Why do we get so defensive in relationships—and can narcissistic or emotionally abusive patterns really change?

In this episode of Marriage Rehab, Dr. David Hawkins sits down with psychologist Dr. Tori Olds to explain Internal Family Systems (IFS), also called parts work, and how protective “parts” can drive defensiveness, domination, dismissiveness, shutdown, and painful conflict cycles.

They explore why the brain runs automatic predictions, why criticism can feel unbearable, how “protectors” form around old wounds, and why accountability without shame creates more lasting change than white-knuckling behavior.

In this episode:
• What IFS is: parts, protectors, wounded places, and the grounded “Self”
• The 3 D’s of conflict: defensiveness, domination, dismissiveness
• Why narcissistic patterns can be protective strategies—not excuses
• The key question: “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t react?”
• How couples escalate when parts trigger parts
• How compassion, curiosity, and boundaries can work together
• Why healing the root changes the pattern