Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, or welcome back to the show.

Welcome back to the podcast.

New listeners, our listeners, wherever you are in the world.

It is so great to have you here.

Back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties.

It's a bit of a different episode today.

It's a chit chat, catch up with me kind of episode because it's kind of been a while since I've just popped myself in front of the microphone and talked about my life, Jemma's life, what's been happening, what's been happening behind the scenes of the Psychology of Your Twenties.

I always feel a little bit weird doing these life updates, doing these like chatty episodes, because I feel like that's not what you're really here for.

Perhaps I feel like you expect more from me sometimes, like you expect the fully researched, fully fleshed out episodes and not delivering on that.

It's like not delivering on a promise and people are going to be disappointed that it's just me and my personality and no science.

But trying to get over that a little bit.

I also just think that that's my toxic productivity, you know.

I released two episodes a week, one of them every now and again can just be me getting to talk about myself and my learnings and how my beliefs in my life is changing.

I'm actually reading this book right now called The Ambition Trap.

I cannot remember who it's by, but it's called The Ambition Trap, and it's completely, like fundamentally changed how I'm viewing work and productivity, specifically how I'm viewing perfection and allowing myself to make mistakes and not even make mistakes, but allowing myself to have fun with my job and to have fun with my life.

And something I'm really aiming for at the moment is trying to measure my life more by how I feel what I can do for others, whether I feel creative, whether I'm patient, whether I have the capacity for patients and the capacity for kindness, and how I'm taking care of myself.

And this is kind of an effort to do that, to just sit down and talk rather than feel like I owe people something.

So anyways, long winded way of saying hello, welcome today, we're going to talk about what's been going on in my life.

You may remember, maybe almost a year ago, I would say seven months, I did another little chatty episode What's been going on with Me?

And it was very, very different to what I normally talk about.

It was me essentially giving you the details behind my mental breakdown.

Let's call it what it is.

It was a mental breakdown.

I was in such a dark and raw place, and I was honestly, so deeply detached from who I am, and I felt so awful and detached from the world and from reality, and I was just a complete mess.

And I feel like I kind of released that episode.

I felt very brave doing it, and then I just went back to my regularly scheduled programming and it didn't really acknowledge it again, probably because so much happened afterwards.

You know.

I announced my book probably a month or two after I really that episode, so that I just got so caught up in, you know, promoting person in progress.

Then I launched my new podcast, Mantra, So then I got so caught up in launching Mantra because I love it and because it's incredible, and then the book came out, and then I had to promote the book coming out, and from the outside, you would definitely have this perception, or maybe not, but I think that there would be this perception that this last year of my life has been like amazing and incredible and I must be on such a high and I'm not.

Really.

There's definitely elements of it in which I'm very happy and in which my life is getting exceedingly better.

But there has been a lot of misery, I guess, a lot of silent struggling, like behind the scenes that you know, what we need to talk about because what you see online isn't real, what you hear on podcasts isn't always real.

What you think about someone else's life isn't real.

And as much as I love talking about our twenties and I love talking about psychology, I think my real passion is just talking about the vulnerable things that make us human.

And part of that is being open, just just sitting here and saying, hey, like, there has been some things I've been really that have been really hard in my life recently, and you wouldn't have any clue.

So let's talk about it despite all of that, and I will obviously give you updates on what I'm talking about.

Life is slowly getting really really good, and I feel like I've had some really incredible epiphanies and mindset shifts and just like radical, I've just experienced some radical acceptance about unchangeable things in life.

And when you have those kinds of radical moments and transformative moments, like you just kind of want to scream it from the rooftop and just say to people, like it gets better, Like it's going to get better.

I've had a really tough year.

I felt very ungrateful and guilty for not being able to enjoy my moments as much as I wish I had been able to.

But throughout it all, like there are some really incredible learnings that I think are life changing for me.

So that's what we're going to talk about today.

We're going to talk about why sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, what it means to struggle, what it means to thrive, what it means to be freaking human.

Without further ado, let's get into a little life update.

So behind the scenes of the podcast.

At the moment, I have been going through it, and I've been really building like this very whole new deep belief system.

I feel like the reason I had this mental breakdown last year was quite existential for those of you who don't know.

