Christmas is supposed to feel joyful — but for many women healing from narcissistic abuse, it feels heavy, tense, and emotionally exhausting.

If you notice anxiety creeping in, your body staying on high alert, or old wounds resurfacing at Christmas — even if you’re no longer in the relationship — this episode will help you understand why.

In this Christmas special, we’re breaking down why narcissists often get worse during the holidays, how Christmas activates trauma stored in the nervous system, and what you can do to protect your peace without forcing yourself to feel festive.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why narcissists are especially triggered by Christmas and family-centered events

• How holiday expectations create the perfect environment for manipulation and control

• Why your nervous system reacts before your mind can explain it

• Common ways narcissists sabotage Christmas, both subtly and overtly

• How to create a more regulated, emotionally safe holiday experience

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free)
Learn how to set and hold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or over-explaining.
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

If you’re ready for deeper, supported healing — especially during emotionally charged seasons like the holidays — I offer longer-term 1:1 containers designed to help you stabilize, rebuild, and reclaim your peace over time.

3-Month Container
Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Container
Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Container
Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your life at a grounded, sustainable pace.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

• Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts:
  https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

• Empowered Boundaries Course:
  https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Free Facebook Community:
  https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Questions or support: https://christyjade.podbean.com/e/ep-5-the-grey-rock-method-how-to-disconnect-from-narcissistic-abusers/

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello, queens. If you have ever found yourself thinking, why does Christmas feel so heavy? Or why am I on edge when everyone else seems excited? This episode is for you because when you've dealt with a narcissist, Christmas doesn't really feel festive. It feels like pressure, performance, and emotional landmines. So today we're going to talk about why narcissists get worse at Christmas and why your body reacts before your mind even knows what's happening. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back? Well, you're in the right place, Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here. To feel free, I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:07):

Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun, because I'm sparkly in fun, so of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep that chamomile tea, silence all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. Okay. So welcome back. I'm Christie Jade. If you are new here, welcome, welcome. This is Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. All the fun things about understanding the narcissist, recovering from the narcissist, starting your new life maybe without the narcissist or how to navigate if you do have to keep in touch with the narcissist, right? But the holidays can be so tricky in all of those ways. So if you're listening to this wall wrapping presents, sitting in your car, hiding in the bathroom, maybe with the chocolate, or trying to hold it together while everyone else is talking about how magical the season is, I want you to know something.

(02:11):

Nothing is wrong with you. If Christmas brings up dread instead of joy, if your chest feels tight, if you feel on edge, emotional or maybe numb and disconnected, this episode is going to help you. All right? So why do narcissists get worse at Christmas? You may have guessed this or felt like they do, but why would they? Let's start there. Christmas is emotionally loaded. A lot of expectations, as we all know, traditions, family pressure, kids making memories, performance, right? There's a lot of performing going on and narcissists thrive in environments like this. Christmas gives them built-in attention, right? Built in guilt, built in control, the big runner of their life, and built in audience. I say this because it's especially true here. The holidays are like a narcissist Super Bowl. Okay? They don't experience Christmas as connection like we do. They experience it as an opportunity.

(03:19):

So this could be an opportunity to control the mood, to play the victim, to be the hero. That's often a big one around holidays. Or quietly sabotage joy without looking like the bad guy. And if kids are involved, which I know a lot of you are co-parenting, Christmas becomes leverage, schedules, gifts, plans, traditions. It's all emotionally charged and it's easy to manipulate. And who's really good at manipulating? Yes, yes. Leonard. So if you ever thought, why is he or she so much worse at Christmas, you're not imagining it. There is a pattern. Okay? This goes also for other holidays and birthdays, especially yours. So you can use some of this stuff also in relation to those. So what are some common ways they ruin Christmas? We're going to name this clearly because clarity is coming for our pretty little nervous systems. So narcissists often ruin Christmas by creating last minute chaos.

