If you’ve left a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship but still find yourself thinking about them, questioning your progress, or feeling pulled backward emotionally — this episode will bring powerful clarity.

You’re not actually missing the narcissist. In this episode, Christy explains why calm can feel uncomfortable after narcissistic abuse, how trauma bonding conditions the brain and body, and what’s really happening when memories or longing resurface.

This conversation will help you release shame, understand your healing process, and begin retraining your body to feel safe in peace again.

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode hit close to home, you may be in the stage where understanding isn’t the problem anymore — your nervous system just needs support integrating safety and clarity.

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00:00):

Hello Queens. Have you ever caught yourself thinking about them and then immediately getting mad at yourself afterwards? Why am I still thinking about this person I left? I know who they are, I know what they did. So why does part of me still feel pulled back today? I want to gently flip something upside down for you because you're not actually missing the narcissist, you're missing something else. And once you understand this, a lot of shame is going to go, we don't like shame in this room. No we don't. Welcome to your Thursday. Thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a breath Queen. This one's for you.

(00:53)
Alright, so welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie, as many of you know, if not welcome, thanks for showing up. And if you're here today, I already know something about you. You're not where you used to be, right? You've learned, you've woken up, maybe you left. Maybe you're emotionally detaching, maybe and trying to stay grounded, but there's still this confusing moment that happens sometimes, right? You're doing better and out of nowhere a memory hits or you wonder what they're doing. Or your body feels heavy, chest tight, maybe you feel a little nostalgia, right? And then the second wave after that is guilt or shame around that. What is wrong with me? Why do I still miss them? This doesn't make sense. So what we're going to talk about today is what's actually happening because this moment right here is one of the most misunderstood parts of healing.

(02:00)
Alright? So here's the truth. Most people never explain. You're not missing the narcissist. I repeat. You are not missing the narcissist. Isn't that? That's like a relief, but you're not so sure yet are you are missing what your nervous system learned to expect while you were surviving them. They're two very, very different things. So when you were in that relationship, your brain and your body, that's the somatic healing we talk about. Adapted. In order to keep you safe, you learn to scan their moods. Remember that Not so fun. You learn to anticipate their reactions. You learned how to fix any fixers out there? Yeah, I see you, I see all of you. You learn to soften to manage them if you know and to do whatever you could to prevent the explosions before they happened. So your body was constantly on alert. So here's the part that surprises people.

(03:10)
That constant emotional intensity created chemistry. So high stress, that high, high, high chaos followed by relief. The conflict followed by moments of calm or reflection, maybe even got fake apologies or flowers or just calm. It could have just been calm where it wasn't chaos. And that's good enough for us, not really, or fear followed by reassurance. So that cycle releases powerful, neurochemicals, adrenaline, cortisol. You've probably heard all the things about cortisol, dopamine probably heard that. These are like buzzwords nowadays, right? But they're real. And that cycle releases them. It's like the storm before the calm. So even though it was painful, it became very familiar. I would almost call it comfortable because it was so familiar. And the nervous system loves familiarity more than it loves happiness. Do you know that? I'm going to repeat that one again. Your nervous system actually loves familiarity more than happiness.

(04:31)
Okay? Your nervous system chooses familiar before it chooses peace. We're going to break that cycle though. We're going to break it. We don't like that. We want peace. Who wants peace? Can I get an amen? Yes. Okay, good. So when you actually leave or when you detach emotionally, something strange happens. Life gets quieter and logically that's good. You're like, yeah, this is what's supposed to happen. But your body is going, wait, why is it so calm here? Are we actually safe? I don't feel safe because calm used to mean something bad was about to happen. Let that one sink in. Calm used to mean something bad was about to happen. Calm before the storm. Silence used to mean tension was building. You knew when it was silent. It's like when there's a toddler and it's way too quiet. And then you go in the room and it's like there's marker all over the wall and glue on the seat, right?

(05:39)
Silence with a arc. When the intention was building, there's a cycle. There is the abuse cycle. And during that cycle, what happens before it's the calm, before the storm there's love bombing or there's convincing you everything's fine. Maybe there's some quiet and then maybe boom. So peace to you feels unfamiliar. And unfamiliar can feel very unsafe in our bodies. So your brain tries to solve that discomfort. The only way it knows how, it brings your attention back to the person connected to that old pattern. And that's not because you want them and miss them in the way you're thinking. That's why you're missing is confusing because it's not how you actually miss maybe someone you have in your life that is a healthy connection. Your body is trying to return to what it recognizes. That's all what it's been conditioned, right? What confusingly felt familiar slash safe, but not safe in the sense of the word as we really know it and want it to be.