Like when I was growing up, I used to be I used to have really deep faith.

My family was not religious, we never went to church.

They were about as atheist as it comes.

But for some reason, I always really felt called into like organized religion, and so like for a lot of my teen years and like definitely just my late teen years, maybe like the first year of my twenties, like I always felt this like real higher calling and this sense of like meaning in life that was attached to religion.

And then I don't think I've ever talked about this, but I went through something I don't want to call it traumatic, but just like really frustrating and disturbing with the church that I was in, involving someone I was dating, and I just never went back, Like I was just like, no, I just can't do this anymore.

Like I just it just completely like broke my belief structure.

And then for a while there was just kind of like this abyss.

There was just this whole I guess, like in my soul where I all these big questions that faith really felled for me, Like I didn't have answers to like what are we here for?

What's the meaning of love?

Is this a hostile or a loving universe?

Like?

What does fairness mean?

What does justice?

Like?

I didn't really have answers for those things.

And I feel like that all kind of came to a head last year when I was like, Oh, I really don't have answers for these things, and that's actually really scary, and I have to kind of figure out what I want to believe in, and I have to figure out what I see my place in this world is like through my own means and through spirituality, through science, through philosophy, whatever it was that was going to guide me there.

And there were some other things going on as well, and it really pushed me to such a low place just thinking about the absurdity of the world and what I really learned through that.

And I honestly feel like the last month has been the first time that I've really come out of it since it happened last year, Like it's this last month I've really been having like a moment of like, oh my God, like I'm getting things now and like I'm happy and wow, like life is beautiful.

And I feel like I'm such an optimistic person that I spent so much of last year and the start of this year feeling like life was defined by misery and suffering, and I've finally been able to appreciate like the miracle of existence, and that's like something that I really value.

As such an optimistic person, I have to see the good in the world.

So I'm glad that that is coming back to me.

But what it's really reminded me of is like it's just continually reminded me that it's always darkest before the dawn, that sometimes true growth does come from suffering, and that you can endure so much more than you think you can.

And I remember like hearing people say that and being like what are you talking about?

Like what are you on about?

And then like the mental kind of battle that I've been through has just proven that to me time and time again, like how strong I am, how resilient I am.

I always want to talk about some other things that have been happening I so I haven't talked about this at all.

But right before my book was launched, I went into the optometrist random.

I needed to get new glasses.

And when I was at the optometrist, they like found something really scary on my what's it called optical nerve optic nerve?

Sorry?

And I was in just like a regular schedule, regularly scheduled like eye appointment, and this optometrist like looking at these like retinal images that I had gotten done, and it was so random that I gotten them done.

I wasn't paying attention, and the person at the front desk was like, oh, do you want these done?

And I was like yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I was like, oh do I really want those done?

But I'd already said yeah.

So she was looking at these photos and she was she basically was like, oh you have I'm not going to say what it is, Oh maybe I will.

Like basically it was like that it's swelling and it's all around the optic nerve, which is a really really bad sign.

And within like twenty I think forty eight hours, I was like at a specialist doing all these tests.

The things they had to rule out were really scary.

They had to rule out ms, they had to rule out a brain tumor.

They had to rule out all these really scary things that I wasn't having a stroke within forty eight hours.

Like it was like, oh, this huge thing is happening with my vision, with my brain, Like that's so scary.

And I was in like the ophthalmologist's office forty eight hours after I found out I had this thing that I literally knew nothing about.

And I remember I like kept my cool, and then suddenly they were dilating my pupil, which I don't know if you've ever had this happen, but they put this stuff in your eye that makes your pupil go huge and then you can't see for like the next four hours.

And I was sitting there and I was like and why.

As they were putting it in my eye, I was like, oh my gosh, like this is something huge is happening to me, Like this is really scary, and I've only just started processing it.

So They're trying to put these like drops in my eye and I'm like crying and I'm like hysteric, and like my boyfriends are being like, I know, it's so scary.

And anyways, the thing is is that I still don't have any answers around what's going on.

This was literally I'm trying to get the timeline right, like very like within weeks of before my book was launching, before my book was coming out, and suddenly it was just like, oh my god, what is happening?