(04:31):

You have a plan, you've maybe created that plan with them. They're going to maybe burn it to the ground just because, nothing like a little last Christmas chaos, last minute chaos. Picking fights right before events, right? Right before, maybe it's the kid trade-off. Maybe if you do kind of co-parent and have meals together, I don't know if that's possible with some, even though you're not comfortable, you may do it anyway because you have done some people pleasing in your life. Maybe you do it for the kids. They will pick fights right before or even during these events.

(05:11):

They can ruin it by withholding affection, cooperation or money like they do in a relationship. So if you are still in a relationship with them, or even if you are not, they can use especially the money thing during times where there's gift giving. They can play the victim when boundaries are set, like your boundaries or some awful weapon when it's just protecting you and your peace, maybe your child's peace, and making everything about their feelings or quietly draining the joy with tension, size, passive comments. It depends on what type of narcissist they are. It's not always loud. It can be somewhat subtle sometimes you have to look for it. And that subtlety is what can make you doubt yourself though, right? Those specific type of narcissists. You're like, "Am I being too sensitive? Maybe I'm reading into this. Why can't I just enjoy this? It's Christmas." But your nervous system knows something your mind keeps trying to override.

(06:21):

Your nervous system knows something. Your mind is trying to just kind of dismiss. Okay? So why Christmas triggers you even if you're out?

(06:37):

This is the part I really want you to hear. Christmas doesn't just trigger memories, which you can. It triggers stored survival responses. Your body remembers the walking on eggshells. It remembers managing moods, someone's specific moods. It remembers performing happiness. It remembers trying to keep the peace. It remembers bracing for something to go wrong. I want you to feel that one, okay? You feel that in your nervous system? I know you do. The body remembers that feeling. Bracing for something to go wrong, just waiting on pins and needles for something to go wrong because it always does. Even if the narcissist isn't physically present in your daily life anymore, your nervous system learned Christmas equals vigilance. And here's the grief aspect. There's grief for the family hoped for, the Christmas you wanted, hoped for, the version of joy that never felt safe.

(07:55):

It's like you became comfortable with a joy that was not safe, if that makes sense. And society makes this harder because everyone says, "But it's Christmas," which can make you in turn feel broken or like something's wrong with you or not feeling the same elated joy that others are, but you're not broken. You're responding normally to abnormal experiences. I'll say that again. You're responding normally to abnormal experiences that have taken place. So a quick somatic reset. Let's give your nervous system a moment of safety here. Okay? Wherever you are, just pause. And if you're driving, save this for later. But if you're not and you're in a place you can do this, look around and find one thing your eyes naturally want to rest on. Mine obviously, again, want to rest on a flamingo, because why not? They're so fun and pink and gorgeous and just make me happy.

(09:10):

All right? But don't analyze it. Just notice it.

(09:15):

This gaze. Now name three things you can see. Two things you can physically feel. I've got a little fuzzy blanket next to me, like pay attention to the texture. And then one thing that feels even slightly comforting right now. Okay. Once you've done that, you can slow, slowly breathe in through your nose, long exhale through your mouth. Nothing to fix. Nothing to force. Reminding your body, I am safe in this moment. Okay? And how do you protect your piece this Christmas? It's not about creating the perfect Christmas. Okay? I don't know if any of us really have that. It's about creating a regulated one. So a few things that can actually help. First, lowering your expectations strategically. So not as defeat, but as a protection, right? Not saying, "Oh, all that. " Not making it so heavy, but more like, "You know what? I'm going to try to enjoy myself as much as I can, might not be perfect, and I'm going to place my boundaries up.

(11:04):

I'm going to lower my expectations." Giving permission to have lower expectations, right? Giving permission. It's okay. I'm in a situation where I might not have that elated joy right now. Maybe that'll change in the future, but right now I'm not there. So I'm going to lower my expectations so I actually can have a little more joy. It sounds weird, but that is how it works.

