What if the behavior you’re trying to change is actually telling you something?

In this episode of the INCHSTONES Podcast, Sarah Kernion talks with developmental psychologist and learning support specialist Dr. Amy See about nonverbal autism, special needs parenting, behavior, nervous system regulation, and learning to see the whole child before deciding what their behavior means. Parents of autistic children become accustomed to watching closely. Is my child listening? Why aren’t they responding? Why could they do this yesterday but not today? Is this refusal? Inattention? A sensory issue? A developmental delay? A behavior we need to correct?

But Dr. See encourages parents and educators to slow down before assigning meaning. Because the same child can look very different in different environments. A child who struggles in a bright, noisy classroom may function very differently at home. A child who appears unable to participate in one environment may demonstrate far more ability when they feel calm, safe, connected, and regulated. For children with nonverbal autism, non-speaking autism, or significant communication and motor challenges, that distinction becomes especially important. What a child can demonstrate in a particular moment isn’t necessarily the same as what that child understands.

Sarah shares what she has observed with Milly and Mack: even a response to something they understand can sometimes arrive much later than expected. A glance, movement, transition, or acknowledgment that takes longer to appear doesn’t necessarily mean the original language wasn’t received. Sometimes processing simply doesn’t happen on our timetable.

Dr. See introduces a simple framework she uses when looking beneath behavior: capacity, safety, and regulation.
What capacity does this child have in this moment? Do they feel safe and secure in this environment? Is their nervous system regulated, or is it overloaded? Rather than beginning with “Why is this child behaving this way?”, those questions allow parents, teachers, and clinicians to become curious about what the behavior may be communicating.
Sarah and Amy also explore the pressure many special needs parents feel to turn nearly every moment into an opportunity for progress. When your child is developmentally behind, letting them wander through the backyard, play independently, or engage in an activity without a therapeutic objective can almost feel irresponsible.
But play has value precisely because it isn’t always directed toward an outcome. Children need opportunities to rest, explore, consolidate what they’re learning, follow their interests, and experience connection without constantly being asked to perform. And sometimes one of the most powerful ways to connect with a nonverbal child isn’t asking them to enter our world at all. It’s entering theirs. Watch what brings them joy. Sit beside them. Pick up the object they’re fascinated by. Repeat the movement. Listen to the song. Join the play.

Because before we decide what a child needs to learn next, we may need to become much better at seeing the child who is already in front of us.

In This Episode
00:00 – Why INCHSTONES looks at the whole child
01:45 – Dr. Amy See's background in developmental psychology and learning support
02:45 – Why every child begins to make more sense when we understand what they need
03:25 – Observing children before trying to change them
03:55 – Nature and nervous system regulation
04:55 – Why environment can completely change a child's behavior
05:55 – Non-speaking autism, apraxia, and what children can demonstrate
06:45 – Why calm environments can reveal different abilities
08:05 – Developmental age versus chronological age
08:30 – Delayed responses don't necessarily mean a child didn't understand
10:15 – Celebrating responses that others might overlook
10:55 – What “all behavior is communication” actually means
11:20 – Capacity, safety, and regulation: Dr. See's CSR framework
12:45 – Why parents can catastrophize small developmental differences
14:30 – Frequency, severity, and looking for patterns before drawing conclusions
15:55 – Why caregiver regulation matters, too
16:20 – The pressure to optimize every moment of childhood
17:40 – Why independent play and downtime matter
18:45 – Connection as one of life's great luxuries
19:50 – Stop asking children, “Why can't you just focus?”
20:20 – Ask instead: “What lights you up?”
21:10 – Finding connection with nonverbal and non-speaking children
22:05 – Why refusal may actually be difficulty and inattention may be overwhelm
23:00 – Dr. See's inchstone: slow down enough to notice your child

Resources:

Subscribe to the INCHSTONES Podcast for caregiver stories, conversations about nonverbal autism, and honest perspectives on special needs parenting, profound autism, communication, behavior, sensory needs, caregiver wellbeing, education, and raising children with significant support needs.

You can find Dr. Amy See on her Substack and dig more into her incredible work, starting with this foundational article: Connection Before Correction — why safety has to come before a child can actually learn anything

Dr. Amy See is a developmental psychologist and Learning Support Specialist working within an international school community, and mother of two boys. She writes The (WHOLE) CHILD on Substack, exploring child development through what she calls a "rose-coloured lens" - assuming competence and good intent first, then asking what a child's environment, nervous system, or developmental stage might be asking of them. Her work sits at the intersection of clinician, educator, and parent, covering everything from connection-before-correction parenting to the science behind letter reversals.