Welcome bird, beardless dick lets me.

I'm Kevin Smith, and I'm Harley Quinn Smith.

I'm Chuckles.

Me and Chuckles are fucking gathering together for the second the.

Last time ever home for home recording ever.

Look at you to hold on to life.

You're like the home.

There's more.

You're what stage of death bargaining?

Is that what this is?

I'm making a deal with the devil as we speak, A can't It's gonna fucking it that you.

Can't stop it.

I'm ending well, you know who good at our heart and they were the ones that came up with the idea, let's end it.

You know what, from the fucking ashes, we will rise.

It's like a fucking phoenix.

Wait until you see the next show.

Kids, it's gonna be good.

Oh you're gonna be like, I can't believe they didn't do this first.

Idiots, beardless dickless idiots.

We really we were, but we aren't there.

This means that if you were like, hey, I'm a dicklet what am I going to do?

Who will I be?

Your identity is up in the air now.

That's true.

Just like how when we did vegan Abatua back in the day we left them all a little lurch.

We really did.

We really left them hanging.

And our vegan Abatua fans we referred to as abatuats over that attz amongst ourselves privately, I'm home at least sucking at Yeah, sadly if you're a dick lit or maybe you're like, look, I'm a completionist, like I like something that ends.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Like sometimes like fucking I can get a comic book series going back in the day and you're like, fuck, man, like just should ended it like two years ago?

Shit, this is going out in our prime re not a court and Ieheart but not Nightheart's Eye, but perhaps not our advertising prime.

We are we're going out right when we should.

We are, and and it's led to something that will be so much more satisfying.

Oh yeah, like on so many levels for you, the audience, for us.

Yeah yeah, like like literally literally you're like sitting there going what is it?

We'll tell you now.

We have two more.

Home shows, this one and then one more.

We have one more home show.

We're living the second lasm.

We're in it right now.

Oh my god, tick around my mind skills, let me come in.

If you were watching the show at that Kevinsmith club dot com, which I'm going to promote the funk out of now used to be a little more like, well maybe we should give room diehard.

No you weren't.

You were like, it's like, go fuck yourself.

If you're watching the show, you could see me do my fucking mime act.

And it's pretty good, pretty solid.

I'm just putting one hand up another now, just dancing a dance.

But yeah, man, it is the next home show is the last home show.

Say goodbye to this fucking room.

It will no longer be the podcasting room.

And I'll going it again.

Are you fucking serious?

I don't say it like that.

The fuck ew I am.

I gonna cry.

You'll be in here again.

We're gonna use it for something else.

This is my childhood home.

I think I'll be here again.

Good point.

I was recounting with your mother at one point today.

Every once in a while I go down like a family rabbit hole, talking about my family, and her eyes glazed over and stuff.

But I was talking about know how I stayed home like with Grace and Don until I was like twenty three.

I didn't move out until we made Clerks.

I was living at my parents' house when I made Clerks, And let's be honest, it's the only way Clerks would have happened if I had to like pay a rent out in the real world like a real person and shit, Like one of my you know, my peers, they moved on right, they went to college, right, and so my college, you're kind of done with college by twenty one, twenty two.

So like they were in the real world apartments, working like jobs and shit, and I was still like fucking doing convenience stores.

And I remember people that I went to school with would come in periodically to the convenience store and there was you know, I never felt this, but clearly like I was not doing well.

I wasn't doing poorly, but like these motherfuckers were like, you know, I working in hotel management, I fucking have a plumbing business and shit, And I was like, oh, I work at the quick stop.

Wasn't that?

So it was I couldn't have made that movie unless I was living home as long as I was, which was longer than my siblings.

They got the fuck out right after high school, and shit, I mind living with Momily and Popoly and so.

Only seems like a good roommate.

She wasn't.

Mamily was.

I adore Momily and I just got back.

From a Momily trip.

I'll tell you all about after Harley tells you all about her surprise engagement party.

But Momily was I Momily is like my hero and she's I love her death.

That being said, I have conveniently put away how challenging Momily was when I lived at the house, because this was this you you you know, you meet fucking sweet Momily who's like Harley Harley Cooky.

I lived with the Momily who was like I was like, mom I'm going to see a movie with Walter and Brian and it was like ten o'clock at night, and she was like, all right, well, if you do, you're gonna find your comic books on the floor when you get home.

No good reason, Momaly.

Momily knew my weak spots.

And I was like, I just go out to Brian Walter and be like, am I going to the movies and the like yeah, right, get in the cars, like no, seriously, my mom said that my comics will be on the floor, and they they were like, you know, to be fair, I was like they were Brian Walter, like two three years older than me.

Really, yeah, they we weren't in the same braid or anything, so you know, and they had different relationships with their mothers than I had with mine.

Not like fucking better or worse, just different.

I was under thumb, you know, the fucking you know, the relationship I have with the landlord upstairs, imagine that.

But she's my mom.

Well, I didn't make up the old adage every boy marries his mother.

Oh god, I tell that to your fucking fiance man, Oh my god, Like wait a second, so yeah, no shit, so mom only you know she I lived with her until I was twenty three, and as I pointed out to Jennifer, like Harley did kind of the same thing.

And that's when we got into this hole.

When did she move out?

It was twenty two, all right, So he beat me by a year.

Yeah, it's not contest, and neither is fucking trauma.

You did get out, like by twenty two, into your own house, and twenty three I was still there and I moved out before like we made clerks.

But then I moved out and I moved in with Scott's sister Kristen up North Jersey for a while, and then we went to Sundance and everything changed and stuff.