(06:51)
So this is where so many women judge themselves, they think missing thoughts mean they made the wrong decision. They think healing should feel like just instant freedom. But what's actually happening is it's a detox. You are detoxing from survival mode. You're teaching a nervous system that learned chaos, how to live in peace. It takes time. This is not a little switch flip, so let's reframe it a little bit. You're not craving the relationship in the way that a normal relationship would be craved or if you break up and there were lots of great qualities and this and that, and you miss the person. This is different. You're grieving the familiarity. You're releasing a role that you had to play for a long time. This was part of your identity, right? The fixer, the peacemaker, the emotional manager. You were busy girl, you were really busy and oh, I do want to say, and boy and man, I have found out I have more men followers than I thought I did.

(08:09)
So shout out to all of you too. And it sucks just as much for you guys and you can be my kings, okay? But when that role disappears, king or queen, there is space. A space can feel really uncomfortable before it feels freeing. Okay? And that doesn't mean you're going backward. I just had this conversation with one of my clients actually, it doesn't mean you're going backward, it means your healing is actually working. Okay? So that's the good news. That is the good news. That discomfort just means you're recalibrating. So here's something you can do the next time, a memory or longing hits. Instead of asking why do I miss them? Pause and ask, what does my body need right now? And then orient yourself. Do you guys know Orient yet? If you've been a long time follower, you probably do. If not, you are about to learn a little tool that elementary kids can learn. My daughter does it herself. It's a great, great way to calm your nervous system and it's easy and it's fast and it's fabulous. Okay, look around the room slowly. Name three things you can see. I love to do examples. So what's in my home? The gnome in the corner, of course I have a gnome, the basket with my dog's leash in it and my smart water to make me smart.

(09:46)
So you name three things. Feel your feet on the ground. If they're not on the ground, put 'em on the ground. Or I kindly ask you to place your feet on the ground if it's comfortable for you. Lexie, I'm being gentle. Alright? And then let your shoulders drop just a little. So we're looking around, we're grounding ourselves with our feet, letting our shoulders drop and just taking a nice inhale through the nose and out the mouth. My favorite halo breath, it's called, you're teaching your nervous system a new message. I am safe without chaos. And every time you do this, you weaken that old attachment. Not through force, but real safety, not the fake safety that it has with that narc. Okay, that was fake news, safety. So if this episode hit you today, I want you to know something very important. This stage, this confusing middle ground is where the real healing happens.

(10:55)
Not when you realize the truth, not when you first leave, which we would love it to be that way, believe me. But when your body starts learning, that peace is allowed. Now it's huge and it's also a stage we're where support can make a very, very big difference because understanding is powerful, but regulation is what creates that lasting change. So I actually am offering new one-off sessions. I'm only doing a couple this month. I'm going to do a couple every month just for those of you who need quick support are not looking for ongoing and really want to just get the next step and a somatic tool to go a little to go package. Let's talk about it that way. A little to go package something that we will have an hour long zoom call one-on-one with yours truly. And I will hear you out for a few minutes.

(12:00)
See what we're working with. We'll do a little somatic exercise depending on what it is, and a little coaching with a next step and knowing what you need to do next. So if ongoing support is not what you're looking for or can afford right now, this might be a good solution for you to just feel a little better, get a little settled. This my clarity and calm sessions, my resets. So that link along with my ongoing support will all be in the show notes. And if you want to email me, ask me any questions, my email is in there as well. And until next time, remember, you're not broken, you're not weak, okay? You're not missing them. No ma'am. You're learning how to feel safe before being yourself again, basically, until it all comes together. And it takes a minute. So don't forget to follow wherever you are on the podcast, whatever podcast platform.

(13:10)
Follow me. Say you don't miss my episodes. I have two a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays and Thursdays are my thrive in fives, I call 'em. And they are just a little somatic fun. Five to 10 minutes, little bits that you can save for moments where you're feeling a little want, want not at peace, which we all have. They're useful really to anybody. And what else? Oh, you can join my Facebook group for Queens just like you, just you going through what you're going through. So join that group and that is also in the show notes, the link to sign up for that. It's private. So don't worry about that. Don't worry about all the narcs coming in and spying on us, okay? They can't get in. It's a narc free zone. Alright, you guys have a great rest of your week until Thursday, because come back Thursday for some more goodies and yeah, love you. Bye.

Contact: fiercemamac@gmail.com