Get your mind out of the gutter — this week it's Aaron's rod, the staff that sprouted buds, blossoms, and ripe almonds overnight to settle once and for all who was in charge. But the text is oddly insistent that it sat in FRONT of the ark rather than inside it, which raises a fascinating possibility: was this flowering stick in the holy of holies an Asherah pole that the priestly writers needed to explain away — and did Moses forfeit the promised land not for striking a rock, but for striking it with this pole?

Then it's chapter and verse in 2 Maccabees 6, where a ninety-year-old scribe named Eliezer is offered a very easy out (bring your own meat, we'll all say it was pork) and chooses the rack instead. This, followed by a dying speech that is remarkably well-punctuated for a man having his bones broken.

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