And then after Sundance I got my own like condo and stuff.

Welcome post clerks condo, the.

Post clerk's condo life.

My life breaks down into two eras.

Yeah, I know, BC before clerks ad ad after.

Dante said, with such resident pride, like so clever father, let me lay it out for them.

I love this witticism of yours.

Instead, you're just like, oh, you're like a Catholic kid doing a rosary, Hail Mary, full of Jesus.

Amen.

That's how we used to rifle to them clerks.

Not in my that's you.

In my world, it's like mah blah blah blah blah clerks, blah blah blah blah clerks, blah blah clerks.

There's a clerk over a clerk in style and place, there's a clerks.

Oh that's the quick stuff.

Please.

There's a boy genius director over stop base.

There's a boy outside of artists would change the world and become an icon over at the convention.

Convention all right, Oh my.

God, real quick.

I gave out an award.

Don't laugh, don't laugh.

I don't know where this is going.

I gave out an award this weekend for an organization, the young I got an invite that said, would you like to present for the Young Artist Academy Awards, And I was like, oh my god, of course anything for the Academy.

I'm an Academy member in good standing since nineteen ninety seven, happy to do it.

And young people they always need a boost, next generation coming out, and it's being held at the DJA.

Of course it's an academy thing.

Thank you.

Even know my eyes.

Interesting that they're not having it at the Academy, but whatever, I'm sure DJ is just fine.

It was not an academy organization, like not you know, the Academy that I belonged to with Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

It was the Young Artists Academy that had an awards show that.

It was the Young Artist Academy Awards, or perhaps a better way to put it would have been the Awards for the Young Artist Academy.

But of course you want to be as you want to hone as close to the glamour because it was.

I'll tell you it was delightful sitting in the audience.

They put up a tutorial.

I don't know if they do this at the actual academy, they should how to get your fucking award.

There was a little cartoon like drawings, not a full cartoon, but drawings about like when you get up, make sure you think your management to your parents.

Sure, blah blah blah.

There are other people winning awards, so you know, do this, keep it within a minute.

And then I could stop over here to get a photo and stuff like that.

And then there was some like, uh, you know, before you, before you allow, before you agree to have your photo taken, make sure they're wearing a Young Artist Academy badge.

Oh wow, which was a kind of like you.

Know, okay, settle down, look out for.

Lookout for pedals and ship Jesus, That's what it was.

They're like, hey, man like, because anybody could come in and be like, oh, I'm a youn do a young star.

Oh my god, I gotta be careful, you know what I'm saying.

So there was something and it wasn't like look out for petals, but there was something that in the midst of the intro was very like never no it was never leave the premises with a stranger, which is something I whenever I go to an adult function at the DJA.

They're not like, well, theme to the Director's Guild of America, we hope you have a pleasant evening and never leave the DGA with stranger.

Maybe they should say it, you know what, you're wrong.

I bet you A lot of people are like going to bars like I hope I leave the DJA with a stranger tonight.

That's so true.

Actually, it's just I would say it's a scary place.

Though I have success in my career, but I don't have love.

I hope I meet somebody at the DJA.

Sad.

That was my haunted Hollywood face, which you could see if you were watching on that Kevin Smith Club, What are you waiting for us?

Two episodes left?

They're like, that's.

Why why now I know?

But take the ride?

Yeah, watch a year's worth.

Man's true.

I was reminded by our biggest fan that she's still listening.

She was just like, I'm not the only person that listens to your show.

Kevin is Virginia.

Oh, I know, I think you are.

To be honest, I believe we're just doing the show for you at this point.

I believe it's just a wonderful sometimes Mamally every once.

In a while Virginia's around, she'll play for Mommily.

And stuff, so occasionally too.

Let' tell you something last night, Momily, you know, mom ly seventy nine and whatnot.

So there tends to be some repetition.

So, you know, we're seeing the news cycle and uh, She's like, who's Jeffrey Epstein?

And I was like, Oh, he's a terrible man.

Mine went to jail for all this stuff.

And what happened to that son of a bitch?

He committed suicide in prison, but some people believe that he was killed.

Good ten minutes later, what happened in the son of a Bitch again?

Is he still in jail?

He went to jail, mom but then he allegedly committed suicide, but a lot of people think that he was killed, you know, by whatever, the powerful forces that didn't want information in Now she's like, oh, son of a bitch, I'm glad he's dead.

Watching more like, oh my god, I can't believe this guy.

Is he still in jail, Momily?

Oh?

Man?

So I was like, mom, so it's you know, it's the age it happens where it's just like you.

Gotta put a little sign up.

That's like, I don't forget he is.

Which, to be fair, I don't want to be hanging Jeffery Epstein's signs in my mom's Floridian home, you know what I'm saying, seventy nine years old.

But she was so like interested in it that I was like, well, the whole story.

I think they laid it out in like a Netflix mini series years ago, which I remember.

At one point I asked her Monds, like you want to watch She's like, fuck, no, fuck that guy.

So I never watched it.

So Mamila is like, let's watch it.

Which we started at ten o'clock at night, oh man, and finally wrapped up at three in the morning.

And she was riveted.

She was.

She didn't fall asleep or nothing.

That's that's what I was waiting for.

I was as soon as she fucking falls asleep, I'm gonna go back to watching Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Momy's like a full time She kept like leaning forward and sh she would shake off the sleep because it's it is a horrifying story.

Oh my god, it's.

So she was dialed the fuck in and so each I'm one of the episode ends because like a five parter.