(11:33):

As a protection for yourself. Next, shorten visits and conversations. Gray rock method the heck out of the narcissist if you can. If you don't know what that is, I'll try to remember to put the link in my description box for the Gray Rock Method episode. Create new neutral traditions instead of forcing old ones. Create something new, right? Decide one boundary you will not negotiate with in relation to this and give yourself permission to opt out of something that costs too much energetically for you. Or maybe it's monetary too. All of these things can wreak havoc on our nervous systems. Spending too much money, too much energy on top of dealing with the trauma you may be dealing with. So we don't need to add the layers on. We don't need to perform. We don't need to have the best thing or the most presence for our kids or the matching pajamas.

(12:55):

I mean, if I have them, great. I mean, they're cute, but this is not a need here.

(13:02):

You just need to protect yourself enough to get through it, to get through it. And I do believe the more you do these things and the expectations when you lower and give yourself permission, like, "I'm going to enjoy it in my way," you actually will end up feeling a little more joyful than you may have thought. So your next step, if you're navigating guilt, family pressure, or boundary conversations, I have a free boundaries pocket guide. If you don't have it, it's always in the description box. It's free and it walks you through how to set and hold boundaries without the guilt.

(13:47):

There's also a boundaries course. If you are like, "I really need help with boundaries," majorly I will put that in there. You can click the link, read about it. And of course, if you want transformational, we are not messing around. I cannot do this anymore energy and you're ready to do the work. And I was just talking to a client about this today. I say the work in quotes because yes, there's certain actions you have to take, but a lot of the work when you work with me is the somatic healing, the body healing where it's like you get a break from really overthinking. And I know a lot of you overthink, including myself, people who've gone through narcissistic abuse, we get all sorts of fun in our head. So we go on journeys together. Think of it as it's healing journeys, visualizations, meditations, all different methods, but you are receiving.

(14:57):

Instead of doing, you are receiving and you are healing through your body. And it's just refreshing to have that release rather than working and thinking and writing in the journal and all those things have their place. But somatic healing is just something so amazing that you don't really get exactly until you do it. So I try to explain it the best I can and you can click and look at the description further to see if it's a match for what you need right now. I have three month, six month and one year long programs.

(15:39):

You're going to get transformation no matter what. I actually just now changed. I used to do monthly. I no longer do monthlies because it's just the insane transformation you get at three months, six months to ... It's for something like narcissistic abuse, it's not an overnight fix. Can I do one session and help you? Yeah. Can I do a month? And you'd be like, wow, that was really helpful. Yeah. But I have found the most beneficial for my clients that sweet spot of three months or more is just overwhelmingly transformational. That's the only word I can really use. It's epic, mind-blowing stuff that happens in these sessions, the somatic. And of course, we do coaching and some talk therapy type stuff as well. Depending on where you are in your journey, we may do half a session kind of coaching, the next half hour doing somatic.

(16:54):

It depends on where you are in your journey and also what that week looks like for you. For example, I had a client this week that there was a lot going on with her ex. And so there was a lot of dialogue between them. So it was kind of thinking about, okay, he did this, talking at logistical and what should I do here? So there was a lot of talking and a lot of what do we do moving forward? Sometimes there's legal stuff involved that I will ... I'm not a lawyer. I will never claim to be a lawyer, but I can help in creating questions for your lawyer and just advising, but never without an attorney stamp. But there's all sorts of stuff we can talk about and sometimes it's talkier. But then I have another client this week that she just was so overwhelmed this week and just she's healing.

(17:57):

She's much more empowered, but with that empowerment comes the narcissist can sometimes come up a little harder and you feel more empowered, but it's like, woo, okay, I did that. I'm so excited. I was able to do that and set that boundary and stick with that boundary, but I'd love a release. So we did an epic hour long somatic journey where she was just like, "Oh my gosh, this is better than any therapy I've ever had. This is mind blowing." So every session is going to look different for every person. And even for each person, every session won't be exactly the same. Might be 10 minutes of talk, 40 of somatic, might be 40 of somatic, 10 of talk. So I just want to give you a better idea and you can always email me and ask me if you want to jump on a quick call to get more clarity on what the work we do looks like.

