Welcome back to Beard with the Stick.

Let's me I'm Kevin.

Smith and I'm Harley Quinn Smith.

It has been a minute.

It has been a red harf minute.

Now.

For the rest of the world, they're like, yeah, man, it's been like two weeks, but for us, it's been almost two months since we sat down to record.

We banked a bunch of shows because I was going off on the Dogmenteur.

Then after the Dogmenteur we came home for a red hot minute or in the midst of it, it was more toward the end of it, and then went to can for five days.

Then I went to Spain.

Harley went to Spain.

Then she came back and Danel was like, I heart didn't want your show anymore.

I was like, wait what, But more about that later on.

So lots to catch.

Up on, so much to cover.

I am as we speak on tour with Jay for the Oral Sex Tour Part two?

Are you gonna spell it?

A U R A L S C C T.

I'm going to Oklahoma City and then I'm going to all the hot spots.

Saint Paul, Minnesota.

Uh, let's see where else am I going?

After Saint Paul Minnesota?

Then I can Champagne.

Sure, well that's later on.

Don't don't fucking sorry, don't bury.

After there's Oklahoma, then there's same.

Then there's two stops in Iowa, Des Moines and Iowa City, Iowa City first, then Des Moines, So Oklahoma City, Saint Paul, Minnesota, Iowa City, Des Moines, Iowa, Madison, Wisconsin.

Okay, get ready cats James On abob coming, and then Lawrence, Kansas.

And there's another one in there that I'm forgetting escape me.

But anyway, I'm out on the road until like the twenty seventh and stuff.

He's gone gone, So I'm already I was home for a second.

Now back out into the world.

But let's rewind so much to debris.

It really is.

And this is require a stiff drink.

Yeah, cracker open liquid death.

It's been a it's been a busy summer.

You could say.

Hasn't even started yet.

I actually, yeah, that's true.

That's your birthday, Harley's birthdays coming up.

It's my golden birthday, twenty six on the twenties, all right.

So we went to can That was absolutely lovely.

I had not been there, you know, in nineteen years.

Last time we went was with Clerks too.

I hadn't been there with Dogma in twenty six years, so we got to go back.

We walked the red carpet, we got to hang out in the closet with the kid Burne, Austin came, we went to the screening.

It was like wonderful.

Actually sat and watched the entire movie with the audience and stuff got inspired, like it was great.

The whole trip was fucking great.

The tour was great as well.

Got to see people, two shows a night, sold out.

Just it was absolutely lovely.

But when we were done with can me and Jen took off, Like after the screening.

We were there for two more days.

But the idea was, since Harley was coming over with us, she'd never been to Europe.

That's not accurate at all.

What was it.

I've been many places in Europe.

He'd be you'd never been to.

Spain, and I had left I had not left the country besides Canada in the past ten years in a read a minute, and Austin had never left the continent ever ever, So.

These kids went with us.

But then you know, the idea was like, since they're going to be over there, they'll stay longer, and so then they went off to Spain.

Me and Jen flew home.

Now is when you tell everybody all about Spain, or you can start with like your can, Let me.

Rewind a little bit to ken Can was absolutely beautiful and delayful, not so suitable for vegans.

But besides that, no complaints, not about g Would you like to speak about the old burger?

We went into a fucking restaurant, man, and this is one day I'm going to learn to like start looking at prices before I pay.

Granted, we were in France, and naturally that.

We're just looking for anything that you'd also.

Anything, and we saw like a vegan burger and we were like, oh my god, belga, so we order it at This was the Majestic Hotel.

It's one of the fancy hotels along the strip, and they bring out a vegan burger.

It's an oat burger.

My dad does not like oat being any.

Of those, but he don't prefer but this was.

This was also you could see the oats.

It was like an oat meal burger.

It was pretty much.

A puck, but it wasn't a hard puck where it's get a good bike.

Very much, very much.

Also many a mushroom in there, and he don't like that.

So I, you know, like, I'll have the dinner rolls and some French fries.

But the fucking oh burger was how much?

Sixty?

We didn't know, no idea sixty.

But after the check was brought to us a.

Burger, even if it was the best beyond burger on the planet, sixty was a little fucking ridiculous dollars sixty for an oberger.

I didn't even eat it was.

He also we both ordered an oatburger, and I ate a solid amount of mine.

It wasn't it wasn't the best thing of the road, but you know, a girl's gotta eat.

How he didn't want to be seen as the person who didn't eat his oatburgers, so he dismembered his oburger and put parts of it on my plate, making it look like I did not eat my oatburger.

Because he couldn't take that.

I was like, you know, the standard American all right, yeah, you can't finish your.

Appreciate an old burger.

Sure we can't give credit where credit is due, though, And that's the French fries.

Which yeah, I mean, it's right there, but they were if we don't get to fresh fry, right, everything else is sheet.

And that's true.

Also while we were there in Austin so appalled by because my dad and I were just trying to We're just trying to find anything we could eat, and it was truly not easy.

We went to a restaurant called New York, New York, which really appalled Austin that.

That we were in France and we went to New York.

Oh my god, he might as well date your mother because she's the same way.

She was like, we're all the way in here and we're gonna get a place called New York ewer.

I'm like, who gives a ship what it's called?

Like they have a full European menu for Americans.

We don't want what we're not looking for us cargo.

We're not looking for beef tartar.

But it wasn't like they were like American and borl gear like, it's just they called the place New York.

Had a big menu, diverse, lot of French food and shit.

But the old fucking standard, the standby is pizza, European pizza.

Mayn't go anywhere and get some pizza and ship vegan.

