the sun when I was in my late teens and early twenties, and I was like, I have to do this.

I kept getting it put off.

The peace of mind that I felt afterwards was so relieving.

Please do it for me, do it, do it for us, Go and do your medical appointments.

It's worth it, and that also counts for your mental health as well.

I haven't always been the best at that.

I feel like I let things get to a crisis point sometimes before I take action.

And after everything I went through last year with my mental health, I'm definitely trying to be aware that that is a pattern for me, and I'm trying to unload it.

I think that's all of them.

I think we have done my ten regrets.

I do have one more on this list that I must have added, number eleven.

Letting people who I don't respect make me feel bad about myself.

That's kind of a big one to end on.

But this is especially like to do with people online.

I talk so much about like how I'm so easy to rage bait.

I know this about myself.

I get so frustrated at people who like criticize other people online behind behind like a troll account or like a faceless profile, or people who are like you did that wrong, and like they've never actually attempted to make anything in their life or like put themselves out there.

And so this is one that I'm just like, I regret all the emotional time and energy I invested into people that I would never meet, who had opinions about me that were completely unfounded.

That's like a little bonus one if you are someone and to be honest I still don't know how to not do it, so it's an ongoing regret.

Maybe that's why I didn't make the full list.

But if you're someone who feels the same and who has easily been rage baited recently or is easily getting frustrated by people's opinions, you are not alone.

But that's everything.

That's everything on my list, and I feel like that list is going to change in the next couple several years, as like I get older and I feel like I'm going to learn more.

So I think I might come back in the last season of The Psychology of Your Twenties, the last season before I turn thirty, and redo this list and see, like where I've kind of what ones I've overcome, which things I've learned from, which things I regret a little bit less.

But for now, that's really what I'm taking away from my early and mid twenties, And I hope that if you know you're at a similar point in your life, if you're in your early twenties, you can learn something from those regrets and maybe not make the same mistakes.

Or maybe it's just the case that everyone has to go through some of this stuff and figure it out on their own.

So whatever it is, I don't know, hopefully it was helpful, and feel free to share your regrets below.

I know we have that full episode, but I genuinely think that the easiest way to learn is obviously to make the mistake yourself.

The second easiest way is to hear from others and reflect on their takeaways and their learnings from those moments.

So if you feel the need to share, please do leave a comment below what is your biggest regret in your twenties so far.

Also make sure that you are following us on Instagram or you are following us wherever you are listening right now on Spotify, on Apple Podcasts.

We also have a YouTube and we have a substack, so if you want transcripts, I know a lot of people want that.

If you want some of the studies, references to the studies that we cite in some of our episodes that is now available, there will be links in the description.

You can always there's links everywhere.

Everyone's got a link to something, but it will be clear where it is.

Follow that to find what you're looking for.

But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, learn from your regrets and we will talk very very soon.