(19:03):

And if you don't know, with the three month and above, which is all my programs that I'm doing right now, they have the bonus of Voxer, which is a walkie-talkie app. You can either leave a voice message. Most my clients just text on it, but in between sessions, you are allowed to text me. And I just got, someone texted just two really big wins they had after our session related to that. So that was cool. And then people will ask questions or, "Hey, I just need a little guidance. What do you think I should do? " Or, "Hey, I just need a little pep talk." Whatever you need between sessions, you get to have that space there. So that's the bonuses. And now that there's no monthly, I didn't have that with monthly. I have that with, it's called the Voxer is the app. I forget if I said that, but I have that with the three month and above.

(20:04):

So whatever program you choose, you're going to get that as a bonus. Like, what? It's the hotness. It's the hot queen level shit. All right. So sorry I blabbed on about that, but I feel like it's hard to convey in just a couple seconds what sessions are like. Maybe I should do an episode just describing what sessions are like. So if someone's interested, they could just listen to that. All right. So if Christmas does feel heavy, it doesn't mean you are failing at healing or you're damaged or broken. It means your body is telling the truth about what it's been through. Remember, our body stores everything and our mind is up here going over here and our body's still storing stuff. And so we're still going to feel it. So be gentle with yourself, okay? Protect your peace. That's like my motto. Protect your peace with your golden peace bubble.

(21:05):

Put it on. Everybody strap it on for the holidays. And remember, you don't owe anyone a performance. You don't have to get sucked into all the things all the people are doing out there. You be you, you listen to your body and what you can and can't do, what capacity you have. Can we really normalize that? We all have different capacities and that's okay.

(21:36):

And some people you see out there that are doing all the things and you're like, "Man, they're Superwoman." You know they're far past their capacity and they're having a damn mental breakdown inside. So everything isn't what it seems either. Okay? I just want to make that really clear. Capacity, it's a thing. We all have different capacities. That's okay. Let's normalize that. It's okay if you don't have the capacity to make ... I don't know. I don't make anything. I don't have the capacity to bake all these. My daughter does. She's the baker in this house. Gosh, all these people baking 50 million cookies and doing all the things, that's their thing. It brings them joy. Good. But the pressure to do all the things around the holidays on top of dealing with what your triggers or if you have to co-parent with a narc, I mean, there's a lot.

(22:35):

Give yourself a break. This is your holiday season too. Do joy your way at your capacity. All right? All right. So Thursday. Oh my gosh. I don't think I'm going to do ... Am I going to do a Thursday show? Is that Christmas Day? It is. Christmas Eve. Am I going to ... Gosh, will you even listen? Do you even want one? I feel like I'm ... I know I should listen to myself right now. I should be like, do I have the capacity? I guess if I have the capacity to do a Christmas Eve show, I will. I will see if I have ... I am taking off. Technically, I'm not working starting tomorrow through the rest of the week. I have no clients. Today we're my last few clients for this week. I only had a few today. And then I'm going to start.

(23:30):

I'm going to have more next week again, but I took off Tuesday through Friday. So if I have extra capacity and I want to jump on and do a little mini Thrivent five, I will, but I'm not putting the pressure on myself. That's going to be my Christmas present to myself because I love my work. So it doesn't always feel like work and I love doing it and I want you guys to just be happy and thrive in all this. So I feel like this compulsion at the same time to do the things, even if it's a little past my capacity. But I'm going to honor my capacity since I'm preaching that today. All right? So everyone, this holiday week, I solemnly swear I will not push past my capacity at the end. All right. So I will either see you Thursday or Tuesday and you have a Merry, Merry Christmas or Hanukkah if you had just celebrated Hanukkah.

(24:37):

Kwanzaa, all the holidays. Whatever you celebrate, I hope you can find your type of joy at your capacity this holiday season, and I will see you in the next episode. Move to.