If the new year feels confusing, quiet, or emotionally heavy after narcissistic abuse, this episode explains why — and what it actually means.

After narcissistic abuse, healing isn’t about becoming a “new you.” It’s about shedding the survival identity you were forced into and reclaiming a self-led identity rooted in safety, peace, and self-trust.

I offer longer-term 1:1 coaching containers designed to help you stabilize your nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and reclaim your peace in a grounded, sustainable way — especially during emotionally charged seasons.

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Questions or support: 00:00):

Oh, we are coming up on the New York Queens. It is almost 2026. And if the new year feels strange to you, a little out of the ordinary, maybe you're not rushing into your goals or your vision boards. I love a good vision board, by the way. If you feel quieter like you want to be not so peopley, it's not because you're stuck. It's because the version of you that survived narcissistic abuse is no longer who you are becoming. Today, we're going to talk about identity after narcissistic abuse and who you are when you're no longer being controlled, manipulated, or emotionally hijacked by somebody else.

(00:49)
Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. Let's start here. This part really, really matters. The identity you had to become to survive. Okay? When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you don't have any kind where you are being controlled. You don't just lose time and energy. You lose access to yourself. I call it the solid brick. We're born this beautiful golden brick that has all these amazing things. That's us. That's our authentic self. And as we grow, and this could be in childhood, if it's also society and other people's shoulds and whatever, we've got all this dirt and stuff just covering that shiny, beautiful gold brick. If you are in a toxic or narcissistic relationship, it's basically a bunch of bullshit all over you, right?

(02:00)
Until you come onto the other side, grab hands with Christie Jade and we pull you out, wipe you off, shine you up, get your crown back. But you are losing access to that self, that golden version of you. So you may have had glimpses of it. You could have never really known it fully because it was lost also in childhood. You could have had parents and then toxic relationships after you were out of your house, what other situation is. But you become the version of you who stays alert, the version who anticipates others' moods. You know the eggshell walking on them. Yeah. The version who explains, well, over explains, softens, edits what you say adjusts or the version who survives by being easy. The people pleasing can come in there. And here's the truth no one really says out loud, but yours truly will because you know I'm a truth speaker.

(03:05)
Women don't leave a narcissist and step into freedom. They leave and they bring the survival identity with them. Okay?

(03:20)
That freedom is not something you just walk into immediately. So if you're thinking, why don't I know what I want? Not necessarily just relationship wise and different aspects of life. Why do I still feel on edge? Why doesn't the new year feel exciting? It's because your nervous system has not caught up to the fact that you are safe now. So why does the new year feel weird after narcissistic abuse? The new year brings space. It's a new space and the space can feel terrifying when chaos was familiar. I just had this talk with one of my clients today. You are so familiar with chaos. It's not saying you want it. It's not saying, "Oh, I desire chaos or I thrive off drama or whatever." It's just, especially if you've been going through something like this for years, it can really be terrifying when you now have space, openness, which is the opposite of chaos.

(04:36)
You can be scared to even shut your thoughts off because it's too damn quiet in your head. We don't know what to do with that, right?

(04:48)
I'm saying we, because I've been there. You know I have been there and I'm on the other side and it's so nice to be able to shut my brain off. I'm not saying I never have little moments, but from what it was to now is insane in a good way. So you're not being pulled anymore. You're not reacting the way you used to. You're not performing. I'm not saying you never do. There's little bits of this we may still have trickles of, but in general, on this like twenty four seven under the thumb of a narcissist, you are always analyzing, waiting, worrying, eggshelling and performing, putting on a facade and being controlled and told what to do, not to do, worried of making the wrong moves, all of that. So instead of excitement, you feel maybe flat, maybe confused, unmotivated, or maybe oddly emotional, different emotions.

(05:50)
It doesn't have to just be one specific emotion of anger or sadness. It could be sadness. It could be emotional exhaustion. Again, one of my clients today was talking about that. That's a common thing. After you've gone through such a big transition outside the narcissistic abuse recovery, you're now here, you're already in this other space and now it's a new year. It's a lot. It's a lot to process to take in, even though it seems like it should be exciting and freeing and just a huge amount of relief. Two things can be true at once. There can be relief and there can be pretty much terror, discomfort at the very least. So all of that is not failure on your part. It's what we call identity grief. So you are grieving the woman who held everything together. Sometimes we can take pride in that. The woman who was strong because she had to be.