You get a red pie, like leave the cheese off and like kiss, but it's I don't bump into that restaurant.

I was really fine with her choice.

Especially because they did have a meatless but it was it called meat Reimagined.

I think it was a very French name, but it was essentially a beyond it and it was really good.

I had one as well, And I'll tell you what we didn't follow up on because we left like the next day.

What maybe some people don't know if they're not they don't eat vegan on a regular basis.

It makes you gassy because you're eating a lot of protein.

Did it make.

I was on a twelve hour plane ride home.

Oh god, it was.

God.

The poor fellow flamegoers.

It's already like that on a daily basising.

It into the seat, burying my ass just deeply into the sea as I could.

To be fair, I was in like a lay back seat, so I had a blanket over me so I could.

But man, it was Dutch oven city in there.

But that's how I knew.

I was like, that was a real meatless, that was meat reimagined.

It made me fart just as much as a beyond burger, perhaps more, perhaps somebody is now used to be on burger and it doesn't like I don't fart as much that burger man, because I was like, what did I eat?

And I was like, it's the meat.

Reimagined, gas reimagine.

Truly the whole fucking trip home.

Man.

Wow, but I don't bump.

Into that, right, Thank god, you were in first class.

Truly and fucked those two little snots like New York, New York.

No, we're just looking for a fucking meal, little kid.

It was.

And also to be fair, like eleven thirty at night, like it was really late.

Yeah, and we're also, now, what are we supposed to go get a sixty dollars o burger for a second time.

I already got fucked in the daytime, so at nighttime we want a little security, a little safety, like pizza and meat reimagined, not to be confused.

Yeah, And then also on the meat reimagined, we couldn't eat the bun.

Though the bun came, it was not the tell.

Yeah, the bun on the on the oat bill gal was also.

A little suze.

It was a little sauce.

And I did I did have a bike because it did say vegan burger.

Yeah, but then I quickly had some questions and I stopped eating the bun.

But you're man at New York, New York chose unwisely the fish seafood.

Yeah.

He chose like a lobster pasta of some sort.

Yeah.

Yeah, And then you guys went to Spain the next day, where he proceeded to throw up and his guts out.

Do you think it was the fish dish at New York, New York.

Maybe that's why he's a little biased.

No, he didn't throw up the next day.

He got real sick.

What's that if you're like real sick, like sick, so like sweaty and ship.

Yeah, sounds like.

So we'll get we'll get from the from that, we'll get back to that, all right.

Just we just want to remind the audience.

Uh well no, uh, you know, hold on, how do they say it later on in the episode, how I Heart fired.

Don't forget this is coming up, but you gotta wait.

We'll get there, but you gotta waita in Spain, all right, So.

No back in Canal.

Still have some stuff to say about can fair enough.

It was a really wonderful experience getting to see you get filled up with me.

It is with with self confidence.

I think you being there seeing like, yeah I can I can still do this.

Because before that, before we left, you were saying, we gotta go because I'm never coming back for me, unless it's for you or Austin, I'm not coming back.

There's no I didn't think I would ever be back in camp.

But then you went, You got filled up with hope and confidence.

And then on stage you announced in front of that very french man who runs the festival that you would be returning with the dog Mosequel and he said if it is good, and he was like it, but it was.

It was really very hard warming and very wonderful for me to see you be filled with confidence again.

Oh that's very sweet.

As soon as I got back to the States, it was gone.

No no, did What was your takeaway of the Sasophones.

Let's just say, well, it was gorgeous, beautiful, beyond great weather.

You were saying it was like Los Angeles, to which I say, again, it looks like no, no, no, it was a beautiful oasis at least.

But to be fair, there were there were moments too, like when we were at the party in the hills.

After the screening that, I was like, oh, it looks like highlands.

Oh my god, in the dark with the view of the.

Respect on the French ro Viera's name.

Please man, there are parts of highlands that are very beautiful.

I've been there.

It ain't the same.

It's it's a beach.

It's the exact the same.

My god, that is the Mediterranean scene.

Sometimes we got a nice weather in Jersey, all right, and so.

It was.

I had never been to the south of France.

I went to Paris like ten years ago.

I've never been to the south of France.

It was like a beautiful tropical oasis.

The whole time you were like, hey, everybody walking them down the closet, You're like, I'm an iHeart podcaster.

And then I came home, Hey, hey, step back.

I got a podcast.

I got a podcast on Heart radio.

Just die.

You say you can keep your pumpdu.

I got have the Hill and everyone at the company loves us.

We're never going to die.

And people in the closet were like, cissart.

Yeah.

Anyways, more on that later, but I will say of Spain, I think Spain reconnected me to myself, to my life's purpose.

Once again, kid's never been to Spain?

Yes, what was your Were you scared to go with just you and him?

Like with me and mom there at least like there was always somebody in case of an emergency or whatever the fuck?

But we guys, I thought it was rather brave.

You go to Spain by yourself.

It's not scared but that.

But that is to say, Spain reconnected me to myself.

That is, can you care?

I mean what.

Spain reconnected me to myself and grounded me in my life and where I stand in this world.

Can did not do that?

Can was like the spectacle of all spectacles.

It was the craziest thing I've ever witness.

Oh my god, Spain made me realize, not in a bad way, in a really helpful, wonderful way, how small I am and how big the world is.

France was like, oh my god, this is this is this is the I don't even I never experienced anything like it.

I feel like I've seen some fancy things throughout my life.

You kept saying, the whole trip, I mean, that's the thing.

Like at one point we were in well, when the trip began, we were in Los Angeles.

Al Oh, from the beginning, and.

Then we had access to a lounge.