And we're still trying to figure it out, just having to get all these tests done, having to get all these MRIs, having to get all these this blood work, and it's been really really scary.

And the thing is is that that was that was life getting worse.

Like I had all this other stuff going on, and then it was like and bam, health scare and you know, and bam, like life is fragile, like just in case you needed that reminder, and it was incredibly stressful.

Like I'm laughing about it now even though I think now that I know I don't have like a significant brain tumor, and now that I definitely know that I wasn't having a stroke, I can laugh about it.

But like it was kind of touch and go there.

And actually, like the optometrist called me after I'd left because she'd been like, oh, just go to the doctor eventually, and then she called me like six times and was like, hey, like, this is actually an emergency.

So that was scary.

Now I feel fine, and I feel like that was really the low point.

I also had some people asking me like, how was my mental health leading up to my book coming out?

And I so you guys might know, I tried to go off my medication.

I'm on lexipro.

I tried to go off last year and it didn't go very very well.

Unfortunately, this year I have actually taped down to ten milligrams.

And I liked, this is not medical advice.

I just like to talk openly about dosages and everything because just might be helpful to you.

And I feel like I need it less and less.

But it is such a safety net for me, right, Like I was gonna say, I know I could never get to a really low point, but obviously I could, but that was when I wasn't taking it.

It's just a nice safety net for me.

It's just like, Okay, I know that my depression of my anxiety is biological.

I know that I exercise like four to five times a week.

I eat really well, I spend a lot of time outdoors.

I have loving family, social connection, I have a purposeful career.

I'm safe, I have all my needs met, and then some I'm able to give back, Like I'm doing all the things that people say are externally protective against depression and anxiety, and you know, I'm doing all the behavioral interventions that people always say as helping, and they didn't work, so I know that it's biological.

And I think just having this kind of intervention has been really really so that's kind of like a medication update.

But yeah, leading up to my book coming out, I was struggling, not just because I had that health scare thing, which was significant, but because a lot of other big changes were happening in my life.

I had to move house the day before my book came out as well, which was just like two huge things happening at once.

And also, something they may not tell you about writing a book is that it's quite anticlimactic.

Right, So you.

Do a lot of work, it takes so many hours and so much of you to write a book, and then it all like comes to fruition on like one day, and then after that, like it's so weird, like you don't really hear from a lot of the people that you've worked with, like you're suddenly just kind of on your own, and you're suddenly just like, okay, I have to do I'm just on my own.

Like this this book is here, and you know it's open, it's open for public opinion, and you need people to buy it and you don't really know how to do that, and you also, like will face disappointments in terms of people in your life not supporting you, and people in your life yeah, not really showing up for you at a big moment and not buying copies or you know, not saying congratulations or like small things.

I was saying to someone the other day, like you know the the quote that's like you know who your real friends are when you have a baby, you also know who your real friends are when you write a book, because I don't know.

I feel like I'm the kind of friend where people do cool things like that.

I'm like really all behind it.

And it was interesting seeing how big things for you don't necessarily translate to big things for other people.

So I think if I had been in a better mental state and hadn't had a big health scare rite before my book came out, I would have been able to let those things go a little bit better.

But it was a real struggle.

So there was like a weird low point high point where I was like, Wow, huge career milestone.

Also like, oh my god, what is going on in life?

This is when I want to talk about how things get better.

Like the theme of this episode is things get worse before they get better.

Things could have gotten a whole lot worse to me.

Let's be completely real, Like, honestly, what I was going through is nothing compared to what so many people around the world are going through right now.

But things got worse, and then slowly these changes started in my life, and I felt like I had been in this waiting room.

I felt like I had gone through like the dark night of the soul as they call it.

And suddenly someone like opened the door and was like, all right, cool, you've like done enough, Like you've sat here for long enough, we can tell you can take it.

Welcome to the next chapter of your life.

And I want to spend the next part of this episode talking about what that felt like and how grateful I am for where I am now and what it is that I'm grateful for.

So stick around, stay with me.

I want to tell you why it always gets better.

So this was the first thing that transformed my life and has gotten me out of a very dark period.

I fostered a dog, and you guys might know that that foster is no longer my foster dog.

It's now my actual dog.

