A Marriage Transformation 5 Years in the Making: Dan's Story

There are transformations that happen fast—like a spark, a breakthrough, a moment where everything shifts.

And then there are transformations that happen patiently, steadily, layer by layer… over years.

Dan's story is that second kind.

Because five years ago, Dan wasn't walking around thinking his marriage was "bad." He actually wrote on his intake form that their marriage was probably a six or seven—a good marriage. A steady marriage. A marriage with history and shared life and inside jokes.

But there was one ache that wouldn't let him rest:

Intimacy had disappeared.

And the pain of that—especially when you love your spouse, you're faithful, you're trying, you're confused, and you still can't "fix it"—can start to completely take up your mind.

And Dan could feel it happening.

So he did what so many people do when they're desperate: he went looking for answers.

"This lady knows my pain…"

Dan had never been a podcast guy. But when the ache gets loud enough, you'll do things you've never done before.

He started listening to podcasts, searching for help, trying to understand. At one point, he even heard a podcaster say something like: Maybe you're not in the right marriage. Maybe you need someone new.

And something in him basically said: No. Not here. Not this.

Then he found the Delight Your Marriage podcast.

And at some point he realized: "This lady knows me. She knows my pain."

He listened to tons of episodes back-to-back. And for the first time, he didn't feel crazy. He didn't feel alone. He felt understood.

But understanding is only the beginning.

When pain starts shaping your identity

Dan shared how consuming the pain became. He couldn't focus. He couldn't think about much else. He was constantly running conversations in his mind—replaying, analyzing, spiraling.

And this is what matters if you relate:

When intimacy is strained, it doesn't just affect your bedroom.
It affects your heart.

Dan knew his wife loved him. They spent time together. Their life was connected. But intimacy was absent—and that absence created a deep wound.

The "last button" moment

Dan told the story of how he finally joined the Coaching program.

He had passed on signing up a couple times. And then the third time, he went through the whole checkout process… and just didn't click the last button.

And he prayed something like: If God wants me to click that button, I'm going to click that button.

Then came one of those days—the kind of day you can't focus, can't breathe right, can't stop the frustration boiling under the surface.

So he clicked.

He even looked it up later: October 16th, 2020.

Sometimes obedience doesn't look "spiritual." Sometimes it looks like a trembling hand over a mouse, clicking a button you're scared to click.

But God uses that.

"I wasn't ready for success yet."

Dan's growth wasn't immediate fireworks. It was slow. It was real. And honestly, it was holy.

He said something deeply mature: "I probably wasn't ready for a lot of success in the very beginning… I would have misused some of that success."

Do you hear the humility in that?

He realized that early on, even when he was doing "the right things," his heart motive was still off. He was still doing the work for what he could get.

And that's the turning point for so many people.

Because you can "apply principles" and still be self-centered.
You can "try harder" and still be serving your own appetite.
And God loves you too much to let that be the foundation.

Dan described the real shift like this: "I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for the Lord. And intimacy becomes a byproduct."

That is biblical alignment. That is maturity. That is worship.

The brotherhood you didn't know you needed

Dan thought he'd try the graduate group for a only couple months… because he "didn't do well with whining."

Five years later, he's still there.

Why?

Because what surprised him most wasn't the content—it was the brotherhood.

When men get into a room (yes, even a Zoom room), they size each other up. But in this space, men began becoming honest, vulnerable, accountable, and deeply connected.

Dan shared: "Once you get through some of the things we deal with… there's not a whole lot left to keep secret."

That's not shame. That's freedom.

And there is something healing that happens when you're fully seen—and still loved.

He described men calling him out when frustration rose. It was painful at the time… but helpful, because those men knew what he truly wanted: to grow his marriage and grow with God.

This is what iron sharpening iron looks like in real life.

The tools that change daily life

Dan mentioned a few practical pieces that became part of his transformation:

• Daily gratitudes
• Faith statements
• Learning "known, safe, wholeheartedly cherished"

These were just a few of the tools he learned through the Coaching program that radically changed his day-to-day, and in turn, his marriage.

For example, Dan admitted he was giving his wife what worked for him—respect, admiration, sexual intimacy—but he didn't understand what many wives are longing for at the deepest level:

To feel known.
To feel safe.
To feel wholeheartedly cherished.

He said, "I didn't know those things… and I'm not sure how I was supposed to know them."

And that's exactly why training matters—because most people were never taught how to love in a way that truly lands.

When your spouse comes on board in their own way

Another beautiful part of Dan's story is that his wife eventually did DYM Academy, an in-person training that we offer for churches and small groups, and he described a shift that he couldn't even fully explain at first:

"Our marriage is different. I feel different. Something's different."

Sometimes a spouse is hesitant because they've been hurt, wary, guarded, suspicious, exhausted… or because they simply don't want to hope again.

But God is patient.

And in Dan's story, God wasn't just transforming Dan—God was also orchestrating timing, humility, readiness, and trust.

If you're hurting… jump in.

Near the end, Dan said something that deserves to be repeated:

If you're listening and you're in pain…
If you're angry, confused, resentful, scared…
If you keep thinking, I'll just listen to podcasts and figure it out…

Dan's encouragement was simple:

Jump in.

Because you don't have to carry this alone.

There are things you don't know yet.
There are patterns you can't see yet.
There is healing you can't manufacture by willpower.

And there is a community of people—staff and volunteers—who truly can't wait to see your smile come back as your heart changes and your marriage begins to shift.

Dan even said it plainly: "The harder you work, the faster it'll happen. I'm a testament to that."

If a Clarity Call feels scary…

Dan admitted he was too scared to do one at first.

But he also shared something important:

Once you talk to someone safe, kind, and grounded, the fear starts to lose its grip.

If anxiety is the barrier, hear this:

You don't need perfect words.
You don't need a polished story.
You don't need to know what you "should" do next.

You just need to take the next step.

Final Thoughts

If you are reading or listening and have thought about making a Clarity Call, but were simply too afraid… you can do it. There are Clarity Advisors (Melanie, Charles, and Dana) who are ready to hear your story.

Your spouse is waiting for you to make that call.

Your children are waiting for you to make that call.

Your family is waiting for you to make that call.

And you are waiting on yourself to make that call.

You can do it.

Start the process.

And see what is on the other side.

 

Blessings,

The Delight Your Marriage Team
 

PS - If you're ready to take the next step in transforming your marriage, we would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.

PPS - Here is a quote from a recent DYM Academy graduate:
"Porn was stealing the attention and arousal that my wife deserved. Her beautiful body was being replaced with a screen. I knew I was addicted to porn when I began to prefer watching porn to having sex in real life. I began to even question why I ever got married...I knew I did not want this to continue this pattern for my life. So on week 6 of this course, I reached out to a few of the men in the course to be my accountability brothers. I made the commitment to stop looking at porn for good. I'm 1.5 months into this journey and I promise never to go back!...[Now,] we are fully enjoying each other the way God intended. Images of other women are no longer clouding my head, and I feel connected to her in a way that feels deeper and deeper each time we're together intimately. I love her so much, and I miss her already as I'm writing this testimony in the other room."