(06:59)
Can we all clap for that one? I know you're familiar with that. And that's why this could be its own whole episode about how we can feel so strong and then so weak at the same time and coming out of something being like, "I thought I was so strong and like, damn, how was I so weak? I stayed in that. " It's very mind blowing, right? But you're grieving that. You're grieving the version of you who knew her role, even if it was killing her, you knew your role. It was specific. So let me say this clearly. If the new year feels quiet, it doesn't mean you're lost. It means you're just no longer being controlled. And this is obviously a great thing, but it doesn't mean it's going to feel a hundred percent great right away. You're going to have mixed emotions. So this new identity is not new you, itself led you.

(08:11)
So this is where people can get it wrong. You don't need this major glow up. You don't need a personality overhaul. You don't need a brand new shiny label, though I love shiny things. You need to stop living reactively.

(08:31)
The narcissist trained you what? Respond, defend, explain, actually overexplain once again, and earn your peace. Your new identity is self-led. It's not narc reactive anymore. And that's great. That's the good news is it's great, but you've got to get used to this. So that looks like you deciding instead of explaining. So this is putting almost a pressure on you now. You have to decide and make all your own decisions, which can sound amazing and freeing, but it's also maybe uncomfortable or maybe just paralyzing because you don't know exactly what to say, what to do, what you want. What do you want? Maybe you don't even know that after all you've been through. It looks like choosing instead of justifying.

(09:38)
God, I don't miss having to justify all the time. It means listening to your body instead of overriding it. How many of you have all of these feelings inside and you have to ignore them and you have to white knuckle through? You have to get through the moments. You have to, you have to, you have to. Your body is screaming, "I had to. " Right? And we're letting go of that. It's a lot to let go of. And it's also letting calm be normal, not suspicious. This is big. Okay? I'm going to say it again. Letting calm be normal, not suspicious because guess what? In healthy relationships, calm, peace, it's normal. Feels normal. It feels good. Feels like love. Calm in a toxic relationship is like, oh shit, something's wrong or something's coming. There's no calm. There's no true calm. It's just the calm before the storm in a toxic narcissistic relationship.

(10:56)
Okay. And this one, maybe write this one on down.

(11:04)
Your new identity doesn't need to be proven. It needs to be protected. We need to protect her. She's in there already. We're finding her. We're not really creating. I love to say creating because it's empowering to me to say that way, but we're really kind of re-igniting her. She's in there. Might not recognize her. She might be buried under some boo shit, but she's there. But it doesn't need to be proven to anyone. We have this compulsion to prove. We're going to get rid of that compulsion. I'm working on that with several clients right now. The compulsion to prove ourselves, the compulsion to be liked, be good enough, the compulsion to seek approval. Working on all those things with my clients in the somatic sense, healing from the body. And it's amazing work, and we need to protect it. So it's kind of like some rewiring and some protection because you're a damn queen and you need to protect it.

(12:20)
You are gold. What do we do with gold? We protect it. All right? So here's three identity anchors for the new year for you. Okay? So forget the whole resolution thing. Forget just becoming better. We're going to choose one identity anchor for you instead. Number one, I don't abandon myself anymore. Not for peace, not for approval, not to keep things smooth.

(12:56)
I no longer abandon myself anymore. That can be one an anchor. Another one, I decide before I explain. So you don't owe context to people who misuse access to you. You don't know them that. You decide. You don't have to explain shit to nobody. I remember my husband, I was so conditioned my whole life to overexplain myself. And if you know, you know, it is a compulsion. It is hardwired in there, it feels like, but it's not hardwired. I got rid of it. It's beautiful. And my husband turned to me one day and he said, I was explaining it was an RSVP to a party. And I was like, write in a damn paragraph, this compulsive, just like, "Oh God, I got to write all the reasons that overexplaining why I couldn't come to a damn party because I can't come. We don't need to write an essay." And he said, "Why do you feel the need to explain yourself in that detail?" He felt bad for me.