I was like, you do you want to keep going?

She's like, oh my god, how do we You know she could not because they end each one.

So we watched that horrible ship till three in the morning and then I was like, well, Mama, leave it six for the airport and stuff, and she was like no.

She got very emotional.

It was very fuch, momily.

What what a roller coaster of emotions of one night.

All over the place.

But I'm honestly shocked this morning.

She wasn't like we wrap that, mom, Yes, did you tell me tiger wirewalf?

Tell me what.

That son of a bitch epsy.

But it was a lovely visit with my mom.

I popped down to Florida forty eight hours.

I haven't seen her since Mother's Day.

And then I had like the dog metory and went to can and ship like that, and then I tore her with the jay.

So I got to go hang out with her and I took her to play pinball.

Last time.

I took her to deezer Land, but play video games.

It's actually called that.

There's a place called deezer Land and it's a car museum, over two thousand cars from movies and shit like that big like bugs, Bunny Mobile.

It's kind of cool.

That's pretty cool.

They got a life size, realistic looking mater out front from Cars.

My mom's like, that car has eyes.

I was like, Mom, that's like the Pixar Mater.

She's like, from Cars, I.

Love, Momblely that car has spies.

She So we went there and played.

They had an old pinball room where you pay like fifteen bucks an hour and you roll some fucking silver ball and shit.

But all their machines were kind of older on the older side, which was fun to see some cool old machines.

But like, yeah, I was like tomorrow, Mom, we're gonna go.

We're gonna find a different place.

And I found a place called Arcade Monsters on International Drive.

You used to it looked like it used to be maybe a fucking cheeky showgun steakhouse or something shit.

But inside now she's just fucking gutted and it's nothing but games, games, games, and their thing is like not like David Busters, where it's like go get a card and fill it up and scam you pay one price thirty bucks.

You could stay all fucking day and do whatever you want.

All the games.

Play any fucking game.

Is it all pinball?

It was everything?

It was a video games.

Momily was playing a shooting game like it was a dead eye.

She was like, let's do it again.

She loved because the gun had recoil and shit, and you were breaking bottles.

It wasn't even like animals or something.

It was like you break bottles and can She would never shoot sucking an animal and stuff, but her sister like wielded a gun.

She was a detective.

Yeah, Butily just glad nobody ever gave Momaly a gun.

She was a dead eye.

Thank god.

Played some of that ship, play some pinball?

Did they have.

Old timey fucking what is that game?

Which they never?

Fucking I put money down and I never got that fucking game.

That's so that's crazy.

I did.

I put money down.

He ordered an entire arcade game and it never for Harley's.

It was a birthday gift, I believe.

Wasn't it like Christmas?

Yeah?

And it was a game that we used to play at Castle Castle Park and it was like, you know, you fucking push aving and it pops a ball.

It was kind of like ski ball in a cage.

And it's Jurassic themes, Yeah, Jurassic theme.

And it had a very simple, constantly playing theme the moment you started the game and went do so, I put money down that free and I never got that.

Fucking that's actually pretty concerning.

The follow up on that.

It's been three years.

Times must be financially tight if you're looking for money from fucking three years ago.

But mamally played some games.

But the pinball game is good for because she needs to like hold onto something.

It's almost like fucking wheelchair or walker height.

So she was like, you know, fucking working with this, my here to flippers and shit, And you know she was she knew pinball, She knew pinball before I fucking knew pimball and shit.

But I never played pinball with my mom growing up.

We didn't play video games with her, pinball or anything like that.

One time, when I was a kid, we had this like arcade center three and one game thing where one was a side was a driving game, one game was one side of it was pong.

It's triangular shape, and one was a gun.

He shot like old Western targets on screen really like basic graphics.

But you know, and I remember her liking the Driving Game, but generally she didn't fuck with any of that shit.

So I got to see her play pinball, and her pinball is hysterical because the moment the ball launches, it is a NonStop monologue of her going.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

No no no no no no no no no.

No no no no no, no, no no no.

Monkey's uncle.

And then you ready, mam, Yeah, launched the ball.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no, no no no.

And then the one flipper on the right side, she flips and leaves it up the whole time, and so oh man, it was adorable.

But she was like way into it.

And later on she was like, on the end of the hand eye coordination, that's that's good for me.

I was like, you know, pinball's good for everybody.

Was she well, not if she kept one of them the whole time, but was she a double flipper?

She was a double flipper, but he kept it.

Yes, the second flipper, the right Flipper just stayed up the whole time.

It was adorable.

All right, never mind all that.

So that's why I was in Florida.

But last weekend, the shock of a lifetime.

I was partied to a deception.

Oh my god.

Yes, I still can't believe it to this day now.

For those who've been following the show and that I'm talking to my sister, the you know Harley.

Yeah, everyone, in a while, Momily Harley got engaged.

When was that?

What month?

I think it was March?

Well also just.

I guess that people don't remember when they got engaged.

It's like wedding anniversarys.

Also, just really quick side note.

Remember when we were gonna call the show Mamally's Homicide.

Yeah, excellent name.

We'd still have a show.

Our heart wouldn't have canceled this if we were Momaly's Homicides.

So true.

Anyways, Yes, got engaged in March.

So Harley got engaged in March, and we told the story on the podcast.

She did and it was romantic and all that shit and lieu of giving her like an engagement party.

We took her in Austin to France.

They went to Cana and then we sent him to Spain and ship so we were like, you know, trade off.

It was amazing.

Then Harley's besties were like, can we have a surprise engagement party here?

