According to the NeuroAffective Relational Model, chronic shame isn't an emotion, it's actually a strategy. Stephan K. Niederwieser is the co-author of the new book Healing Shame and Guilt.

Shame tells us something is wrong with who we are, while guilt tells us something was wrong with what we did. In this brief episode, Luciana Baicea and Adrian Dinu talk with Stephan Niederwieser about why neither one behaves like an emotion: emotions come, tell us something and pass, while shame settles in and stays. He also explains what shame did FOR us: it helped us disconnect from needs, anger and grief that once felt too dangerous to have.

Stephan Niederwieser has been in private practice in Berlin since the late 1980s. He initially trained in Hakomi and Somatic Experiencing before moving to the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM), which he now teaches internationally. He is the co-author, alongside Laurence Heller, PhD, of Healing Shame and Guilt, recently published in Romanian by Editura Herald.

In this episode we briefly explored:

• Why "toxic shame" is the wrong term, and what "chronic" points to instead
• The five core developmental needs (connection, attunement, trust, autonomy, love and sexuality) and the survival styles that appear when they are not met
• Shame-based identification and its opposite - pride-based counter-identification
• Depression as anger that has been pushed down rather than felt
• Whether an AI companion can offer connection without rupture and repair
• The difference between being loved and being admired

Resources mentioned in the conversation:

• Book: Healing Shame and Guilt by Laurence Heller, PhD & Stephan K. Niederwieser (Romanian edition by Editura Herald)
• Book: Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller & Aline LaPierre
• The NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) method, founded by Laurence Heller
• NARM in Romania

Episode produced in partnership with Editura Herald.

"(00:00) Stephan Niederwieser on chronic shame & chronic guilt"

"(02:04) Stephan's journey: from Hakomi & Somatic Experiencing to NARM"

"(06:30) Shame vs. Guilt and why 'chronic' describes them better than 'toxic'"

"(11:05) Why shame and guilt are not emotions according to NARM's approach"

"(14:03) Disconnection from our needs - how it came from suppressing our emotions"

"(16:48) Burnout, exhaustion and the high of being productive as symptoms"

"(19:25) How Depression is connected to anger, according to NARM"

"(21:19) Where NARM starts and how it works: what do you want for yourself?"

"(25:32) AI companionship - facilitating connection or bypassing it?"

"(30:35) Developmental Trauma & the 5 development stages"

"(33:30) Our 5 developmental needs"

"(38:59) Pride-based counter-identification and shame-based identification"

"(41:29) Identification and counter-identification for each developmental stage"

"(43:58) Attunement, trust & autonomy: always helping, dominating, disappointing"

"(46:31) The need for love vs. the survival strategy of being admired"

"(49:43) One final idea for the audience & where to find NARM in Romania"