(14:13)
He's like, "That's a lot. That's a lot on you. " And I was like, "I never thought about that. I never thought about it. " And I was like, hmm, why do I? Because I've been conditioned to, because of my life and my past. So I stopped doing that. I actually, I love this book. It's called The Best Yes. I will try to remember to link it in the show notes, but if not, it's by Lisa. I can never think of her last name, but it's L-Y-S-A, I believe. But the best yes, I haven't read it in a while, but when I read it, it was really great. It was when I noticed that I was overexplaining and overbooking and just like that people pleasery side of me of trying to be good enough for everybody all the time. And it was a good book.

(15:09)
It's the best yes. It's like putting you, your family, and God basically first, but it's a good read. Okay? Anchor number three, peace is my baseline, not something I earn. I think this might be the big mama jama that you might want to cling to. Others are good too. I mean, I write some good shit. What am I going to say? Just kidding. But number three, I know peace is one of, because look, I've done all the market research with you guys. I talked to you guys. I have you fill out things when you get my Facebook group, things you desire. So many people just want peace. I just want peace. That is one of the biggest words. Is this peaceful for me? Is this person ... Do I feel peaceful when I'm around them? Do I leave them feeling at peace? So when I'm making new friends, when I'm deciding on things to do, oh, this party, am I going to feel at peace going?

(16:07)
It doesn't mean it has to be calm and like we're all zenned out. I can go party it up and dance and still be at peace or feel peaceful, right? But I know that is a buzzword for my audience. So I think this will probably be one of your favorites to hold onto. Peace is my baseline, not something I earn. So the second part of that is let's stop trying to earn our place, to earn our good enough, to earn our success by doing, doing, doing, being somebody else, doing for other people just because we have to abandon ourself. We said not to do that, right? You don't hustle for calm anymore. We're not going to hustle for calm because how crazy does that sound? Yet so many of us do it.

(17:03)
You're hustling to get to what? Our goal really should be peace and calm and joy. For me, that's not hustled. That's not proving myself anxiously awaiting other people's approvals and all of that that we might have done, but we're not now because this is 2026, baby. All right? So you protect it. Again, you've got to protect your peace. I mean, how many times can I say it on this podcast? Peace bubbles up, baby. Put your golden peace bubble up around you. Just imagine it. When someone's coming into your space, just put that bubble up and say, no, you cannot pass go. You cannot collect $200 from my peace bubble. Okay? So pick one of those. I'm a big fan of number three and let it guide your choices this year. Right? You could just use peace as your word. Does this give me peace? And not everything, obviously.

(18:12)
Some things like, I mean, does brushing ... Actually, brushing my teeth does bring me peace because then I don't have expensive dental bills, right? But you know what I mean. Okay? So what not to do this January? Quick button port. Don't rush your healing. We are not in a race. We're here for the long haul and that's how you're going to get the results that actually stick. There's no magic pill, but there is magic somatic healing. If you talk to my clients, it is. It's some good stuff. All right? And if you want to sign up, I have three, six and ... Wait, I can't even remember now. Geez, three months, six month, and one year programs. So I will put all of those in the show notes so you can check them out and sign up for which one feels good to you. Obviously, with each package, if you are committing to a longer time, I give you a reward by giving you a little lower price overall because I love committers.

(19:26)
I love people who are like, "I'm here for it. I'm here for the transformation." I love it. Okay. So don't recreate the chaos because calm feels unfamiliar. This can be a tough one. Start to feel the need like, "Oh my God, it's too calm. It's too calm." That's good. Remind yourself. That's why where the somatic healing does really come in very, very handy. When you're in this in between, right? When you're like, your body is not caught up with your mind. It's like, "I need chaos. What's happening? It's too quiet in here." So you're either going to do the thoughts or you're going to do just the go, go, go, or the throw yourself into work or the intense workouts or whatever. Don't force motivation. Build your safety first. Okay? So healing after narcissistic abuse isn't about doing more. It's about stopping the patterns that require you to disappear.

(20:30)
Okay? Stopping the patterns that require you to disappear. I mean, the authentic you disappears. The real you is here. We want her. We want her back. So before I wrap, not wrap like Eminem rap, but wrap it up, wrap. I want you to do this with me. Put one hand on your heart. Focus on the support under you. Chair, couch, wherever you are, ground. I don't know where you are. You in a bush and quietly say. You can repeat after me. Okay. I am no longer who I had to be. I am choosing who I get to be.

