The Psychology of Cheaters (According To A Divorce Lawyer) | James Sexton

August 26

1h 33m

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Episode Description

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You've been telling yourself the same story. That you need to work harder on your marriage. That you need to read more books, take more courses, find the perfect framework. Here's the truth: the only thing between you and the relationship you want is believing you need something you don't already have.

James Sexton is one of the world's most famous divorce attorneys who has represented clients in more than a thousand divorces. He's seen every way a marriage can fail and every pattern that predicts it.

In this episode, he breaks down the exact signs that a relationship is ending, why disconnection happens so slowly you don't even notice, and the simple daily habits that separate couples who last from couples who don't.

In this episode, you'll learn:

The sound of a dying marriage: why the tone of voice that says whatever or what reveals more than any argument ever could, and how contempt kills connection faster than cheating
Why babies don't cause divorce but disconnection does, and how the mental load of parenting makes couples forget that their love built the baby in the first place
The menu framework: how offering your partner options instead of expecting them to read your mind creates safety, and why asking do you need space or do you need to talk right now changes everything
Why men ask did you have sex with him and women ask do you love her, and what that reveals about how men and women experience betrayal completely differently
The eight mile strategy: how getting ahead of your own weaknesses in a relationship disarms defensiveness, and why showing your partner your flaws is the only way they can truly love you

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(00:00:00) Introduction: The Sound of a Marriage About to End (00:01:33) The What Huh Whatever: How Contempt Kills Connection (00:04:46) The Story Retelling Test: When Your Partner Becomes Boring (00:05:57) The Spiral of Apathy: How Disconnection Happens Slowly Then All at Once (00:07:16) The Text Message Strategy: 30 Seconds That Could Save Your Marriage (00:10:15) The Eight Billion People Problem: Why Your Partner Is Your Favorite Person (00:11:50) The Evidence Test: Cross-Examining Your Own Relationship (00:15:24) Social Media and the Performative Self: Hashtag Blessed While Negotiating Divorce (00:18:06) The Manual We Never Got: Why No One Teaches Us How to Love (00:22:38) Babies and Disconnection: The Crisis That Pulls Couples Apart (00:24:56) You Can't Pretend You Meant to Get Divorced: The Humility of Failure (00:27:29) Men and Women Get Each Other Wrong: The Defensiveness Trap (00:30:10) Creating Safe Space: Why Men Don't Tell You What You Don't Want to Hear (00:34:46) Love Is Not Permanently Gifted, It's Loaned: The Fragility of Connection (00:36:59) Cheating and Infidelity: The 70 Percent Reality (00:39:56) Did You Have Sex With Him: How Men and Women Experience Betrayal Differently (00:42:35) The Economy of Monogamy: What We Owe Each Other in a Committed Relationship (00:47:32) The Imaginary Perfect Partner: Comparing Real People to Fantasy (00:59:19) The Shaving Story: How You Ask the Question Dictates the Answer (01:03:46) The Eight Mile Strategy: Owning Your Weaknesses Before They're Used Against You (01:06:13) The Persuasion Principle: Great Advocacy Doesn't Look Like Advocacy (01:10:57) A Good Lawyer Knows the Law, A Great Lawyer Knows the Judge (01:14:27) The Menu Framework: Listening, Fixing, or Distraction (01:17:48) Does Marriage Still Work: The 70 Percent Failure Rate Question (01:19:45) Chapters in a Long Book: Reframing Divorce as Part of Your Story, Not Failure (01:26:09) The Vulnerability Invitation: Showing Your Weaknesses So You Can Feel Real Love

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