And I was like, they didn't ask me to ask jen right, and I was I'm Jennifer asked me.

They want to They want to have Olivia and may I want to have a surprise engagement party for And I was like here She's like yeah.

I was like, all right, are we paying for it?

And she goes, no, we know not at all.

And then she got involved.

It became missus party plan.

So it became her party.

I mean, the girls definitely did, but.

She was like deeply she loves a party and.

It was in her house, so of course, and so you know, she was And to be fair, She's was the one that was like, let's go get Nana and shit like that.

Like the moment like if they'd ask me, I've been like, do I have to do anything?

Like no, I'd have fun.

I'll keep it quiet, I don't say anything and shit.

But so we got we wound up being more involved inasmuch as we were part of the surprise and we had to get her here and there was a sub defuse to get Harley here.

Oh my god.

So the you know, Jennifer was just like what do we say?

And I was like, just tell her that, like I've got a I said, give me your phone.

I took her phone and then I just shot a video where was like, kiddo, you got to come over and take a picture with me and the pinball game.

Because what'd I say?

Like he said that I got it for a discount because I told the guy that I would film a video with you because he was our fans.

I bought it two days ago when I still haven't sent it, so you need to come over now.

But also days before that, there was a plan to go to Crossroads for dinner.

Yes, and Mom said you have to come see dad's new pinball machine.

That was mom setting the setting the table.

Yeah, and she never really we don't really make plans that far in advance.

I would say, were you suspicious?

Well, I wasn't suspicious, but I was kind of like, they're.

Going to sit me down and tell me they're getting divorced.

Oh god, what were you did you You weren't like this must be an engagement party, but you were like, why is she planning this while.

In advance, well, I was just like hmm okay, But then I thought like Nan and Pop would maybe be there, so maybe it was just like planning it in advance for them or something.

I don't know.

But then the day came and Christmas, Austin and I were like, can we just see the pinball machine after dinner?

Yeah?

I don't text to Jen and maybe me as well to be like, hey, like, can we just meet at crossroads?

Because to be fair, crossroads is closer to them than then coming all the way to our house and then driving.

It made no sense.

A person who was always late, it made no sense.

I was like, if you want me to be on time, I should just go to the.

Restaurant, which sound logic so long as you don't know there's a surprise engagement party waiting and that crossroads is not the ultimate destination.

I had absolutely no clue.

I had no clue.

That's when the subterfuge came in, because it's like, we gotta get over it.

And that's when Jim was like, she's not coming.

She says you can come later, and so then I sent the video and I was I was not like, you get your bucking ass over it.

But I was like, kiddo, I gotta send this fucking video man, Like I've got the pinball table a couple of days ago, and he's already been waiting and Bubba and he's a huge fan of Perialistic so we got to do this.

And she just sent back the very passive aggressive yes, your generation so much, just.

Like because I was like, why are they being crazy?

I don't understand why?

I just can't do this.

Still at that point, you're not like, no, I still was a party on my behind.

No why, I no clue whatsoever.

When you pull up, so you know, the whole house fills up upstairs, got how many people twenty thirty people up there, thirty thirty people, and you know everyone's fucking in a party mood, right, they're already drinking, fucking getting shit going, food's already out and whatnot.

So there's a lot of chatter.

So I'm on the deck looking down the street, up and down the street in case she comes from the different direction and ship, keeping an eye on for when you know, I'm playing chicky, I'm looking at as soon as I see that car come up, I'm like, everybody shit, forgot and everybody went quiet.

Shit.

We saw you on the deck and which were like it and you and Mom were on the deck in Austin and I were like, what the.

Fuck is going see she shouldn't.

Have been on well.

We were just like, why are they being so anal today about.

The time and still you're not like no.

I even saw Olivia's car parked in front and it didn't even occur.

I was, I was going to be my next question, did you not notice not never mind Olivia's car.

All the cars I did, I literally did.

It was one spot open for you, I know, and everything was jammed.

I just I saw Olivia's car, but I was like, oh, someone else has Olivia's car.

And then I saw we saw you on the deck and before we got out of the car Austin, I looked at each other and we're like.

What I stayed on right now?

Hell?

It was so strange.

Mom like quick Brandonside'd be like, get I knew she was going to give it up.

It wasn't given up.

You seeing her up there made it even more like, what the fuck's going on?

I just saw you guys were being crazy about the time.

So we got the dogs wearing these fucking collars made of flowers.

So cute, very cute, and so we had them upstairs with us.

So the kids come in downstairs, and you know, it takes a red hot minute to get up to the top floor, and then we're all I set up a camera on the table.

I put up the video online and you could see them like come up, and pretty early on you see the table and you're like, what's going on.

I saw the table and I was like, whose birthday?

And then I saw the phone and I was like, Oh, what's going on here?

I must have felt very like like a jigsaw.

It was pretty crazy, like there's just a.

Phone recording it on a table that's laid out perfectly, and not a soul in sight.

It's like, hello, welcome, stranger.

Sit at the table and followed the instruction, and then.

Bird just passes by in a flower crown, and.

Bird crept out from behind the wall like wear and it looks like something out of a ring video or something like that.

Not a ring video, the ring, that movie of Old and Ship where she just steps out creepily in the hallway.

It looks like a found footage, like Haunted House video.

It was.

It did remind me though, of like when we got engaged and Austin was like, oh, your family doesn't know, and I was like, what my mom doesn't know?

And this is the worst name.

I face got face this and the record.

I would not have been like mad.

You weren't who I was concerned about.

