In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy discusses the concept of relationship deflation, where connections gradually lose emotional engagement without any overt conflict or drama. Do you feel expanded or deflated after your relationship interactions? Betsy also touches on how to handle the end of relationships gracefully while staying true to one’s own path and growth. Last but not least – Betsy has collected your questions so stay tuned for an upcoming Q & A and continue to ask more on the socials.

Transcript

 Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hi everyone. Welcome to the Art of Living Big. If you’re new here, welcome. I haven’t posted in the last couple weeks. It’s been really, really busy here, and , I had to prioritize self-care, I think in all of this. You know right now if you live in the United States, you might be feeling what I’m feeling, which is just a lot of heaviness and I think confusion and grief and overwhelm, and , it feels like, how could this be real?

What’s happening? Ugh. It’s really heavy. And so if that’s where you are, that’s where I’ve been to. And so I decided certain things were just gonna. Go on hold. And I think that’s okay as we get our bearings. And I needed to put the things that were most important. You know, our clients put them first and have space and energy for them, and I think I’ve been really successful in doing that, but it made me not overhear on the podcast.

So I’m excited to be back today and to have some space to be able to talk with you. , Over on Instagram, I’ve been getting just so many messages about the videos that we’ve been doing over there, and I think that sometimes it can be really helpful to have words to understand. What we are feeling in our body.

, I don’t think I’m saying anything over there that people haven’t felt, but they just didn’t know how to dissect it or how to translate it maybe into language. And so , I’m pleased that I’m able to do that over there. And so today I wanted to talk about something and I think it’s something that happens inside relationships.

, Typically when they’re ending, and this doesn’t just have to mean a romantic relationship, I think it can mean a lot of relationships. , I’m noticing it right now in several of my relationships, and it’s not a bad thing. It just is a thing. And I think that if we are feeling it, likely the other person is feeling it, to some , extent too.

So it’s not like when you’re fighting, I’m thinking about the relationships I have that are ., I call it like closing the loop. It’s just, there’s no big disagreement or marker that says like, this is no longer working. It’s just sort of deflation. That’s how it feels to me. I was thinking the other day, I had an interaction with somebody and I was like, you know what?, I’m done showing up when the other person isn’t showing up. . It’s like they reach out ’cause they want connection, but , they’re not actually available to show up and do the work of being in relationship. You know, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship or anything.

I don’t think it matters. But I noticed this the other day and I was like, you know what? No hard feelings. I’m not mad., I just don’t feel anything. It feels like a deflated balloon. And in some aspects I think this can be a. , Relieving feeling. , It’s this feeling of like, why am I even here? , , why am I putting any energy into this at all?

What’s the point of the interaction? And so I wanna talk about that moment a little bit today because it is information, , and as we move forward and make decisions about our life and what’s right for us and what’s not right for us. Every piece of interaction or feeling or acknowledgement is information, and that helps us to have discernment so that we know how we want to move forward.

A couple years ago. I was at an Abraham Hicks event, a live event, if you are familiar with Abraham Hicks. If you’re not, you can go just search through my podcasts. And I did a couple episodes describing what this is, but I went and saw Abraham Hicks. I think this is where I heard this it, or it was right around that time that I heard this on one of the many recordings of Abraham Hicks that you can find on YouTube.

And what they said was, when you’re in a relationship. You are not, and of course Abraham Hicks said this much more eloquently than I’m going to. But it’s not just a relationship with the two of you. Like you think you’re in a room with the person you’re in a relationship with, and it’s you and them, but really it’s about you and your higher self, your inner knower.

, That’s who you have to have the relationship with. You have to be so clear on who you are and what you want and what you stand for and all of those things. And they do too. And when you do that, it becomes clear if there is a relationship here at all. Otherwise you just become disinterested.

And I remember that component of it is like, it’s not that you’re mad or sad or glad or whatever. There’s like a disinterested. The other night when I experienced this, I was like, this is what this is. It’s a deflation. It is. I’m so aligned with my inner knower that , being even in the room with the other, , it’s like you don’t want anything bad for them.