I don't know if it was Centurion Lounge or if it was the first class of our fly.

No, no, no, no, this was the Delta.

One Lounge, Delta one lounge.

We just took Delta one from LAX to.

We did not You and Mom did.

Austin and I sat in Row forty in the back of the plane.

Yeah, Delta coach and Delta The trunk of Delta.

Coach Delta is one hundred.

We were at Delta one.

You were Delta one hundred.

But the the lovely Delta one employee at.

LAX, Wow, it's so nice that you still remember that that happened.

There was a lady at the desk who was like, oh, if they want to come in, they can comm in.

It was so kind because you know, the person at JFK, the Delta one employee at JFK said fuck, I'll get out of here.

But the lovely woman, I wish I remembered her name at LAX, which there is a whole different entrance for Delta one at LAX, which blows my mind.

It is on the arrivals level, not even the departures level, so you go in and it's your own fucking little check in desk.

They offer you a pressed juice, they offer you a coffee, They have a hot towel.

Then you go in and you go through your own private security, and then you go through.

Yes, you put your bags, you know, your carry ons go through.

Well, they take everything.

They take your big bags when you check them.

But then when you go you know, you're going through their own private airport security, so you're not it's it's it was crazy, like, wow, this is it was the height of luxury the whole trip.

This kid is the airport lounge, which at the end of the day, yes, Delta one is a very beautiful lounge at L A X, but it's still an airport lounge.

And the kid is like mclamor's play type anything, the team anything, as I got fucking hot towels, all it takes it like it's unbelievable.

They've got a vegan snack?

What did they have that?

A vegan?

You go up in this place, which again Austin and I only got to go in because of this really kind.

Of remind when you were a kid, like instead of taking you to chuck e cheese, like we we went one day, we swapping once went to Chuck and Cheese and there was a long line and you were a baby, like yeah, like two or whatever.

So we were like, cher, I can know the difference between Chuck and Cheese and the McDonald ball bath, and so we want to cross the street to McDonald's to the playland there.

And you had a blast.

I'm sure I did, but you did.

But the germs are I made it.

I did go to Chuck e Cheese all the time.

You did, but it was it was like you know, at the end of the day.

It reminds me of like we didn't even have to take you all the way to the south of France or Spain.

We could have just taken the Delta one lounge hung out there for eight hours.

You would be like get.

Today when you walk in, which also, okay, there's one just going back one second.

You can go into the private check and they offer you a press juice.

You go to the private security.

Then you take a private elevator that brings you up so you don't see nobody else in the airport, like the You're in your own fucking bubble.

And then the elevator takes you up to the Delta one Lounge, so nobody there was asking for my ticket.

Therefore, seeing that I am in row the four.

Hundred, you don't belong here with quality JFK.

They did, but you had to settle for the Centurion Lounge.

Yeah, and it did its job.

But at the Delta one Lounge, they handed you a brochure and told you everything that was in the lounge sleeping pods, massage pods, showers.

We're not even we haven't gotten Spain yet, You're still in America.

Free food, free, alcohol, free, everything free, free, free, free, free.

It was.

It was glamorous, and they she wouldn't stop talking about.

Do we did tea?

It was the eluxury, It was the hide of luxury.

It got to feelin that in the ethnic who did moms?

He Oh, we did see somebody famous smart from Hacks.

She was flying to New York and then I saw she's doing a place, so maybe that's why she was.

Well, she was on our way there.

I had some crazy Next.

Time, I'm I'm just gonna buy a first class ticket out any Delta one floor.

I'm going over.

We're gonna go into the lounge.

Just hang out for hours.

You have to let you sleep in the pod, use a little internet, get some free It's the orange juice.

I was so bummed, had no time to go in the sleeping ball.

Well we were like going, like, do we like go out for her birthday and ship, Like Mom's going we could take her a crossroads, taking a fucking delta one, take me.

Straight to the La Extill.

Do one lounge.

Baby.

You don't even have to get dressed up.

You can dress up like in the in the trucker hat and the thresher because once you bought the expensive ticket, they're gonna treat you like gold and ship.

And then we did and fucking and the full refund you.

And in your individual pod that with the seat that went all the way down.

Yes, and you're in your meal and your blankets.

And I'm gonna tell you this, but that being said, it was you know, it's twelve to thirteen hours to fucking get from Lax to niece, you know, with stops or whatever the fuck, and and uh, it's a lot of money to fly.

But my god, I don't remember like the flight, like I've closed my eyes and all of a sudden they were like sir, we're landing.

I was like, oh, that's nice.

Same coming back.

I see who's that?

Sounds like there's a puppy right there.

Sounds like there's a dog outside somebody, somebody walking their dog.

Bertie a.

Pretty pretty Meanwhile, Lucky in the background like.

He's okay, okay home anyway.

So moving past the Delta one Lounge.

I don't know that you ever will path.

Yeah.

Remember Austin said it was the best meal that he's ever had, the best breakfast he's ever had, was that the Delta one Lounge.

Yeah?

Should we should we have our wedding reception l A X.

Yeah.

The problem I wonder if you can have a membership to Delta one Love.

I know, what do you belong to?

Sam Vincente Bungalows.

Yeah, get rid of that, get Delta one Lounge pass.

You're going out, Oh my god, you'd have to drive out to l A to go.

There there, ma'am.

What times You're like, Oh, I don't.

Got one of them.

I'm just I'm here for the amenities.

I'm just using.

Like, don't you live here in town?

Yeah?

But it's I'm so delighted.

I never thought we would be talking about it again, but I'm so delighted to see that it lasted impact.

Oh my god, I was like, this shit happened like over a month ago, it feels like.