But I started out fostering this dog her name is Tyloe, because I saw her on the RSPCA website and I just don't know what it was.

I was like, I need to help this dog.

I need her in my life, like I have space, I have capacity, I have time, I have well, my house at the time did not allow dogs, but whatever I got around that, Like I just felt this calling to go and rescue her.

And we brought her home and within like two days, me and my partner Tom were like, oh, oh, like really really screwed up here, because this dog is the biggest sweetheart.

She is so smart, she is so kind, She just so wants to be loved, and she just so wants to be part of the pack.

And we said to each other, we have to we have to give it three months before deciding, and if nobody has adopted her in three months, we can consider it.

That did not last very long.

We adopted her after a month, and there's just something around having a dog that changes your perspective.

It makes you so much more selfless, it makes you more patient, you see life through it through their eyes.

I feel like I'm rehashing what so many other people have discovered, but oh my lord, it was just so glorious getting like waking up every single morning, I wake up and I have to take her outside and I have to take her for a walk.

And it's meant that I'm outdoors more and I have to do these things for her, even if I don't want to, even if I'm busy, even if I'm in a bad mood.

Life has become about her.

And honestly, I think that it was the just not the distraction, but I think it was the thing I needed to get myself out of my ego.

Like I feel like I was really investing in this like idea of myself as like being being like suffering, and I was like, oh, life is really hard and I'm trying my best and it's not working.

And then I rescued her and her history is so terrible, like she yeah, was really badly abused, and then was removed, like was forcibly removed, like someone came in and rescued her, and then the people who they rescued her from like took took the RSPCA to court and wanted to get her back and like so that meant she had to stay in the pound for a year before she was even allowed to go out of the pound and do visits and stuff.

And I don't know, I was just like, wow, my life could be so much worse, and here is thisautiful animal, this beautiful creature who you know has a burn on her nose and is missing teeth and had such a hard start, and she freaking loves life and she is like down to play, and every moment that she is allowed, like to roll around in the grass, is a beautiful moment.

And breakfast is the best thing of every day.

And she wakes up and gets twenty minutes of cuddles in the bed because of course we're such SOFTI as we allow her in the bed, and it's just really transformative.

And now I keep saying to people like, if you struggle with socializing, if you struggle with feeling optimistic about life, if you struggle to see the joy and little things, foster a dog.

If you can't adopt a dog, foster a dog or adopt a dog and just see how it completely changes your life.

Obviously, like make sure that you are in a good space.

Like I feel like we didn't rush into it.

We were really concentrated around like can we have a pet right now?

And it just happened to work out.

But the introduction of her into my life, I honestly feel like was a gift from the universe.

Then I started seeing a new therapist, and that was also incredible, because I feel like I was getting really stuck with my old therapist.

She was amazing, but I just felt like I had reached It sounds weird, I'd reached what I was willing to share with her.

And I was so deeply worried about being triggered actually, and about a therapist saying something that I hadn't considered in really upsetting me.

That I wasn't revealing anything more to her.

And I felt like because I hadn't revealed things to her in the past, that she would like call me out for almost lying, like saying that I was okay when I wasn't.

So I needed to frushlate And so I went and I started seeing a new therapist.

An existential therapist who has just been freaking amazing and has really just revealed to me how so much of what I struggle with is just a fear of the unknown, and so much of what I struggle with is just just my brain working differently.

And I also have started running.

I just I'm just going to leave that there.

I felt like my life was becoming very much an obsession with work and an obsession with how much more I could do.

You know, I was doing I'm still doing the Psychology of your Twenties.

I was also doing Mantra, my other podcast where there were more spiritual discussions going on, and I love them both so much, but it is a lot to put your brain into, Like it is a lot of mental energy to create two things that you really love and promote a book and do all these other activities as well.

And I needed something else.

And so my friend Sarah, I was at the park one day and she was running and I ran into her and she was like, do you just want to run with me for a little bit, And I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do that.

Ever since then, I've got the bug.

I've got the freakin' bug, and I've been posting about it on my personal Instagram a lot, and you guys have been like, what the heck, how come you are suddenly running fifteen kilometers when you used to say you hated running.

It's because I've been going slow, going super slow.