You just are done putting any energy there at all. And I think that many times when we are frustrated. With somebody and we’re in a relationship. And when I say relationship, I’m gonna keep saying this. It could be friendship. So it could be friendship, it could be, , romantic relationship, right?

But when there is frustration, right? When you’re like, oh my God, will you just listen to me? Or why don’t they see it the way I see it? All of that, when you’re frustrated, frustration, I think still has hope, like frustration carries an element. Of activation, right? Where you’re explaining or hoping or trying to be understood.

, Frustration says , maybe if I say this differently or if I try one more time, or if I show up a little bit differently, like they’ll finally get it. They’ll finally get my perspective. And honestly, I may be wrong, but I know for myself, I don’t need somebody to agree with me. I really don’t, but I need them to step forward to try to understand my perspective.

And if I don’t get, that’s where the disconnect is. It’s not when they’re just trying to convince me that I’m wrong. There’s frustration in that for me because there is still hope that they will step forward , and meet me where I’m at. Deflation I think is totally different. , I think happens when our nervous system just says, you know what, there is nothing left here to work with.

, There’s nothing, there’s no charge. There’s no activation, there’s no fighting. There’s just a, like a disinterest. Going back to what Abraham Hicks says, you’ll just be like, I’m just not interested. , I just don’t care. And that is when your body says, oh, like this is totally empty. And I think that deflation happens a lot in relationships where there isn’t a lot of harm.

And I’m gonna explain what I mean. I think that deflation can’t happen when there’s a lot of activation, when there’s a lot of harm, when there’s a lot of feeling of , I need you to see me and you’re not seeing me. I don’t think deflation can happen in that environment. I don’t think it happens when there’s yelling or, , obvious emotional abuse or anything like that.

I think it is really subtle, and this is how come, I think sometimes we see this a lot in friendships because they’re less charged. So like when things just kind of fizzle out.

And so I think , the shift here is when one person is speaking from something that is, I’m gonna say like important or meaningful to them, like it has meaning and the other person responds with. Really surfacey or a subject change or logistics, , it’s nothing hostile. , It’s not that person like shaming or blaming or fighting.

None of it is loud, but nothing actually meets what was said and over time. This takes a lot of time, I think, but over time our nervous system starts to track this pattern. Like I speak, I, share something, right? Which that is relationship I share and I am met. So I share something and it’s just , goes nowhere, right?

Like it just gets overstepped or bypassed or whatever, and eventually your nervous system stops. Reaching, it stops reaching for connection with that person because what you’re getting, your nervous system registers is not okay or not really holding any kind of attention. I think that is when deflation happens and when that happens, I think it can be really confusing.

And again, I see this a lot with friendships because there’s not the same. I’m gonna say it this way. , There is an opportunity for that there to not have the same emotional charge. Sometimes there is, especially if you’ve had a friend for a long, long time. But most people have been taught that relationships end because of a conflict, like somebody did something wrong or there was a line that was crossed or something really dramatic happened.

But I think deflation happens. When your nervous system is just so tired of not being met, that it just disengages and loses interest, and then the person starts thinking like, why am I even here? It’s not anger or contempt or any of those things. I think it’s a level of clarity. It’s really a realization, right, that this person is seeking.

Connection without meeting me in a relationship. So the good news about all of , this is really a moment, I think, where boundaries become possible. And it doesn’t have to be some dramatic boundary. It doesn’t even have to be verbalized if you don’t want. It’s not a big confrontation. It is just a line in the sand that says, I’m done explaining.

I’m done stepping up to meet you in a fault. Pretense of relationship and bonding. I am gonna make a decision to stop responding. It’s not that I want anything bad for you, it is just a level of alignment. And , I talked about discernment, it being a level of discernment, but going back to what?

Abraham Hicks was saying, I think this really applies. It is this moment where you’re so aligned with who you are and what you want and what you stand for, and how you wanna be treated. That when someone can’t meet you there, you’re not mad. You just don’t care anymore. So this is the part that I want you to hear.

If you feel like you’re getting to that place with somebody, it doesn’t mean that you’re cruel. You decide to disengage if you leave, because you no longer want to have to disappear to some extent in order to stay connected to that person. That is your nervous system taking really good care of you. Is your nervous system noticing when there’s a misalignment, and that is your nervous system actually becoming regulated around.