And my man was just like dripping with detail right here, going like the juice was pressed, the towns was went and hot, and there was a sleep pod if you were tired, I tell you they figured it on out.

Do you know think it's insane you can shower at the airport.

I don't think it's insane because I've flown quite a bit, and in your higher end lounges there is always a shower component, all right.

Well from a study, coach flyer wasn't I wasn't familiar.

Now you've got to, you know, fucking your aspiration should be make enough money to always fly first class so you can go to the Delta.

All my money every year, we'll be spent until one lounge.

I'll have no car, I'll barely make my mortgage every month, but I'll be at the Delta one loune.

Not for nothing.

But like while you're there, be like kind an application there all the time.

I honestly I witnessed I witnessed a nasty a nasty goer of the Nelta Delta Delta one lounge.

What do you mean somebody in the Delta one lound not an employee, no no, but somebody was traveler, a fellow traveler.

A fellow travel Delta wanner.

They were no, no, another.

One another, a woner was nasty to some who was working at this one.

Oh no, no, no, I considered.

I considered saying.

Something getting up and carrying out.

No, I wouldn't say that was being a bitch to the waitress.

Yes, he was maing a fucking bitch to the waitress.

What what was the Let me let me be the judge here, let me see how bitch is bitch?

What'd you do?

I mean?

I can't fully remember the whole thing.

It was kind of in a daze because of the amazement in my eyes at the Delta one lounge.

But was the you can blink the answer?

Was it your mother?

No, my mother is a lovely person.

Anyways, moving on?

Um, No, this was this was a Karen of the sorts just complaining about Karen of the sky, some fucking Karen of the sky, fucking bitching about at like six am.

With zero appreciation for the one that you have ohed.

I was like, lady, how could you have a single complaint when you're in the Delta one lounge.

You're being a bitch.

She's lost her way.

In the Delta one lounge and you're one, You're a fucking wonner, and you really got something to say at six am, she does all look bad.

She was upset because, if I recall correctly, because the Mimosa slash champagne service started at seven, you could not get alcohol before the time of seven am, and we got there at like six thirty, and she was upset and she was.

Like, I have to board soon and I want booze now.

Yeah, I mean no, I mean all of that just sounds bad, especially when it's just like I, well, my mamose.

Piano, bitch.

Anyways, So that was the Delta one Lounge.

We haven't even gotten the fucking.

Then can Can was lovely, an absolute spectacle, the city itself, the South or the South of France as a whole gorgeous.

You.

Harley and Austin naturally had their own hotel room separate from me and Jen.

But they had their own hotel like they were separate from we.

Were not staying at the Hotel Martinez.

Mart is the one where every famous person in town stat.

That they were saying, yes, who was there besides sound Well, I mean.

Who else matters?

I saw Dakota.

Fanning, I saw I believe you saw el Fanning.

I saw Elan Yes, she really just gone with I saw a fan I.

Saw Carl Delvine.

Do you know who that is?

Eyebrow actress she's got I mean we all do, but she's got a very striking eyebrows.

I remember she's an actor.

She's very as a girl's girl.

I believe, I don't know we're talking about the same person.

Really, I think was she in suicide squad?

Yes?

Then yes, all right, here's the thing, hear these fuckers come back, ruh.

I know we've talked about it.

But there is a lady with a big hat that walks down the hill at six in the morning talking on her fucking headphone, and she must be talking to somebody on the East coast, because that's the only other motherfuckers would be awake enough to see this conversation.

Always with the hat pretty fucking big, like like the fucking like this light, but bigger.

Jesus Christ ridicularly you don't given your mother knows you.

There's the hat lady.

So hat woman rolling down either down fucking the street or up the street, and again six in the morning.

Mm hmm.

So that I said to him, like, you're out of your mind.

No, that's oh ratchet, no way, I'm not doing that.

Like top of her fucking lungs.

I get up and I tiptoe around this house like a fucking hippo ninja because God forbid we wake smoug.

Oh my god.

And meanwhile this hat woman and fucking all I hear from the closes curtains is and I'm like, you pieces ship you will sleeping giant o.

God.

Yeah, chickens laugh man, she laughed.

Every once in a while, I want to yeat, but then I feel like a fucking Karen to be like, you know, people are still sleep.

And then I'm like, she'd be like, you just yelled at me, asshole.

So then I would have to go downstairs and can you imagine, Yeah, but could you imagine, like she's walking down the street talking to full volume.

I come out of the house and walk right up to her like that.

That.

I was raised differently by both my mother and your mother.

Excuse me the big hat.

She can't even hear they excuse me because she got the headphones out and ship.

She lives in her own fucking world.

But believe me, I'd be in that world if all of a sudden I came out of the house.

I'm not even talking like I I'm smoking out of the house.

I'm like, but if I was just outside the house, because I can hear all the way up the hill and standing on the curb just as she was coming down Tony she that would be perceived as it's threatening.

I mean, now I wouldn't suggest that.

But yeah, then what carry a pigeon?

Hold up a sign?

Can you be quiet?

My wife is sleeping and she's mean when she wakes up.

It's a lot of letters.

She'd have to do this shit, peer, can't I just write, bitch?

Shut up?

Hey?

Hat fucking.

The long hat.

It's a super elongated hat.

Every once in a while, she has dogs with her, but they're little annoying dogs.

Oh are they not the cute ones?

No, they're the ones.

My dad.

A special taste in dogs.

Oh oh my god, what a snack for walk.

Total snack the curly haired kind.

Yeah, you know the little white ones like, look, you love a dog, love a dog, but we love animals.

We're vegan.