I started like, I started at a pace that was probably like a walk or a jog, and now I feel like I'm actually running, and I feel like through running as well, I've also been really testing my limits.

I've been testing my ability to persevere and to endure, and I've showed myself how strong I am.

And I've taught myself patience, and I've taught myself like consistency.

There's just all these discoveries that I'm having around the meaning of life that I'm figuring out through such simple acts, through moving my body in a way that so many other people have done for centuries, through sharing a bond with an animal, through connecting with people, through having new discussions, and I just finally feel like I'm out of this really dark cloud.

Also, it's just been so wonderful to see how many of you have been reading my book and how many of you are lading and resonating with it.

I think it's been a while since I've really appreciated that I'm doing meaningful work.

I think that I can be a little bit too self deprecating.

Tell me if you're the same where I'm like, if I acknowledge that I'm good at what I do, or that I care about what I do, or that maybe I have something to say, people are going to immediately cut me down for that, or that's entitlement or it will be taken away from me.

The moment that you feel, I guess, not grateful, but the moment that you take something for granted, or that you assume that you're good at something, or you assume that something is safe, it will be up in the air.

And I just have been reminded that that's not the case, that there are people who really want you to succeed, and that it's okay to just say, like, I'm good at this thing, and I care about this, and I put a lot of work into it, and I'm proud of it.

That's not bragging.

That's not even a humble brag.

That's just talking about the thing that you care about.

I think all of this is just to say that I'm learning so much and I'm constantly being reminded that there is a lot of darkness in the world and life is really painful sometimes, but you will come out on the other side and that you have handled it all.

I'm grateful for the fact that this last year hasn't been amazing internally, because every single day now that I wake up and I feel good, it's this weird thing of like, oh my gosh, like wow, what a great day, What a great day.

I've been having just like incredible days, And I don't know how to express it, but I guess the whole purpose of this was just really to give you a story that makes you feel optimistic about your future, and just to give you the story of the last year of my life that makes you feel that if you're going through some similar you don't feel like you're always going to be here.

And maybe you've heard that a million times before.

Maybe you've heard the sentiment life gets worse before it gets better.

It's not always gonna last time heals a million times over.

But I think when there's a personal story attached to it, it really gives us hope.

And when I was going through it, I guess I'm still in the tail end of going through it.

I just wanted to hear stories of people having hard times and in persevering and knowing that you can change your mindset, you can change the way you think about your problems.

You can get yourself unstuck, will see a better day, You will have hope again, you will have belief again.

And I don't know, it's just been a really, really nice feeling.

And as I'm recording this, I am about to go to Fiji with my mom and with my auntie and with my cousin for our girls trip.

And this time last year, I was in Bali for our girl's trip last year, and I spent that whole trip basically crying and having panic attacks and just feeling so awful and so heavy and uncomfortable in my brain.

And now I'm going into this trip one year later feeling not amazing, but pretty remarkable, and feeling transformed and feeling like I've kind of, I don't know, I've kind of built a new part of my armor.

I don't know.

It sounds like a cliches and cheesy, but that's really what I wanted to talk about today.

And thank you so much to you guys for supporting me.

I don't know, if you've even noticed if anything's been different.

Maybe you've noticed some more like existential themes in recent episodes, but that's really where it's coming from.

And I'm hoping that I get a clean bill of health very very soon, or that at least I have an answer as to what's going on in my freaking brain and with my freaking eyeball.

But I'm optimistic and I feel like life is good.

I feel good, Take the good days, love one another, foster a dog.

There you go.

That's my life advice.

But until next time, make sure you are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast.

Thanks for sticking around for this life update.

Tell me how you're going in the comments.

Make this a two ways straight.

I feel like I just dumped a lot of information on you.

If you've made it this far, wow, thank you for enduring all of that.

And also, yeah, I want to hear what's been happening with you as well.

How we feeling out of town?

What's the emoji that best represents your life?

Right now?

Make sure you are following along, make sure that you have left us a five star review if you feel cold to do so, and remember to take care of yourself.

Remember life gets better.

Remember it is all.

It's not always meant to be great, and it's not always going to be great, but it's always gonna end up amazing.

Until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself.

We will talk very very soon.