Being without that presence.

And so, , in my Instagram videos, I always do a north star, like something to ask yourself. So here’s a North Star in this. Or , just some thoughts to mull over it is if you’re thinking about somebody that you’re like, am I at that place? And honestly, if you’re thinking, am I at that place?

You probably are. But when, here’s the question is, when was the last time. You felt deflated instead of frustrated. And I hear this all the time from women too, where they’re like, I’m in this marriage and , I just am at the place where I just don’t care. Like I don’t even wanna fight. I’ve just checked out.

Very similar. I think true deflation comes when your nervous system’s totally regulated by being alone, , without that in your system. And then. That comes injected back into your system and you go, oh, this feels really unaligned. I think you’re right on the cusp of being like, what? I’m categorizing as deflated when you’re still in relationship, like deep in relationship.

, Okay, here’s another question is after you interact with this person, do you feel expanded? , Do you feel seen and happy and engaged, or do you feel like, why does something feel off or empty? And here’s the tricky one. If you still feel hope that they’re going to meet you, you’re likely not in deflation yet.

If they do not meet you and you’re not surprised at all, and you just feel like, eh, I didn’t even really expect it there, there’s your signal in deflation. So there’s no right answer in this, and I think. Relationships. When we think about, , from the womb to the tomb of relationships, you can be in any place, in any type of relationship.

And when you get towards the end of that place where you feel like you’ve truly moved on, I think that’s when you feel the deflation. I think that’s when you’re like, you know what? I hope the best for you. I really do. And. My attention and energy is gonna go somewhere else. So I don’t think of deflation as failure.

, I should do a whole show on this ’cause people comment sometimes on my posts on Instagram and ask about your vows. Don’t you care about your vows? And I have so many thoughts about this because. If you decide to leave a marriage because you’re being ignored, for example, your vows were broken long ago, like nobody signed up, nobody took vows to stay even while being completely ignored and, you know, avoided for weeks like the vows were broken.

So I could do a whole show on that. But I think when we look about, think about this. It is sometimes the closure of relationships. , I will say all the time, this is how I feel. You can determine how you feel. The closure of relationships isn’t failure, it’s a completion. I think we come in contact with people for really short periods of time or long periods of time to help us get to the next level, to help us each grow in different ways and.

Part of that growth continues on as the relationship ends or disintegrates or deflates. I think it is a marker, but I also think you know that anytime you’re in a relationship, there’s more than one of you. And so sometimes having things come to a close for you is the beginning of someone else’s journey of reflection and really.

Moving through things, and if we can stop trying to be responsible for other people’s reactions and instead stay really true and honest to our path and what’s most aligned for us, then we can show up or choose to withdraw our attention and energy in the places where it’s really right and likely right for both parties.

And sometimes I think the most self-respecting thing you can do is to just quietly stop participating in something that no longer meets you where you are. You know, we are all growing and changing in different ways, and I know sometimes we think, well, our partner hasn’t grown at all. And it may not seem like you’re growing in the same way, but they’re likely evolving in some ways, evolving away from you, perhaps, , instead of evolving towards you, which is what we all want when we have healthy, good relationships.

So when you’re ready. The relationship will slowly deflate, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic partnership or anything in between. And when that happens, it is likely your nervous system acclimating to you. And when you no longer feel the pull to be heard or to be understood, it can actually be a huge relief.

And that is how you, I think you live a really big life. Thanks so much for being here this week. I will see you next week if you have suggestions for podcasts. I know a lot of times people will leave me messages over on Instagram asking me questions. , I have such a hard time, it’s really difficult to answer.

As you could imagine, , dozens of questions every day that are complex and nuanced, and so if you do have a podcast suggestion or a question that you want me to answer in a q and a, I am gonna try and do one of those too. We have. I think hundreds of questions right now that I have screenshotted so that we can anonymously answer those things, so hopefully we can find , a flow that works to be able to help everybody in the best way.

All right, have a great week. We’ll see you next time. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today.

You can find me over on Instagram at betsy pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless and your life. It’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring and keep living big.