But pound for pound man like, if a dog weighs less than a cat, is it a dog anymore?

Shacky checking in my less than a cat?

She might fucking heavy cats, but Shakey has some girth through Cheky was a good twenty pounder.

Man.

Have you picked up move lately?

Heavy?

He's like, well you think they call me move as fine as a cot?

Help me work out a box in about yard, Grandpa?

Like me, I don't know anything about box.

Take me on a run, Grandpa.

Come on, grandpa, God, trade me like you Mickey and I was Rocky.

No, come on, grandpas won't be rockty.

Oh my god, you.

Yell me like he's Mickey cut me big.

That's when I'll say, trade me, Grandpa, it's too fat from a good I never do get girlfriend?

Oh he will.

Won't tell him he can?

He can't?

Is he fixed?

He is never going to have a girlfriend.

You ever have that discussion with.

Relationship?

Where's my nuts?

Mommy?

Mommy?

I woke up in my.

Nuts were mummy that uh my nuts have not returned?

Do you know that I have a photo of linuses.

I don't want to hear it.

Why would you have thats.

Because I was at the time, I was friends with someone that worked at the villa.

I don't.

Photos.

And also as a vegan, how can you justify the whole like getting them fixed?

Thing?

Oh?

Because it's extremely important because there are so many homeless animal in the world.

Yeah, why would your animals?

Because what if my animals have more more kittens and then I have to try to distribute them and find homes for them.

That's the responsibility as a cat.

On that's taking away a home from a cat that could have been adopted by said people who took my kittens.

Because there's already kittens in the world.

You're saying, yes, there are already so many homeless animals in the world.

Mommy, us real weak sauce for wise, I can't get laid just because there's kiddies in the world.

Mummy, wrapped out, Rascal, let me have some sex, Billy, where's my balls?

Give me the I care have them?

Baby?

Can you glutle them back on the world.

You must have been a dog nearby just in case.

Just because of need the one day moment That was the ultimate example of why you should fix your pets.

Want to pass on the jeans because he's like, well, no, no, Bill, oh, Bill the babbit.

Why Bill became an infinitely better man once he had his balls removed.

Better or you know, more controllable.

He was sucking all my cats.

He was humping them, humping all my cat.

I mean that's on Bill and then it's up to a.

Cat and all over the place.

Oh, he don't do that either.

No, when he was when he was fixed.

Once she took his balls, he stopped shooting and pissing and stopped humping.

And now he's a very respectful man.

Except he does bite me when I feed him crunchy bears.

But that's only because he's very excited.

No, it's only because you took his balls.

About the crunchy bears.

But no, I think he's British.

May mother, Yeah, may I have my testicles back?

Please?

Have a ways?

Can I cannot?

Please?

How do you do it?

That's your British mother?

Matha mother, May I please have my testicles back?

Please?

That was Masa, Masa, may I have my test Oh?

Yeah, that's Bill.

Oh Bill, watsh's bulls?

Back Bill's bulls.

Oh my god, where they are?

Oh so much more to cover.

But here's a reminder.

We were fired from my hard radio.

Yeah, and you're gonna hear the whole story next episode.

Whoa, that's right, it's Cliffhanger.

You spent so much time sucking Delta One's dick, my god, as if they were a fucking sponsor of the show.

For evident, we should wrap up Can Real Quick?

Uh, all right, go ahead, wrap it up.

We We'll just wrap up Can Real Quick.

I'm done.

I finished CAN forty minutes ago.

So do what you buy?

All right?

Yes, to talk about Can Real Quick.

I have never seen anything like it.

It was even fancier than the Delta was actually.

Fancier than the Dozen one launch.

Your hotel had a barricade.

It was so fancy.

You needed a badge identification to get into the hotkeys a hotel for a festival pass to get into the hotel, and there was a barricade with photographers and fans waiting outside the hotel.

Stood outside the hotel all day long, waiting for somebody famous all day.

And then the spiral staircase and went up eight floors.

Every model walked down and used as a run win.

Yeah, everybody took pictures on the stairs.

It was very fancy, very fancy.

It was the fanciest thing I've ever seen.

We went there because we stayed there years ago, back when we were here for there for the clerks too, And I remember that was the same year that X Men Last Stand was there.

Ian McKellen played Magneto.

I'm in the lobby of the Martinez trying to use the Wi Fi because you couldn't access in your room in those days and stuff.

And Ian McKellen comes in in a bathrobe and nothing else.

And then it comes up to the you know, checking desk, and he's just like, I've been locked out of my room.

Wow.

And they were like, oh, one second please.

He turned around and looked at me and smiled.

Cool.

Story, it's famous, Scandalf, motherfucker.

Gandalf got locked out as your important.

The story is, it's not really Gandalf because he couldn't magic is fucking door open?

That's what I said, hegandal why don't you imagine give fucking door open?

But he was gone by that point he didn't hear me.

Yeah, it probably best, yeah.

Right, because what if it was magic, and he was just like, you shall not passs.

Did you ever see the Lord of the Rings movies?

I'm not even saying you have to.

Like normally, sometimes I'll say do you ever see this?

And you're like no, I'm like, oh, but people love them, ring I think.

I should see them.

I mean, I recently took The Lord of the Rings, the first book from your library.

Why looks like a cool cover, good luck?

Yeah, thick read.

It's actually thinner than one would think.

Yeah, better than a Harry Potter.

Yeah, but Harry Potter I found to be more user friendly because the kid's book, whereas Lord of the Rings is like scholarly work.

Remember how Billy your vintage copy of the Silence of the Lambs.