(21:24)
Now let your body feel that. Not your mind. I'm choosing who I get to be and I'm releasing this person I had to be. Oh, let her go. Let your shoulders feel that and say like, "That's okay.That's what I'm supposed to feel like. I'm supposed to feel like that. " Okay? So if this episode resonated, here's what I want you to know. You don't rebuild identity alone, right?This is heavy stuff, it's hard stuff, but if you work with me, we can have fun doing it. And I got some tools and tricks up my sleeve if you didn't know. And you can reclaim your sense of self, regulate your nervous system, right? Because your body is screaming probably and stop living in reaction mode. And I have these one-on-one coaching sessions. We do coaching. I help you understand some things about narcissists. If you want to go into that a little bit, some do.

(22:34)
Some are kind of past that. Understand things about yourself, why you may have done certain things, why in this situation, any guilt you have. We're releasing all of this stuff, understanding and releasing, understand the narcissist. If you're co-parenting, dealing with that, I am going to coach you on dealing with the co-parent. Or if you do have a mother or a sibling, someone you absolutely feel like you have to have some sort of contact with or you're trying to get out of contact with them, we work on all that stuff. But then the other beautiful part that is missing from a lot of coaching is this somatic healing side that is healing from the body that is missing from so much in the world because our bodies remember, they save, they store everything. You get sick, you get cancer, you get ... And I'm not trying to be all woo-woo and weird, but we know this, right?

(23:28)
You know stress causes a lot of stuff in your body and you get to build self-trust and self-confidence again through releasing these old stories through your body, these stories that these conditions, right? You've been conditioned, you've been controlled. You get to release all of this. Okay? So if you're interested in that, like I said, I will put the links in my little description area in whatever podcast you are watching. Go click away, read about it, sign up for one that feels good to you. And if you want a self ... That's that one-on-one huge transformation. If you want a self-paced, lower ticket item, empowered boundaries course is amazing if you really suck at setting boundaries or sticking to boundaries. I'll put it plainly. So that's there. And I have a couple freebies, my Facebook group, women like you up in there. I'm going to be doing more lives this year and there and stuff, maybe some group calls.

(24:34)
So make sure to sign up for the Facebook community. It's private, all women, and there's questions to make sure that there's no bots or anybody creepy hanging out in there. Okay? And that's why you have to fill out the questions too, to get in. So everything's in the show notes. You were never broken, baby. You were solid gold. You're still solid gold. That brick is still in there, right? So we just got to sweep all that nasty crap off of you and help you shine again. You get to decide who you are without anyone controlling your life. And that might feel weird. It might feel uncomfortable, but if you keep healing, you keep doing the work, you will get to release that and be ... You will find that joy. I feel like a lot of people feel like, "Oh, I'll never be joyful or how I used to be.

(25:30)
" It's not true. So let's cut that shit out.

(25:36)
Beauty happens when you believe and when you receive. So we work on all those things in my coaching. So also Thursday, well, it'll be literally New Year's, right? And I will be doing a Thrive In Five quickie if you don't know if you don't follow me. Hello, welcome. We have our regular longer episodes on Tuesdays and our Thrives in Fives, which is a little somatic healing sesh in five minutes or less or sometimes a little longer because I'm chatty if you don't know, but no more than 10 for sure, I don't think, on Thursdays. Okay? So also make sure you're following my podcast so you get the notification that says, "Yo, bitches, I'm back." Of course you want that. So make sure you hit the follow. I am on YouTube now if you like to see people when they talk. I don't know why you'd want to see this, but some people say, "Do video." So I'm doing video on the YouTube.

(26:41)
So I will try to put that link. I always forget to put that link in there, but I am on YouTube. It's Christie Jade there too. You can find me even if you just Google it up. And yeah, that's it, I think. Happy new year and not happy new you, but happy finding that amazing golden brick inside of you, bringing that back out. I'm here for it. Are you here for it? You in? All right. Come sign up so we can do some amazing one-on-one work. All right. Smooches and deuces!