It was the landlord.

But then but then we got here and we got upstairs and you guys were all waiting and there was cake, and that was.

For your engagement.

Yes, so it was actual engaged.

It was reminding me of that.

And also you probably weren't thinking engagement party.

Kids, it's been since you've gotten engaged.

My engagement party was freaking going to France.

I didn't count on your bodies.

Oh my god, it was so beautiful.

You seemed genuinely shocked and touched.

I was so touched.

I was so shocked.

I the biggest shock of my life thus far.

I would have to say, I.

Not the engagement party, honestly, I think this far.

You're like I was expecting that sooner or later, but no, but this.

Party was actually the shock of a lifetime and turning the corner.

At first I saw you a mom and I was like huh, and then Olivia and Maya stepped out and I was like ah.

And then I turned the corner and like fucking Jesner Milton's there, and I'm like what.

And then you turn the other corner and there's like a fucking bed with an upside down cross hanging over a candles all around it, and we're all like, fucking It's like Rosemary's Baby.

That's it, and that's what happened Wet the Devil, and that was how the night went.

Harley meet PL's above and Austin's like, what about me?

Bro?

What am I doing here to the Devil?

My daughter?

Austin's like, we so, I'm off the hook here?

What does that mean?

Run By Tonight?

She lose very seventies movie.

I have seen it.

Well, yeah, I mean, are.

You saying Rosemary's Baby?

I referenced Rosemary's Baby, and absolutely, I'm definitely liberally taking from it.

But the whole scenario, I was saying, it's a very seventies Nobody would make that movie today.

There's a time in the seventies when they were like the fucking Devil.

Everyone's like nowadays.

Nowadays, like the Devil walks.

Yeah, devil's like the Double.

Fucking Someone told me to hold his beer and then showed me what true evil was.

I feel kind of silly.

I thought I was the literal prinds of darkness.

But good God, worse than the Double.

Anyways, So your party lasted till like one in the morning.

We were there for the surprise, and then we fucked off.

Downstairs they had the whole I saw a lot of toilet paper.

Because there was a a wedding trailet paper bride where they call it toilet paper bride or.

Tissue paper wedding dress.

Is the toilet paper bride was the name of that story that came.

I can't say.

Who got dressed up.

They rapped was in partners of two, So who you partnered up with?

Austin and I were the judges.

So you didn't have to mummy up.

No observed who won the cut and little cocks?

Just that?

What?

Who who won?

I believe our friends Ben and Taylor one and then.

Taylor as in fucking.

From the the tenth wy farted.

It'll happen and smells you love walky.

You gotta take all of her?

Oh oh, oh god, I hope it stays over there because I don't want to think about walking in that way.

That was it's not like trash.

Well, she had a pupcake like rotten back to uh.

I mean, she don't eat what's on the ground.

We went back to the farmer's market and we went back to the dog bakery.

Al'tost taste it right, So she had three three pupcakes.

Two of them are brownie style.

Can She's like, he's smelling my Barnes.

Don't embarrass her.

She's such a she's older, she's like the dogs at this point.

It's true.

The bird look a bird.

Somebody asked me.

They were like, oh, they were like, oh, they're you know, whenever they see him together, like a's adorable.

And I always explain that it's mother and daughter.

You're very proud when you when you get to lay that out because they're like, what's going on here?

You know?

One so small.

They never asked that, They asked mom and daughter.

They just assumed that, oh, well, daughter means puppy.

So she's still a puppy.

No, no puppy.

She's just really small, which I'm like totally cool with.

She's a miniature German shepherd was.

A miniature doction.

We got ourselves a miniature German shepherd because let me tell you something, the little farther behind you, she's a maximum German shepherd.

There, fucking she is just like.

Could not could not be more.

She's like gooden dog.

Wucky wucky walky.

So anyways, a party was gorgeously decorated.

It was the theme was wuck be a waited to die.

Waited ton.

Wk if you ever were a birdie to begin with waited?

Why was it card or Vegas themed?

What what was that all about?

I was puzzling me and your mother.

I had I think it's just a cute theme.

But I did, like a week before be like we should go to Vegas, and so it could have been it could have been that interesting.

I would have been like, just make a bunny themed.

She likes bunny, she likes fucking cat.

Just bunny and cat theme.

Honestly, it occurred to me that.

Make sure you got vodka yellow shots, because she likes to get fucked up.

I can't even have jello.

Well, no gelatin could be made.

Without jelis hoof, there's no.

There's no vegan gelatin yet.

There is I believe there is how we get rich.

If you see a whole fill it.

Because let me tell you something about jello.

Fifty sixty, maybe one hundred years they've been selling this shit.

People still buy it.

People have no idea what it is.

They eat ll oh, it comes from pigs.

Hooves, right, it comes from so many different horble horrible thing.

But they can't replicate this in the being vegan style yet, Like what what I mean?

It's like, I mean, there are vegan gummy candies, so and those gummy candies usually contain gelatin, so there has to be some sort of I don't think I've ever seen a vegan.

Jello though, watch Wiggle see it jiggle cool and fruity jello, brant gelatin.

We can't promote that on our show.

Do whatever we want.

Now we're at the end of this fucking rope.

Oh yeah, well, I'm not saying go buy it.

But although that song will make a lot of people my age go like, you know what, I want some Jello, I feel like I'm no, fucking jello is for losers.

There I said it, and that's what got has thrown off.

I heeart.

Shit.

Jello is when you can't commit to a real dessert, you might as well just ee whipped cream straight out the can, huff it while you're out.