I remember how my daughter I lent my doctor a cherished copy of a book, one of the only books I've ever read in this world, held onto my same copy in every home I've ever lived, and I gave it to her and she stopped bring it back, and I A rabbit's gonna rabbit.

It ain't Bill's fault, It's the fault of the person that's like, here, Bill eat my father's book.

But when we did leave for Europe.

Austin did put a magazine under the bed for Bill?

Yes, you stay off the fucking books you eat this Bill was like by the end of day one, done with the magazine.

Gotta leave my phone book.

Do you know what a phone book is?

I do?

Do they still have them?

No?

You don't have a phone book?

Well why would I?

And please tell me why?

I mean they just used to send him like you didn't buy it.

They just sent it to you when you had a phone line.

It was just something you got.

I don't get a phone book.

I guess they don't do that anymore.

I don't think so.

It would be a big waste paper.

I mean, well that doesn't stop fucking industry ever.

But that's crazy I think about it.

They used to be a big thing.

Like ever hear the new phone book?

Like are we in it?

I'm famous?

There are two more things to touch only two more things to touch on from Canadon people were like.

Fuck camp, what do you mean you're getting fired?

No, that's a whole story to that.

Two more points to canon.

Okay, One, we were there when the entire south of France lost power.

That's true, and that was a little crazy.

That was wild man.

We were walking them down the quaset and everything was off.

You couldn't buy anything because like they couldn't.

Somebody intentionally set a fire to a power n bank of the sort, yeah, and there was no power in the whole city and Austin Mom and I spent the whole day at the beach, but somebody didn't want to join.

I'm not a beach guy, so I went back to the hotel were you scaled watch?

I had Rocky and bowl Winkle downloaded.

So, because when you're in the South of France, the best thing to do is watch cartoons and not be on the beach.

I mean, I'm not a beach person.

I grew up in a beach town.

Like I could have gone to the beach every day in my life.

You believe the Mediterranean, see it's a little different.

I mean, no, a beach is a beach.

And also when have you ever known me to be like, let's go where, let's enter the food chain, like this motherfucker here just went to like North Carolina and then the next day they were like biggest shark ever seen in America in North Carolina, like fucking twenty minutes from where she was swimming.

I've never like the only time in our lifetime together, unbelievable.

I was in Hawaii when you were a kid.

That was the last time I went in the ocean.

Will you ever go in the ocean again?

No?

And believe me, I don't feel like.

What if I was drowning?

Oh my god, that don't fucking put me.

If I was drowning in the ocean, would you come and get me or would you let me go?

I mean, they'd say, like most drowning, you know, I'm not a strong swimmer, So if I got in there, chances are you're going to fucking drown me because oh god, And I'm like, I ain't strong enough.

To so you'd let me drown?

I mean, what are you doing in the ocean anyway?

See, why don't you make it easy on all of us?

And you don't go in the ocean?

Wow?

Am I anywhere near the ocean when you're in it?

Oh?

No?

Maybe we're in the South brance and the power of the entire city goes out or the entire.

South's mother, she was there, she should have been diving in and stuff like that.

I can't I can't do it.

All.

Fuck, I pay for everything.

I can't be expected to be on shark watch as well, especially if you're going to be at the beach, Like that's a choice, and right then and there, going to the beach is one thing going into the ocean that is entering the food chain.

Like you, it's not even infinitismally increasing your chances of being fucking eating alive, it's increasing them by massive amounts.

So yeah, I mean, but that being said, if I saw you fucking drowning, I would definitely try to go in and say you probably drowned myself.

But you know what, if you weren't alive anymore, maybe I wouldn't want to be either, period.

How about that?

You know what I'm saying?

But fuck ew, that was a real like you know, fucking I don't like that.

It's so fun.

I like hypotheticals that are like, yeah, you're hypothetical.

Is like if I was going to fucking die, would you save my life over man watering?

Yeah, of course, but like fucking but that is not me choosing to go in the ocean because I'm like, look at me, I mean a body of water.

When I own my own pool, it's like going to drive go carts, like I got a driver's license, Im gonna drive a big boy car.

What am I going to go in the ocean for it?

Man?

I got my own ass pool, and even if I were someplace where I'm my own ass pool, I'm going to shower.

That's why I control the water, my God, I gotta control the elements.

Man, and he doesn't want to go in the Mediterranean Sea because he has a shower.

We have shower at homeower.

We have ocean at home, and it's the shower.

We have ocean at home.

Dad, Do you want to go in the ocean.

We have ocean at home.

What is it the shower?

Your father's talking about the shower.

Leave it be, not even the pool, leave it be.

Just don't ask, please, that's kind of baffling.

You're telling me last thing to touch.

Only show that never ends.

Last.

Because it was very important to mother to musall the whole trip, the whole trip in the fact, that was important.

Yes, your mother, not mine.

Mine.

My mother wanted to go too.

She kept saying, didn't want to go Tiger.

I wish I could go.

No she can't.

That's why I'm like, what are you talking about?

But she was like, I want to go with Can.

That sounds fun.

Can with momiy would be awesome.

Well, no, it wouldn't.

Mommy, Lee can't can barely walk get her up the stairs the palais.

We would have to like put our arms up carry her up the goddamn stairs.

Then I got a chair lift on the palais, man, So I would have been a night.

Getting up the spiral staircase.

Yes, elevators out, we gotta go the stairs, Oh, tiger, I'll just stay down here.

I'll just go in the ocean and whatever happens happens.

Mom only no, please, yeah, no.

She was talking about like, oh, I would like to go to your hat.

How does it happen?

It's getting out of hand this evening.

What's happening is getting out of hand this evening.

I'm telling you, I'm just gonna shave the front of my head please, and I never have to worry about it again.