Seen you do that many times.

Of course it's tasty.

You're talking to the son of a man who drank a peanut butter straight out the jar.

You do that also because he did it.

Here's my male role model.

I said, if dad, If dad could do it, it couldn't have for me.

Milk out of the carton, juice out of the carton, peanut butter out of the Do you not drink.

Your juice out of your carton when you're in your fridge?

Me poured into a glass?

Yeah, this man, isn't that's your kicking in here?

Like fuck fancy?

What was it like getting on one of the first lifeboats off the Titanic?

Richie rich Wow?

Wow, wee wow?

Did juice out of a glass like you're at Denny's or some said, ship, I just can't uncork that put it back in.

I couldn't.

I I'm not problem with protect them.

Maybe Austin guys, have you ever kissed?

No?

My god, this marriage is doomed, doomed.

It's been almost six years.

I'm just waiting.

There are fuckers that get to the altar without having kissed, never been kissed.

Could you imagine what if it was a horrible kiss, which like that would suck.

Most first ones aren't like fucking you know, nailed to learn the other person ship?

What happened at the party?

That?

Did you guys play Spin the bottle side of thing?

Still, we actually did not play Spin the Bottle.

You look at me like, I'm like, come on, dad, But meanwhile you said your generation fucks with Rocky Heart Picture Show.

Spin the Bottle predates Rocky Heart Picture Show, just like.

The engagement party.

I don't know if we're like playing a game that centers around kissing other people.

You know, I just told you I haven't even kissed Austin before.

I mean, is it because it takes the attention away from the No, because you were dressing up motherfuckers for in wedding gowns and you weren't the center of attention, You were just a judge.

I could see a fucking game Spin the bottle being at home in an engagement party.

I don't even know.

If I somebody could find their next the next engagement could have happen and I would support it, Olivia and Maya had asked me, I would have been like, spin the bottle, mandatory, mandatory, bigired kissing game, Oh my huge.

At parties you get arrested.

Mayan Olivia are like, I don't know why, but your dad really suggested that you that we all play spend the ball.

He told us a twenty minute story about how he never got to play Spin the Bottle at a party, so played it.

It would be in some way him completing a circle of life even though he wasn't playing and stuff.

He also suggested dental damns and said we should do Reynolds wrap when we kissed strangers.

He had a lot of rules really played out in his heads.

Started to weep and then he walk away.

It would be crap.

It'd be really creepy if he didn't crab walk away.

I think he was working a bit, but it was a little too honest to just be a bit.

He's working out a bit, yes, but he's also working out his life also.

I think he just dumped some trauma on us.

I don't I feel pretty dramatized.

I don't know what's going on.

What is I guess that when do is that high school parties they play spin the bottle.

Yeah, definitely, it's not like an adult thing.

I would say, no in the fucking like, are you guys all like liberal and bed hoppy and shit like that?

All right, we're not you guys.

You're in a relationship, but like, aren't most kids your age like not committing to engaged partners and whatnot?

Yes, what do they call that when you're not in a non committed relationship?

Is that what it's called or is there a better term of art for it?

Someone who's in a relationship with multiple people.

Open relationship so you can well open relationship, not meaning like you're married and you can fuck other people?

What is it called when you're dating more than one person?

Polyamorous but not like I'm fucking all of them?

Like, oh, and they're not like this one's boy, this.

One's girl seeing multiple people at once.

Yeah?

Is there a name for it?

Dad, take it back now, absolute dad.

It was a term of art from our childhood.

Oh my god.

What is the name of somebody that like, just I'm not again.

Not exclusively dating seeing other people?

Just I saw it on Instagram.

They called it a thing where it's number of people.

I mean hooking up as an old term, but like there was a term that was like this is what it's called now when you're like I guess maybe it was like you were in or No.

It wasn't a deceptive thing.

It was just like I'm.

Not closed off.

I don't know, I forget what it is, but it shows you exclusive.

Well, I mean I know that term, but that's not it.

It was something else.

It was like a new name for those that won't commit to a single partner, but not like.

On committal commitment issue.

It was I've never seen it before and it didn't immediately make sense where I was like, oh, of course that's what that would be.

It was something that had to be explained in the article and I.

Was like, uh, I don't know.

So anyways, we did not place in the bottle?

Then what did you do?

They created a Bingo card based on the guests at the party.

Okay, so each little thing was like, who is did I have a space?

You did?

Actually you did?

Oh my god, you should get texted me about to run upstairs and play Hi everybody.

Clarks Yours was Harley's co podcast.

Host I Got a.

Man, Got a Maine Jane.

Got a man.

And Pa and mom.

Fuck so everybody got a shout out.

M hmm, what were their shout outs?

I get podcast partner, not my child, my childhood and adulthood hero.

An, icon iconic father, iconic director appeals to the people of the nineties.

One might say h iconic anyway.

Pop Paus was ex ex police officer X cop.

He's like, thanks for reducing me down to my.

Job and also appreciate who the hell was this popfriend?

Like, no, Pop's her fucking grandfather?

Like whoa Byron?

Nana's was used to live in Hawaiian I have moved to Hawaii?

About Nana, Well, she moved there when she was a teenage.

She did totally.

But it is something she did, like literally fifty something years ago and stuff.

I can't remember what I could have went with.

Let's see what would have gone with for a clue, For Nana made Thanksgiving dinner four times a week for twenty years.

Damn it wasn't quite twenty There was There were so many what's for dinner Turkey and mashed potatoes.

And I was like, yeah, she really she did it up for you.

She did.

And when we all ate meat like it was like big bird and stuff.

But then she started getting smaller, like like a just a turkey breast because I was the only one, like a.

Thanksgiving and then you turned to the vegan side.

Do you remember the one Thanksgiving when I had the turkey press and you were like, oh.

Do I remember?

Do I remember me?

My name?

Father?

I was so mad and disappointed.

I was like, you can't give it up for one day while I'm here.

The Lord punished me.

I had a massive heart attack.

So you know what, I'm not gonna say you deserved it, but you.

Can see that the Lord works in mysterious ways.

And the Lord too is just like, You're right, Harley, watch this flicking.

I'm sorry, that's so sad.

Of all the things that probably gave me that heart attack, turkey not even on the list, I would imagine.

I mean, it's on the list, for sure, but.

You sure it's not an artery cleaner.

Beef is above it.

All meat contributes to artery blockage.

Even foul chicken, your turkey, your squab.

You know what squap is?

Squab?

Do you do?

You know what squab is?

Technically?

Not technically, but I mean it's a.

It's a poultry dish of so it's a bird.

But do you know what bird it is?

Because squab is a fancy name for a very common pigeon.

Yes, squab is literally fucking pigeon.

Could you imagine.

What's the difference between a pigeon and a turkey?

Not a lot to some connoisseur, is absolutely fucking nothing.

To me, though, a pigeon sacred.

Skyrats I don't think of them.

Is that.

I think of them as the heroes of World War One.

Pigeons carrier pigeons.

That's how we got messages back and forth, and she liked that they were a big part of the war effort.

I love a pigeon.

A skyrot is not a diss.

Love a pigeon if you want to.

But you damn skippy better salute a fucking pigeon.

You damn skippy better show your respect.

No fucking daughter of mine is not going to salute a pigeon.

Can you imagine you on your Bengo card.

It's like constantly salutes pigeons due to childhood trauma.

I was like, I got another mention.

I go to New York with some friends and I can't saluting the pigeons.

My friends are like, why are you doing this?

They're like, we were going to go to the met gala, but she just would not leave Central.

Park until she saluted every pigeon.

In the library steps and wherever we went.

You have no idea how many pigeons are in New York until you go there with someone who insists on saluting each one.

Why was she saluting them because of World War whatever?

Her fucking silly bill, dad whatever, Fox said something to her, Oh my god, what more can you say about the party?

Who hooked up?

Any hookups?

Would anybody be like, did anybody hook up who hadn't hooked up at the before?

They all they were all there as couples.

Not no one actually hooked up at the party.

There could have been romance in the air.

Here.

I'll tell you a story about I know another listener to the show because he was very fucking unhappy when he heard that the show was coming to an end, and then I told him to plan afterwards.

He was like, that's fine.

Brian Lynch, Brian Lynch first kissed his wife, who like runs fucking lucasfilm.

Now she's the one who makes like the Mandalorian, Ahsoka and stuff.

Carrie carryback.

He for their first date was here at the house and their first kiss was like on the on the by the outdoor fireplace.

Really yeah, and they got some there's a fucking human being because of that ship.

Because of your fireplace.

I'm gonna take all the credit.

For your chim and I.

I didn't put him together, but I like made the bed that they felt comfortable enough to be like, that's true.

And so she works for Lucasfilm.

He works for fucking Illumination that the the Minions people.

I think, I think I'm out a taste of each of their.

And may I please have a film financial Empires?

Yes, no, I keep the film just I think?

Is that too much to ask?

Illuminations?

So much?

Joy Minion franchise?

If the parents don't see, I'm going right to Henry, like listen, kid, parents kiss who is my house?

He saw me to salute a pigeon and give him ten percent of your company?

Who is this?

And your better salute pigeon.

He's over in England, Brian and Carrie, I guess she's over there working on Ahsoka whatever.

So he went over with Henry.

He's like fucking super dead.

Like if you ever look at his instagram, he is constantly just like like it.

Honestly, looking at his Instagram makes me go like, I really shut shifted my own child.

You did a great job, thank you.

But he's such a good debt and he took the kid.

He's over in England for a few months.

And ship, could you imagine, Like, I know we took you places like you went to Philadelphia or Cilhiladelphia as you called it, or Vancouver, but to go to fucking London.

I mean, I know we took it to London too, but for like to be Henry's age, I'm going to London.

That's pretty cool.

We're cognizant and ship not just like walking around quacking that she went to France.

Crack quack quack.

That was something I did.

My video of it.

Quacks around.

That was the frightening thing.

It was terrifying, Harley, Why are you flacking quack?

Why are you fucking quack?

Your face when I asked you, no, no cool keys.

You can see that face.

If you're watching this podcast, the second to last home show on that Kevinsmith club dot com.

If you're watching it on iHeart.

You can't watch it listening to an iHeart.

You probably tuned out after the second fucking batch of commercials.

I wonder why they fired us.

I don't know there were enough commercials in the show.

I've listened to it once and I was like, holy shit, you can always see it at that Kevinsmith club dot com.

Where are we doing after show?

So the after show is also coming to an a beardless stickless.

Plus, it's all coming to an end.

Let's say you're a beardless Stickless Me listener and you're like, what, there's an after show.

Yeah, that's where all the cool shit happened.

That's where the tea is.

That is spin the bottle of this show.

That's the real party is happening.

What are you gonna do in this all goes away?

When you never have to come to this fucking room anymore, I.

Think I'll just go upstairs for where we do the next thing?