But it is cute.

More I am in public and doing shows like during the Dogmator, there is a lot of fix your hat, really yeah?

And I was like, oh, listener, I saw a lot of Tickla shirts out in the audience, really yeah, And speaking of beer the Stickless Man.

We're fired.

More on that later.

You want to see it live for the first and last time, our very last episode of Beardless Tickless Me.

Will be live.

We'll be the live episode.

That's Moncastle Cinemas.

You're like, wait, why is it the last episode.

Well, that's a whole other story that we'll tell you.

Next week because we were fired.

Yeah, but I mean that's a long and short of it.

But this is much more interesting than that.

But really it's not more interesting.

It's much more baffling than that.

And I'm sure Daniel might hear this and be like, wait a second, pre you do that second episode, let's have a conversation.

No wow, when Daniel's.

Not his Danel, Daniel's lovely.

Lovely dude.

But yeah, but we're going.

To speak on it.

We're going to speak on it.

We're going to be honest with the dick list.

We are going to stand on business.

As they say on the internet.

Listen, we were fired.

At Beardless Dickless Me live at Smadcastle Cinema's Kids July fifth.

I think it's seven o'clock a night, or a o'clock or something like that.

Beardless, Stickless me live for the first and last time, if you could totally expect to see some give Me Back My Name Woman.

If we sell it out, Yeah, we can screen the entire performance of The Crucible featuring myself as John Proctor aka give Me Back My Name Woman.

They're going to see some of it there.

But when would we show that afterwards?

If you want to stick around and watch an hour.

There's already a thing going on afterwards.

Oh, yoga hosers at eleven o'clock.

Who stay around It's at eleven pm.

Yeah, and that's a midnight move.

A nighttime hosers screening.

And nighttime hosers.

So you and I will be doing Beardless Stickless Mate live for the first and last time.

Then when the show's over, like an hour later, we intro Yoga hoss and if you want to sit there and watch it, and we can sit there and watch it.

But five dollars show that show's five Yeah, che I mean, yogas is a tough sell, so I always got to lower the price.

But so far we have already sold more tickets to this yogos Are screening than the other three aborted screenings in the past.

Beardless stick with me is out selling it, but it better.

But yes, those tickets are on sale right now.

Kids.

It's c smod dot com s E E S M O D right right there in Atlantic Islands, New Jersey.

If you're on the East coast anywhere, this is worth making the trip for.

Man, You're gonna watch something beautiful be born and then die.

The death, the birth beardless and death that beardless.

Stick with me, you can get you can get the very last stick lit shirts.

Is that right?

You're bringing them?

Oh, I'm bringing them.

You better.

Uh, doors close and doors.

Open to be continued.

Oh yeah, get your tickets now though, kids, ce smod dot com Beardless Sickless Me Live.

It's Moncastle Cinemas, July fifth, Man with a yoga hosers screening afterwards and stuff for the yogos are screening.

It's five bucks if you just want to see the movie.

If you pay ten, you get a yogazers pen.

Well, well, we cool.

Next week Harley will talk about Spain, M Harley and Espana de Donda or aka de dondas La Patia's.

The only thing you know how to say.

And we will tell the story of.

iHeart I Corazone so true.

I heartbroken, so much, to so much to say, so much to talk about.

So many more adventures, well really very few.

We are now on the countdown.

Kids.

There was only four or beardless dickless means left.

After this, only four more.

You better saber them all.

Just think and think like this ain't a sad thing.

This is a good thing, one last thing for you to have to listen.

To, you know what, so true until the next thing, the next thing be good.

This, though, is your chance to be there.

Man, when history is fucking made.

History is mate.

What day is it?

July fifth?

July fifth, I'll be twenty six, I'll do my golden year.

That's right.

So magic is gonna happen.

It's gonna be big, man.

It's a really important day for for the dick looks of the world.

You can come get fucked up by much by obey.

You're not allowed to do that.

You can bring alcohol into the theater, yeah, if we have if we say, like, oh, the screening is like b yob really we can't sneak it into the theater.

But if you're like, hey, I brought this alcohol and I would like to drink it here, I don't think we'd be like, I'm sorry, you can't do that.

You should ask Ernie.

I will, but like we don't get enough people coming in for Ernie to be like, I'm sorry, you can't drink that in here.

I think Ernie'd be like, oh my god, yeah, bring all your drunk friends please.

Yeah.

I think especially if we're doing it, like you know, when we do comedy shows and shit like that, it's very much like Meetwyobe because we don't sell booth, so yeah, you can come get fucked up on your own dime.

This's weird though, Like we had a screening of Dogma the day it opened because I was on the East Coast and doing press and I did the Morrison Gallery photography thing for the Dogma Heart and uh then I went down to s Podcastle and we had a screening and two people were really drunk and we had to I didn't, but the police had to be called.

Oh, because you can't tell.

You can't like you know, obviously you can you can't lay hands on a per but you can't force people to go if you're like, okay, time to go, and they're just like sitting there drunken ship And the next thing you do is.

Please, let's not embarrass ourselves at the at the funeral for Beardless stickless me.

Yes.

So when I say get fucked up, maybe.

Like responsibly tipsy?

Please drinking at the beginning of the show.

Yes, in the end some people came in drunk for the dog screen.

Let's please keep it classy at the Beardless stickless funeral.

True.

This is the death of something, something beautiful, and you'll be there to see it.

Man.

Tickets at seaspont dot com.

So much more story to tell, only four episodes to do it.

The countdown is on, kids, Oh my god, beardless dickless uh death, Beardless stickless death awaits four episodes left to go, man, and that last one is going to be a doozy.

You could be there lived the end is nighe that's right man.

The iHeart is going to stop beating they start beating up.

I like that, not like physically, but just emotionally.

Yeah.

Oh it's okay.

Yeah, you'll see.

There's so much to talk about and we'll get there.

Kids.

Uh, there it is.

There's your beer the stickles mate.

If you've been like going, you know, I never watched the show.

I only listened to it.

Well, chance that kevinsmithclub dot com kids, you could sign up and you can see what we're talking about round.

You can watch our expressions as we talk about everything.

You can watch my dad yan when I talk.

I mean, I am tired.

I that you're boring, but I don't get to sleep as much as you do, especially and you go to sleep at like weird hours and then stay asleep until weird hours of the day.

I sleep about four hours a night.

That's concerning.

So it's not believe me you're great, but like that's I'm sitting in one place getting comfortable and yeah, my body's still with you.

It's okay, I'm not.

It wasn't okay.

He brought it up in front of everybody.

I mean to him, pea.

Everybody's just like I thought he was a good dad.

Apparently not.

I have to say the last thing about Can.

Yeah, okay, and then it's over, okay, and then this episode is done.

Yes, I'm here for it.

When you were at Can premiering talk about williamendem in whatever year that was, nineteen ninety nine.

I presume, yes, nineteen ninety nine.

Mom was there with you, Yes, pregnant with me.

Yes this time.

Yes, twenty five years later, you were back with the same movie.

But I was born and I was an adult.

I was twenty five, and I was there with my fiance, and it meant a lot to mother.

It did.

Oh, let's believe me.

That's the whole reason we went.

It meant a whole lot to mon though it was.

I was happy to go, believe me.

But it left to my own brothers, I would probably have not.

I've been like, Oh, that's great, give me the certificate, send it back.

That's all I cared about, was the thing your frame that says you were there.

And uh, Jennifer's like, no.

When I went for a dogma, she was in my belly as I walked up the stairs.

Now she could be out of my belly and walk up the stairs with us, And so I was like, all right.

She was very into that notion.

It was very special for her, for us, all.

Yeah, but very special.

She cried a lot, did She cried a lot in.

A good way and the way of like my father yawns in front of me.

That's what I'll be crying about later tonight.

Cried about in therapy this week.

Motherfuckers crying.

You just yawned right in front of me.

And one of the last episodes of for the Cock.

That's what I talked about about this week.

Anyway, Just one Sometimes fathers are just tired.

Yeah, just one note?

Can speaking.

Uh July fifth, see all of this energy live in our homeland included where both of us were born.

Not the movie theater, but in.

New Jersey, very very close in a very special screening of a very special performance of the Crucible.

That's right, man, you're going to see pieces of give me back.

My name is Stephen, who is our tech genius over there.

He's our vegan friend who always gives me ship about whenever I'm like, you used to be happy, now I'm vegan, He's like, man, I'm tired of that vegan joke.

Me too, Steven.

And even in like Birds of a Feather he is He's like, hey, man, I got this sandwich.

Hey I got this Like he explores, brings desserts down and stuff like that.

And he also stops at my favorite trying Papa ganage.

They do the MDLS.

Oh I know, I know them modles.

But any event, Stephen was like, uh, can you send me the DVD?

So I could start inputting it into the system.

Did you send it?

I'm gonna but he's so excited.

It was his idea.

He was like, dude, give me the crucible.

Oh God, yeah, I do.

I have it.

I had a copy like stuff that I shot on my phone years ago, but mom has the school shot.

It is production horribly embarrassing.

Can't be by.

You have never seen anyone more passionate.

You're going to see acting.

Acting comes down to a job of choices.

You're going to see some choices, some choices won't Oh, she cooked in the audience.

Ate the audience.

I think the audience was like, it's just like.

Jesus, interesting flavor.

Guess I can eat, spit it out the audience.

Hardy cooked and the audience moved it around on the plate, put some on the other people's plates.

You with the Opra girl, you wouldn't.

Even eat the bun.

No, you'll see it's there's some good ship.

But it's gonna be fun to put it up on the big screen, projected on one of the greatest, one of the best projectors in the state of New Jersey.

Oh God, high precision, and they're going to see every poor of acting.

Every vein popping out of my head because some passion this was on that state.

Yeah, you fucking you showed old Farley what he was missing.

Oh yeah, look at me, mister Farley, look at me now.

After that performance was directed at get me back my name?

I mean what, man, I.

Forget us about.

There?

It is, kids, there's one of five, well now four?

Yeah, beardless, stickless means left.

Ever, it's like watching the fucking last of a dodo.

Die, like the species.

Oh man, yeah, man, you.

Want to watch something something beautiful die.

I also played the Dodo bird in a school production of Alice in Wonderland.

Fun Fast.

You trying to get a job drop like?

I also did this role, and I also play this play.

I played not practice makes she makes it, and she made choices of the Dodo bird as well.

I think I have pictures that I don't have to photo do that for the best.

No, it's durable.

Yes, kids, beardless stickless me is ending and you could be there, and you'll be there as it dies.

You will.

Krypton's about to explode.

Kids, Put your babies and rockets, send them off to other planets where they'll be safe.

There beardless dickless me for this week your little ticklets for beardless diickless me.

I'm Kevin Smith.

Go have a beardless dickless day, because you only do it four more fucking times.

This has been a podcast production, some podcast podcast using our mouths on you since two thousand and seven.

Hey kids, did you like what you just heard?

Well, guess what.

We've got tons more man thousands of hours of podcasts waiting for you at that Kevinsmith club dot com.

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