Probably sorry, giving shit away?

Sorry?

Yeah, man, fucking it's coming to an end.

Kid's Beardless stickless Me.

You want to come see it end live in person?

Well it's gonna be an epic farewell.

Come see Beardless Dickless live at Smockcastle Cinemas on August third, of the day after my birthday, Me and the kid doing the show live for the first and last time ever.

I'm trying to get oh sorry, that's.

Modcastle Cinemas dot com or see smat dot com.

You're trying to get.

Well, please buy tickets.

I'm trying to get Austin's mom to come because she has the most contagious laugh of all time.

Must so you'll hear her about everybody else.

Could you come.

And us pretty left round?

Please?

What are you preparing things to talk about?

You gotta be writing ship down.

Oh yeah, it'd better have a binder full of material.

Man, Oh yeah.

Otherwise fucking we're up there fucking and you start tanking the show, They're gonna be like, no, we know why.

I'm gonna crab walk away and then walk back out here I heartlet and then walk back in clock cock quack and.

There's crack back.

I'm like, why, why's it happening again?

There is no way to crab walk off because there's nobody.

So you crab walk to the end of the room and people are still like we see you.

To crawd walk down the aisle down, yes.

All the way past them.

And when you do that, people like Harley, can you sign this?

And you're like, I'm crab walking?

Please come on man?

Can we exit the show that way though?

Crab walk?

Yeah?

Yeah, some things you can do it fast, yeah, Otherwise you're fucking stuck.

What do we race?

You know what you should be offering to like after the show, I'll sign people ship so key, come peace.

Say we got a heady number, I'd say over one hundred, and I'll get more on day up.

I'll tell you that much or a day before, because in my live show, I'm gonna be like, come on, come on, please give me a file?

All right?

Where can I Where can I advertise that I haven't advertised yet.

I'll put it up on The Atlantic on its Facebook page.

Put a sign on Birdie and walk around.

Like Birdie wears this little vest now backpack so it's got harnesses on each side like saddle bags.

So she could totally wear a sandwich board a girl and her dad on one side with an exclamation board and then on the other side beardless, dickless me August third Pdcastle.

Cinemas, We're like, who is this dog that says beardless, and.

Anybody, anybody is this anybody's dog?

She's walking up and down first aven Holmest gut by car.

You're crap walking away.

I don't know who's like.

She seems to really think you should come to this show, though.

You crab walk instid of a bitch.

Come get your dog?

Yeah, man, come see us live.

Those listening at home are like, why I'm listening to the show right now, And they're like, why would I want to see this live?

Because sometimes a train wreck is a good fucking time.

So true.

Steven is endeavoring Steven as Forecastle, our vegan brother is desperate to get your cinnamon videos.

He wants to play them before the show, and he also needs the get me back my nerve Oh of course, which I think your mom has on disc.

I have it, you have it?

I have it?

Have you uploaded it?

Why don't you have your boyfriend slash finance.

He's good with shit like that.

Haven't put up online?

So Steven will grab it, okay, because otherwise I won't be getting there until like August.

First, dog is second.

Then he has to fucking process.

Hey, Steam's got life too, and I know don't.

Want to dispect.

I mentioned this, but he's also vegan.

I mean, don't disrespect the time of a fellow vegan.

Do I have any sound coming?

Hello?

All right, well let me see God damn it?

Have you?

Has it not been recording sounds?

It has, but I can't like it's not fine?

Man?

Whoa that?

Just hey man?

It's me?

Well you know what.

That's not Will because he's always like turned down stuff.

Bill's like, why am I getting blamed?

Yeah?

For real, I didn't see any bar.

Now I'm seeing full bar and he's probably like, you talk let me see your bars?

Hey, Hey, yeah, I imagine you now I was low?

Do you know that?

I don't think anyone knows what Bill looks like.

I've never I've never showing a picture of Bill.

I'd say it get asses and sees it?

This my castle show?

You want to see be?

Yeah?

Would you like to see how handsome Be.

Would bring video video of Bill?

Don't shoot it the way you kids shoot it vertically, horizontally be on the big screen.

You know what.

Also in the after show, I might just show show the people what they want and show a picture of Bell.

Get out of here, some show nipple My daughter shows Bill see it on the after show.

Beardless dickless pluse, do you have a good time, kids?

Because this ship, this train's coming into the station.

Flight's coming in for a landing.

But the train is coming just into a wall and crushing.

One.

Two beardless stickless mees left ever one home show and then after that lie that's Marcastle Cinemas August third, and.

Let us tell you it is never coming back.

We won't.

We won't never, no way, we will never be bringing it back.

We're gonna viking funeral this ship.

Man.

Oh yeah, we're gonna burn it to the.

Ground, burn burn bird from the ashes will rise.

Something beautiful, something new will arise, something better will arise.

I was brought two messences.

What's the other song?

There's a lie over at the freaking start.

Please, there's a lie burning in the fire.

Please.

Yeah, there it is.

There's your beardless stickless me for this week.

You can hear WUCKI rolling around on the floor press.

When they start saying it's time to go, time.

To get out of here.

Uh there it is, kids for beardless dicklass, ma'am Kevin Smith, go have a beardless dick lass day.

See the after show Beard listen was pleasant.

Thanksmith club dot com.

This has been a podcast production, some podcast podcast using our mouths on you since two thousand and seven.

Hey kids, did you like what you just heard?

Well, guess what.

We've got tons more man thousands of hours of podcasts waiting for you at that kevinsmith club dot com.

Go sign up now,